Suicide

Hi again - here for a second time to check out your improvements! ^_^ I'll run through all the things I think that you could perhaps think about messing about with, and then I'll give you my verdict about whether it's improved or not! ^_^

By the way - I'm genuinely interested in how you progress as a writer, so this is a very detailed, picky review. Please, please, don't take it personally - see it more as... constructive critisism at it's finest! *laughs* Feel free to read it in parts, or to copy and paste it somewhere and come back to it later. This is going to be quite hard to digest in one sitting.

And now that you have been warned - *rolls up sleeves and puts on a ridiculously large pair of glasses* - let's begin!

First Stanza

What is love?
What is life?
Life is sun,
And love it's light.

This first stanza has the potential to be truly beautiful, and I see what you're trying to do here. However, this is completely lost because you aren't repeating the sentence structure below. If you want to keep the 'and' in the fourth line, you should add an 'and' to the second line ('And what is life?'). If you want to keep the first two lines as separate questions, the last two should be separated, and thus the 'and' removed.
Below are the new versions - the first one leaving the 'and' in the fourth line and adding one to the second, and the other with no 'and's at all. Both of them get the effect you're after - a captivating beginning with the hint of a subtle rhyme.
(You'll also notice that I've added a little bit of fancy punctuation work. The colons make the separations between each question (and answer) distinctive, is all. ^_^ )

What is love;
And what is life?
Life is sun;
And love, it's light. <--- I've added a comma to allow this line to read easier.

- OR -

What is love;
What is life?
Life is sun;
Love is light. <--- The word 'is' sounds much better with this format than 'it's', and mimics the sentence format above.

Second Stanza

True love is heaven,
And in it lovers reside.
And without love,
there is no life.

This stanza is cute, but the similarity you drew between love and light in the previous one is lost here. Is life like the sun, or heaven? The last two lines correlate perfectly with 'life is sun, love is light'... the first two feel as though they have been thrown in to keep with the "this emotion means this" thing you've got going on. Don't feel bad - stray away from it a bit! But definitely re-do the first two lines. Maybe draw more attention to the fact that light is what keeps the sun burning; and so, love is what makes life worthwhile, what gives life meaning.

(If you do decide on doing this, try changing the word 'and' in the third line to the word 'so'. It might help make the point.)

Third Stanza

Maybe that's why my eyes are wet,
As I lay in my bed.
From my wrists blood dripped,
And from my eyes tears flowed.

Aaaaaand here comes the cliché that every keeps talking about. I don't think it's over the top that this has happened - manic depressives can be triggered by the tiniest of things - but it becomes cliché the way you've written it. You're guilty of the "flat writing" crime - that is, writing out what is happening... period.

Classic example of flat writing: I got in from going shopping, put my bag on the banister and sat down by my desk. I turned on my laptop and plugged it into the wall. I waited for the system to boot up before typing in my password.

Bored? Yeah. That's basically what you've done. Blood drips from a cut, and tears flow down a crying face; both scientific facts. How can you describe these things more artistically, more creatively?

Here are a few examples to start you off: blood seeped, cried, spurted, gushed, trickled and tears streamed, meandered, fell, slid. Try keeping a thesaurus to hand and looking up words that get used frequently in stories - this little change can separate you from the amateurs.

Two more quick fire points - firstly, the tenses are mixed up: the stanza needs to be either fully in the past, or fully in the present. You cannot be crying right now, but have killed yourself a few days before. Only the elite can pull that off, and believe me, sometimes even THEY screw it up.

Lastly - and this is a personal point - I think the poem will be more thrilling to read if you bring the slit wrists in straight away, rather than in the third line. In my opinion, they lose their meaning there, and would pack more of a punch straight after your (rather philosophical) intro.

Fourth Stanza

I thought about my love,
I thought about my life.

...nah. Take it out. xD This poem would read exactly the same without it.

Fifth & Sixth Stanza

I remembered all those moments we spent together,
I thought they would last forever.
But alas I was wrong,
My life is like a very sad song.

I remembered the first time my lips touched your cheeks,
It was our very first kiss.
I remembered the time when you whispered in my ear,
Now these moments haunt me as a nightmare.

Oh my stars, CRINGE! *laughs and hugs you* You tried so, so hard with the fifth stanza, I can tell... but it shows through so badly that I can't help but smile when I read this. It's so cute! Anyways. Enough being weird. The rhyme scheme here... is perfect. That's what's bad about it. It feels as though you've literally gone through a list of rhyming words, picked the one that sounds "prettiest", and attempted to make it fit somehow. Am I right? *pokes*

Thinking about it, I'm about to say exactly the same thing about the next stanza. So here's my advice for BOTH of them - combine the two, and completely scrap the rhyme scheme. Trust me. And I'll prove to you that you're starting to sound better without it, too.

This line here, when you say 'I remembered the first time my lips touched your cheeks \ It was our very first kiss'... you sound tentative, like you're not sure where your boundaries are... but you've got some emotion across! *applauds you again* We feel the boy's nervousness about kissing this person, and the way you've isolated 'It was our very first kiss' helps us to understand how special this specific memory is.

Oh, and v. quickly - the last two lines of stanza six. Uhm... I'm not sure. I don't think they work very well, especially considering how well you did the first two. Perhaps elaborate on the memory of the first kiss - describe the feelings, give us some imagery, perhaps help us to see the boy/girl that is on the receiving end of 'your lips'.

(And as a tip - never use 'haunt me like a nightmare' in poetry. You'll thank me for this later. )

Seventh Stanza

But you said we werent meant together,
Then you left me forever.

This line has potential, I can feel it literally shining through the ink. Or rather, pixels. Whatever. But because you tried to shorten it, and were perhaps a little scared off by fitting what you needed into two lines, it's all gotten lost in this "flat writing" thing. Four lines here would be a pretty good idea, actually.

But you left, said we were doomed.
Weren't made to be together.
You left; you took my light with you.
Eclipsed my life forever.

I tried to make links with your 'love is light' thing. Hope this can help you with this tricky stanza. ^_^

Eighth Stanza

I said I was strong,
But inside I knew I was absolutely wrong.
I was shattered a,
and parts of me were scattered.

Uhm. OK - first off... the last two lines don't make any sense because I'm not sure they're completed. *smiles* But at least we know that you definately did do some editing

Secondly, the first couplet is so forced and cheesy that it makes me want to cuddle you again. xD I want you to vow to me that you will stop conforming and let your creative juices flow! Next time you write a poem, I want to see it totally free verse. OK? ^_^

Seriously though. First two lines are really, really cringe-worthy. No. *crosses them out neatly with her pink, glass-nibbed pen*

Ninth Stanza

Then from heavens descended a light,
It was truly a beautiful sight.
That light filled me with a feeling of ease,
And at last I rest in peace.

.... you know what I'm gonna say, right? *grins* And if you do, then good, you're catching on and I don't need to critique this stanza. But if you haven't sussed it yet, here's a clue.

Rhyming.
Words.
*smiles*

Also, I'm kinda upset that this person died happily. This is supposed to be a morbid poem, ain't it? I want blood and sweat and tears, not random throngs of angels coming down to make it all better! *laughs*

HOWEVER!
Don't feel put off, ashamed or embarassed by this critique. See it as a GOOD thing! I only critique work that is either brilliant, or has brilliant potential - and as I said before, I'm really looking forward to seeing how you grow as a writer.
Some of the ideas in here are pretty decent, and there are some lines which, with a little pruning, can be incredible.
Pruning is a painful process... but you'll thank us here once the process is over. That's a promise. ^_^

Feel free to PM me if you want me to look at any more of your work, OK? And if you don't want a critique as long and detailed as this, just say. This particular one has taken me... hmm. About an hour and a half, being the perfectionist I am?

And now it's going to take another half hour to proof-read before I post it. *sigh* Better begin, then...

EDIT: It only took me fifteen minutes to edit! It's a RECORD, baby! *punches the air*

Erm..disturbing. I'm not a big fan of suicide poems, although I've only read a few. This one is definitely heart-wrenching, and that's a good sort of poetic quality I envy greatly. But this one lends just a slight hint of being sad-sobby. It's good to try depressed poems, and this one was well-written. Depressed and dramatic=good>dramatic and sad-sobby. But there were a few instances that I was disatisfied with. I'm gonna show you the whole thing and then point out the parts I dislike that made it sound a little cheesy, thus the sad-sobby thing...

{What is love?

What is life?

Life is sun,

And love it's light.} I liked this part. The questions. It's realisitic, and romantic, not lovey romantic, but beautiful. what happened when you said 'life is sun,'? I got lost. It broke me from its flow right there, because I don't know what you mean by the metaphor. 'sun'. Do you mean warm? Explain. I loved the 'and love it's light'. but the punctuation on that line wreaks. You so need a comma after 'love, it's'.



True love is heaven,

And in it lovers reside. (LOSE THE AND, might try inserting comma after 'it'.)

And without love, (LOSE THE AND, USE 'BUT' INSTEAD)

there is no life.



Maybe that's why my eyes are wet, (LOSE THE MAYBE, it sucks the depth and emotion right out of the line, just say 'that is' to take up the syllables.

As I lay in my bed. (I don't see why you're in bed there, but for whatever purpose, the 'lay' is gramatically incorect. say 'lie' instead. PS:YOUR TENSES ARE SKEWED)

From my wrists blood dripped, (TELL ME WHY THEY'RE DRIPPING!)

And from my eyes tears flowed.



I thought about my love,

I thought about my life.



I remembered all those moments we spent together,

I thought they would last forever.

But alas I was wrong, (screams for a comma after 'but')

My life is like a very sad song. (very just doesn't cut it. try something more dramatic like 'horribly'.)



I remembered the first time my lips touched your cheeks, (sentence cries out for period after 'cheeks')

It was our very first kiss.

I remembered the time when you whispered in my ear,(I have no idea why you put this line here. it doesn't make a lick of sense her/him whispering in your ear when we have no idea what they said.)

Now these moments haunt me as a nightmare.



But you said we werent meant together, (lose the but, and put in the dang apostrophe)

Then you left me forever. (enough with the forever's, try another word to convey finality, such as eternity or something else along those lines.)



I said I was strong,

But inside I knew I was absolutely wrong. (I love that last couplet. beautiful.)

I was shattered a, (why is there an 'a' there?)

and parts of me were scattered. (I'd lose the 'and' and the 'were', going for a fragment and the dramatic effects achieved therein.)



?Then?(Lose the then, bubs) from ?heavens?(I'd say, 'from the heavens') descended a light, (so skewed, just try what I put in.)

It was truly a beautiful sight. (lose the 'it was truly' use the truly, but in the order of 'a truly beautiful sight')

That light filled me with a feeling of ease, (don't use the 'that!!!' just say 'the!' and: SAY: 'SENSE' INSTEAD OF 'EASE'!!!! I don't care if it doesn't rhyme--it would totally make for a more powerful last stanza!)

And at last I rest in peace. (nothing wrong with this one!)

Pretty darn good, if I say so myself. You took a cliche scenario and wrote a good, original-sounding poem. But Remember: don't sacrifice good words and tone for the ring of a rhyme. Rhyme when you can, and the rest of the time, use good words. Keep writing! PS: I really did enjoy it!

Youps! Schowy! I didn't mean to post twice...

Thanks for informing me that you've revised this.

As I said last time, this is really good. I don't have much to complain about, but the line "I was shattered a," appears not to be what if should be ("I was shattered,"?). That's pretty much the only criticism I can give on this! Great poem, you're a great poet, it's all great, basically.

p.s. I'm slightly hungover.