Moonsong

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Glistening black meadow rolled out past the range of any creature’s sight, stretching far and wide across what would have been a forest had it not been for the deer, elk, and bison that grazed the wild grasses that grew. In the darkness, golden flashes of lightning lit up the plains before they were absorbed in a strange hazy glow that revealed the two distinct shapes slinking quietly in a zigzag pattern, undersides almost touching the ground so the grass stood taller than them. A growling roll of thunder split the silence and another fiery bolt of light illuminated one beast’s form.
A handsome grayish tan wolf was the one seen, but with a distinctly feline aspect to its sharp golden-brown amber eyes, sleek tail, and long legs, bent under its frame as though they were the limbs of a table under the weight of a steel safe. Added to that figure was the hint of a wolf, an angled muzzle, two longer fangs coming from either edge of its mouth, and ribs showing through a smooth coat of fur. Together, it made up the frame of a creature that could only be researched in myths; a werewolf. And another one crawled, drifting over the earth, toward it.
This one was the color of the evening, a rich black with hints of gold, like stars in a velvet sky. Long thin paws brandished claws like knives, sharp as the other wolf’s; with much the same features as the other except for the pale blue eyes and broken chain on its leg. Pressing slightly on the other werewolf’s side as if to reassure it was still there, the black wolf snarled lowly, another growl building in its throat. ‘Viktor?’
‘Shade,’ the werewolf replied, the hint of a smile in his rough voice as he addressed the black wolf. Loping forward, Viktor grinned as he heard Shade trotting along behind him, muttering to himself silently. ‘Sorry, Shade?’ Viktor growled, cocking an ear. ‘Can’t hear you.’
‘Nothing.’ the black wolf answered innocently enough as he moved away from Viktor, eyes far off in a different world. The gray wolf switched his gaze so it was like Shade’s, and in the space of a few seconds the two werewolves were gone and replaced by two younger boys, each with russet skin. One wore a plain white shirt and shredded blue jeans, the other a long sleeved black shirt and shorts.
The one in white, Viktor, immediately started in a direction that would eventually take him to the edge of the meadow. Shade raced behind him to catch up, falling into a quick pace at his side. Viktor scowled at Shade, who grinned at him. ‘What’s up, Vicky?’
‘What? I told you not to call me that.’
‘Yeah, so?’
‘So you should listen to your superiors.’
‘And why would I do that?’
‘Remember when you got that chain on your leg?’
‘Mhmm.’
‘Well, if you’d had enough sense to listen to me, it might not have happened!’
‘It’s a nice accessory.’
‘You make everything way more complicated than it needs to be.’
Shade sneered at him. ‘So what are you going to do about it?’
Viktor frowned. ‘Tell you to shut up and keep walking.’
‘Works for me,’ came Shade’s cheery reply.
Moonsong: Six wolves. One destiny.
When Viktor and Shade, werewolves, discover that there are only four other of their species remaining in the world, they set out to find them and fufill the last prophecy-eradicate human life from the planet.




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1. the beginning... the descriptions get pretty elaborate... not nescessarliy a bad thing, except here its hard to follow and picture and stuff... glistening black meadows rolling across planes farther than a creatures eye can see... what does that mean exactly... some are pretty good, some could be toned down...
2. "a hansem wolf" ahh, so your one of those types ay... whatever floats your boat...
3. im not sure if this is gonna be funny, serious, or a little combination of both... maybe a little more serious than funny... who knows.. you probably do... but i like the way this thing is rolling... for the most part
purple bunnies hop at midnight




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Gender Male
Points 1990
Reviews 254
Glistening black meadow rolled out past the range of any creature’s sight, stretching far and wide across what would have been a forest had it not been for the deer, elk, and bison that grazed the wild grasses that grew. In the darkness, golden flashes of lightning lit up the plains before they were absorbed in a strange hazy glow that revealed the two distinct shapes slinking quietly in a zigzag pattern, undersides almost touching the ground so the grass stood taller than them. A growling roll of thunder split the silence and another fiery bolt of light illuminated one beast’s form.

I actually liked this beginning. Good descriptions, but the problem is that the sentences are too long. You'll want to try and break them up some.

A growling roll of thunder split the silence and another fiery bolt of light illuminated one beast’s form.
A handsome grayish tan wolf was the one seen, but with a distinctly feline aspect to its...

My problem with this is that it just doesn't sound as good as it could be. The way I'd present this would be to say, "A growling roll of thunder split the silence while a fiery bolt of light illuminated the two beasts.
The first, was a handsome, grayish tan wolf, but with..."
I'd just try to avoid situations where you say things like "A handsome grayish tan wolf was the one seen." I just don't like that part.

Okay, overall your story was good description wise, but lacked in a few other areas. You painted a vivid picture in my mind as you wrote, but one of your main problems is that you go into run on sentences quite frequently. You need to break them up so it doesn't tire the reader.
Also, there was very little action or anything in this bit that would have hooked me. the beginning to your story needs more action or something to grip me. All that happened was these two boys walked in a field and then talked about stuff that held no meaning to me. For those of us that can't be hooked solely by the concept of werewolves, you need to try and introduce a hooking plot or give us some action.

Well, that's about everything I've got to say. I'm sure you'll be able to introduce these aspects pretty easily considering what I've seen of your descriptions. If you make a second draft, PM me and I'll be glad to check the changes.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.



Goos are anarchists.
— WeepingWisteria