Shadows of Eternity - Chap. 1

Yes, KJ has done it again. Despite all the other stories I have begun and showed to you and promised to continue, I've written something new. Slap my hand once and forgive me, please.

Now, I know that vampyre stories are getting pretty old. And I'll probably get a lot of crap for writing this one. But as usually happens with my stories, it just kind of... happened...

So I apologize again, and I hope you enjoy the read.

Chapter One

The first step I took into Lugosi was one of determination and anger. Being the new kid always sucks, but I should have been used to it, having been on the move for five years.
However, I shouldn’t have been there. I didn’t belong there. I mean, sure, I was one of them. But I wasn’t one of them. I didn’t pretend that I was normal, and my diet was what the Ancients had always encouraged it to be.
Oh, I knew all about the Ancients. I wasn’t an idiot. There were Lugosis all over the world, and this one wasn’t the first I’d been in. These schools were nothing but jokes; pathetic excuses. The humans were scared, so of course they had to have some kind of assurance that we wouldn’t suck every single one of them dry.
I hadn’t made any promises.
But some of us had. That’s what the Lugosis were all about: Security. Hey, we’ll all stick together in one place so you humans always know where we are, and we promise that the only blood we’ll touch is the stuff you send us from the hospital.
Even as a newborn, I’d hated the donations. It never tasted quite as alluring as fresh, warm, gushing blood from a human vein. And I’d never been one of the mindless followers who didn’t ask questions. From the very beginning I spoke up, demanding explanations for our self-inflicted confinement—none of the answers I got were ever good enough.
My body began showing the Signs when I was thirteen. Everyone knew about vampyres, and everyone knew what happened when you started to turn into one, so I knew, too, of course. My canines sharpened whenever I got near rare meat of any kind. I could no longer get hurt. And of course, the sunlight bothered me. So much that even Mom, who had a habit of leaving the bar with strange men and was gone most of the night and day, noticed.
I tried to hide it, wearing dark, baggy clothes to make my suddenly-thin stature less obvious. I tried to stay away from humans and blood itself. I skipped school, and started hanging out in alleys and abandoned parks, because usually those were the only places I could go and not be bothered. All of the friends I’d had didn’t ask questions, and sort of faded into the background; humans can always sense when something’s not right.
Everything was going fine; I was managing without human blood and living almost like I always had… until Mom decided I scared her too much. She’d always been a whiney bitch like that. On a night like any other, I came home to our dark apartment, and they were waiting for me. They jammed some sort of needle into me, and I didn’t have a chance as I passed out on the floor. I remember Mom standing by with a bottle of liquor in her hand, staring down at me with no emotion in her eyes.
Tied up like some psycho asylum escapist, they tossed me into the back of a long, seek limousine. Then I was brought to my first Lugosi.
Okay, it wasn’t that bad. And I probably wouldn’t have run away if I hadn’t met Josiah.
Josiah. My first boyfriend. My first anything in that Lugosi. The first to approach me, the first to smile at me. He was also the first person that spoke to me of rebellion and escape. He’d heard my questions, and understood my uncertainty.
It was easy, too easy, to leave with him. Josiah had tapped into his powers early, and they had no idea as we slipped past the guards unseen, no comprehension as we jumped over the wall and back into the real world.
The legends were wrong, most of the time. We didn’t have pale skin because it was part of the vampyre makeup. Most of us just got pale because we avoided the sun like the plague—it couldn’t kill us, and we could go out on the beach and get tan like the humans, but it hurt like hell. Though our vampyre blood makes us stronger, it’s ultra-sensitive to light.
Josiah and I lived together, in the sun, for a year. We moved constantly, always running from one state to the next, never really resting. Never really taking a moment to breathe. We fed from humans, and those times were what kept me going—before the first time, I might have experienced some unease. Now? Yeah, right.
The first time, Josiah had to practically make me. He held the writhing human down and screamed at me to finish it. I was trembling, and it felt like ages as I knelt down beside that man. With wide eyes, he muttered something in Spanish. Probably a prayer or something. Josiah kept shouting at me, and I couldn’t take that. I bent down and bit the human, right in the tender place on his neck. After that first taste… nothing mattered anymore. There was only the need, the want, the hunt.
Josiah had been right: Human blood was worth damnation. The Elders at the Lugosi had told us we didn’t have souls anyway, so who cared?
I should have expected he would leave me. Josiah was older, and his restlessness became more evident as time passed. Yet I didn’t say anything. Why would I? I was a freaked out little fourteen-year-old with basically no one in the world with an overwhelming desire for human blood.
The fear didn’t last long. On the morning I woke up to find Josiah, the money, and the car gone, something inside me changed. I stopped living, and began existing.
After three days in a city somewhere in Arizona, I decided to move again. But without Josiah to cover our tracks, I was pretty much screwed.
They found me in an abandoned factory in some desert. I wasn’t that coherent, I guess, and before I knew it I was in my second Lugosi.
I stayed there for a few months, until I turned fifteen and, like Josiah, found that I’d inherited my powers early. It was extremely rare for an undeveloped vampyre to have their abilities so soon, thus the reason our rooms and classes didn’t have the security the older vamypres’ did.
So I left. Again.
On my own, I learned how to hide, to disappear. The next couple years were nothing but running, feeding, and surviving. Despite my caution, I was caught and placed in three more Lugosis, and the other students gawked at me, as I was one of the “Wild Ones”. There were only a few of us left, who still lived among the humans and drank human blood. All vampyres were learning from Birth that Lugosis were the only way of life, and if they didn’t willing go in after showing the Signs, they were forced in.
No one knows what brings along the Signs. It is genes? Random chance? Some higher power’s hand on it? There is no medical conclusion or proof that leads to the answer, and I’ve caught the humans eyeing one another, as if they’re worried their companion will burst into a snarling, fanged monster.
None of us are fanged unless we smell or see exposed blood, and we could blend in with humans quite well… if it weren’t for the Trackers. They always know, no matter how well you hide or mix in with the humans. They’re the Lugosi’s main tool in bringing in newborn vampires, or even ones just showing the Signs. Josiah told me at one time, many years ago, that Trackers hadn’t existed, and vampires had been free to roam and feed however they pleased.
At least until our kind had begun multiplying two decades ago and the first Lugosi was built. That’s when Trackers, shape-shifters, demons, werewolves, sorcerers, witches, and the Gifted started showing up on the map. And the Lugosis filled up with all the unwanted, unexplained creatures in this world.
My hate of the schools stemmed mostly from what Josiah had taught me. They were really nice, actually. The cafeteria was more of a five-star restaurant, and the grounds were kept by only the best gardeners. The dorms and entertainment rooms always had the latest electronics, and the lights were always soft and dim, so it didn’t hurt. The only obvious clue to what Lugosi really was were the sentry-like vampyres standing by the walls, and the watchful eyes of our teachers.
Josiah hated them simply because his father was one of the human architects that helped in designing it. And after the first Lugosi was built, his father enrolled his son in the school and never looked back. At least my mom called me once, but she was drunk and the Elders made the decision for me to turn away from her calls, if they ever occurred again. They were big on “staying sober” and all that. Blood was put on the list along with alcohol. Weird, huh?
I never saw Josiah again, even after years of being on the run. I suspected that he’d flown to Europe, as he’d always talked about doing. And while part of me missed him, he seemed like a distant shadow part of a distant life.
But oddly, I thought of him as I was jerked out of the limousine and forced into this newest Lugosi. I tried to avoid thought of him entirely, but as the big, black gates slid open without a sound, he popped into my mind. Here again, J, I said to him with a mixture of amusement and weariness. You’d probably make fun of me for getting caught again. Or be angry.
A thin, stern-looking female vampyre was standing there waiting for me, standing in the middle of the drive. Forgetting Josiah for the moment, I watched her face as she appraised me. Clearly, she didn’t like what she saw, because a perfectly-arched brow lowered. What? I was just wearing my old jeans, a t-shirt that used to be white, my favorite brown jacket, and the combat boots I found in a junkyard somewhere in Portland. But when I compared my outfit to her long, serious black gown and tight bun, I kind of understood where she was coming from.
“Welcome to Lugosi, Lindsey Cole,” she said, her expression making it obvious she didn’t exactly mean her words. She knew my name by association—I’d become pretty well-known throughout the Lugosis, because of my extravagant escapes. I didn’t know her, but she seemed familiar, somehow…
Studying the place around me, I lost interest in her. This particular school was like any other one I’d ever been to. The same darkness, the same statues and lawns and courtyards. I stared up at the soft lights coming from the dorm windows two floors up. Where was I again? Connecticut? Minnesota? I could never remember…
I would be out in a couple days, anyway, so it didn’t really matter.
The gates shut behind me, and both the limousine and my escort left. I listened to the sound of the engine fade as it drove off into the night.
“Follow me, and I’ll lead you to your rooms,” the female said, and turned her elegant back. “Classes are in session, as you probably know, so your roommates are preoccupied.”
Keeping my face a bland mask, I obeyed, my wild hair hanging in my face as I studied the gardens. When I’d taken a few steps, two vampyres moved out of the shadows to flank me. I’d smelled them there as soon as the gates opened, so I didn’t bat an eyelash.
“I think you’ll find our newest addition to the walls interesting, Miss Cole,” the female said crisply. Behind me the two thickly-muscles sentries, as I called them, sped up to keep up with the two of us, and the sound of their footsteps on the pavement was loud in my ears.
“Additions?” I repeated, frowning. This was different.
“Yes.” The tall female waved her pale hand to the wall, and I glanced that way. Then I did a double take.
What was that glowing, green line hovering a few feet above it?
“Feodor paid us a visit,” she explained, and if I didn’t know any better I would think there was a trace of smugness in her smooth voice.
But I didn’t care when I processed her words an instant later. Feodor. The Russian. Ah, shit. A master of the Arts and the Elements, Feodor was the most well-known vampyre since Lucifer. And he just dropped by to assist this Lugosi with strengthening their wall, no doubt. Stupid old man. That little green line would present a problem for me…
“I’ve made sure that your rooms are nearby mine,” the female continued. We were walking beneath the archway that leads into the main courtyard. There are seven total in each Lugosi—six surrounding the main, and hallways between each leading to the stairs, classrooms, cafeteria, entertainment rooms, and dorms. “I hope you’ll be comfortable in the place we’ve prepared for you. Doubtless it isn’t any different from your past experiences in our schools. Here is your schedule, please do not lose it.”
Would this hag ever shut up?
She turned and handed me a piece of paper. As I took it, I didn’t reply to the female that I already pretty much already hated, and glanced sharply to my right as a shadow stepped into the moonlight. Instinctively, I crouched. The sentries at my back tensed.
“Hi, Irta,” a young girl-vampyre said softly. She was tiny, her hair a blonde, perky bob. She was wearing the typical Lugosi uniform, and, seeing this, I relaxed. Just a student. I shoved the schedule in my pocket.
The girl looked at me once, and I felt the curiosity in her gaze before she turned back to Bitch-in-Black.
Irta nodded. “Mandy. Your timing is impeccable. This is your new roommate, Lindsey Cole. Lindsey, this is Mandy Hill. She’s a third year, as well, and she’ll be your mentor here at Lugosi.”
Other than the brief glance I’d given her, I didn’t look at Mandy again. “Greetings,” I said in the customary vampyre salutation, but didn’t bother pressing my fist to my chest, because I’d always thought that it was just stupid. God, this was so annoying. I had to get out soon, or I would go insane. I wanted to smell the woods again, hunt, be as wild and free as the animals I killed when I came across…
“Greetings,” Mandy returned, sounding shy.
I nodded absently, not bothering to hide the fact that I was inspecting the roofs. There wouldn’t be any Arts above the dorms, would there? Maybe I could get up there and jump…
“Mandy, would you show Lindsey to your room? Now that you’re here, I need to return to my post in the counselor’s office.”
“Of course, Irta,” Mandy replied, perfect as you please. Ugh. She was one of the mindless.
“Excellent,” Bitch-in-Black—or Irta, I guess the others called her—said. “Lindsey, I expect you to act in the behavior we here have deemed appropriate at Lugosi. I will always be near.”
Translation: I’ll be watching.
I enjoyed a challenge. It just made the victory so much sweeter when I baffled them all. Underestimation was a gross error on Lugosi’s part, and I would use it to my advantage yet again.
With one sharp gesture to the two vampyres behind me, Irta vanished into the shadows through one of the archways. Almost immediately after she was gone the crickets and frogs started up again. I had noticed their absence as soon as I’d stepped through the gates—it was a big giveaway of someone’s nature when animals were frightened and soundless around them. So clearly Irta wasn’t one of those white-as-snow souls. And I didn’t exactly mean that literally, considering we had no souls.
For a moment there was silence in the courtyard. I studied my surroundings carefully, searching for weaknesses and opportunities, while Mandy shifted feet nervously and cleared her throat.
“Lunch is in a few minutes, so we’d better hurry and put your things away,” she finally said.
My face was passive as I looked at her. “What things?”
Mandy blushed as she noted my empty hands and realized that I had nothing. I didn’t like to travel with anything—belongings left scents that anyone could follow, not to mention the hassle of running with all that baggage.
“W-well, do you still want to see our room?” She bit her small lip and her fear of me was evident on her expressive face.
It’s stupid to show your fear, I thought disdainfully. Then I checked myself. I shouldn’t care about what Mandy did. I shouldn’t even have thoughts about any of this. Cold, knowing, and uncaring. That was what I had survived by for all these years.
“How does the gate open?” I suddenly asked, ignoring her question. Now that I thought about it, I’d never bothered to find out in the other Lugosis—the wall had always been my focus. Could I just walk out of this place? “Electronic, right?”
Mandy frowned, and her smooth brow furrowed. “The gate? I don’t know… I guess.”
Rolling my eyes, I turned my back to her. Another sniff in the air and I knew class was over. Then the sound of close chatter reached my ears. “Go talk to your friends,” I tossed over my shoulder as I walked away. “I can find the dorm on my own, later.”
“B-but—”
“See you around,” I muttered, and vanished into the night, just as young vampyres came into the courtyard. Instead of going to check out the gate, as I was intending, I stopped and stood beneath the shadow of a statue, watching them.
They all wore uniforms, and the moonlight made all the blond heads shine. The bright eyes needed no help from the moon to glow, and it looked like carnival lights, all the blues and green and browns passing me by in quick blurs. Vampyre eyes.
Ignoring all the talk and commotion, Mandy stood there, standing and staring at the spot I had just vacated. She kept chewing her lip, and I knew that if she didn’t stop soon I was going to get seriously annoyed.
“Hey, what are you doing?” a willowy brunette asked as she walked up. I noticed that she had made a few adjustments to her grey uniform—instead of loafers, she wore long, sleek black boots. And her long sleeves had been folded up to the elbows, where some kind of glittery red material was sewn around the edges. She was, as most vampyres were, pretty much gorgeous.
“Lindsey Cole was just here,” Mandy answered, putting her back to me to talk to the brunette. “You know Irta made her our new roommate, since Elsie…”
I couldn’t see Mandy’s face anymore, but the brunette’s face darkened, and I assumed my new mentor’s face matched hers. “About time,” the brunette said after a moment, shaking her wavy hair back. I caught a male glancing at her as he walked past, and she gave him an impish smile. “She was supposed to show up yesterday.”
Mandy glanced around, pulling on the brunette’s elbow to draw her aside. They drew nearer to my hiding spot, and I hoped that my disguise stayed in place—if either of them looked closely enough, they would be able to see the faint outline of my body, shimmering and slight but still there. Hey, the Element of Mist can only do so much.
“I heard that she gave the escorts some trouble,” Mandy informed the other girl, lowering her voice. I smiled, hearing that. The escorts had been pretty ticked when I broke that one guy’s leg and knocked another one against that factory machine, cutting his head open good. It wasn’t my fault he’d lost balance.
“I guess all we’ve heard about her is true,” Mandy added. “And she wasn’t that warm when she talked to me.”
“Was she mean?” The brunette instantly looked pissed and ready to hunt me down to give me a good ass-kicking. As if she could do either.
“No, no. Not really. At least, I don’t think she was trying to be. She asked me about the gate.”
“The gate?” Her friend frowned.
“Yeah, how it works and stuff, I think. She kind of just disappeared when I couldn’t tell her anything.”
“Probably trying to find a way out,” Mandy’s friend said, smirking. “Well, hopefully she does.”
“Yolanda!” Mandy hissed, eyes darting around. None of the other kids were paying them any attention, and I wondered what kind of girls these two were. Right off the bat they struck me as those clique-y snobs, but if that was true, why were they alone?
What did I care?
“What? All the teachers hate her because of the reputation she’s given the Lugoisis. Not to mention the fact that she’s wanted in seven states because of her blood-sucking tendencies.”
“Will you keep your voice down?” Mandy muttered, looking uncomfortable. “We’re not supposed to talk about her.”
Yolanda sighed, slinging a slender arm around her. “You’re such a little pessimist. Come on, we’d better get to Drama. You know how Howe gets when someone is late.”
There was the quiet sound of a bell—muted probably so the humans near the school wouldn’t be woken up by it—and the students started to scatter.
Making myself visible again, I sat down on the side of the fountain, trailing my hand through the chilly water. Last I’d checked I was only wanted in five states. Sheesh. And I knew that people in Lugosis were mad, but I didn’t know they hated me. Huh. Well, guess the feeling mutual, anyway.
“Better get to class,” some boy muttered to me as he hurried by, not even looking at me. “Roller’s on the prowl.”
Whatever that meant.

I skipped school, and started hanging out in alleys and abandoned parks,

I understand why a vampire would hang in an alley, but why would she choose to chill in a sunny park if she hated the sun? This isn't that big of a deal, but I noticed it and it was kind of nagging me.

they tossed me into the back of a long, seek limousine.

You mean "sleek" not "seek".

Josiah. My first boyfriend.

I'm pretty sure you need a semicolon instead of a period after "Josiah".

As I took it, I didn’t reply to the female that I already pretty much already hated, and glanced sharply to my right as a shadow stepped into the moonlight. Instinctively, I crouched. The sentries at my back tensed.

Earlier she smelled the two man-vampires while they were hiding and later could even smell when class got out, so shouldn't she have known this girl was coming? With the two guys she didn't even "bat an eyelash" as you said, so isn't her reaction a little extreme for her?

Other than those few things, I thought this was pretty good. The vampire thing has been done many times before, but they're usually far worse than this, so I have no complaints. I like your style, and you convey the character's personalities quite well. Overall, It was a good read in my opinion.

There's a couple more things I want to say, though. First, I found a good amount of typos so you may want to run through it a few more times to get rid of them, and second, I don't think you need to refer to every vampire she sees as a vampire. What I mean is, that's the title you give them when they walk in, calling them a girl vampire, a guy vampire, and whatnot. I'd personally just refer to them normally (like a boy, a girl, a woman, a man, etc). Since they're in the vampire school it's kind of a given what they are. This is, however, mostly my opinion, and it probably varies from person to person. You should probably get at least one more opinion on it before deciding for sure.

Well, that's everything. I liked it, so keep it up.

Miked:

Thanks for the pointers. You've been really helpful; I never would have caught all of that

Also, to your last comment, about me calling them all male/female vampyres? In the next chapters, I reveal that vampyres aren't the only creatures that live in Lugosi. I actually hint at it in the beginning:

At least until our kind had begun multiplying two decades ago and the first Lugosi was built. That’s when Trackers, shape-shifters, demons, werewolves, sorcerers, witches, and the Gifted started showing up on the map. And the Lugosis filled up with all the unwanted, unexplained creatures in this world.

Just thought I should point it out.

Again, thanks for reading.

KJ

Edit after reading the review below - warning, very strong opinions attached: "Sorry if I sound harsh"? I don't think harsh is - no pun intended - harsh enough. That was a really unnecessarily angry review, man, and I got some things to say about it.

A) Fiction is all about using the imagination. If an author imagines a school for vampires and writes about it, then by all means - let her have her school for vampires! It's called fiction. Dr. Who, for example - his tardis is bigger on the inside than the outside and can travel through time by pulling a lever. What would Dr. Who be like today if someone had said the idea was 'absolutely ludicrous'?

B) Excuse me for stating the obvious, but some people don't know what vampires ARE. These little snippets of information, however un-necessary for YWS's apparent vampire highbrows, are crucial to separating an amateur's scribble from an apprentice's flourish. The fact that she's considered her audience from all angles - including the newbies - shows that she understands that we don't all come from our mothers' wombs engrained with the fact that vampires have photosensitive blood.

I feel that this review was taken from a highly personal POV, and that a lot of what was said might cause a more fragile author to get unnecessarily emotional about simply USING THEIR IMAGINATION. If all the improbable stories of this world were scoffed down in this way, many, many wonderful books would never have been written.

("Pff - what's this? A school for wizards? What an absolutely ludicrous idea; stop wasting my time!" he snorted. The girl - Joanne Kathleen Rowling - opened her mouth to say something, but was dismissed by the bored wave of his gloved hand. She flinched under his disproving gaze, and disappeared sorrowfully into the cold, leaving the unfinished manuscript behind.)

You're expecting me to say "sorry if I sound harsh"? No. I'm not sorry, because I'm ruddy well meaning to sound harsh. I get very, very touchy when people start insulting other's opinions and ideas. You can disagree, and you can voice your disagreement - but insulting a made-up story is low. Just as this story irritates some, the fact that they are irritated because a piece of fiction contradicts their views irritates me.

Fiction, for as long as I've lived, has never been logical. We are not in the year 3000, nor, the year 1762; faeries... OK, they do exist, but they don't show themselves to us, and dolphins cannot talk. Water from the tap (on Earth) flows downwards only, world peace will never happen, and I have yet to find a bookcase which effortlessly swings open to reveal a secret passage... without all the books falling off.

Get real, guys. Please. Get real.


~ * ~

Aw dang, someone got here first. Ah well - I'll read it and then edit this post when I'm done if there's anything important I have to say.

Edit: Ouch - gory. Very, very gory. Poor Spanish guy... but there isn't really very much else I can say that hasn't already been said or critiqued. I really like this main character - her feelings, although the story is fantastical and she happens to be a vampire - are very easy to relate to; you understand why she is what she is.

At the end, when she says that she hadn't realised that the other vampires hated her, you got a slight undercurrent of unhappiness/neglect from the way you phrased it. Is that what you wanted to achieve, or was she supposed to be indifferent to it? If so, maybe you could put a little stronger language in there - not swear words I mean, but more powerful words. I'm not sure how I can edit it to show you what I mean, so I won't try.

Finally - I love the way you give the characters 'pet' names! It gives such a serious story a little light-hearted kick in the bum. 'Bitch-in-black' - love it.

That's me done: I think I'll save some of your stories for tommorow. *laughs* I don't want to exhaust everything in one night, after all. Goodnight, and thank you for putting up with my excrutiatingly random behaviour. I just ate a whole big pack of sugar (M&Ms), and I haven't eaten a lot of junk food in one sitting for... a long while, now. My. Head. Hurts.

Well, whatever. Bye~!

Hello there KJ. What's up?

The first step I took into Lugosi was one of determination and anger. Being the new kid always sucks, but I should have been used to it, having been on the move for five years.

Yea being the new kid sucks, but is it really the cause of the narrator's determination and anger? I think there is more to it than just that.

There were Lugosis all over the world, and this one wasn’t the first I’d been in. These schools were nothing but jokes; pathetic excuses.

Expand this out more.

The humans were scared, so of course they had to have some kind of assurance that we wouldn’t suck every single one of them dry.

I find the phase "the humans were scared" a bit far-fetched. Firstly, does this accurately represent every single human's feelings towards the vampires, or is it just one sweeping statement? Secondly, I'm pretty sure the humans would establish some strict measures to prevent the vampires from preying on the humans. Assurance isn't enough, as there is still that possibility of happening.

Everything was going fine; I was managing without human blood and living almost like I always had… until Mom decided I scared her too much.

Show more of the interaction between the narrator and her mother.

She’d always been a whiney bitch like that.

Whiny how? (whiney should be spelt whiny).

We fed from humans, and those times were what kept me going—before the first time, I might have experienced some unease. Now? Yeah, right.

OK, this is just highly unrealistic. You do know that this is effectively murder right? In our society today, those that commit murder are trialed and prosecuted severely. Yet, it doesn't seem as though people in your society seem to give a rat's tail about it. Normally, one would be afraid to do such a crime due to the consequences that they will have to face.

But OK, lets say that vampires have no souls then. If they have no souls, then wouldn't the humans be comfortable eradicating the vampires from society to prevent this from happening (or at least have some sort of prejudice against them? I just think there should be more conflict here. No one gets Scott free for committing murder. They will either be prosecuted to the full extent of the law or face internal conflict for what they've done.

Though our vampyre blood makes us stronger, it’s ultra-sensitive to light.

Why state the obvious?

Overall impressions:

Your piece lacks tension on the whole. You do not take into account of the human's fear of the unknown (in that case, the vampires). From what I've read of this piece, I think humans and vampires get along a bit well. I would had accepted it if vampires were just one of the nationalities in your society, but sadly, they are not. Vampires are supernatural creatures which are distinguished by their ability to cross the lines between themes or ideas (life/death, human/animal, good/evil etc). As they are able to do that, this will create confusion for us as humans, making them unsure as to what to believe in. Hence, this leads to our greatest fear: The fear of the unknown.

It is natural for humans to act on that fear and take action to protect themselves. There should be more tighter control of the vampires in response to their fear in the piece, but I don't see much of that reflected in the narrator's voice. At the very least, there should be some prejudice against the vampires, but where is it?

Your narrator is bland in my opinion. This is because her voice lacks insight. Throughout the piece, she only re-tells to us of various aspects of a vampire (which we already know), simply states what she observes and makes generalisations without justification or reasoning. I don't mind if the tone of the narrator's voice is reminiscent of that of a typical teenage girl, but if she doesn't back up what she says, then I don't see as to why I should bother to know more about her.

The ideas in this are also ludicrous. A school for vampires? You would rather use a vampire ( a being that is able to cross the lines of various themes or ideas) to tell of life in an educational institution? What a waste of one of the vampire's most distinguishing features. In case you don't know, you could had also achieved that with just a typical teen. Why would you need a vampire to express an aspect of teen life?

Although this is well written technically, the writing itself is bland since it doesn't take into full consideration as to what a vampire is. I think you have a lot of potential, but you need to think more deeply about your work.

Good luck, and I hoped this helped. Sorry if I may have seem a bit harsh, but this piece really annoyed me for the reasons stated above.

Andy.

Josiah had been right: human blood was worth damnation

Just because there's a colon, doesn't mean the following word should be capitalised. You do this again with 'security'.

I was a freaked out little fourteen-year-old with basically no one in the world [s]with[/s] an overwhelming desire for human blood.

replace the second 'with' and put 'and' instead.

and if they didn’t willing go in after showing the Signs, they were forced in.

willingly - I'd also replace the second 'in' with 'to'.

No one knows what brings along the Signs. It is genes?

I think you mean: 'Is it genes?'

and I’ve caught the humans eyeing one another, as if they’re worried their companion will burst into a snarling, fanged monster.

some humans, not 'the humans' - can't have seen absolutely everybody doing it now, can she?

A thin, stern-looking female vampyre was standing there waiting for me, [s]standing[/s] in the middle of the drive.

standing is repeated.

As I took it, I didn’t reply to the female that I already [s]pretty much already[/s] hated

pretty much doesn't cut it for me, not with such a strong emotion and you repeated 'already'

Well, guess the feeling mutual, anyway.

was

**

Okay, so on the whole, this was well written. I don't think I got all the little things so you should probably go over it one more time. I didn't find Lindsay to be bland either, nor did I want any particular insights from her, I enjoyed her sarcasm and her attitude.

On the re-read, I found the retelling of her history to be a bit of a drag, though, so you might want to give some thought on interspersing it with some action in the present or even showing it later, in dialogue. Interesting as the reflection is, it's pretty much just you telling us stuff that we need to know and more, interesting reflection is still reflection and that gets boring real quick.

Obviously, with vampires, there's no such things as "new ground". I'm sure you're familiar with 'True Blood' the series that has similar themes in this one and no doubt, Twilight as well - although I can't speak of any possible similarities there as I would rather shoot myself then read Twilight. It's still pretty intriguing though - obviously, I'm hoping this becomes more then a Harry Potter style story for vampires; I hope there's an actual plot in place but I found the characterisation to be good, the dialogue to be mostly solid and the protagonist to be convincing. The prose leaves something to be desired, I think, so you might want to work a bit more on that.

Also, Andy, as a lover of vampire mythology myself, I know where you're coming from. But to be honest, the type of vampire you referred to and those themes you mentioned, have all been done and done. I mean done. At least this has the potential to go somewhere else.

Good luck with it, and keep an eye on those typos!

Cheers

Hey! Believe it or not I just wrote out heaps of stuff and then accidentally hit "back" and had it all disappear on me. Very annoying, but never fear, I shall persevere and write it all out again.

You said in the beginning that you are aware that vampyres have been done, and your asked for forgiveness for it. So I'm not going to discuss that. I don't read all that much vampyre stuff anyway, so I wouldn't really know. But you can just write for fun and not worry to much about. Nothing wrong with that.

But for me there's a big problem with your story. Squall's already mentioned it. The idea of murder. The thing is, this girl is a mass murderer wanted in seven states. And she's completely out of the control of the authorities. But they don't put her to trial, or make her ... conveniently disappear.

I mean, the schools. Humans don't want vampyres running around killing people. However, since these vampyres seem quite reasonable and largely willing to control themselves, perhaps a mass cull isn't the right solution. It wouldn't look good in the papers, and it would probably make people uncomfortable. Also these vampryes were once (and technically still are) sons, daughters, brother, sisters ... etc. But you could round them up early, before they'd done anything bad, and put them in prison/institutions under the guise of schools. Most of them seem willing to co-exist in a non-mass-murdering manner ... but at the same time ... the idea of them roaming free amongst the general populace is an uncomfortable one. Yes?

(or no? I am a little fuzzy on the schools things. They did seem like a school-prison hybrid to me, like the humans were definitely a bit edgy about vampires and trying to keep them under their thumb ... but I may have got it all wrong. Anyway ...)

But then one breaks free and goes on an indiscriminate killing spree. She is caught several times, but the authorities are unable to contain her and she invariably escapes. Let's face it people, she's a blood-sucking murdered with no soul. What would you do it you caught her? I can't see people letting her get back to the normal life of a teen vampyre. And if they did, I'd expect public outrage.

So that's a problem for me.

My next point is that the whole beginning is basically an info dump. We meet this young vampyre and she immediately launches into her life story. I mean, sure, it's not a boring life story. But ... we only just met the girl. It's like sitting on a bus next to an old man/woman who insists on telling you all about his/her seven grandkids and how things were in his/her day. You don't have to force all that about vampyres and her life on us as soon as the story starts. You want us to understand it all, but we don't have to yet. Savour it all a bit more. Explain things as you go. This also fits in with something Squall mentioned about tension. It's ok if the audience doesn't know everything straight away, and in fact it can keep people interested. Play hard to get, don't give it all away on the first date.

The ideas in this are also ludicrous. A school for vampires? You would rather use a vampire ( a being that is able to cross the lines of various themes or ideas) to tell of life in an educational institution? What a waste of one of the vampire's most distinguishing features. In case you don't know, you could had also achieved that with just a typical teen. Why would you need a vampire to express an aspect of teen life?

Ok so. Is this going to be your story? Because I think Squall made a big assumption with this here. I mean, who says your only/main theme is going to be life in an educational institution? It's only been the first chapter. Personally I think you're set up for other themes too. The human soul, the nature of murder, exclusion, addiction, the old One Person Against an Institution/Government (tick as applicable). I don't know what your plans are as regard to these ideas, but I think it's unfair at this point to take you to task for the Teen Vampyre thing. So I'm not going to take you to task about it. I recommend you give it some thought though, if you haven't already.

That's my opinion anyway.

Overall I think you did a good job. I enjoyed it. Good luck with any continuations and/or edits! If you have questions or anything about something I've said, feel free to ask.

Also, to your last comment, about me calling them all male/female vampyres? In the next chapters, I reveal that vampyres aren't the only creatures that live in Lugosi. I actually hint at it in the beginning

Ah, okay. I see that now.

Also, everyone, I know she's a murdering blood sucker, but I can't help but feel that this will be an interesting story from her perspective. I may not like what she does, but I do like her personality and the way the story runs. It's just a little fresh for me to hear the story from such a different perspective.

Just thought I'd throw in my two cents.

Hey, Kels! I’m sorry I’m like super late on getting to this, and no I haven’t started on the chapters yo printed out yet but I will after I finish correcting these two

The first step I took into Lugosi was one of determination and anger.

I’m not sure I like this starting sentence. When I first read it, it was fine. But after I read it a second time, it stuck out to me. Maybe reword.

I mean, sure, I was one of them. But I wasn’t one of them.

Huh? This is worded super funny. I know what you mean, but this just made my head hurt trying to figure it out. Reword.

So much that even Mom, who had a habit of leaving the bar with strange men and was gone most of the night and day, noticed.

This addition is a good one, giving us a glimpse of her past. However, I think you need to add more thought to this. What did your MC think about her mother’s behavior? Did she hate her mom for it? And did her mom still care about her after she was turned into a vampyre? These thoughts will help you flesh out your character.

I tried to hide it, wearing dark, baggy clothes to make my suddenly-thin stature less obvious.

Why would she get stick thin? Explain.

All of the friends I’d had didn’t ask questions, and sort of faded into the background; humans can always sense when something’s not right.

Does she miss her old friends? Give us some emotion here.

She’d always been a whiney bitch like that.

I guess ignore my previous comment, because this answers my questions about the mom

We fed from humans, and those times were what kept me going—before the first time, I might have experienced some unease. Now? Yeah, right.

I’m not sure what you mean here. I’m guessing her feeling remorse for feeding off of humans, but then again, I’m not sure. Be clearer here.

I stayed there for a few months, until I turned fifteen and, like Josiah, found that I’d inherited my powers early.

You keep mentioning these powers, but I’m not entirely sure what they entail. You have to tell the reader this otherwise these questions will pop up.

The next couple years were nothing but running, feeding, and surviving.

Should read “next couple of years”

And the Lugosis filled up with all the unwanted, unexplained creatures in this world.

Oh, so there are other creatures in these schools beside vampyres? Sweet, I like that addition. Gives the story an edge

They were big on “staying sober” and all that.

What does alcohol do to them? I’m guessing it does the same as it does to humans, but I would expand on that thought anyway.

Blood was put on the list along with alcohol. Weird, huh?

Yes, weird. How are they supposed to survive without blood? Explain.

And while part of me missed him, he seemed like a distant shadow part of a distant life.

This is oddly worded. Maybe try: And while part of me still missed his famaliar face, he now only seemed like a distant shadow of a life I had dreamed up.

“Follow me, and I’ll lead you to your rooms,” the female said, and turned her elegant back.

I think you mean only “room” instead of “rooms” right?

Behind me the two thickly-muscles sentries, as I called them, sped up to keep up with the two of us, and the sound of their footsteps on the pavement was loud in my ears.

This sentence is kind of funny, with all the “ups” and stuff. Maybe try: Behind me, the two thickly-muscled sentries, as I formally called them, sped up to keep step with us, the sound of their footsteps hitting the pavement ringing loudly in my ears.

As I took it, I didn’t reply to the female that I already pretty much already hated, and glanced sharply to my right as a shadow stepped into the moonlight.

I don’t like how you described the female here. Instead maybe do something like: …to the female that I had already decided to hate… or something like that.

She was one of the mindless.

What do you mean by this statement? Go a little deeper into your MC’s thoughts here and explain to the reader what she means.

It just made the victory so much sweeter when I baffled them all.

I don’t like the use of baffled here. I would use something else, like maybe “tricked” or “deceived”

Underestimation was a gross error on Lugosi’s part, and I would use it to my advantage yet again.

Instead of addressing the school as a whole here, maybe just say that it was a gross error on Irta’s part, since she’s the one that’s watching her…? I don’t know, just a suggestion

And I didn’t exactly mean that literally, considering we had no souls.

No need to say this because you told us earlier in the piece that they had no souls, so the reader can only guess that the MC doesn’t mean it literally.

Hey, the Element of Mist can only do so much.

When did she perform this spell? I feel like I missed something important…

The escorts had been pretty ticked when I broke that one guy’s leg and knocked another one against that factory machine, cutting his head open good.

Cut open his head good? Just good? Use something else besides good. I know you have the vast vocabulary list occupying your head (and also the awesome one on your comp hehe) Use them!

Well, guess the feeling mutual, anyway.

“Feeling’s” instead of “feeling” here

~ ~ ~ ~

Okay, kels, I think you have a good start, but to be honest with you, I think you could do a whole lot better. Where’s that amazing description you have? Or that amazing characterization you can do? I don’t mean any of this harshly, but I know that if you read through this, you’ll see what I mean.

I also feel like you are missing a huge chunk of what intro’s do: Hook the Reader. In the beginning, I felt that you didn’t do that, and that’s something you’ll need to work on.

But, other than that, as all your work is, it was a good read. I just know that with a little tweaking, it will become another one of your masterpieces!

Good Luck!

wow, great, I can't wait to start reading the other chapters.
Better than Twilight if you ask me.

KJ! How are you? ^^ I got mixed up. I'm reviewing this, not the other stuff. Sorry! But I can do others too if you want...

Anyways.

Nitpicks!

The first step I took into Lugosi was one of determination and anger.

Good hook. Strange name for a school though...

Being the new kid always sucks, but I should have been used to it, having been on the move for five years.

Perhaps you could have gone into it a bit more. Like, why does it suck to be the new kid?? Some people may never have moved to different schools and have no idea what's so bad about it. Maybe hint at it, like: always getting lost... Never able to make good friends... being ignored by everyone else...
Stuff like that. ^^

The humans were scared

O.o This is quite bland.

Josiah. My first boyfriend. My first anything in that Lugosi. The first to approach me, the first to smile at me. He was also the first person that spoke to me of rebellion and escape.

This is very good. ^^ Love it. :]

I stopped living, and began existing.

This is confusing. Isn't it the other way around? If you've intended it to be like this, could you please explain it a little more?

turn away from her calls, if they ever occurred again.

Comma not needed. However, if you intended it to be a separate, dramatic part, then turn it into a short sentence.

he seemed like a distant shadow part of a distant life.

I'd find another word for the second "distant". As the <intentional?> repetition is a little annoying. O.o

Here again, J, I said to him with a mixture of amusement and weariness. You’d probably make fun of me for getting caught again. Or be angry.

I like this a lot. It sort of hints at J's personality, without actually telling. ^^ Love it.

the female said, and turned her elegant back.

Huh? Could you possibly rephrase this? Or add "on me" at the end. And is elegant the right word to describe her back? O.o

before she turned back to Bitch-in-Black.

Ha ha. Good nick-name. :]

“You know Irta made her our new roommate, since Elsie…”

Oooh. Do explain about Elsie soon! I'm quite curious.

It wasn’t my fault he’d lost his balance.

I aded "his" to help with the flow...

Last I’d checked I was only wanted in five states. Sheesh.

I just found this funny. :]

Characters:
Okay. I like the voice of the MC you have here. Tough. Streetwise. All of that. Mostly because sarcasm is my fave form of humour. ^^ I like how you showed her need to escape by her concentrating on the gates when she was talking to the other girl. And I may have already mentioned how I liked when you showed a little bit of J through his possible reaction to the news she was once again caught.
The Bitch-in-Black is going to be troublesome for later, huh? You've done well. I already dislike that character.

Mystery:
Tell me about Elsie! I'm intrigued. What happened...? And who is Rollo? Oh, the mystery! I'm tempted to just skip this review and chase down every chapter of this.
You've got unintended mystery surrounding the "powers" you mentioned in this piece. What sort of powers? What can J and Lindsey do? How did it help them escape? Wha...?

Overall:
Overall, you can count on me checking out more of this. Although the reviews may take time... O.o due to work, not much computer time, my damn cold and other stuff that will pop up, demanding my attention. Grr.
Anyway, back to your work here. I'm undecided about the sort of info dump you've got in the middle of this. Surely you could add in some of the stuff later? It slows the chapter down, reducing the grip it could have on the reader.
Oh, and Gabe.net - if you take away the fact that they're vampires, how is it related to Twilight? ...I'm slightly fed up of everyone bringing up Twilight everywhere...
But on a happier note, expect to see me on the next chapter sometime soon.

Keep on writing, KJ

~Emma