I'm Internally Bleeding

I was awaken this morning,
by the sound of blue jays chirping
and squirrels dancing in the trees.

I slowly maneuvered myself out of bed
and thought, damn, I'm still alive.

Life is so hard,
when you feel all alone,
and when you can't sleep at night,
walking the desolate streets,
trying to find peace of mind.

I'm searching for something in this world or in the heavens above,
that will ignite a passion deep inside of my soul
and make me believe in something.

I haven't found what I'm looking for
and that troubles me deeply.

Late at night,
when I'm all alone
and no one is home to bother me.

I sit at the edge of my bed,
reminisce about the pain of my past,
and what I've been through as a child.

I'm slipping away in the darkness
and the demons are surfacing
through the skeletons in my closet.

I need someone to invest in me.
Someone to love me and hold me close,
like a beautiful infant boy
longing for the caresses of his mothers touch.

I want to be submerged in the true milk of intimacy
and lay in the security of love and trust.

Until the way is shown to me,
and the path made clear
I will be forever internally bleeding.

Hi, I'm reviewing your poem First off, I do want to say that I think this poem is really good, it just needs a couple of reviews; so bear with all my nit-picks! Okay, here we go.

I was awaken this morning,

by the sound of Blue Jay's chirping

and Squirrels dancing in the trees.

The first line is a bit awkward. Maybe you could go with something like "I awoke this morning/to the sound..." and ditch the comma. Also, blue jays and squirrels shouldn't be capitalized, and you don't need the apostrophe.

I slowly maneuvered myself out of bed

and thought in my mind, "damn I'm still alive."

Ditch the 'in my mind'. If you're thinking, of course it's in your mind! Where else will it be? And you don't need the quotations either, but there should be a comma after 'damn'.

Life is so hard,

when you feel all alone

and when you can't sleep at night;

walking the desolate streets trying to find peace of mind.

Ditch the second 'when'. It's repetitive. Otherwise, I like this stanza.

I'm searching for something in this world or in the heavens above,

that will ignite a passion deep inside of my soul

and make me believe in something.

I like this one too. No suggestions

I haven't found what I'm looking for

and that troubles me deeply.



I'm internally bleeding.

Late at night,

when I'm all alone

and no one is home to bother me.

Ditch the period.

I just sit at the edge of my bed,

reminisce about the pain of my past,

and what I've been through as a child.

The last line is a bit redundant-I assume what you've been as a child IS apart of the pain in your past? Also, just saying that ('I had pain in my past, I've been through things') is vague. Show us what these things are and how they still affect you.

I'm slipping away in the darkness

and the demons are surfacing

through the skeletons in my closet.

Good images, but read it again: 'demons are surfacing through the skeletons in my closet'? What does that mean?


I'm internally bleeding.

I need someone to invest in me.

Someone to love me and hold me close,

like a beautiful infant boy

longing for the caresses of his mother.

Aren't we all?

I want to be submerged in the true milk of intimacy

and lay in the security of love and trust.



Until the way is shown to me,

and the path made clear;

I will be forever internally bleeding.

Ditch the semicolon. 'Until the way is shown to me, and the path is made clear' is not a complete thought: until what? So the semi colon needs to be a comma, or nothing at all.

Overall:
This was good, Xavier. I thought you did tremendously well with getting your ideas across and really communicating. All my suggestions are above! (hope they help)
PM me for anything.

Hello! I liked the message your poem was trying to portray. The pain we all feel inside but hate to acknowledge. However, I thought that the flow of it was more like a story rather than a poem.


Life is so hard,

when you feel all alone

and when you can't sleep at night;

walking the desolate streets trying to find peace of mind.


I think you should break apart that last line, so that it reads:


Life is so hard,
When you feel all alone,
And when you can't sleep at night,
Walking the desolate streets,
Trying to find peace of mind.

It works better with the length of the other lines in the stanza, and since you don't have a fixed number of lines for each stanza, four lines would be acceptable.
Other than that, it's a very nice poem.

Oh! Really good improvements! The first two stanzas are now my favorites.
*clicks gold star button*

I was awaken this morning,
by the sound of blue jays chirping
and squirrels dancing in the trees.

This first paragraph sounds forced. The first section is the most crucial to make the reader want to keep reading. Also, 'awaken' doesn't sound right in the context you have used it ini.

I slowly maneuvered myself out of bed
and thought, damn, I'm still alive.

Is your bed a maze? Why not say 'I slowly rose from my bed, cursing my liveliness'

I'm slipping away in the darkness
and the demons are surfacing
through the skeletons in my closet.

For some odd reason this doesn't sound correct...

I need someone to invest in me
Someone to love me and hold me close
like a beautiful infant boy
longing for the caresses of his mother.

This sounds like you mean someone to help you in a time of financial need. Also, 'longing for the caresses of his mother' would be better wrote as 'longing for a mothers touch'


Summary;
This was a good attempt at lyrical poetry, the odd thing was; not al of it was lyrical.
Trying slipping some descriptions in there, and also try to get into the characters head- know what bugs her, know what she despises.

I'm back!

Let us start. It is one of your better poems. You have a few parts which I find very cliche and that is NOT what you want in a poem. Poems must be anti-cliche. lol

Also:

I haven't found what I'm looking for
and that troubles me deeply.

I'm internally bleeding.

This is funny. No offense. It can work. I just feel you just put it in the wrong place, if you know what I mean.

Late at night,
when I'm all alone
and no one is home to bother me.

I sit at the edge of my bed,
reminisce about the pain of my past,
and what I've been through as a child.

I'm slipping away in the darkness
and the demons are surfacing
through the skeletons (Maybe change it, but still I like this one, but try to see if other words can fit.) in my closet.

These are 3 funky stanzas. It's broken up beautifully. Each building up and that's what makes it so good. The I'm bleeding internally kinda fits there. Good points on that.

I want to be submerged in the true milk of intimacy
and lay in the security of love and trust.

Until the way is shown to me,
and the path made clear
I will be forever internally bleeding.

Now the bleeding internally works!! All the internally bleeding's can be taken out from above. This is a strong finish and that is good. I like it. You really put your game back in.

Hope this helps a bit.

Hello!

I think this is a great poem, well more than great, fantastic! I felt every emotion that you wanted me to feel and I really hope that you just wrote this to write it, because I couldn't imagine being this sad, if not, then I hope all is well. Your stanzas and words were properly executed, though I feel that this is bordering on Dramatic poetry for some reason. All in all, loved it and I hope you don't mind if I click on the gold star.

Favorite part:

I want to be submerged in the true milk of intimacy
and lay in the security of love and trust.

Until the way is shown to me,
and the path made clear
I will be forever internally bleeding.

Cheers!

~Angie