Will you be blonde today?

She waltzed with pointed toes and pirouettes,
Standing so short and with those eyes so bright.
Better at once than just blonds or brunettes,
I should have known--she claims both dark and light.

I memorized those lines to see her smiles.
From stage right to stage left, it all made sense.
Though she's turned dark, I'm still slave to her wiles,
And I ask if she was just a pretense.

Now your slow, sick dance makes me so dizzy,
And you stand too tall when you wear those heels.
Your light has grown too dim for me to see,
Dark shines, there's no hope: is this how love feels?

While my stone heart cracks slowly in dismay,
I ask her this: Will you be blonde today?

Thanks for reading! Comments?

Hey there, Margaret!

Just one thing before I crit - there's a rule on this site that you need the ratio for reviews to posts to be 2:1. So, for every post you make, you need to have two reviews. It keeps things fair and will also mean more people reading your work. I see you already have one review though - Kudos. Just one more and it'll all be right.

She waltzed with pointed toes and pirouettes,
Standing so short and with those eyes so bright.
Better at once than just blonds or brunettes,
I should have known--she claims both dark and light.

I like the first two lines. They're refreshing, pretty, and don't beat about the bush with huge words and complicated analogies. It reminds us that somethings, simplicity is beauty. I think the 'better at once than just blonds or brunettes' kills it though. I do understand this ongoing theme during the poem; maybe it's okay - I just think you could have phrased it more poetically. It's a bit, I don't know.

I memorized those lines to see her smiles.

This was a lovely, perceptive line. At first glance, it seems to have one meaning, but actually it has many. Anyway, I really liked it. Nearly made me cry. I'm a softie.

Now your slow, sick dance makes me so dizzy,
And you stand too tall when you wear those heels.
Your light has grown too dim for me to see,
Dark shines, there's no hope: is this how love feels?

This was a very emotional verse compared to the others, filled with explanations and description and details. You have a lovely balance in this poem between concepts - emotions, love, sadness, and description of the surroundings and the characters. It's very refreshing and gives the whole thing a polished feel.

This was very good. I don't fully understand the whole 'blond' thing, but I'm just really slow about things like that. Could be improved in some places - but can't everything?

Well done.

xxx

Margaret Louise wrote:She waltzed with pointed toes and pirouettes,
Standing so short and with those eyes so bright.
Better at once than just blonds or brunettes,
I should have known--she claims both dark and light.

I memorized those lines to see her smiles.
From stage right to stage left, it all made sense.
Though she's turned dark, I'm still slave to her wiles,
And I ask if she was just a pretense.

Now your slow, sick dance makes me so dizzy,
And you stand too tall when you wear those heels.
Your light has grown too dim for me to see,
Dark shines, there's no hope: is this how love feels?

While my stone heart cracks slowly in dismay,
I ask her this: Will you be blonde today?

I loved it! Very sweet lyrics, nice rhythm, it was all very beautiful.

I love this line:

And you stand too tall when you wear those heels.

Great image!

I really have no critique, except for this one line:

I should have known--she claims both dark and light.

The line 'I should have known', it just doesn't seem to fit in. I can't think of a different line to suggest, but I think that it should definitely be changed.

Apart from that, it's beautiful

Thanks for the feedback, guys. It means a ton. Anyway, there is sort of a story behind this poem. I wrote it for a friend of mine, and it's in his voice. This girl he likes is sort of playing games with him, and she's got a few streaks of blonde in her black hair, and I used that as a sort of literary symbol for her changing disposition towards him, and how crazy she's driving him. I guess if you don't know that, it's difficult to understand the whole "blonde" motif in the poem.

I changed it a bit, hopefully it gets better:


She waltzed with pirouettes and pointed toes,
Standing so short and with those eyes so bright,
And two-tone tresses--her own juxtapose.
I should have known: she claims both dark and light.

I memorized those lines to see her smiles.
From stage right to stage left, it all made sense.
Though she's turned dark, I'm still slave to her wiles,
And I ask if she was just a pretense.

Now your slow, sick dance makes me so dizzy,
And you stand too tall when you wear those heels.
Your light has grown too dim for me to see,
Dark shines, there's no hope: is this how love feels?

While my stone heart cracks slowly in dismay,
I ask her this: Will you be blonde today?


Maybe that makes it clearer. Who knows?

Anyway, thanks again.