A Simple Mistake (Prologue) [edited]

Edit: This is NOT a one shot. There is more coming.

Isn’t it ironic, how old habits die hard? Isn’t it just oh-so humorous? When I was six years old I dropped a glass plate on the kitchen floor and watched it shatter, and then simultaneously burst into tears. It had been an accident, of course. An unintentional case of severe butter fingers, but my mind wouldn’t let me believe it.

Why did you do that?

Now it’s broken and it’s all your fault.

You’re so stupid!
My mother stared at me, blinking repeatedly. “What the hell is wrong with you? You dropped a plate; it’s not a big deal.” She said, rolling her eyes and picking up the pieces of glass.

I sniffled a few times and dried my tears. Nothing was ever said about the broken plate again, but I always remembered that moment.

Thirteen years later and I still take that mentality with me. Today was no different.

I stared at the locker in shock, not the shock that came with some exciting event that had taken place. No, this was shock at my own stupidity. The key to my locker was inside of my locker. Along with my money, my house key, and my bus pass. All things I was going to probably going to need after I got off work.

I sighed heavily and trudged my way to my boss’s office. “Ray, if I accidentally locked my key to my locker inside of my locker, who would I speak to about that?” I asked with a cheeky grin.

All humor on the outside, that was me, but inside I was mentally destroying myself.

How could you be so freaking stupid, Vanessa Kay?

What the hell is wrong with you?

You’re disgusting.

The problem was that it was a simple mistake. A little blunder that thousands of people had made before me and thousands would make after me. It was easy; unlock locker with key, set key inside of locker, forget, close door, lock locker. I ridiculed myself mercilessly for it.

My boss glanced up from his computer. “Take to Jean, I think he handles all the keys.”

“Thanks.” I smiled again, a fake cheesy smile that everyone around me knew me by.

‘Oh that Vanessa is so happy all the time, look at that smile.’

I talked to Jean, and the problem was fixed immediately. I should have let it drop right then, but I didn’t. I continued the self torment all day, torturing my own mind with harsh bitter insults.

Over a simple mistake.

Wow, short and sweet. I have a couple things to point out, but overall it's pretty good.

When I was six years old I dropped a glass plate on the kitchen floor and watched it shatter, and then simultaneously burst into tears.

This seems a bit awkward to me because of the two and's: I would just replace the first 'and' with a comma, so it's ...kitchen floor, watched it shatter,....

My mother stared at me, blinking repeatedly. “What the hell is wrong with you? You dropped a plate; it’s not a big deal.”

At first, when I read 'what the hell is wrong with you?' I thought it was her mother who was telling her that she was worthless for dropping a plate. Perhaps you could reword that so it's clear that her mother is only confused at the girl's behavior.

All humor on the outside, that was me, but inside I was mentally destroying myself.

I like this a lot. I like how you take her childhood trauma and shows how it follows her into adulthood.

“Tale to Jean,

Just a typo. You meant talk, right?

Over a simple mistake.

I also really like the way you wrapped this up. It reads like she's torturing herself for torturing herself.
Overall, I enjoyed it. It was a little too short for a plot to develop, but I got a really good sense of your character. Also, I'm not sure why it's in the Romantic fiction section, unless you continue it and something develops . I hope you do continue it, because this was an excellent introduction to Vanessa.
Hope this helped.

I enjoyed this to. Shows the things she is dealing with in life and how such small things can affect a person. It could have been spread out more though, I find it was a bit rushed. Though one thing gets at me, how is this a romance?

it seems like a pretty good start to something.
im not totally sure where you may be going with this but id love to see the rest.
theres only a couple of things i would fix :

the spacing between paragraphs is kind of awkward. you have like on or two sentences then huge spaces.

the dialogue is always supposed to be on their own line, but the way you have em seems to work out.

i think you may have to much internal dialougue at once with the way the character is chastising themself. and it also seems a little awkward that they would randomly start yelling at themselves like that. let us know why they have that mentallity.

overall its a pretty good piece and id love to see where you take it

Hello Oye! I have to say I really like this. It's a great way to begin something, but I do hope as this processes we see a little less internal dialogue, because it sort of takes away from the writing. As you most likely already know, show, don't tell your reader.

13 years later and I still take that mentality with me.

Spell out 13. Thirteen. Small numbers should be spelled out.


Other than that small nitpick nothing else really bothered me. Let me know when you post more. I'd love to read it.

-Zehra

JUST A FEW NITPICKS:

“What the hell is wrong with you? You dropped a plate; it’s not a big deal.” She said

Jut a punctuation mistake here. Should be: It's not a big deal," she said.

13 years later and I still take that mentality with me.

This is pretty sad to point out, I know, but I believe that numbers, unless it is a year or a phone number, should be spelled out.

All things I was going to probably going to need after I got off work.

Is your MC being sarcastic? Because one, he didn't seem to give me that impression earlier. Seems more serious and silent. Two, if he isn't being sarcastic, then he WILL need that stuff, right? Oh, and where is he? School? Work? Found that confusing...

“Ray, if I accidentally locked my key to my locker inside if my locker, who would I speak to about that?” I asked with a cheeky grin.

Two problems with this one. One, should be of instead of if later on in the sentence, and two, the grin. I realize that you go on to explain that your MC is pretending to the world and all that, but cheeky? Shouldn't it be 'forced'? Or 'feigned'?

“Tale to Jean, I think he handles all the keys.”

Is this a typo? Because it doesn't make sense to me.

‘Oh that Vanessa is so happy all the time, look at that smile.’

This is random, came out of nowhere, and I have no idea what it is. A song? He never mentioned a song before, and didn't explain why he was singing it now. And if it is a song, it should probably be in Italics.


OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Well, it was short, but I did find it interesting. It's creative how you made your MC's whole existence revolve around his own insecurities and guilt.

There's really nothing else, I guess. I'll probably have more to comment on if/when you write longer additions.

I thought perhaps by making HER go into her bosses office, I was making it clear that she was in fact at work.

Also, the 'oh that Vanessa is so happy all the time, look at that smile.' line would be Vanessa, the MC, mocking the people that talk about her. I guess I should make that a little more clear.

And yes, her smile was cheeky, forced smiles are obvious. She has been faking smiles for so long, that they appear to be genuine.


Thanks for the reviews guys. I appreciate it ^.^

My beautiful OE. I hate suspense. You are going to post more of this... soon... right?

Isn't it just oh-so humorous?

I don't really get that line, honestly. I hear the sarcasm, but I don't know why, or get the reference to humour, which as far as I can tell has nothing to do with, well, anything. It just seems out of place. If you have reasons I don't know about yet or understand, well...

I dropped a glass plate on the kitchen floor and watched it shatter, and [s]then [/s]simultaneously burst into tears

Simultaneously=same moment; 'then' is like 'after.'

it’s not a big dealcomma” she said

There were a lot of other spots like this. Make sure you're puncuating your dialogue correctly.

I stared at the locker in shock, but or semi-colon? not the shock that came with some exciting event that had taken place.

It needs something more substantial than a comma anyway.

I sighed heavily and trudged [s]my way [/s]to my boss’s office.

That's a little too wordy.

How could you be so freaking stupid, Vanessa Kay?
What the hell is wrong with you?
You’re disgusting.

I don't think people normally address themselves by name in their heads. I suppose they could, but it doesn't sound realistic.
Think about the way you think.
It's hard to put thoughts on paper because we don't really think in sentences, or even words usually. Maybe if you made it sound kind of vauge, a bit disjointed.
"So freaking stupid--
what's wrong with me?
Disgusting--"
Something kind of like that maybe?

The problem was [s]that[/s] comma it was a simple mistake

“Take to Jean, I think he handles all the keys.”

"Talk to Jean period I think he..."

I smiled again, a fake cheesy smile that everyone [s]around me [/s]knew me by.

Too wordy again.

‘Oh that Vanessa is so happy all the timeperiod Look at that smile.’

I continued the self torment all day, torturing my own mind with harshcomma bitter insults.

'Self-torment'


That's pretty much what I have for this one. Nitpicky things.
I'll have some related comments in the next one.
Hope I'm helpful.

[Edit]*giggles* I do address myself by my full name in my head.

[origional] I do address myself by my head in my name.

Wow you’re character sounds really disturbed, which I guess is the point? =)
I love how your opening paragraph is direct and to the point.
Your sentences are also nice and short which is something I’ve noticed in other author’s writing. It’s very effective because it eliminates any possible confusions.

Typo maybe?
“take to Jean” do you mean “talk to Jean” or “take it to Jean” ?

Really like this sentence
“It was easy; unlock locker with key, set key inside of locker, forget, close door, lock locker.”
Seems like there are two sides to her. One side (the practical one) is teaching the other one (stupid one) how to perform a simple task. This is a good way to describe her internal conflict.

One thing I don’t like though. Since this is the prologue it should really give your story a kick start. I don’t see where the story is going or what the main problems might be, especially since it is a romance. Maybe you could clarify that a little more.

I’m also iffy about the “when I was six years old…” because it sounds too much like you were verbally telling the story. It is too simple and you might lose your reader too soon.

Over all, your style and grammar is good. Your characters personality very intact, and the idea behind her actions is interesting.

Very well then. You should use the name. *nods* However you think is what you should go with.

I really enjoyed this wow i could so relate to your character and i think many can just beating ur self up sometimes for something that to others isnt such a big deal but to you it is..

It was easy; unlock locker with key, set key inside of locker, forget, close door, lock locker. I ridiculed myself mercilessly for it.

i dont know why but that line was my fav lol.. cause i could see myself doing that hmm prob cause it happend to me last week at my job hahaha.. but actually it was my new locker and i put the locker combo in the locker after i opened it closed it and stood there for like 5 min trying to remember it and had to go to my boss to ask for the combo after he had just given it to me . anyway good job.

Hey. I was looking for something to review, and this caught my attention. It's quite a nice piece of work. I enjoyed reading it, and I'll be going on to the next parts after this. I do have a few nit-picks, though. I'll get onto those now.

It had been an accident, of course.

"Had been" sounds awkward where it is. It would flow better as "It was an accident, of course."

An unintentional case of severe butter fingers,

Have you ever had an intentional case of butter fingers? Try: "A severe case of butter fingers."

I stared at the locker in shock, not the shock that came with some exciting event that had taken place. No, this was shock at my own stupidity.

This part is long and unwieldy. Try merging the two sentences.

The key to my locker was inside of my locker.

Repetition of "locker" jars.

All things I was going to probably going to need after I got off work.

I'm pretty sure you would need those things for sure. Get rid of the nasty adverb. "Probably" doesn't add anything to the sentence. In fact, it lessens the impact, as it makes it seem as if it's not such a big deal. Also, if you've seen any of my other critiques, you'll know that adverbs are a pet peeve of mine. you've done well in not including many in this peace. I noticed one or two, which is a tiny amount compared to some. Nice job.

“Ray, if I accidentally locked my key to my locker inside of my locker, who would I speak to about that?”

Repetition of "locker" again.

All humor on the outside, that was me, but inside I was mentally destroying myself.

Get rid of the adverb.

I ridiculed myself mercilessly for it.

Again, the adverb isn't needed.

“Thanks.” I smiled again, a fake cheesy smile that everyone around me knew me by.

You could cut "around me." It doesn't add anything and fixes the reptition of "me."

‘Oh that Vanessa is so happy all the time, look at that smile.’

A comma after "Oh" would imrpove your flow.

I talked to Jean, and the problem was fixed immediately.

Adverb. xD

...Okay, maybe a little more than a few. Note that these are all suggestions.

I think the most interesting part so far is the character, of course. We haven't been given much of an impression of anything else. You've already started fleshing her out in the prologue, so that's a good sign that she'll be a three dimensional character soon enough.

It was interesting. I want to see where you're going with it, so I'm off to read the next part. Nice job.

-Mat

The promised critique!

Well, I know you only wanted me to critique the second chapter, but I just wanted to touch upon this lightly before going there. Plus it's late, and this is all I have time for.

Anyways, my main problem is the first two sentences. No offense, but they stink. Awfully. Just ditch them and start with the third sentence – it makes a much better opener.

Other than that, just focus a bit more. Zoom in on what's happening. Yes, it's a simple mistake, so point out all the tiny little normality's. Let us see just how unimportant this is. Let there be a thousand other plates on the shelf exactly the same as the one she dropped. Let her boss not be put out whatsoever. Stress the fact that it's no big deal.

But more important than that, stress the fact that inside, she's freaking. Stop telling us this – we don't believe words as readily as actions. Show us! Even if she's cool as a cucumber, nobody can be forever. And maybe her smile wavers. Or her voice cracks. Or her fist falters before knocking on her boss' door. Whatever it is, show us.

Good introduction, OE. I'm intrigued.

PM me for anything, and feel free to take another spot now that I've done this one. I know you only wanted a critique on the second chapter, but I need to read these first two parts to understand, so you're still asking for a reading. I'm just super cautious 'cause I can be pulled down so easy, you know?

~JFW1415

I like how it all starts, this is really cool...
I personally love how you talk to readers, how the character seem to be talking straight to the people who are reading this, I hope you'll continue, cause I'm already liking this beginning