Dead And In Love

Okay, so I just got this idea and decided to post it.

I know it needs a lot of work and I was hoping you guys could give me some advice.

Because that's what YWSers do best!




Dead And In Love


Love;
the word sickens me.

It makes my body shake in acrimony.

He told me he loved me,
just weeks ago.

It doesn't matter anymore,
because he threw it all away.

He killed my heart,
shoved it right into the garbage.

And he left it there.

I'm forgotten,
a nightmare only to haunt him in dreams.

Love,
he doesn't love me.

If he had,
even just the tiniest bit,
I wouldn't be six feet under.

Encased in wood; covered dirt,
I lay here now,
decaying into nothing.

I still love him,
because I'm a fool.

My feelings never faded,
and now they can't just disappear.

I'll love him forever,
but I don't have a forever.

Love,
a four letter word that means so much.

Dead is a four letter word too,
and that's what I am.

Dead,
and in love.

Oh... so depressingly sweet. Loved it!
Didn't find any grammar errors just wanted to point out something:

My feelings never disappeared,

and now they can't just disappear.

This kindda ruins the flow, when someone reads it out loud.
I liked the comparison of love and dead.

oh well, keep up the good work!

Depressingly sweet? Wow... I've never heard that term before but it sounds really awesome! Thanks and I know that stanza pretty much ruins the poems flow but I just couldn't think of anything else to put in its place...

Wow! I really enjoyed this piece. I thought that it was written very well and original. You really drew me in. The reason why I enjoyed the poem, is because me and my girlfriend have been going through a lot lately. I cheated on her with another girl, who really didn't even mean anything to me. I was under a lot of pressure and I just decided to do something stupid. I believe in love sometimes, but I really don't like to exhibit those qualities. Your poem went right along, with what is currently taken place in my life. I told her I loved her, and that I cared, but I ended up doing something like that to her. I'm torn up about it but not really. I'm use to one night stands and meaningless get together, that's what I'm use to. But how do I put that behind me and really have a successful relationship. Sometimes, I just think I'm better off on my own.

[Love;
the word sickens me.]

I can totally agree. You introduced the subject and then gave your feelings about it. Good open!

[It makes my body shake in acrimony. ]

You went further in depth of how love effects you, which lets the reader know that love is a serious problem for you. Good Job!

[He told me he loved me,
just weeks ago. ]

I can seriously relate to this because I told my girlfriend the same thing just a couple of weeks ago.

[It doesn't matter anymore,
because he threw it all away.]

Woo, hit-tin home a little to much. I'm guilty. Need to stop!

[He killed my heart,
shoved it right into the garbage.]

I'm pretty sure I did that, but for some reason, she forgives me and still wants to be with me. Isn't that crazy?

[I'm forgotten,
a nightmare only to haunt him in dreams. ]

I still think about it and wonder if I could have controlled myself and did something different.

Love,
he doesn't love me.

If he had,
even just the tiniest bit,
I wouldn't be six feet under.

Encased in wood; covered dirt,
I lay here now,
decaying into nothing.

I still love him,
because I'm a fool.

My feelings never faded,
and now they can't just disappear.

I'll love him forever,
but I don't have a forever.

Love,
a four letter word that means so much.

Dead is a four letter word too,
and that's what I am.

Dead,
and in love.

I liked how you took a turn in the poem by relating to death the way that this person affected you. I understand the solitude and loneliness that you must have felt, that made you feel that way because he made you feel like you were dead mentally. You even went into more detail about how he affected you by indicating that

[My feelings never faded,
and now they can't just disappear.
]

You added a lot of emotion in this poem and gave an exact depiction on how this four letter word affects you. You went into extreme detail and stayed on topic. Good job, keep writing!