Ghost - Chapter one.. or two..

I think this suits PG but I might be wrong.. Anyway,

This is after my prologue or chapter one. I didn't want to post that because it is a bit long, but I hope this is understandable.

What am I looking for?

I think lately I have been info dumping a lot, or not very descriptive. I also know I lack in grammar and punctuation which I hope others can help me out on. But what I want mainly is your opinion on how I am going!


If you want to know what the storyline is which I am following than please, click here.

Anyway, I will let you get to it. Hope you enjoy!



The night had only just begun. Setharos had already settled down in his room and he could hear the cheers below. The King had met with Jegoth earlier that day after his battle to free Setharos of his duty. How much he had bought Setharos for he did not know. All he could remember was seeing Jegoth lift a shiny gold coin out of a small pouch with the King’s insignia inscribed on the side. Since then he had been introduced to his new commander who would lead him through his training and several other men almost twice his age who were leaving with him to undergo the same course. This side of the King Setharos never saw possible. Though he had never met him, ever since he was a child he always saw the King as a cruel man who used his power for the wrong reasons. He was proven wrong. Zeresis was a kind man, nice, and had that look Setharos rarely saw on anyone else. When his long but short brown hair was pulled back it revealed a face perfect compared to Hericulan’s. He was well shaven and had only one scar. It was below his ear and well concealed by his hair. Though that was not all to the look, whenever Setharos’s eyes met with his eyes, which were hazel, he felt as if he could put his life in his hands without worrying.

The door knocked, catching Setharos by surprise.

“The King wishes to see you downstairs, the soldiers also wish to meet you,” demanded a hoarse voice. Setharos had lost track of the time, his mind had wondered off. The room was so big compared to what Setharos was used to. His bed was a queen size covered in silk along with a bathroom and balcony which overlooked a small pond. Zeresis had clothes tailored for him to wear for the up and coming days as all Setharos owned was shabby linen clothes which he had outgrown before he could remember. Carefully stripping down trying to avoid the scratches and bruises, Setharos dressed himself up in a new set of clothes which were much more comfortable than his old clothes. He wore a short sleeved dark grey shirt and long black pants which actually went past the knees for him. Another knock came at the door, this time there was no reply. When he opened the door the noise came at him full blast, had it been this noisy all along? People were singing, music was playing and arguments were never ending. Arriving down stairs the singing stopped a cheer replaced it directed at Setharos. They were all drunk but that did not bother Setharos, something else had crept into his mind. Setharos made his way to a seat next to the king but his eyes did not move of what he was staring at, someone on the other side of the room.

“Sire, who is that girl over there?” asked Setharos, pointing at a girl around the same age as him.

“Please, call me Zeresis.” Zeresis looked at the girl and studied her. “I do not know. Do you want me to have someone ask?”

“No it is fine, I can do that myself.” Setharos continued to stare. She returned his gaze with a half smile, or at least he thought she did. He had seen her somewhere before but he could not remember.

“If a man cannot talk to a girl, what hope does it have at killing a man?” laughed Zeresis

“I have never spoken to a girl I liked before. I would not know what to say,” replied Setharos.

“Give a man a blood-thirsty opponent and a sharpened sword and he will not just stand there saying he does not know what to do. He will fight his opponent even if he does not know how to wield his sword. You must go face your opponent, your words are your sword, use them wisely.” Zeresis nudged Setharos forcing him to stand up.

“Go!” was what he last said. Setharos did not want to make a fool of himself, though he knew he had to if he ever wanted a woman by his side. This might be his only chance. Everything was going good for him today, was there room for one more? Weaving his way through the drunken soldiers he stopped in front of a table. At the table the girl sat next to what looked to be her father and mother. His lips twitched but no words came out. Then Zeresis’s words rang through his head, he could not let fear stop him now.

“Excuse me, do you mind if I sit with your daughter?” asked Setharos, as polite as he could.

“Very well, but make it quick. We do not want slaves speaking with our daughter,” replied the Father.
“I am -"

“Dad! Please, this is not necessary, yes Setharos you may sit next to me,” replied the girl. Setharos was glad she had now cut him off, he had not wished to argue with her parents but it had been avoided. She knew his name to, how?

“How did you know my name?” asked Setharos. Her eyes were as enticing as the King’s. Her brunette hair covered the left side of her face to shield herself from her parents.

“After today I do not think there is anyone that doesn’t know of your name. People have already started to sing the song of Setharos, the one who defeated another who wore the scales of an Avaddon. Also, please excuse my parents.”

Okay dokay, after reading all about this story, tis only fitting I read it, No?

The night had only just begun. Setharos had already settled down in his room and he could hear the cheers below. The King had met with Jegoth earlier that day after his battle to free Setharos of his duty. How much he had bought Setharos for he did not know. All he could remember was seeing Jegoth lift a shiny gold coin out of a small pouch with the King’s insignia inscribed on the side.

Okay, this start, while not too bad, isn't highly attention grabbing either. So far you are listing what has already happened. While this may be vital information, there is nothing to really stimulate the imagination of the reader.

What I would suggest is making this information tie into the now. For instance-
The night had only just began. Setharos stretched out on his bed, trying to ignore the commotion from the rooms below. He glanced around the lavishly decorated room, noting the balcony overlooking the pond outside, and examining the quality of the silk sheets under his fingertips. His mouth crept into a smile as he thought about the events of the day, even though his muscles burnt with complaint. The king, having watched his fight, had bought him outright. Setharous frowned slightly, wondering how much he was worth, all he remembered was the purse carried the King's insignia.

Or some such. I was merely trying to show you what I meant, by no means is this a great example ><;

several other men almost twice his age who were leaving with him to undergo the same course.

How old is this guy? In most 'fantasy type' settings, as well as our own history, you would be sent to training at a young age. Look at the knights, for example. You trained as a page from childhood.
Even these days most people begin training in their late teens early twenties.

This side of the King Setharos never saw possible.

Huh? This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Replace "saw" with "thought". And it's not until after this you actually discribe the king at all, so it doesn't quite fit. This sentence implies we already have seen the side that he had never thought possible.
I would suggest rearranging it-
"Setharos had seen a side of the King he never thought existed."
This gives you the opportunity to then explain yourself afterward.

Zeresis was a kind man, nice, and had that look Setharos rarely saw on anyone else.

Give us evidence on why Zeresis is nice. Why has Seth (shortening for convenience) changed his mind so quickly?

whenever Setharos’s eyes met with his eyes, which were hazel,

The 'which were hazel' looks like an afterthought, which is never good when telling a story. It's as if you are recounting a story which you cannot quite remember and throw in details willy-nilly.
I would rearrange to fit in the description more neatly-
Whenever Setharos met the King's hazel eyes...

His bed was a queen size

'queen size' is a modern term. To stick with the time era, describe it in other terms- 'big enough for two people to sleep comfortably.'

Another knock came at the door, this time there was no reply.

What? Do you mean that Seth didn't reply? Because that's what your saying. A rather strange thing to say, considering this is from Seth's point of view.

Okay, I just realised something. I have no idea where seth is. An inn? The king's apartments? The apartments at the gladiator grounds? The soldier's barracks?
Also, I cannot visualise this. What did it look like? Large? Cosy? Dim? Bright? A mass of moving shapes, or were people mainly staying in one place? What did it smell of? Spilt beer? Sweat? Cooking? The sounds? Was the air muggy, or was there a cold breeze from an open door? All these little details can really bring a scene to life.

Seth notices a girl. Why? Describe her. Was it her stunning beauty? Her laugh, the way she held her body? A stunning smile, a moment of eye contact?

She knew his name to, how?

“How did you know my name?” asked Setharos.

The first line is redundant. It is obvious he is confused by his question.

Overall, this is pretty decent. As you admitted yourself, you need to work on your descriptions. What does seth look like? I hope he is described in the earlier part.
The plot seems fairly sound so far, but then there is not much to go off here. I would suggest exploring new ways of arranging sentences and descriptions for variety and to hold the reader's attention. No one wants to feel like they are reading a list.
But nice work, keep going, and make sure you post the first bit at some point, so I can read that too

-Nutty

Hey AlexMc,
I've gone through the story and find a few sentences that I think awkward,

How much he had bought Setharos for he did not know

I think you need to reconsider the 'he' here because you used it to refer to the king and Setharos at the same time. It can get rather confusing.

This side of the King Setharos never saw possible

Nutty have covered this one. All I wanted to say that this sentence placing did not feel right. It will better if you placed it after Setharos perception of the King abusing his power and then proven to be wrong.

...it revealed a face perfect compared to Hericulan’s

I don't know about this one...something is missing or needed change. Maybe it was 'perfect face' instead of 'face perfect'?

Arriving down stairs the singing stopped a cheer replaced it directed at Setharos

You forgot a comma(or a period?) or perhaps adding ...the singing stopped and then a cheer...

As to the details in the story...from reader point of view, I don't like too much details because sometimes over description tend to slow down the story. I'm more curious in finding about who Setharos had defeated rather than finding out about his scars and bruises. But some details are important to the story just so it won't seem too empty . Just like Nutty said, the locations, some descriptions about the beautiful lady may be added. I don't know how much details and description needed without jeopardizing the story pace. Maybe others can shed some light onto this matter.

Anyway, that's my two cents of the day and hope it helps.

Regards,
Ethan

Thank you Chey, and Ethan for your comments. Much appreciated.

Nutty, I will try and clear some things up with you to begin with. I do have to say your beginning sounds more interesting than mine so I think I have some work to do.

Seth notices a girl. Why? Describe her. Was it her stunning beauty? Her laugh, the way she held her body? A stunning smile, a moment of eye contact?

Ahh I was trying to make her a mystery until a few lines down the track. Guess it didn't go so good.

Okay, this start, while not too bad, isn't highly attention grabbing either. So far you are listing what has already happened. While this may be vital information, there is nothing to really stimulate the imagination of the reader.

Well I wasn't sure if this would be chapter one or two and didn't really think of how to make it that attention grabbing =/


Now to Ethan:

I'm more curious in finding about who Setharos had defeated rather than finding out about his scars and bruises.

In the section before this, it explains most of what is happening. But it is about 4 pages as to why I do not wish to post it as it might be rather long.

It was really good.

Quote
"Very well but make it quick."
End Quote


I think you would be better off if you said,

"Very well, but be quick"

It make the reading a little more intense, because the father apparently is almost a little over protective of his daughter.
but you don't have to go by me. i was just making a suggestion.



I will have a new story posted in a few days. it will be called, Glass eyes and Ghosts under fantasy fiction.
If you would please read and give me feedback!