Global Decay

wisemann210 wrote:(Hey Jon! It's not every day I read poems about the earth ^_^ this made me smile. I am going to try not to kill it; I'll just pick at the words gently, mmkay?)

(Now, I understand that we need this like this; but I don't like your opening line. It can become confusing, so we should clarify it a bit; If you are looking IN from outer space, then it wouldn't appear as a marble right? But if you are looking at it, then it would of course. So maybe we need to try something different. And also! Chiseled works well here, but you may want to note that chiseling makes things rough until you sand it over xD. And in your last line, the use of "well" makes you sound a bit doubting and kind of pulls away from the awesomeness of the poem )

From space looking in,
A perfect chiseled marble.
Blue, green, and white,
Well, that's how it used to be.

(
From outer space
A perfect, chiseled marble,
Blue, green, and white
How it used to be)

(The truth is, is that-- just sounds awkward. Should be "The truth is that," By the way, this stanza wins... it's so true (Yeah, I am totally a earth freak))

The truth is, is that,
Our planet is dying.
The frozen tundras,
Now puddles of death.

(Now here, the reader can easily become confused. I know you mean the tundras, but you would need to clarify that. However, that would create repetition and that would equal horribleness. So, if you don't mind me tearing and putting something else, I would say;

The wilderness dies
And with it, animals

Also, "We could muster up might" confused me although it is pretty clear. I'll leave it alone , but I don't know if it takes away from the clarity.
)
We let them die,
And with it, animals.
We could muster up might,
But its not us, right?

(This stanza sounded a little weak; I think it should have a stronger tone to it; after all it is the stronger side of the argument.)

No, you're wrong,
We are one world.
When will we clean,
This planet of filth?

(I would almost say drop this stanza and replace it with another. It's good, but again, it lacks the urgency we need here)

People, I call to you,
And I say this,
"Help save the world,
it was too good to miss."

(I like this stanza and don't really want to touch it but it needs to be reworded. )

Can we restore it's luster?
The answer is yes.
Just a few simple things,
Can make it it's best.

(
Can we restore
What it had before?
With simple things; yes
We can make it its best


And yes, I feel very bad. Not only did I just tear that up, I switched the order of the alternating rhyme.)

Mistakes and whatever I didn't agree with aside, I love this. I wish more people would write about the earth and how we've destroyed it. Keep up the poetry! I'd like to see more!


10/10

June

The truth is, is that,

Our planet is dying.

The frozen tundras,

Now puddles of death.