Twisting Paths: Preface and Part 1 of Chapter 1

Hey, everybody! This is my first post of a story, obviously. Finally did two reviews.

This should be a novel. I'm working on it, and I haven't even planned out the full story yet XD What I'm planning to do is have two Twisting Paths books (yes, I hope this is going to be a trilogy or series). One is narrated by Nero. One by Lexis. Those two are the main characters. And twins. I'll most likely start on the Lexis version (looked it up; boy and girl name) after I finish Nero one. You'll see why it's called Neo instead of Nero (Leo instead of Lexis, too).

Now for the book. This is completely fantasy and not located anywhere near Earth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~weeeePrefaceheeeee~~
Twisting Paths
Neo
Preface

The dust finally started to settle, the late afternoon sun reaching through to touch the dry, cracked ground. It also illuminated the outer covering of the deep trench.

On one side, horizontally, I stood up. The other side was my attacker. Who could it be? I thought the attacks had ended. Could there be another battalion that was hiding? It could be even bigger. This was probably all a trap, trying to weaken us. They’re taking the strong out first!

No. It was even worse than that, or anything else I could have come up with.

A boy at the age of fourteen with blazing red hair stood at the other side of the trench. He was leaning on a sword with a fierce maroon-red blade that seemed to flow and change. The pommel was covered by his hand, but I knew it was a gem that resembled a ruby. I knew this guy, but he was supposed to be dead…. What was even freakier was that he was wearing a badge. The enemy’s badge; I had seen the image of a bloody sword wrapped around by a snake on a piece of red velvet cloth enough. And what was it doing on him?

He was much calmer than me. That was obvious.

“Yo, what’s up? Haven’t seen you much lately.”

I couldn’t even reply. I thought he was dead, and here he is, on the enemy side, on the battlefield, making small talk!

All I could do was gawk stupidly at my long lost twin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~weeeeeeeeChapter 1: Another Birthday (Part 1)~~~~~~~~
Twisting Paths
Neo
Chapter 1: Another Birthday
Even though I hate working at the forge, it’s how we make a living. The only thing I love about it is when we actually, successfully finish up and see the new blade or the repaired whatever-it-is. Other than that, the heat, the pain of work, the sound of the hammer on anvil, and anything else on those lines is what I hate. Period. And right now I was finally finished with the blade my father, brother, and I were making.

My father dipped the blade into the bucket of water waiting in the corner. Steam swirled up from the bucket. I just happened to be standing ready near the bucket, putting away the hammer I was using. The steam hit me, clouding my vision. Once it passed, my hair was pretty wet.

“You can go now, you two. And don’t go cliff diving anymore,” my father called out to Lexis, who was already half-way out the door. “We’ll be back in time for dinner, father!” I called back over to him, envious of my twin for being the first to get out.

My family lived on a little cliff. There were two ways to get off the cliff. One was to go through the cave in the rock wall, into the twisting little paths, and out of one of the other exits that led to the outside world. It wasn’t hard to get lost in there, since there were signs and little maps at practically every other corner. Got annoying if you knew the area. Became a lifesaver to the idiots.

The other way was the way Lexis and I made. We two made the path, we might as well use it. And use it do we. A lot.

I turned off the cobblestone path that led to the cave entrance, going the opposite way. It was a good thirty yards to the cliff edge from the house and forge, made for safety. Lexis was already at the cliff edge, whistling a tune. The sun was setting straight ahead. That sure got annoying. When I finally reached him, he turned to me and grinned. I shot a grin right back. We both loved doing this, and always will.

We both took a couple of steps away from the edge. “Who wants the honors to get the stuff, Nero?”joked Lexis. It was time to decide.

We both brought both a hand, palm up, and a fist onto the palm.

“Rock! Paper! Scissors!”

I saw he had rock. I had paper.

“Paper beats rock. Now get the stuff out, or jump off the cliff and I hope you die.”

Lexis shrugged and started to pull some dead grass off. Once he carefully put them aside, Lexis swiped some dirt off to reveal a trapdoor. He yanked the ring. I held the trapdoor up, beckoning him in.

“Did I ever mention that I hate getting the stuff?”

“Just get in. Oh, and that’s why we do rock-paper-scissors. Also, that’s why I always win.”

He wordlessly got in, but I heard him mutter something about me cheating. I knew he was just playing around, and so was I. It was fun to have a twin around.

I waited a few moments, holding the door up. Within those moments, I looked around. A nice sunset illuminated my house, the rocky wall, and the grass. Life was pretty good around here. Everything was pretty calm, and town wasn’t so far away when I needed something to do. Life was pretty perfect.

Lexis climbed with two leather knapsacks in one hand and two sheathed swords in the other. Once he up and out, I let the trapdoor fall with a clang. I let him hide the trapdoor once again while I inspected my sword and bag. My sword had no rust on, still shiny and sharp. The attached the sword to my belt I was wearing. The knapsack was closed tightly with a drawstring. I put the knapsack on, and looked around for Lexis.

“Better be faster if you want to catch me, Nero!”

I looked over at the cliff edge to see him ready, knapsack and sword on him. He gave a quick salute and jumped backwards. That showoff…

“You little piece of slime! Get back here, you cheater!”

I ran over to the edge and jumped headfirst right after him.

I didn't find much wrong with it, but there were a few mistakes.

This sentence doesn't sound right. Plus, you never start a sentence with a conjunction.
"And use it do we." You could say it like this;"Oh, and we use it." It still puts the emphasis on how much you use it.

Also, if you say this sentence out loud, it doesn't flow right. "We both brought both a hand, palm up, and a fist onto the palm." I get what you're trying to say. Maybe you could say it like this;"Both of us brought out our hands, ready to battle." In your next sentence, you say rock, paper, scissors, which explains the 'battle' part.

Overall, it was a good story. You have a good feel for the relationship between a brother and a sister. Keep writing!

Thanks for reviewing. I guess I better read my writing out loud more often.

Well, you see... Lexis is a unisex name. Both of the twins are boys. It's easier for me to work on boy characters (since I'm going to do two books with them narrating them; easier for me to do their thoughts). But thanks anyways!

I really got to work on a summary for this. I'll update either Saturday or Sunday. Forgot to do the appearance....

Hullo there!

I just wanted to let you know that I shortened your line break, which is the thing that has all the ~~~~ in it. If you make this too long, it will stretch out the front page where works are displayed. That's all! Have a good day.

Yeah, I better work on this tomorrow. Just for the record, I wrote this today only Sorry about that. Once I finish last part, I'm going to redo/edit this one. Tried a bit to do present-ish tense, but guess I'll have to change that.... Makes it feel like a journal, though.

Yeah, I'll get over those confusing sentences, especially that one rock-paper-scissors one. *leaves the sentence to the left* That's what I accidently do.

Sorry, but the preface is near the end, or at least the middle. You'll have to wait for that.

There's actually a plot that can be found in this little part Thought it was a bit too confusing. The second part of the chapter will be an immediate continuation of this.

Oh, Rosey, if I must, I will spoil a bit of the plot over PM if you wish. If I want to, since I hate spoiling things.

yes sir... for starters its ok... for starters as in for starters... you know... nice characterization i guess... they kind of seem flimsy tho... like real weak and not scary... but like the lovable goofs... and you say this takes place nowhere near earth? i would have not the slightest clue where else this might have taken place outside the us, little lone earth... you know what im saying... and for the first commenter "you never start a sentence with a conjunction" is an old forgotten rule like nobody works on sunday.... just use it sparingly and its all good baby!

Hi Dragon!

PREFACE

It also illuminated the outer covering of the deep trench.
A few things about this sentence. 1) Get rid of 'also'. By simpying putting in another sentence, we know that this is happening too. 2) Remove 'deep'. It's hard to imagine a particularly shallow trench, ergo; it's doing little for the sentence. 3) On top of #2, it's a bland sentence as there are no more adjectives the cover up the content. Put in a simile. Maybe it illuminated the outer covering of the trench like a lake. What exactly is the 'outer covering' anyway?

On one side, [s]horizontally[/s], I stood up. The other side was my attacker.
I tend tot think that when armies fight in a trench, one side is in a trench, and the other, a few hundred metres or so away, in another trench. But I suppose this could work. And the other side was the attacker--the whole side? I reckon this should be rephrased to: "The other side of the trench hid away my attacker, with a thin layer of dust." Don't just copy that in, because you can do better, but so you see what I mean?

Who could it be?
Questions in stories spoil the broth. Why not: "I wondered who could be, shaking my head from side to side."? In a sense, questions are a relatively weak away to post a question to the audience, as if you're asking for mystery but not getting it.

Could there be another battalion that was hiding? It could be even bigger.
Ah, once again. Except this time the question is a real mess. Link the two sentences together. "If another battalion was hid there, it could be bigger, a lot bigger than before." See, I've tried to give you a sentence that incorporates both of the other two, but shortens it it at least makes it flow better. One of the problems I have noticed so far is that you tend to be giving us very choppy sentences. Namely, one long one, then a short one that just reinforces the preceding one. I doubt your character is really thinking all of this, and specifically asking himself questions.

This was probably all a trap, trying to weaken us. They’re taking the strong out first!
How so? If the second sentence is supposed the answer to that question, then I don't like it. 1) It changes tense ('they're' as opposed to 'they were') and 2) It makes me wonder something else: "What real relevance is that to the situation he's in?"

A boy at the age of fourteen with blazing red hair stood at the other side of the trench. ... ... I thought he was dead, and here he is, on the enemy side, on the battlefield, making small talk!
1) Annoying question mark. 2) Tense change ('is' instead of 'was'). 3) Location change ('here' instead of 'there'). 4) Is the fact he is fourteen really the first thing he would notice? 5) A few lines before, you told us that he thought he was dead, so a little unnecessary? Would he be more shocked? try to say something, but then just a few words of ramble come out?

The enemy’s badge; I had seen the image of a bloody sword wrapped around by a snake on a piece of red velvet cloth enough.
That is pretty precise. This guy's on the other end of the trench, it's late afternoon, and yet he can see it so clearly. This is always a long enough sentence with choppy adjectives all over the place; can you think of a better way to show us the badge? One suggestion I might have would be to put in some commas, at least between 'red velvet', since it’s a lot to digest with no pauses. You could get away with it were it less precise. Also, how can you get a 'bloody sword' on a such a cloth? Something else: it’s passive tense ‘by a snake’, which I should recommend avoiding if you want a fast-pace.

I’ll put my thoughts on the preface here, before we go onto the rest. A lot of what I have has been mostly negative, but the real problem lies within the content. You see, I don’t care about the main character. I don’t know his name, his emotions or even if he’s the only person in the entire battlefield. Give us a description, let us be there: it lacks sensory imaging, which we need more of. What does the place smell like? Feel like? Taste like?

One the plus side, you have the basis for an interesting preface, but just the basis. Expand it out more so that we can get a feel of what’s going on—maybe even throw us into a fight of some design. In other words, we’ll then have a better connection with him, and you’ll be able to show off your skills at suspense! Oh, and it’ll draw us in.

It’s not a rule of thumb to have something fast-paced and violent to start with—you can go the other way and have something really dramatic happen. However, without understanding our character, it’s hard to know.

CHAPTER ONE

and I were making
“and I had been making.”

I’m not going go through the entire section for grammar, because I don’t think it’s necessary.

There are a lot of tense changes already. What’s going on—when is this written? He’s living in the forge now, and having a flashback? The easy solution for this, in my opinion, would be to just put the starting paragraph into the past tense. Also, do three people work on one sword for a long time in a forge?

See what I mean:

We two made the path, we might as well use it. And use it do we.

In general, the second part was far better. There were some issues, but nothing major and it flowed better. I myself am prone to rambling, but you go the mix between action and descriptions about right. However, I do think that you kind of perfected Nero. Life is good, life is perfect, yes? Most readers will find it difficult to be interested about someone with so easy a life. A few tips:

--He's a blacksmith, is he poor? Compare his life to nearby villagers.
--Does his brother get spoilt, but him a lot less so?

I liked it better, and I'm starting to understand. He lost his brother, and then later on, he finds his brother on the enemy's side? Good good

Best of luck!
-Blinky Goodness

God, so much to do I did that present tense on purpose, but guess I should keep it past tense.

I'm definately rewriting it today.

He's his twin. He's describing what he knows first, so of course he's going to describe the other guy's age first

Got to find that balance between imagery and too much imagery. Time to read it over again!

Now, time to work on the second plot in this story... (the thing that is happening in this world, second plot is between the brothers).

You'll learn about the swords in the next part of the chapter, but I can't give you that much about them (did I say they're important already? oops, that spoiled it a bit.).

Oh, and when I meant nowhere near Earth, I meant not ON Earth or located in the same universe. Of course I'll steal stuff ( rip off artist) from Earth and mix it in. That's part of the fun of being an author!

Oh, by the way, should I post a new entry for the edited one or change it here?

Lol, you go do that

It's up to you where you post it, but you might want to rename this to 'original title [EDITED]' and then edit the first post for the updated version.

But whatever'll be fine, I imagine.