This was done in January 2008. So this isn't recent work, but I just recently found it on my laptop so I decided to give it a wee post. So no need to rip it apart, if you want to help just tell me the MAJOR mistakes. I'm currently taking Creative Writing in college so I want to have a ROUGH idea of what I am doing wrong.
He smiles, his large chocolate brown eyes glistening with my reflection. He takes a hold of my hand and squeezes it tight, looking deeply into my eyes.
“Sammi, you mean the world to me, you’re so beautiful.” He whispers,
My face turns a light shade of pink and I giggle, embarrassed. He wraps his fingers around my pale white wrist, his thumb caressing my veins. But for some reason the more he rubs, the fatter my wrist becomes, until his thumb no longer touches the other fingers. He stares at me disgusted, the glistening in his eyes has vanished and in its place is a fire of revolt and disgust. He lets go sharply and turns away.
“Sammi, keep away from me, I don’t do fat chicks.” He spits.
I feel myself bubbling, I cry his name but he disappears and I’m left by myself, growing and growing.
I wake up, crying his name, my eyes forming a thick layer of tears, my vision blurry. I pull away the covers and look down at my body. I can barely see it; the room is pitch black, the only thing that is visible is the sickening outline of my pathetic obese bulk. The tears fall to my lips, I lick them, tasting its salty flavour. I get up slowly, my body weak. I grab my large, thick nightgown and open my bedroom door. I can’t see so I turn the hallway light on.
“Now that’s a lot better.”
I smile as I slowly make my way down the stairs, my legs trembling slightly. Facing the stairs; I notice a thick, pink picture frame on the small cabinet next to one of my mum’s cat statues. It held a photo of me and a close friend, Cassie, our tongues were sticking out while our hair swept across our faces. We were sweaty and wet from the dancing.
I chuckle lightly, staring at her gorgeous features. She’s tall, thin and tanned. I look like nothing compared to her, in the picture and in general. She was the ideal example of perfection, something I am extremely jealous of. Of course, it was nothing I could achieve, but I can’t achieve anything. She has such confidence and life in her. She isn’t afraid to show herself off. Something I lost months ago, to a person I thought I loved. I was just like her, I knew I was perfect, people envied us. He made me feel amazing to a point my head could explode from being so incredibly big headed and self loving. I pitied the unattractive and the single, and treated them as if they were merely slaves to my kingdom of greatness. In the end; me and him didn’t seem to work out. I had appeared too clingy towards him as I depended on him to keep my perfect image. I didn’t actually realise how much I depended on him and it destroyed me. I became my own slave of shame.
I remember our last conversation as if it was yesterday. I was sitting down at my desk, perfecting my makeup, singing along to Lily Alan while chatting to Cassie on Instant Messenger. My phone rang and I jumped, stabbing my eyeliner into my eye. I grabbed for my phone as my eye watered into a blur, and pressed accept clumsily.
“Hello?” I squeaked, my eye in pain.
“Hey doll, it’s me Kieran. Erm… you busy?”
“Nope, not at the moment, how come baby?” I answer,
“Well, erh… meet me at the Balmoral Café in ten minutes okay?” He muttered.
His voice was quiet, I could barely hear it. But I agreed. As soon as he hung up; I ran to the bathroom, grabbing a tissue and gently began dabbing my eye, carefully making sure I didn’t ruin the rest of my makeup. There was something different about him, he sounded unsure…, sad. But I ignored it, believing it was nothing important.
I arrived there twenty minutes later. I decided to change my outfit entirely. I decided to go for the simple yet sexy look which concluded of long black leather boots, black tights, short denim skirt and a long, blue puffy-sleeved top, I personally thought I looked “dazzling”. He was sitting there, alone in the corner of the cafe, his hood up, crouched over, his hands wrapped around a small while cup. He looked as if he was too absorbed in his own thoughts. He didn’t even look up with I sat myself across from him; he just sat there, head down, staring at the hot, brown liquid. I huffed, finding it incredibly rude.
“Kieran, are you not even going to say hi?” I snapped.
He finally glanced up, his eyes seemed red and puffy. He looked like he had been crying. My heart missed a beat.
“Kieran?”
“Would you like a drink?” He asked, his voice was raspy.
He coughed loudly, clearing his throat. I nodded, my lips sealed. He lifted himself from the chair and turned for the counter. I sat there, puzzled, even though it seemed that I was often too involved with myself; I knew him inside out. And this was certainly not his usual energetic self. He returned with a cup of tea, two sugars and a lot of milk, just how I liked it. He always treated me like a princess and I adored it.
“Sammi…,” He begun.
My heart jumped another beat. I knew what ever was next wasn’t going to sound good. I was scared and nervous. Had someone died? Was he dying? Was I dying? Maybe something awful had happened to him. It would seem explain his quietness.
“No, Kieran, I want you to know I’m here for you, no matter what. I love you, you can count on me. You know it’s nice to know you trust me. You look terrible, it must have been horrific. Has someone died?” I butted in, taking a hold of his hand, smiling, staring into his dark brown eyes.
He looked away, and pulled his hand away sharply. He looked down at his drinking and began stirring it. Refusing to look up.
“Sammi, please be quiet. You’re making this so much harder.” He sighed,
“What are you on about? How am I?” I snapped,
“Please just listen.”
My heart began beating faster. Any faster and it’d have ran out of my chest. Deep down I knew it wasn’t to do with death; it was to do with us. But yet I kept trying to hide it, my perfect world will not be ruined.
“I’ve been thinking, about us. Lately we’ve been going through a rough patch…”
Nothing was wrong… was there? My whole body began quivering, I became weak. But I hid it, I was strong, I could make him look like the fool I kept thinking. The tears stayed in place, I was mighty. I was strong.
“I don’t think I can handle this, I need some space.”
I stared at him, my shoulders bouncing, sniffing, holding back the tears with all my might and willpower.
“Why? We’re perfect!” I screeched,
“No we’re not. Sammi, you keep expecting so much of me, and I can’t do this. We’re not perfect, we never were. I’m sorry.”
He stood up, his eyes still neglecting to rise to my face. He sniffed and wiped his nose with his jacket sleeve. Sighing deeply, he turned to the door and drifted away, leaving me crying as my world suddenly became not so perfect as it once was.
I breathe heavily, it’s the past now. Get over it Sammi. I gently place the frame down, so the photo was no longer visible. All memories I do not want to remind myself of. I’m in the bathroom now, my nightgown wrapped tightly around my small frame. I glance over to the bathroom mirror which hangs tidily over the sink. My face is blotchy and red, my eyes are puffy and my cheeks look as if I have planted balloons in both sides of my mouth. I sigh in disgust, my whole body is squirming with hate as my eyes stay fixated to the mirror. I turn on the taps then make my way to the bathtub to do the same thing. The sound of water running soundproofs my constant moans and hiccups as I cry. I bend over the toilet, tears dripping from my face into the pan. My nose is running badly now. The shaking’s getting a little bit worse. The snot and tears are mixing in, no matter how many times I sniff, it has no effect. Name one word that describes you. Worthless, is that a good one for you? I roll my sleeves up. Ugly, look there’s another one for you. I pulled back my hair and tuck behind my ears. Fat. Now we’re talking. I heave.
I chuckle lightly wiping my face with my bare arm, the smell of sick is strong and rancid. I wipe the seat with toilet paper and then flush the toilet. I start to feel extremely weak, my heads pounding, I can’t stop my body from violently shivering. I’m cold yet the room is warm. A sudden rush flies through my head, everything turns blurry, I begin to panic. I’m spinning, my legs become weaker than ever. I feel as if I’m dying, my stomach’s rumbling violently. My desperate attempt of gaining perfection is being chucked back in my face, just like what Kieran done. I lost my sense of control and focus when I lost him. I felt broken and so alone although I wasn’t. I had family and friends so how do I feel like this? I fall to my knees, tears spilling, scared and shivering. Life is not how it seems. It’s all fake and dangerous. And now I’m alone. Everything around me slowly dissolves, my life turns black.
I thought I was in control, I was gaining, but it was it was the need of perfection that controlled me.
