Down in the Valley

We'll go down to the valley
The valley of ash and stone
If I should die before my time
Will you try to save my soul?
They'll bury me down in that valley
Deep down in the sand
Oh please bury me baby
Or take me by the hand

I wish you weren't so shallow
And that you would open your pretty eyes
So that I could show you my heart
And you'd have my blood on your knives
Bury me down baby
Down in the valley
Deep down in the sand
Oh please bury me baby
Or take me by the hand

You're so beautiful today
But your Book says all the girls are sour
Don't play in their pretty gardens
And don't touch their pretty flower
They want to bury me, baby
Deep down in the sand
Oh please bury me baby
Or take me by the hand

I liked this song. I listen to a lot of pop and alternative, so I got that kinda sultry upbeat feel when I read it. The words flow nicely and I can tell you've been writing songs for a while now. There's really nothing for me to complain about but...I think these lines can be tweaked a little

You're so beautiful today
But your book says all the girls are sour
Don't play in their pretty gardens
And don't touch their pretty flower

They don't quite fit and I just think they messed up the rhythm. I don't know, maybe you wrote this song for a specific reason and these words are personal but for me they spoil the message. Otherwise, beautiful song.

Great job and keep writing,

~Angie

I think this would do better in the lyrics section. It sounds very much like it was meant to be a song. Overall, it was pretty good, unusually and not too cheesy or cliched. It would have been nice if you added more description or imagery, there's not a lot of emotion in this piece. The last verse, in my opinion, was the worst. The line about "all the books" didn't make much sense and didn't fit very well with the rest of the poem.

I'm surprised you guys thought it sounded so much like a song, it wasn't really my intent. Thanks for the critiquing! I don't write poetry much at all, and when I do it's just to get something off my chest usually.

Also, in the last part the book reference refers to the Bible. It's supposed to be capitalized, as a hint, but I forgot. The poem itself is written about an ex-girlfriend of mine who left me because of her religion. Might make the last part a little more sensible.