When I'm With you.

The raging waves flow higher.

The juicy strawberries become riper.

The exotic rain forest grows vaster.

The full, glowing moon rises sooner.

When I’m with you.


The shriveled, sick flowers come back to life.

The giant sunflowers smell sweet.

The weeping willows no longer shed their tears.

All the gray clouds blow away.

When I’m with you.


The sugary sap tastes sweeter.

The raging storms become softer.

The strong, sea breeze smells saltier.

The sound of the canary sings sweeter than ever.

when I’m with you.

Hey, this is a really good poem, but my question is whether or not you meant for the second stanza not to rhyme. Thought that put aside, it is a really good poem. I love how it's simple and it does have the same emotions that Bella and Edward do. Keep it up, and welcome to YWS!

Hey, this is a really good poem, but my question is whether or not you meant for the second stanza not to rhyme. Thought that put aside, it is a really good poem. I love how it's simple and it does have the same emotions that Bella and Edward do. Keep it up, and welcome to YWS!

Thanks.
No I wasn't intending to rhyme in the second stanza.

I don't know. I see the point that you are in love and all, but I don't know...
Since you are new I will go easy on you...(yeah right) Nah just joking. I will try to help you as best as I can with my knowledge.(Which isn't really that much)

The miniature stars shine brighter.

The scratchy sand feels smoother.

The shrouded sky becomes clearer.

The bright yellow sun rises sooner.

When I’m with you.

All of this is really 'expected' if you know what I mean and I'm really use to this kind of poetry so that's probably why I wasn't WOW when I read this. So this is your chance to surprise me to improve it so that I'm speechless. I will say it is good that you show the changes and power that you had put in the poem. You have a creative knowledge of words and that is very good and it will help you with future poems.

I also like the idea of repeating the "When I'm with you" at the end of every stanza.
It gives that tension that shows us the love for the person and how the person's life changes when he/she is near the person he/she loves.

So I take my hat down for you to say that this is good, but you CAN improve it. Show me you can.

To be quite honest, this is basically one giant cliche.

There are many poems that just talk about how nice things are nicer or bad things become nice when they are with their loved one, and this is no different.

Also, I found a huge variation in rhythm. You vary from 7 syllables (The raging waves flow higher. and All the gray clouds blow away.) all the way to a whopping 13 syllables (The sound of the canary sings sweeter than ever.) per line. Given two of those are the beginning and end lines, this may have been on purpose, but it certainly didn't work, especially because there is no gradual change.

7 10 10 9 10 8 11 7 8 8 8 13 is the amount of syllables for each line, excluding "When I'm with you.", and as you can see, there is no gradual change that might have been slightly interesting, such as 7 8 8 9 9 10 10 11 11 12 12 13. Instead, you start with 7 syllables, do random amounts of syllables in between, and finish with 13.

You don't go into any description about who the lover is, and who is being loved. Instead, you simply go on about all these sorts of nice things, and it is left looking just like all those other poems that do the exact same thing.

If this were a stand-alone poem with actual detail and such, it might go something like this while still retaining what you have here slightly.

You smile, blah blah
Blah blah blah I am not good at writing
romantic poetry, just critiquing it
so I won't really fill this in blah blah
When I’m with you, the raging waves flow higher.

Such and such, blah
Blah blah blah
Poem line here, blah
Blah blah blah blah
When I'm with you, all the grey clouds blow away.

See what I mean? As is, it's weak. If you were to incorporate this "When I'm with you, good things happen!" theme into a line that would go after every four line stanza, or five line, or whatever you like, and have the actual stanza be part of a poem with an actual story and purpose and description, it would be better.

Good job this being your first poem. the poem really shows me just how you feel about this person although, i do see some spots were it need improving but you gave it your heart and it shows in your work adn that is what poetry is all about.

You wrote a really great poem! I like it alot. There isn't a whole lot I would hcange, but just one or two things.

The raging waves flow higher.

The juicy strawberries become riper.

The exotic rain forest grows vaster. This is a bit confusing, because everything else is just getting better, faster, and the rainforest is kind of getting smaller.

The full, glowing moon rises sooner.

When I’m with you.


The shriveled, sick flowers come back to life.

The giant sunflowers smell sweet.

The weeping willows no longer shed their tears.

All the gray clouds blow away.

When I'm with you.


The sugary sap tastes sweeter.

The raging storms become softer.

The strong, sea breeze smells saltier.

The sound of the canary sings sweeter than ever.

All in all, It is a great poem. Keep writing!

twilightxd wrote:The raging waves flow higher.

The juicy strawberries become riper.

The exotic rain forest grows vaster.

The full, glowing moon rises sooner.

When I’m with you.


The shriveled, sick flowers come back to life.

The giant sunflowers smell sweet.

The weeping willows no longer shed their tears.

All the gray clouds blow away.

When I’m with you.


The sugary sap tastes sweeter.

The raging storms become softer.

The strong, sea breeze smells saltier.

The sound of the canary sings sweeter than ever.

when I’m with you.

A GREAT USE OF VERBS!!!!!! Very strong and detailed poem. It really gives a good feel of your love towards this person.