I'll Fly Away

So I love to read poetry, especially Edgar Cherry and so I tried to start writing poetry again.

I'm Moony on YWS too and so some of you may have read some of my earlier poems such as:


My Brother Has A Gun

Mathew Please Don't Leave

Will You Be There For Me Darling

& The Dancing Stars


...all have sucked...
But, in my opinion I've improved on my poetry writing so please read and enjoy!

~*~

I'll Fly Away


I want to soar the skies like an eagle,
spread my wings into the freedom of the wind.

I want to be free,
free from all of the violence and hatred.

They make fun of me because I want to fly.

They just don't realize how their words kill me,
cutting into my soul like a thousand knives,
it burns.

All I can do is act as if everything is fine,
flash a few smiles and hope no one see's the tears.

I want to soar the skies like an eagle,
spread my wings into the freedom of the wind.

If I fly,
words wouldn't kill me anymore,
death wouldn't sound so sweet.

Freedom will be among me soon,
I can feel it in the air.

I'll fly away,
at noon.

Hey there! Nice work...

On to the review!

The first line it sounds a bit... well... boring. Don't take me wrong, it transmit the feeling, but to a normal person, that reads one of your poems would read the first stanza and think: "Argh, this is so like those old poems they try to make me read at school!" i know, because I've got some of those people on my class... Anyway, moving on.

You repeated the first stanza. I'm not gonna say it sounds awful, it's okay but it's a bit risky to do that on poetry.

The last stanza seemed a bit forced. like the "noon" to rhyme with "soon".

My favorite part was:

They just don't realize how their words kill me,
cutting into my soul like a thousand knives,
it burns.

I usually don't do this kind of detailed review, because i don't like to review on other people work if I think i can't make better.
Oh well, keep writing!

Wow, I loved this piece! Your poem hit home in my life and kind of defined what I have been going through lately. Sometimes I feel so lost. I feel like everyone is always so happy around me, having a reason to live. I still suffer from the pain of my youth and the heart ache of not being raised by my parents. I walk around smiling, when deep inside, in my heart I feel so overwhelmed with anger and sadness. When I wake up in the morning sometimes I ask myself, why am I still here? I wish I could fly like an Eagle and lose myself in the wind to be free. Life is hard for all of us, and I know that we all go through things in our lives that make us want to give up. But I have to continue to strive to live and be free. Your poem was amazing. It spoke to my heart and gave me a little bit of hope. I felt that this poem was speaking to me and that you as the writer connected with the reader in a spontaneous way. I really enjoyed this piece. I haven't check out your other writings, but this piece was especially good. The only thing that I noticed was a missing word that you forgot to include in one of your sentences, which is so common for all of us writers. Our mind races so fast, that our fingers can barely keep up with the pen as the words flow freely from our passion.

In the beginning, when you being to write I want, you left out the "to," like I said which is common for all of us writers. That's the only error that I saw. Other then that you did an incredible job! Keep writing, you have a gift that speaks to the world!

*writewatiwant*: that's my favorite line too, and my true feelings in how people in school make me feel. I thought that one line described everything in my life


XavierJohnson123: you have no idea at how good that made me feel about my poem. Telling me that I had a gift that speaks to the world really made my good day, get even better. Wow... I think I'm going to start crying! XD

Hahah, first off I have to say this poem reminds me of that song., you know? "Fly like an eagle! I'll spread my wings and...fly like an eagle!" Or... something.

*cough* anyway!

I like the metaphor of flying away from your pain, sadly this is something used to often. We relate flying to some kind of freedom, escape. Even though it is cliché, I think you can save it... perhaps? See, I don't know what you're flying towards and how is flying going to save you from anything? I could say that flying is being used as a metaphor for death, but I have no proof of this so I'm probably wrong. I think if you talked more about how flying is going to save you, and conversely, how all the insults are a result of "being on the ground" it would strength your metaphor into something uniquely yours.

I think if you fixed this up it would solve a lot of the weakness in the poem. It will allow you to make the ideas more concrete and relatable for the reader. If you have any questions just ask!

Suzanne wrote:See, I don't know what you're flying towards and how is flying going to save you from anything?

Well said!

It's an interesting poem, with a lot of imagery. It almost tells the story of the hardships faced by the person within the poem, showing the readers a little more of the story than what's in the poem. Freedom is an interesting thing, and flying is always good.

One of my problems with this poem is I don't really like how you formatted the stanzas. I'm not sure if you were trying to mimic the poet you mentioned or not, but I don't really think that the poetry flows with the current format. It's a bit choppy and it makes it hard to read. Your lines go: 2, 2, 1, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 2. Your poem might flow a bit better if you combined a few stanzas.

Comments in Bold.

I'll Fly Away


I want to soar the skies like an eagle,
spread my wings into the freedom of the wind.

I want to be free[s],
free[/s] from all of the violence and hatred.
This stanza could be added to the stanza above and it would work as they are both talking of the same concept. Plus, there was a bit of a repetition there and, while it is used for emphasis, I think it would also work without the second free. Plus, freedom is a big part of this poem, so we aren't likely to forget about it.

They make fun of me because I want to fly.
You could add this one line to the stanza below and I actually think that would work out rather well. Plus, what it says would fit in with what the second stanza says.

They just don't realize how their words kill me,
cutting into my soul like a thousand knives;
it burns.
I do love this stanza, though I think a semicolon would work better for the punctuation. Also if you do add that one line to this stanza.

All I can do is act as if everything is fine,
flash a few smiles and hope no one see[s]'[/s]s the tears.
You don't need the apostrophe for 'sees.'

I want to soar the skies like an eagle,
spread my wings into the freedom of the wind.
Following the format that I set, this stanza would be added to the earlier. These two don't quite match up as much as the others, though. I think that you could probably add a few more lines to the first stanza, telling more about how she deals with the pain. Plus, down to the next stanza. Although, now that I think of it again, those two stanzas might just work together.

If I fly,
words wouldn't kill me anymore,
death wouldn't sound so sweet.
*Freedom will be among me soon.

I can feel it in the air.
*I'll fly away* at noon.
Now here's where we can change it up. To give you a better idea of what I was talking about, I just moved the lines around, marking the places where I got rid of the formatting you had before. So, the ending would be two lines, though I think that you could probably add something about people's reactions. I mean, she's flying away at noon, which would mean that everyone who was mean to her would see this. I think that would be something good to contemplate.

Overall, a very interesting poem. It does remind me of the old hymn with the same title, I'll Fly Away, and it's not just the title. Freedom is a great thing and so is flying away from your enemies. I can just imagine this character finally standing up to the people who tease her and then just flying away right in their faces. It would be like the last laugh before she gets away from freedom, I can fly and you can't. So, yeah, great imagery! And, truthfully, you don't have to follow my formatting suggestions, I just like neat and ordered poems.

Good luck with your poetry and Merry Christmas!!

Hiya. ^^ Alright I can see the point of the poem very clearly but it's almost like you forced it out. I think it's a bit blane. You have a couple very good lines, but overall I think you need to give your poem a little more color.
When you refer to being taunted for your dream of flight, it's almost seems like an
unnecessary line. I understand that you probably want that to fit into the poem, but you didn't build enough onto it. I'm not saying you need to make it longer but think of choosing stronger words. Have more depth to how you arrange them. So it's like using a double blade...Hit two birds with one stone. I'm sure with more pratice you'll get there. ^^ Overall nice job.

Okay, I kinda liked it, but there are some problems...

I find you should dense up the lines. Even if you wrote to induce a feeling of airiness, I kinda felt lost.

They just don't realize how their words kill me,

cutting into my soul like a thousand knives,

it burns.

I really liked that part, it was longer than the others, and had nice comparisons.

If I fly,

words wouldn't kill me anymore,

death wouldn't sound so sweet.

You should concider:

If I fly,

words [b]wont kill me anymore,

death wont sound so sweet. [/b]

Freedom will be among me soon,

That doesn't make sence, because there arent more than one of you
maby you should try something like "freedom will be with be soon..."

~sheepy

One of my problems with this poem is I don't really like how you formatted the stanzas. I'm not sure if you were trying to mimic the poet you mentioned or not, but I don't really think that the poetry flows with the current format. It's a bit choppy and it makes it hard to read. Your lines go: 2, 2, 1, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 2. Your poem might flow a bit better if you combined a few stanzas.

Exactly what I was going to say.

Your imagery was great, but there's something up with the flow of this poem. I think combining stanzas is a great idea.

I want to soar the skies like an eagle,

spread my wings into the freedom of the wind.



I want to be free,

free from all of the violence and hatred.

This could all be the one stanza. The flow'd be better and I'd just enjoy it more. Nice imagery though.

They make fun of me because I want to fly.

I know exactly what you mean. Exactly But there's something in this poem, it's not right. It's almost like about a dreamish sort of feeling, you flying etc eagles, imagery, but there's realism in it too. It's different.

They just don't realize how their words kill me,

cutting into my soul like a thousand knives,

it burns.

I really like this imagery.

All I can do is act as if everything is fine,

flash a few smiles and hope no one see's the tears.

I like that but sees has no apostrophe.

I want to soar the skies like an eagle,

spread my wings into the freedom of the wind.



If I fly,

words wouldn't kill me anymore,

death wouldn't sound so sweet.



Freedom will be among me soon,

I can feel it in the air.



I'll fly away,

at noon.

Why does this line rhyme but the others don't?

Overall: I liked this. There were a few issues with it but I did like it. You had good imagery. You should definitely continue writing poems because I'm sure one day you're going to be incredible. xD
xoxo