Coffee and Breathmints

Dear Lucy,

I've forgotten. I've forgotten what hunger feels like. There are pains, aren't there? Do they stab, like a knife thrust repeatedly into the stomach? Or do they ache, as though a rubber band were being tied too tightly against the organs? I can't remember. The stomach growls, doesn't it? Does it sound like a lion roaring at it's enemy? That's the noise my stomach used to make. It doesn't anymore.

What did I have for breakfast? Coffee and two breathmints. What did I have for lunch? Coffee and two breathmints. The meaning of the word "snack" is lost on me. But at four o' clock... oh,I could set my watch by it. At four o' clock the appetite gates open, unleasing an aggressive tornado on all food in sight. During this time, I lose conciousness, only to look back later and think: "Wasn't there a cupcake here? Didn't we have a box of cookies?Or did I eat them all?" And then it happens. Nausea. A waterfall of shame cascading into a toilet bowl. I don't mean for it to happen, it just does. And the process repeats forever more.

Sincerely, Lucy.

P.S. We're dying.

Wow, this was irrefutably good. At first I wasn’t sure what to expect but it pulled me in from “Dear Lucy,” all the way to, and I must commend on its powerful appeal, “P.S. We’re dying.” It was essecially that last line that got me due to the fact that it is so undeniably truthful.

The whole piece is great and I only had a single thing to bring attention to.

Or do they ache, as though a rubber band were being tied too tightly against the organs?

Here, “against” is a poor word seeing as how you don’t normally tie things against one another as much as you would tie a rubber band “around” something.


But more importantly, I have to ask why you would have written this letter. I mean, are the bulimic connotations resonant in you or was this something written in letter form out of sheer spontaneity? Either way, it has a powerful, truthful quality and you can feel the heart and thought in it.

Oh,I could set my watch by it.

space after the comma

Didn't we have a box of cookies?Or did I eat them all?"

another space

P.S. We're dying.

Who is 'we'? Are you referring to Lucy? Does she suffer from the same affliction? It's unclear.

*

Small nitpicks I know, but there isn't much here to begin with. I definitely think you can elaborate on this - you've put it in Non-Fiction, so I assume its a letter you've received or are writing? It's an impression of what you're going through, but for me, that's not enough.

Painful maybe, but for outsiders looking in, we have no reference, no way of getting a foothold into the mindset unless you give us every little detail.

Hope that helps,
Cheers

Hey, Luc. Just got around to reading this. It may be my first propr critique in months, even though it'll probably be very short. I didn't find too much to comment on.

The thing that stands out the most is its length. It is very short, like Jig pointed out. It sisn't necessarily a bad thing, but like he said, if you added more to it we'd be able to understand more. However, if this was all you had to write, that's fine. The length is up to you, and regardless of it, it's still powerful.

There's only one small nit-pick I have with the piece itself:

Do they stab, like a knife thrust repeatedly into the stomach?

Try to cut out as many adverbs as you can. "Repeatedly" doesn't add too much to the piece.

P.S. We're dying.

That was the perfect way to end it, I thought. After all of the questions in the paragraphs before it, this came across as blunt and made it stand out more. It was a good contrast to the rest.

Good job with this.

-Mat

Loose wrote:P.S. We're dying.

That was my favourite part. I could hear you whispering it to youself in my imagination. I thought this was a very clever and randomly odd piece of writing, and I like that you addressed it to yourself.

In particular, your simile for hunger and the way you describe nausea were striking and original in my opinion.

As this is in Non-Fiction, I must ask, are you Bullimic? Sorry to come out with it like that, but I couldn't think of another way to say it.

Very Good! A Gold Star, methinks.

*gold star*

Really well written, powerful and moving. I know that it's really short, but it was fantastic.

I've forgotten. I've forgotten what hunger feels like. There are pains, aren't there?

I loved the questions. I loved the way you described things, it really made me understand how the person was feeling.

It was really sad, but well done. There were a few little errors, like the spaces that are needed in a couple places but other than that, I don't see anything that needs to be fixed. (:

Hi,
I really liked your piece of work. I have one question though, why does it say 'Dear Lucy' then say 'Sincerely, Lucy'. This part confused me, however I am easily confused I would look at it again though, or clarify it for the readers.

I would like to know more. Who is she? Where is she that she only gets 'Coffee and Breathmints'? These are only my questions, probably no one else will even notice them

Edits in bold!

Dear Lucy,

I've forgotten; I've forgotten what hunger feels like. There are pains, aren't there? Do they stab, like a knife that is thrust repeatedly into the stomach? Or do they ache, as though a rubber band were being tied too tightly around the organs? I can't remember. The stomach growls, doesn't it? Does it sound like a lion roaring at it's enemy? That's the noise my stomach used to make; It doesn't anymore.

What did I have for breakfast? Coffee and two breathmints. What did I have for lunch? Coffee and two breathmints. The meaning of the word "snack" is lost on me. But at four o' clock -- oh, I could set my watch by it! -- at four o' clock the appetite gates open; unleasing an aggressive tornado on all food in sight. <--Love this line! During this time, I lose consciousness, only to look back later and think: "Wasn't there a cupcake here? Didn't we have a box of cookies? Or did I eat them all?" And then it happens; the nausea. A waterfall of shame cascading into a toilet bowl. I don't mean for it to happen, it just does. And the process repeats forever more.

Sincerely, Lucy.

P.S. We're dying.

This is still slightly confusing to me, add more detail for easily confused readers like me

If you need anything PM me!

Love,
N

It took me a while to figure out why you wrote "P.S., we're dying" at the end, because I thought it was a letter from one person to the next. and then I realized the reality of the matter, and it was one of those "OHHHHHHHH" moments.
haha.
In which case that part is amazing, my favorite.

Also, I liked the connection of puking to a waterfall of shame. As gross as it was, it was good (albeit disgusting) imagery.

over all, this opened my eyes to what having an eating disorder would be like for someone. I don't know what else to say except that it was great. Sad, but great.

It is short, but it's very good. Had a slow moment for a bit. "Dear Lucy, from Lucy? Neat..." Luckily, moments only tend to last a moment. Can't find anything to change, but I love this section here:

What did I have for breakfast? Coffee and two breathmints. What did I have for lunch? Coffee and two breathmints.

It pulled me into the second paragraph. The next line almost looses me, but the one after pulls me back in. The first paragraph starts out good, but almost looses it's intrest when it continues to go on. It's not bad, it's still good, but not *as* good as the rest of the piece. Guess that's a curse of writing well, eh? Need to continue writing well or people poke you with sticks.

You did a good job of capturing emotions, and I felt for your character, which, as it's non-fiction, I'll just assume is you. Hope you work something out soon, doesn't sound too fun.

Hope you feel better.