The Eruption Chapter 1 and 2

Gracelynn's curly brown hair blew in the wind as she hopped from her parent's car. Nearly dropping her binder and books she ran to the front door of Lincoln Middle School. She adjusted her school supplies in her arms so that she could run down the 6th grade hallway withought any interferences. Gracelynn was officially 12 years old and as a 6th grader she had many hopes and dreams, but so far none were coming true. School was a drag. She wished that one day Lincoln Middle School would just blow up and kill everyone she disliked. It was a horrible thought but it was true. The bell rang as Grace (Gracelynn's nickname) was running through the halls. She sighed aloud. "No running in the halls!" Grace heard Mrs. Olsen, Lincoln's vice principal and turned around. "Do you want a blue slip?" she asked. Grace shook her head. She felt like a zombie, stiff and hypnotized. How wonderful thought Grace. Not even in class yet and I'm already yelled at. Mrs. Olsen was strict and often called "mean" by the other students. Thankfully, no one was there to view Grace's "incident" unlike the last time where Grace was yelled at for wearing a short skirt. By the time Grace received all her supplies from her locker and got a late slip from the office, first period was already fifteen minutes through. And her hair was messy. Looking good was an important part of middle school. After arriving in class, Grace had to catch up and get stared at by everyone. When the bell rang, Grace was more than happy. Although her next class wasn't any better."Hey!" Oceane, one of Grace's friends greeted her when she arrived to woodshop. Grace had a variety of friends, Oceane being one of them. Tiffany arrived next. "Yo!" she shouted across the room. Mr.Shaw glared at her and Tiffany rolled her eyes behind his back. The three girls giggled.Every bench (well technically they were tables but Mr.Shaw called them benches) fit four people. In Grace's bench, there was her, Oceane, Tiffany and Chantelle. The bell rang and the late students lined up outside the classroom door. Chantelle was going to be late.Mr.Shaw got up from his desk and walked to the door to mark the students late. Chantelle walked past the line and through the door. "Mr. Shaw!" she cried. "My mom checked my grades last night and I have a C!" Chantelle's face showed concern but Grace thought it didn't look real. "Oh" said Mr. Shaw. "I must've typed in your grade wrong. I'll change it tonight. You have an A" Mr. Shaw smiled. Chantelle fake smiled and walked to their bench.Withought even realizing it, Mr. Shaw had let Chantelle pass into the room withought being marked late. Chantelle smiled again as the sat down. "You were late" said Grace. Chantelle smiled once again. "I know" Grace burned with anger. Chantelle got away with everything. "You don't even have a C, do you?" said Oceane. Chantelle shooke her head and turned to Tiffany.Oceane started whispering to Grace. "I HATE her". "Ditto" replied Grace. Grace's answer was proved right when Chantelle called her hair "ugly". Grace HATED Chantelle.In science class, Mr. Hansen passed out a packet of info on volcanoes. Grace skimmed the packet as Mr. Hansen talked. "You know Mt. Rainier is a volcano although everyone refers to it as a mountain. It's supposed to erupt every 360 years. It's time is up by years although no activity has been discovered." Grace looked up. Mt. Rainier was only 100 miles from Tacoma.The day passed and Grace practically ran from the building. She passed David, who was happily laughing with Chantelle. She liked David but of course every boy in 6th grade liked Chantelle, although she wasn't that pretty.Grace had never been jealous but she wasn't happy with Chantelle. No matter what, she seemed to get everything she wanted. She had many friends, admirers and teachers loved her. Grace had A+'s in every class but no teacher favorited her. Her attitude with Chantelle was showing more and more each day. One day, she was going to blow up.Oceane called her that night and a lot of their conversation had to do with Chantelle. "So what do you have for science homework?" asked Oceane. "Nothing. I never have homework in science but Mr. Hansen did pass out packets on volcanoes." answered Grace. Oceane didn't respond. "Mt. Rainier is a volcano". "Really?" Oceane asked. "Yeah" said Grace. "It's supposed to erupt every 360 years" "I want it to blow up" said Oceane. "Me too" said Grace.If Rainier erupted, wouldn't the distraction take away all her problems? Lincoln Middle School would be over and Grace would be problem free.

Chapter 2
Grace sat on her windowsill in nothing but her nightgown, letting the wind whip the lace around her legs. She strummed her guitar not caring if her fingers were callused from hard playing. Grace loved music.As Grace played the last chords of Taylor Swift's "Love Story", the sky opened up and let down buckets of rain. Grace was hesitant to get up but she finished her song not caring how wet she was. Her legs were cold and her brown curls curled up even more then they already were. She had to change clothes and make sure her guitar was not ruined.Remembering her science packet, she ran downstairs to fetch it. The rain poured outside which dampened Grace's mood. She kicked up her feet against a pillow, lying on her bed and read the following:Volcanoes are formed when magma from within the Earth's upper mantle works its way to the surface. At the surface it erupts to form lava flows and ash deposits. Ash deposits result from more explosive activity and lava flows usually are associated with quieter activity. Once you have piled up lava and/or ash around the vent, you have a young volcano. After many many more eruptions you have a big volcano that is constructed of the ash and lava products of these eruptions. Info from infc.ulst.ac.uk.com Grace loved learning about disasters. The fact that Mt. Rainier was a volcano, excited her, knowing that it was only 100 miles away from her city, Tacoma. Grace went to her dad's Dell PC and opened up Internet Explorer. She logged onto her Yahoo! Mail account and found Oceane online.She began to IM her:Gracelynn: HEY!Oceane: HiGracelynn: Got news?Oceane: Yup.Gracelynn: What?Oceane: I don't think you want to know.......Gracelynn: Come awn!Oceane: NoGrace thought carefully. What could Oceane not want her to know? Grace never told people's secrets. Her lips would always be locked. Oceane: gtg!Gracelynn: Oceane: I'll e-mail it to youGrace waited patiently, drumming her fingers against her father's desk. At last, a new message popped up in Grace's inbox.
To: gracelynnross@yahoo.com
From: oceane@yahoo.com
Subject: Gossip
Grace, Chantelle called you ugly. Didn't want you to know. She also called me uncool....at the same times as calling you uncool.
~Oceane, Chantelle is SO Evil
P.S. Like my new signature?
Grace felt disconnected from the world. Chantelle had really gone far. It was time to get down and dirty. It was time to plan revenge.

I haven't read this yet, so I want to give you some advice. No offense, but your story looks like a giant block of text, which tends to drive readers away. It's just really difficult to review something when you don't have enough space to write. You should try double spacing it so it's easier to read. Not trying to be mean. I see that you're new here and could use a few pointers. PM me when you double space it and I'd be happy to review.

Ciao baby,

Dreamworx95,

XOXO

The first point that needs to be made about your story is that it is very hard to read. What makes it so hard to read is the lack of paragraphing. It is always very hard to read a story when it is not broken up into paragraphs, as there is never a break for the eye. The dialogue should also begin on a new line as the person who is speaking changes. Because of the lack of paragraphing, I will likely not do this review justice. But I will nevertheless have a shot.

Firstly, it is not necessary to tell us that Grace is short for Gracelynn as tha"Do you want a blue slip?" is fairly obvious. It might also do better to begin the story with "Grace's curly brown hair", rather than using her full name. If it is essential that we know her full name, you could tell us in many different ways such as: "Do you want a blue slip, Gracelynn?" when Mrs Olsen talks to her. Which brings me to a different point.

Mrs Olsen didn't really yell at Grace, she merely reprimanded her. Always ensure that the verbs used are appropriate.

The first point that needs to be made about your story is that it is very hard to read. What makes it so hard to read is the lack of paragraphing. It is always very hard to read a story when it is not broken up into paragraphs, as there is never a break for the eye. The dialogue should also begin on a new line as the person who is speaking changes. Because of the lack of paragraphing, I will likely not do this review justice. But I will nevertheless have a shot.

Firstly, it is not necessary to tell us that Grace is short for Gracelynn as tha"Do you want a blue slip?" is fairly obvious. It might also do better to begin the story with "Grace's curly brown hair", rather than using her full name. If it is essential that we know her full name, you could tell us in many different ways such as: "Do you want a blue slip, Gracelynn?" when Mrs Olsen talks to her. Which brings me to a different point.

Mrs Olsen didn't really yell at Grace, she merely reprimanded her. Always ensure that the verbs used are appropriate. It adds credibility to your story.

A couple of questions which need clarification:
1) Why will Mr Shaw not berate Chantelle for lying, when he discovers the truth about the mark?
2) She is in sixth grade, do you really think that at that age the children are so worried about their sex lives?

There are also several grammatical mistakes made by the narrator which detract from the credibility of the story here are but a few:
1) "Mr. Hansen passed out a packet of info on volcanoes." -- Should be information, the narrator should not shorten a word like information unless there is a good reason.
2) "She had many friends, admirers and teachers loved her" -- Should be "She had many friends and admirers and the teachers loved her too". or something along those lines.
3) "withought" should be "without"
There are several other mistakes like the ones I have mentioned above.

You also need to develop the relationships in the story more. Why should we like Grace any more than Chantelle. So, Chantelle called Grace ugly, why can't grace ignore this? There is a lot that needs to be explained to the reader,

Stories about revenge are almost always intriguing, and I really like the way your story looks to be going. What your story sorely lacks however is credibility. With this in mind, I would go back and rewrite this story, improving the grammar; filling the plot-holes, and building characters. without some of these little mistakes, I would really look forward to reading your work.