Heart of a Leopard, Chapter 1, part 2

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
Part 2 of chapter 1. Because of the gigantic length of my chapters (about 10 pages each) I will now make a single thread per chapter and edit the title when I put a new part up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ajia looked confused for a moment before she threw her arms around Kerani’s neck. “I’ll always treasure it. And remember you every time I wear it. I promise.” She pulled away and sniffed. “I wish I had something to give you.”

Kerani shook her head. “Consider it a wedding present. Nothing is needed in return. Besides, with all of her trunks Lady Kerani won’t be able to take much else.”

Ajia plucked a jasmine blossom from the wall. “Take this then. If you press it between velum it should be preserved.”

Kerani took the flower, truly touched. “Phoenix and Lung bless, Ajia.”

Ajia nodded, tears in her eyes again. “Phoenix and Lung bless, Chahna— and Lady Kerani.” Kerani left then. If she stayed any longer she wouldn’t leave. She knew she wouldn’t. She trotted through the market back to the palace. In her room she found an unused journal in one of her trunks. She put the flower between its pages and stuffed it at the bottom to take full advantage of the weight. Then, seeing the almost set sun, she ran back to the market. It was just winding down. People were leaving more then going. She cut through an alley and made her way to a secluded clearing outside of town. Lais was waiting for her, arms crossed over his chest.

“I suppose you have a reason for being late.” He said gruffly, tapping his fingers on his bicep.

Kerani quickly took her skirt, scarf and purse off. “I was talking to Ajia. This was the last time we could.”

He sighed and uncrossed his arms. “Well, that’s reason enough, I s’pose. Are you sure you want to continue these lessons? You probably won’t need them once you get to Shenora—”

“Of course I want to continue!” She snapped. “I don’t care what they do in Shenora, in Hurime women learn how to fight!”

He charged her fast as lightning. She twisted out of his headlock attempt, brining her knee up to his gut. The breath from his body she managed to sweep his legs out from under him and jump out of reach. Looking at him she shivered, remembering how she had once used those very moves only a year ago.

Lias got to his knees and chuckled. “Well Cat, you’ve done it again. I don’t think I’ve ever trained a student that could twist as far as you.” He didn’t use her nickname often, only when he was proud.

Kerani smiled, glad he never got mad when she beat him. She figured he won often enough not to bother being a sore looser. She let him get up on his own. Last time she had helped him up he had turned her wrist and brought her to the ground by hardly using any force. He had taught her that later, and she could do it, but it was not something she wanted to repeat.

Her initial readiness test preformed they moved on to punches, kicks and holds, having to cut everything short because of the night.

Kerani put her belt purse and skirt back on, she never took off her dagger outside the palace walls, and draped the scarf over her shoulder. It was too dark to see her hair colour and she was too hot to willingly put it over her head.

“How early do I have to get up tomorrow?” She asked wearily. The moon was just cresting the mountains. It had to be around ten. She liked to be in bed by ten.

Lais chuckled. “Your mother wants to be at the Temple by dawn. You know the ride better then I do, how long is it?” Lais had only been a Shira guard for a year. He didn’t stay at the palace much; he was mostly out hunting bandits. Every evening he’d end at the clearing to teach her. He was one of the few that dared travel the mountains alone. He had once defeated a snow leopard with his bare hands.

She had to think about the time it took to get to the Temple. It had been six months since her last visit. “I think it’s an hour. Maybe more. And since the Temple is higher, dawn’ll be earlier there then here.” She groaned. “That means getting up at four in the morning!”

He shrugged. “You should be fine. And you can always sleep on the way to Shenora.”

“On the way to Shenora.” She grumbled. “Prisoners don’t sleep on the way to jail to live out a death sentence.”

“Kerani, if you think things will be horrible they will be.” He said kindly.

She stopped and put her hands on her hips. “I don’t know what else to think.” She said coldly. “Everybody says my father is wonderful. Everybody says my uncle is wonderful. Have you met them? Have you spent time with them when they’re at their best?! They don’t give me any worth! I’m nothing to them besides something to marry off! It’s not bad enough they keep me prisoner, it’s not bad enough they’ve marked me whenever I say something that they don’t agree with, it’s not bad enough they practically gag me every time a dignitary comes… These ‘wonderful’ men are sending me away.” She wiped her eyes, trying to retrieve her self-control. “What’ll stop the Prince from sending me away, then? Supposedly ‘wonderful’ men do it all the time.” Kerani’s mind filled with women who had suddenly vanished from history. The third empress had been locked up as a madwoman, her fourteen-times great grandmother had been sent on a trip and never returned, the wife of a Rajput in Teragot had taken over ruling the province when her husband had died. When her son found out, she had never been seen again.

Lais came and put an arm around her shoulders. He was the only man besides her brother she would allow to hug her so closely. “The Prince wouldn’t dare hurt you. He’d have to get through me first. And I’m sure Hasin would volunteer…”

She chuckled through her tears. “I’m so glad you’re coming with me. Although I don’t think the Prince or the Emperor would take to kindly to opposition from a Counsel member, or a guard.”

Lais shrugged, leading her down the path. “Maybe, maybe not. Either way, he’d have to get through me before he could hurt you. If he could.”

She leaned into him. “Hurt me or get through you?”

He chuckled. “Both.” By now they had reached the servant’s door. Here he let her go. “Go on, get to bed. Morning will come soon enough.”

Kerani opened the door to the noble’s wing. “Don’t I know it. And Lias? Thanks.”

He smiled. “No problem. Now scat!”

She smiled back and went to her room. The passages were empty at this time of night. She closed the passage door and looked around her room. Trunks were everywhere. Almost every single thing she owned was packed. The only things that weren’t were her warmest clothes. She wouldn’t need them in Shenora’s climate.

She put her servant’s outfit back in its hiding place. She had a dozen or so such outfits. Since they didn’t get washed as often as her other clothes she needed that many.

As she put on her nightshirt and let her mind wander. She reminded herself that Hasin would be in Shenora. She wondered how he’d changed in the four years he’d been gone. She knew he was one of the best in Counsel. The Emperor could never spare him for long enough for him to visit. Kerani didn’t let herself wonder if maybe he’d never come to visit because he couldn’t stand it here. Or even worse, he couldn’t stand her. And Sadhana. In his last letter he had hinted something had changed about her. She couldn’t wait to see what it was.

No, she could wait. She had to wait. If she let herself wonder about it too much she’d never get to sleep. Kerani shoved everything out of her mind as she crawled into bed. Sleep found her as soon as she closed her eyes.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 32885
Reviews 2058
Hey there!

I just wanted to let you know that I shortened your line break (the ~~~~ things). If you make them too long they can stretch out the front page. :D
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 35199
Reviews 878
Hi! :)


Nothing is needed in return.


Yes, this is grammatically correct, but it doesn't sound very good as said by Kerani. Or anyone at all, for that matter – people don't just speak like this anymore. Though this would better suit Ajia than Kerani, I think. Maybe you should change it to "I don't need anything in return" or something similar.


“Take this then. If you press it between velum it should be preserved.”


Put commas after "this" and "velum".


Kerani left then. If she stayed any longer she wouldn’t leave. She knew she wouldn’t.


Change it to "Then Kerani left", put a comma after "longer" and ditch the last sentence – it's just redundant.


People were leaving more then going.


More than.


“Well, that’s reason enough, I s’pose.


I think "Well, that's a reason good enough, I s'pose" would sound better. =)


“Of course I want to continue!” She snapped.

“How early do I have to get up tomorrow?” She asked wearily.

“On the way to Shenora.” She grumbled.


Uncapitalize the "she"s and replace the period after "Shenora" with a comma. Even though the "she snapped/asked/grumbled" would start a new sentence in principle, they should still be uncapitalized.


“Kerani, if you think things will be horrible they will be.” He said kindly.


Put a comma after "horrible" and uncapitalize the "he".


Have you spent time with them when they’re at their best?!


No need for the exclamation mark; the question mark is enough.


These ‘wonderful’ men are sending me away.” She wiped her eyes, trying to retrieve her self-control. “What’ll stop the Prince from sending me away, then? Supposedly ‘wonderful’ men do it all the time.”


I don't think you need the quotation marks in the last "wonderful", you can leave them away. That'll emphasize the irony in her voice.


Kerani’s mind filled with women who had suddenly vanished from history.


The women don't fill her mind, but the thoughts do, so change it to "Kerani's mind filled with images [for example] of women...". I would've suggested "memories" but I don't think she'd remember her great-great-great...grandmothers very well ;)


The only things that weren’t were her warmest clothes.


Comma after "weren't".


Since they didn’t get washed as often as her other clothes she needed that many.


Comma after "clothes".


As she put on her nightshirt and let her mind wandercomma [s]S[/s]she reminded herself that Hasin would be in Shenora.



Kerani didn’t let herself wonder if maybe he’d never come to visit because he couldn’t stand it here.


I'd change this to "whether he never came to visit".


Overall:

This was a rather good chapter! Kerani's character develops all the time and I like reading this story, it's so different. As you can see, many of the things I've corrected have something to do with punctuation, and that's quite an easy thing to improve on. So with a little more practice, you'll become very good. Good luck and keep writing!


Demeter xxx
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

Got YWS?



When one door closes, another one opens. If not, just take out your jackhammer and break through that wall.
— Toast F. Krestvwich