It Was Fun, Love

Sorry, if this is in the wrong place, but its not what you would exactly classify fantasy or romantic but still here it is! And I am sorry ahead of time for my lack of grammar and run on sentences. I am awful at that sort of thing.

I walked as if I was in a dream. I felt as though I were in the clouds. I was being pulled up the stairs by a wide and smooth hand. He was drawing me up the steps that I had only looked at longingly for the past few months. Though I felt like a girl in a dream I took in every thing in this moment I had been waiting for. The carpet under my slippers, the coolness of his hand underneath his glove, and the sweetness of his breath tinged with wine.

He reached out with another gloved hand and undid the comb holding my curls to the side of my head. My hat had been abandoned in the sitting room along with my gloves and any ribbons that had adorned my body. But one could never feel naked or exposed when they were with Silas.

He stopped, I stumbled momentarily and he caught me in his arms with his unusual grace and strength. He smiled and laughed a laugh that could only be extracted from that cherry colored mouth. I found me self laughing too. Mine a donkey’s bray compared to Silas’s. I could see the large oak door now. We were nearly at the top of the long staircase and my heart was resembling a sparrow trapped in a cage. Fluttering about so madly now that I was sure Silas could hear it. Ironically as thought it his eyes flashed and lips part for a moment before he presses them together. I saw myself in his shimmering ashy gray eyes now. The my naive expression, cinnamon stick colored curls fell all about a small round-cheeked oval face freely. My bodice undone so a whale bone corset was exposed along with the pale half moon curve of my breasts. I could see how wide and adoring my green eyes looked and how thin my lashes were. The powder that paled face was nearly completely kissed away at this point.

I could feel the door being pushed open, I could feel my self being laid down on chaise and then could feel his weight atop me. Ice cold lips pressing against mine. This was the moment I had been waiting for. I ran my short fingers through Silas’s chestnut colored hair, a thatch of it falling into his eyes. I traced prominent cheek bones in his face and laced my olive fingers with his long white ones. He smiled coyly, then again as if he knew some thing that I was oblivious to.

We did not talk as we had in the past. In front of my parents he played the perfect proper gentleman. He was twenty three and I was eighteen. But I loved him and that much I was sure of. I had come tonight for supper with him. He lived alone and the past display for curtsey and manners he had show to my parents was enough to convince them that I could go. So we ate, well I ate that is. And then in the parlor the kissing began. Soft and gentle at first. I had never kissed or been kissed so he was guiding me along slowly. Then the passion play had begun. The kisses were more feverish, as if Silas has found something he was hungering for now and my gloves were off, ribbons were undone and bonnets were thrown in heaps on the rich carpet.

We usually talked but now our mouths moved together with out reason to ruin the moment with our voices. My dress was abandoned and cast into a corner and cool pale hands had guided my thick ones in unbuttoning his fine shirt. The chaise had been ripped and torn from Silas’s frantic tearing at my bodice and dress. We were now on the bed, myself with nothing but a transparent shift and Silas with nothing but a pair of silky trousers. I trailed my fingers down the length of his spine as his soft full lips moved from my jaw to my neck, the whole time thinking about how amazing it was that some one as small and insignificant as me would end up this way with the most beautiful boy in the town and quite possibly in all the world.

He stopped then, pulling me off the large soft bed holding both my hands firmly in his. I looked at his questioningly stepped closer to him. At this he smiled his white even canine teeth had lengthened considerably now, but perhaps this was just my imagination. His hand fell down my back and came to rest on the small of it. Pressing me closer and with his free hand brushing my hair away from my neck tenderly. He drew us closer to the open window, the night looked like black velvet enveloping us and I shuddered to think what a drop it would be to the cobblestones below. A damp breeze rustled the curtains and sent stray curls blowing about my rounded face. He caught one strand in his hands and toyed with it between his fingers for a moment.

“You know, it took months to make you love me Lottie, and now I could crush it so easily.” He whispered sweetly smiling at me. There could be no mistake now his teeth were indeed longer. But I was too giddy to notice any of that. I reached for my hair and giggled like a school girl.
“What on earth do you mean Silas! There is nothing in the world that could crush me now.” I laughed again and he joined me in the laughter smirking now. His head dipped down to kiss my neck and when he came back up his eyes were darker and the gentle smile that he always wore was replace by one of a predator. It was then when I noticed the lack of a second heart beat in the room and then when I became very frightened. His fingers brushed over my left breast and a wide gash appeared, he then leant down and ran a long pale tongue along the spot. I opened my mouth and tried to scream but found my vocal cords frozen now and I was trapped in his arms.
“Now dear, before I kill you I shall let you know that you were the more intriguing to ensnare.” he laughed icily and dipped me as if were but dancing, lowering his head to the thick vein in my neck. Before consciousness completely left me he whispered some thing to me, his lips pressed against me ear.
“It was fun, love.” And then I could feel the elongated teeth sink into my neck and the blackness closed like blinds over my eyes.
* * * * * * * * *

The next morning on the street was the bloodless body of Lottie Greys sprawled and broken on the street outside Silas Emmerson’s window. Battered and broken but with two small bruised puncture wounds on the side of her neck. But Silas was no longer in the house. Now he was having tea with a charming petite little thing in a new parlor in Brussels England.

Hi, there! I'm really tired right now, so it's probably not the best time for me to be reviewing anything, but I'll go ahead anyways.

I didn't notice any major run-ons; just a few that could be separated with a semi-colon. You're grammar usage was fine as well. The descriptiveness in this was above average, and that is what made me keep reading. Because honestly, how many times has a vampire love story been written?

Overall, I liked it. I would suggest going through it and adding necessary punctuation (if you have any questions about that you can PM me if you wish) and cleaning it up a bit.

Keep up the good work


*anti-pop


EDIT:

Oh yeah. *I'm realllly tired* This should probably be PG-13. Just a heads-up before nit-picky people complain.

Hey there Tabithalillian.

I walked as if I was in a dream.

How does it feel like walking in a dream? Be more specific.

I felt as though I were in the clouds.

Again, what does it feel like?

He was drawing me up the steps that I had only looked at longingly for the past few months.

Why is that? Explain.

Though I felt like a girl in a dream I took in every thing in this moment I had been waiting for.

What are you trying to say here? That the narrator feels spoiled? You need to be clearer with your expression here.

The carpet under my slippers, the coolness of his hand underneath his glove, and the sweetness of his breath tinged with wine.

You need a verb here to link the narrator with the descriptions. Right now, this is incomplete as a sentence. I'm assuming that the narrator felt those things right? So why don't you start the sentence with "I felt..."?

He reached out with another gloved hand and undid the comb holding my curls to the side of my head.

Nix "with another gloved hand". If he's reaching out, then it's pretty obvious to the audience that it's going to be with a hand. Put "up" right after "curls" as a comb is designed to hold hair up in a certain position and nix "to" and replace it with "on".

My hat had been abandoned in the sitting room along with my gloves and any ribbons that had adorned my body. But one could never feel naked or exposed when they were with Silas.

I wouldn't use the word "abandoned" here. When you abandon someone or something, you are basically leaving them for dead. But here, the narrator has simply left her clothing in another room. "Left" would be a better word choice than "abandoned". While I'm at it, why do we need to know where the narrator has left her clothes?

He stopped, I stumbled momentarily and he caught me in his arms with his unusual grace and strength.

Nix the comma after "stopped" and replace it with a full-stop. If the guy had stopped suddenly (which I assumed he had based on the sentence after this) then you want to reflect that with the length of your sentences. Long sentences are better suited for description, characterisation, explanation and for actions that are subtle and slow. Also, how did the narrator stumble anyways? And can you give examples of the guy's grace and strength?

He smiled and laughed a laugh that could only be extracted from that cherry colored mouth.

Do we really need to know as to what the guy's laugh sounds like? It is redundant. The same can be said about the comparison made after this sentence.

We were nearly at the top of the long staircase and my heart was resembling a sparrow trapped in a cage.

Keep your simile in context with what's happening so that it doesn't seem random.

I saw myself in his shimmering ashy gray eyes now. The my naive expression, cinnamon stick colored curls fell all about a small round-cheeked oval face freely. My bodice undone so a whale bone corset was exposed along with the pale half moon curve of my breasts. I could see how wide and adoring my green eyes looked and how thin my lashes were. The powder that paled face was nearly completely kissed away at this point.

You've interfered the flow of the writing by shoving these descriptions during a crucial action sequence. At least try to integrate this better with what's happening. It makes your writing not that clear and fluent to read. Also, there should be a "was" after "bodice".

I could feel the door being pushed open, I could feel my self being laid down on chaise and then could feel his weight atop me.

Laid down on chaise? Doesn't make sense.

We did not talk as we had in the past. In front of my parents he played the perfect proper gentleman. He was twenty three and I was eighteen. But I loved him and that much I was sure of. I had come tonight for supper with him. He lived alone and the past display for curtsey and manners he had show to my parents was enough to convince them that I could go. So we ate, well I ate that is. And then in the parlor the kissing began. Soft and gentle at first. I had never kissed or been kissed so he was guiding me along slowly. Then the passion play had begun. The kisses were more feverish, as if Silas has found something he was hungering for now and my gloves were off, ribbons were undone and bonnets were thrown in heaps on the rich carpet.

This is info dumping. Info dumping is when you start giving background information of a certain place or person in a linear fashion. I highly suggest that you get rid of this as you are clogging up the tempo of a vital point in the piece.

We were now on the bed, myself with nothing but a transparent shift and Silas with nothing but a pair of silky trousers.

What is a transparent shift?

I trailed my fingers down the length of his spine as his soft full lips moved from my jaw to my neck, the whole time thinking about how amazing it was that some one as small and insignificant as me would end up this way with the most beautiful boy in the town and quite possibly in all the world.

Small and insignificant how? Give examples of this.

At this he smiled his white even canine teeth had lengthened considerably now, but perhaps this was just my imagination.

Given the situation that the narrator's in, would she had even noticed this? I'm thinking that she would be more concerned about making out with him than noticing subtle changes like that.

Overall impressions:

I'm not going to talk too much here as I think my quotations pretty much speak for themselves. When there is an action sequence happening, you mustn't clog it up with info dumping and pointless descriptions. Read over this piece again carefully and cut out what you don't need. You do not need to show us every single thing that happened during that sex sequence.

In terms of the narrator, do not use generalisations and vague statements as it gives very little for the reader to search for. You should try to be specific and back up what you are saying with examples.

Lastly, the plot of this piece was just predictable because of its blatant signs that something is going to go wrong "Girl being overly happy, the overuse of smiles and laughs as interaction devices between the couple, the shift of the narrative to the sex scene and over-dose of physical descriptions. Make things more subtle so that it wouldn't be as predictable as before. Focus on other aspects of the relation than just the actual physical romance (with novice vampire writers, that seems to be a big focus).

Good luck.

Andy.

P.S: I highly recommend that you rate this as PG 13. At least you didn't directly state the fact that the narrator was naked.

Edit: I just noticed that you've read "Interview with the Vampire" after realizing who the character is in your avatar. In that case, I think you should check it out again. The book doesn't focus on just the sexual aspect of vampires, but other themes such as the boredom one faces for being immortal and the dilemma of whether to fulfill their family responsibilities or their own vampiric cravings. You would had also noticed that the writing isn't all just physical descriptions either.

*bows graciously* The name’s lily and I’ll be reviewing for you today.

I felt as though I were in the clouds. I was being pulled up the stairs by a wide and smooth hand.

These could and probably should be combined. “I felt as though I were in the clouds, being pulled up the stairs by a wide, smooth hand.” Well, this is just a suggestion anyway.

He reached out with another gloved hand and undid the comb holding my curls to the side of my head. My hat had been abandoned in the sitting room along with my gloves and any ribbons that had adorned my body. But one could never feel naked or exposed when they were with Silas.

This chunk is very well constructed and I like your gentle way of describing Lottie in her current state.

He stopped, I stumbled momentarily and he caught me in his arms with his unusual grace and strength.

“He stopped.” should be a sentence on its own.

I found me self laughing too. Mine a donkey’s bray compared to Silas’s.

ha, “I found me self…” silly mistake, huh. These two sentences should be combined a bit like this: “I found myself laughing too, a donkey’s bray in comparison to Silas’s.”

I could see the large oak door now. We were nearly at the top of the long staircase and my heart was resembling a sparrow trapped in a cage. Fluttering about so madly now that I was sure Silas could hear it.

This here should begin as a new paragraph. Also, the last two sentences again, should be cut a bit and edited. Here: “We were reaching the top of the staircase and my heart felt like a sparrow trapped in a cage, fluttering about so madly now that I was sure Silas could hear it.”

Ironically as thought it his eyes flashed and lips part for a moment before he presses them together.

I don’t quite understand this part here and I think it’s the first portion. Either you left out an integral word or “thought” should be “thought.” I’m not sure but it definitely should be fixed. Also, again, new paragraph. Don’t be afraid to have multiple small paragraphs.

The my (My or The, but not both) naive expression, cinnamon stick colored curls fell all about a small round-cheeked oval face freely. My bodice (was) undone so a whale bone corset was exposed along with the pale half moon curve of my breasts. I could see how wide and adoring my green eyes looked and how thin my lashes were. The powder that paled face was nearly completely kissed away at this point.

Other than those few little itty bitty mistakes, there isn’t anything wrong with this part. Rather, I’m in love with the description. Lottie, physically anyway, reminds me of Gemma Doyle, of the Gemma Doyle Trilogy by Libba Bray. I don’t know what you enjoy reading but they’re very good.

I could feel the door being pushed open, I could feel my self being laid down on chaise and then could feel his weight atop me.

A few words need to be cut. Try: “I could feel the door being pushed open, feel myself being laid down on chaise, feel his weight on top of me.”

I ran my short fingers through Silas’s chestnut colored hair, a thatch of it falling into his eyes.

Short is not normally a word you would want to use to describe fingers. It’s really unnecessary here. It’s an adjective that you’re really just stumble over. Otherwise, the sentences are very good.

I traced prominent cheek bones in his face and laced my olive fingers with his long white ones. He smiled coyly, then again as if he knew some thing that I was oblivious to.

Again, another unneeded adjective. Nix “olive.” I promise, it’s for your own good. Also, “then” isn’t needed along with the comma before it. And “some thing” should be “something,” one word not two.

We did not talk as we had in the past.

For song and word flow, I would recommend making “did not” into “didn’t.”

He lived alone and (in) the past display for (displays of) curtsey and manners he had show to my parents was enough to convince them that I could go.

Also, after this, start it as another paragraph.

We usually talked but now our mouths moved together with out reason to ruin the moment with our voices.

You don’t really need this sentence. The paragraph before starts with a similar one that gives about the same meaning.

My dress was abandoned and cast into a corner and cool pale hands had guided my thick ones in unbuttoning his fine shirt.

Again with the description of her hands. Try this: “My dress was abandoned and cast into a corner while cool pale hands guided me in unbuttoning his fine (maybe throw in a fabric type here.) shirt.”

We were now on the bed, myself with nothing but a transparent shift and Silas with nothing but a pair of silky trousers.

Though there isn’t really anything wrong, it rambles a lot and I want to give a suggestion. “We were on the bed now, I, in nothing but a transparent shift and Silas undressed down to a pair of silky trousers.”

I looked at his questioningly stepped closer to him.

Again, this sentence is a smidge confusing. I think you meant, “I looked at him questioningly, stepping closer to him”

He drew us closer to the open window, the night looked like black velvet enveloping us and I shuddered to think what a drop it would be to the cobblestones below.

“He drew us closer to the open window.” Is one sentence. But the rest of this is really nice. Descriptive and insightful at the same time with a nice chunk of foreshadowing.

A damp breeze rustled the curtains and sent stray curls blowing about my rounded face.

Loose the word “rounded.” It’s just another one of those unnecessary adjectives again. Yes, those little guys are nice, but too many can make your writing crowded.

His fingers brushed over my left breast and a wide gash appeared, he then leant down and ran a long pale tongue along the spot.

Again, this needs to be split into two sentences at the comma. Then, in the second sentence, flip flop “he” and “then.”

“Now dear, before I kill you I shall let you know that you were the more intriguing to ensnare.” he laughed icily and dipped me as if were but dancing, lowering his head to the thick vein in my neck. Before consciousness completely left me he whispered [b]some thing[b] to me, his lips pressed against me ear.

After “ensnare” you either want to change the period to a comma or just capitalize the “he” after the dialogue. Also, you made something into two words again.

“It was fun, love.” And then I could feel the elongated teeth sink into my neck and the blackness closed like blinds over my eyes.

This needs a few words altered and you need to nix “then.” Change “sink” to “sinking” and “closed” to “closing.”

The next morning on the street was the bloodless body of Lottie Greys sprawled and broken on the street outside Silas Emmerson’s window. Battered and broken but with two small bruised puncture wounds on the side of her neck. But Silas was no longer in the house. Now he was having tea with a charming petite little thing in a new parlor in Brussels England.

I really like this part but it needs a little fixing up. “The next morning, Lottie Grey’s body was found sprawled and broken on the street below Silas Emmerson’s window, entirely drained of blood. She was battered and broken along with a pair of small, bruised puncture wounds on the side of her neck. But Silas was no longer in the house. Now he was having tea with a charming, petite little thing in a new parlor in Brussels, England.”


Wow, this was the longest review I’ve ever typed up. But it was exciting to find a vampire piece. Very cool. But this wasn’t bad. I mean, obviously it needed some things changed but not so many that I wasn’t willing to spend the last two hours examining them. The idea is beautiful, the characters are charming, the execution just needed a little work.