Your Lips On Mine

The slow, intense sweeping of your lips across mine.
Your neck, my tongue.
The brushing of your material against my skirt.
My fingers twisted in your hair, gripping.
Your hands around my waist.
The feeling arises, you have me.
I would give you anything.
You are so provocative, you can have anything.
You are my first, and I really don’t mind if you are my last.
Teach me how to do it, tell me where to go.
Show me the world in one night.

this is really intense.

Your hands around my waste.

waste should be waist.
besides that, good job

Great job! I really loved reading this poem! It was short and sweet and to the point. There were a few bits that bugged me though.

The brushing of your material against my skirt.

What material? Do you mean his shirt, his pants, or something else? Please explain.

Also, you start each line with a capital letter. If you don't fix that, it makes it harder to read.

Each line is a sentence.. Maybe you should break it down more, to make it more rhythmical..

Show me the world in one night.

This line sent chills down my spine.. Seriously!

Great work! I look forward hearing more from you!

*Princess*

Hello! Okay, first off, I absolutely adored this poem! It was great and descriptive and romantic...definitely my type of poem. guitargrl1323 was correct. Waste should be waist. Also, you need to review two poeples work in order to post one of your own. Also, "Show me the world in one night" sent chills down my spine, too! It was a beautiful line. My favorite I believe was

You are my first, and I really don’t mind if you are my last.

I guess that it was my favorite because it is so original. Again, well done. Keep writing!

This poem is great, it's doing more showing than telling, so you can really imagine it. And there's no cliches in there, which is unusual but brilliant! Great peom, well done!

Hello emma! I'll be your reviewer for today!

I have to say that I liked this little poem. It's very evocative of the traditional teenage view of romance, which can often seem a bit overused at times. However, what made your poem stand out to me was how you stated everything so simply, rather than going into the long, drawn out, adjective filled explanations so typical of such things. Props for that.

The brushing of your material against my skirt.

You should say something like jeans, pants, or legs instead of material. I think someone brought this up already, but it's an important enough thing to mention twice.

The last four lines were especially haunting and beautiful in what they said, simply because it's so true. You did a very good job with this poem. Feel free to PM me if you need something clarified or if you want something else reviewed.

~Connie

emma.b wrote:The slow, intense sweeping of your lips across mine.
Your neck, my tongue.
The brushing of your material against my skirt.
My fingers twisted in your hair, gripping.
Your hands around my waist.
The feeling arises, you have me.
I would give you anything.
You are so provocative, you can have anything.
You are my first, and I really don’t mind if you are my last.
Teach me how to do it, tell me where to go.
Show me the world in one night.

That was hot!

Am I the only one who that was hot?

*silence*

Okay, moving on...

I really don't have a crit here, this is very nice and very well done. I feel like I'm in the moment.

Anyhoo, I know this has been mentioned before, but I'll say it a third so you see how important it is:

The brushing of your material against my skirt.

Now, is it just me, or did anyone else think of something so inappropriate after reading this line? Was that intended? Please, elaborate.

Keep writing!

Whoa, this is some intense stuff.I have to say that it sent some serious chills down my spine.I love the last line and the one about first and last.I hope to see more of your stuff.You're pretty good at it.

[quote="]
You are so provocative, you can have anything.
You are my first, and I really don’t mind if you are my last.
Teach me how to do it, tell me where to go.
Show me the world in one night.[/quote]

I found this part to be extremely powerful, and really brought the poem
to a provocative end. All in all this poem was sexy to say the least.
You're full of emotion, keep writing.

W-O-W

Hello there, dear. I'm Angel, and I will be the reviewer of this poem today. ^_^

This mirrored the intricacies of teenage love really well. And I really could feel the MC's emotions and how they were taking this whole situation. It was perfectly and tastefully written. It's nice to know that people can write love poems without being too racy.

Favorite Line:

Show me the world in one night.

I like how it finishes off the poem and its very beautiful and poetic.

Keep up the good work!!!

A wonderful poem! It put the reader right into the moment without too much description which would've ruined the magical feeling of it. I really hope to see more of your writing, it's entrancing! Keep on writing and good luck!

Hey there Emma!

What a great poem! I mean really, well done. *claps* I particularly loved the last three lines:

"You are my first, and I really don’t mind if you are my last.
Teach me how to do it, tell me where to go.
Show me the world in one night."

A couple of notes:

1. This line seems a bit odd and jerky:

"The feeling arises, you have me."

Perhaps something like:

"I surrender to the tide rising within me."

Which leads me nicely onto:

2. Images. This poem doesn't have an awful lot of them. And I mean decent images, not your bog standard "Your voice is like a thousand rainbows." That's cliche. Using images, particularly those involving the senses (How many senses have you ticked off? Have you neglected some lately) will really pull the reader into the scene and make this an even greater piece than it already is!

But great job. For a writer of your age, your talent is impressive. Keep writing!

Well done!



Gahks

9/10