Chapter 1 - Dirt Track Road [title not decided]

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I'm looking for comments on the plot, pacing and general feeling of the story as you read it.

Pointing out any grammatical/spelling errors are welcome :) thanks and hope you enjoy this read.
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1 – Dirt Track Road

The breeze seemed to travel around him while he reclined on the soft, green slope beside the dirt track road. It gently lifted the edges of his black shawl which perfectly matched his dark hair. In one hand he held a flute, not a shining concert flute, but a reliable bamboo one. With his other hand he removed the black cowboy hat resting comfortably on his head and placed it on a rock beside him. The wind tickled his ear and played an impossible note on the flute. The bamboo called to him and it wasn’t long before he let his lips touch the sweet flute; then he began to play a tune of his own, trying to match that of the wind.
Then his ears picked up distant footsteps amidst the ballad of the wind and the tune of his flute. His lips slowly backed away from the flute and he wore his hat once more; tipping it down a little to cover one his eyes. Then there was silence, only the wind and footsteps conversed under the radiant sunlight. The voice of a dog and the sound of a singing girl grew gradually louder until the two caught sight of the man at which point the girl stopped singing. The girl and the dog slowed their pace as they came closer and closer towards him. Then her voice flowed towards him, like the music from his flute.
“Hey there,” her voice was sweet and sincere, “Not seen you around here before – are you a traveller?” He didn’t answer and allowed the breeze to pass them one final time; but she persisted, “I’m from the nearby village, were you on your way there?”
“Maybe.” His answer was simple and crisp but it had her racing.
“Maybe you’re a traveller, or maybe you’re heading to the nearby village,” Her eyes lit up and she leaned over while waiting patiently for an answer.
“A bit of both.” He teased, but she kept going, she wanted to know more.
“I’m Melanie, what’s your name? Even thieves and vagabonds have names.” She joked and smiled. He didn’t say anything though and simply looked up into the sky, the black hat still covering part of his face.
“If I told you my name, I wouldn’t be that mysterious travelling musician anymore now would I?” He turned his face towards her and his coal black eyes pierced into her ocean blue irises. She was completely still and said nothing.
The dog walked around the traveller and sniffed his boots. Then it sniffed his shawl and walked higher up onto the slope to do the same to his hat. Sensing no danger he jumped onto the man’s lap and licked his face. Melanie flushed but felt helpless to do anything; she just hoped it hadn’t offended the stranger. To her relief, he petted the dog before getting up. As he did so, the dog wagged its tail playfully.
He started to walk on the dirt track and the dog followed him for a while but abandoned him as soon as it realised Melanie wasn’t following then.
“If you’re heading for the village, you could rest at my house and have dinner with my family.” It was one last attempt; one last try, she thought. There was something about him, something so curious and yet so amazing that Melanie could not help but wait for his answer. She knew there was little chance the stranger would eat with her family, he wasn’t a talker and he didn’t seem interested. She imagined him walking on silently right there and then, even in her thoughts she felt the traveller would just continue along the dirt track, paying no attention to her. To her surprise, he stopped and turned around.
“Sure, why not?” She wasn’t certain whether he could see her eyes glisten like they did; Melanie wasted no time in running up to the traveller and escorting him to her village.



“Where are you from?” Melanie’s father inquired as her mother served bread and cheese to the stranger. The normally cold stone floor was surprisingly warm, but the fireplace wasn’t lit. Whites, the dog, constantly huddled up to the traveller and every so often he would try and steal a piece of meat from the plate. Melanie’s father gave up shouting at Whites once he realised the traveller was quite happy to have Whites share the meal.
“A distant land,” He cut a slice of cheese to accompany the bread while waiting for the next question.
“You must’ve come a long way, what do you think of our village?” Melanie’s mother smiled as she asked.
“It’s calm and peaceful. Earlier today I was on this slope overlooking a valley, which was when I met Melanie,” he paused for a moment before continuing, “You’re lucky to live alongside such beauty.”
“Would you be talking about Melanie or the valley?” Her father laughed, but the traveller did not reply and continued eating his food. Both men were unaware of the blushing Melanie.
“Melanie,” The mother spoke as she stood up, “Would you come with me for a moment?” She beckoned her into the next room. There was silence for the few moments that followed. The traveller tore some bread and ate it with the slice of cheese, while he did so, Melanie’s father got up.
“Excuse me for a moment; they’ve been a while now.” He walked towards the door and didn’t expect the traveller’s comment.
“Compliment your wife for me, she’s a good cook.” He bit into more of the meat as he said so. The father smiled and walked into the room next door where he could see Melanie and his wife whispering to each other.
“No… That’s not right! How can you be sure it’s him?” Melanie was nearly in tears, though she whispered, her father could feel the shock she put into her words. She had grown fond of the mysterious travelling musician from a distant land – and she didn’t know why.
“What’s the matter?” The father looked to his wife for an explanation.
“Yesterday in town they were saying a vagabond was wanted for rape, it could well be our guest.” She looked to her husband for support in the matter. He looked at his daughter then back at his wife before passing his decision.
“Right,” he peered over into the room where the traveller was sat to check if he was still there; once he’d confirmed the traveller was still seated he continued, “You go get the neighbours, I’ll keep him talking.” But as he strode back into the room all that remained was Whites the dog and the traveller’s empty plate.
The smooth stone floor, once warm, was now cold.




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Hey there Tusker.

The wind tickled his ear and played an impossible note on the flute. The bamboo called to him and it wasn’t long before he let his lips touch the sweet flute; then he began to play a tune of his own, trying to match that of the wind.


This struck me as kind of odd. I can't really recall anyone in real life that would bother to play the flute to the wind, let alone have a reason to do that. I think its exaggerated and places too much emphasis on the lifestyle of the main character.

“If I told you my name, I wouldn’t be that mysterious travelling musician anymore now would I?”


This is just too blatant, it's like you were trying to help guide the audience along with it rather than to characterize characters more.

He turned his face towards her and his coal black eyes pierced into her ocean blue irises.


This is cliche. How many times have eye descriptions been used to foreshadow Romance in literature?

There was something about him, something so curious and yet so amazing that Melanie could not help but wait for his answer.


Examples/reasons?

“You must’ve come a long way, what do you think of our village?” Melanie’s mother smiled as she asked.


Yet, we the audience haven't even seen the village yet. Why not show the scene where Mel was showing the main character around? It would make their "sudden" relationship more convincing.

Overall impressions:

I felt this was rushed badly. The pace of this was insane. It goes from them meeting together and then bam! they are having dinner together with Mel's parents? There wasn't anything between them that suggested to me that they share a chemistry. I think it went more along the lines of this:

"Oh, I think your hot, I wanna show you to my parents and then we can have dinner."

This is reinforced with the descriptions themselves. They only cater for a guy's fantasy: To meet a hot chick under soothing weather conditions and landscape. But is this the idea you want to express to your audience on what love is? I'm pretty sure it's much more complex than just physical attraction.

I think that's all I have to say about this piece. If you want some positive feedback on this piece, then I thought your plot point at the end was interesting, but since the rest was rushed, it didn't make me feel anything for the girl nor for the family.

Good luck with this.

Andy.
Last edited by Squall on Mon Dec 01, 2008 1:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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I did say it was going to be different but you've got a lot of fair points that I'll have to consider.

I'm always worried about pacing - so ill definitely look into it and add some more description and dialogue to slow it down a little.




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Hey! :)

Nit-Picks

The bamboo called to him and it wasn’t long before he let his lips touch the sweet flute; then he began to play a tune of his own, trying to match that of the wind.

I'd ditch 'then'. It sounds better and then you don't have the repetition in the next line.

His lips slowly backed away from the flute and he wore his hat once more,[s]; [/s] tipping it down a little to cover one of his eyes.

The voice of a dog and the sound of a singing girl grew gradually louder until the two caught sight of the man, at which point the girl stopped singing. The girl and the dog slowed their pace as they came closer and closer towards him.

Maybe 'they slowed their pace' to avoid repetition?

“Hey there.[s],[/s]” [s]h[/s]Her voice was sweet and sincere.[s],[/s] “Not seen you around here before – are you a traveller?” He didn’t answer and allowed the breeze to pass them one final time,[s];[/s] but she persisted, “I’m from the nearby village, were you on your way there?”

“Maybe you’re a traveller, or maybe you’re heading to the nearby village[s],[/s]?” Her eyes lit up and she leaned over while waiting patiently for an answer.

“A bit of both,[s].[/s]” [s]H[/s]he teased, but she kept going;[s],[/s] she wanted to know more.

“I’m Melanie, what’s your name? Even thieves and vagabonds have names,[s].[/s]” [s]S[/s]she joked and smiled. He didn’t say anything though and simply looked up into the sky, the black hat still covering part of his face.

He started to walk on the dirt track and the dog followed him for a while but abandoned him as soon as it realised Melanie wasn’t following [s]then[/s]them.

She knew there was little chance the stranger would eat with her family;[s],[/s] he wasn’t a talker and he didn’t seem interested. She imagined him walking on silently right there and then;[s],[/s] even in her thoughts she felt the traveller would just continue along the dirt track, paying no attention to her.

“A distant land[s],[/s].” He cut a slice of cheese to accompany the bread while waiting for the next question.

“It’s calm and peaceful. Earlier today I was on this slope overlooking a valley, which was when I met Melanie[s],[/s].” [s]h[/s]He paused for a moment before continuing.[s],[/s] “You’re lucky to live alongside such beauty.”

“Right[s],[/s].” [s]h[/s]He peered over into the room where the traveller was sat to check if he was still there; once he’d confirmed the traveller was still seated he continued, “You go get the neighbours, I’ll keep him talking.” But as he strode back into the room all that remained was Whites the dog and the traveller’s empty plate.


Overall Comments

Ooers, that's really a nice ending. :)

I'd really like it if you showed us the girl bringing him through the village. Let us get a feel for what type of world we're dealing with, let us get to know the characters more, and let their friendship grow.

Also, at the beginning, cut back on the flute a bit. It's a little overwhelming.

Other than that, it was pretty good. :)

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415



There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare