Twisted Youth

Such a pretty girl,
Such a shame.
Wasted in her own self-doubt,
Wasted in her own hatred.

Such a beautiful boy,
So much pain on his face,
As the knife sliced through his wrist,
Cutting down a little too deep.

Such a smart girl,
So innocent, in her own right.
But she filled out, gave up,
And gave in to a teenager's lust.

Such a sweet boy,
So high in his morals.
But he took a swig, just one swig,
And now his eyes are clouded over.

Such a tactful girl,
So kind and considerate.
She made a mistake, one too many,
And now has a baby in her belly.

Such a witty boy,
Such a bright, clever boy,
But he went with that girl, that snark girl,
And now he's trapped in her web.

His hand on my shoulder,
I stand watching the carnage,
Wondering what I would do,
If I didn't have him to lean on.

Hey there Explosive!

This poem is pretty good, but it lacks emotion. This poem talks about regret, but shows none. Length is needed to perfect this poem. Show what happens. Make me regret for the boys and girls that you talk about. You need to make your reader feel what you want them to feel.

Also, I'm not sure if I like the idea of every stanza tells a new story. Try to make it only one or two stories, to capture the readers interest. Also, you started each stanza with 'Such' why is this?


Make me feel sorry for these people who have done these horrible things. This is a semi good poem, it just needs some work.

Remember, Details Details Details!

Thanks for the good read!


*Emma*

Explosive_Pen wrote:Such a pretty girl,
Such a shame.
Wasted in her own self-doubt,
Wasted in her own hatred.

Such a beautiful boy,
So much pain on his face, so much pain is a little awkward, try agony instead
As the knife sliced through his wrist,
Cutting down a little too deep.

Such a smart girl, try shrewd instead of smart, it works better with innocent
So innocent, in her own right.
But she filled out, gave up,
And gave in to a teenager's lust.

Such a sweet boy,
So high in his morals.
But he took a swig, just one swig,
And now his eyes are clouded over. <33333 this stanza, especially the last line

Such a tactful girl,
So kind and considerate.
She made a mistake, one too many,
And now has a baby in her belly.rhythm's a little off

Such a witty boy,
Such a bright, clever boy,
But he went with that girl, that snark girl,
And now he's trapped in her web.more rhythm issues

His hand on my shoulder,
I stand watching the carnage,<3 how u used carnage
Wondering what I would do,
If I didn't have him to lean on.

Good poem, some rhythm issues (=P) but the emotion was realllllly good
<3 twinnn

Um, wow. Depressing much? Anyway, pretty good, just it seems to be a little erratic. Like, you were almost trying to create a rhyme scheme or some sort of rhythm, but got tired/bored (as you are prone to do) and called it quits.

You commented on my poem:

Show, don't tell and all that. It sounds basically like you're telling me all this on AIM, but I want to see it. I want to feel it. Make the books thump when they hit the floor. Describe his eyes when he smiles. Compare your heart to a stampede. Anything. Just all these things you tell me, you need to SHOW me.

Follow your own advice. You seem very detached in this. It's almost from the perspective of God, or someone who isn't there. Someone connecting with the characters in a book, like, oh gee, isn't it a shame the main characters all died.

In conclusion, this was very depressing, and needs some work, but I liked the idea/message/whatever. Congrats, you get a star!

I actually really liked it.

I just have a couple of problems, i think it lacks emotion. You are telling me about all this pain, now you just need to make me believe it. Make me actually feel it.

Pretty good work, there is some improvment needed to be made. But like my dad always says, "If you can't improve it, then it's perfect, and nothing is perfect."