Excerpt for Princess

This is an idea that I had and it's an excerpt from my romance novel, so here ya go!

Keyan, Felix, and Millie were an odd bunch. They all had multiple colored hair, Keyan’s was blonde and black, flopping straight around his face. Felix had pushed back, messy brown hair with caramel seeping out every where. Then there was Millie. She caught my attention the most with her fiery red hair. Blonde, black, brown, and even yellow racing in tangles all through out the bone straight strands. Side bangs were jet straight from one side of her forehead, exceeding down to her jaw on the opposite side, meeting up with the rest of her long hair. Her eyes, unlike Keyan and Felix’s golden ones, were an ecstatic green. They seemed to twist into a neon green at some parts, but were mostly a bold green. Most vampires that I’ve seen all have a dark smoky grayness under their eyes, sometimes black if they were hungry. Keyan and Felix shared this trait, but once again Millie was different. She had clear, beautiful skin. There weren’t any dark circles under her eyes, just ghostly clear skin. She seemed luminescent, especially with that intense hair of hers.

“Hello.” Her lips didn’t move. Her voice was incredible, it rang all around the room. Not only did she portray the skill of a ventriloquist, but her lips were the same color of her skin. White. The only dark color on her face was the unbelievable makeup swarming around those beautiful eyes. It was a liquid black on top and bottom, blue lashes overlapping.

“Hi.” I breathed, nodding at her as she smiled at me. Felix stepped in front of her and looked right past me at Lucifer. As soon as their eyes made contact, he was next to me. I could feel him over shadowing me like a giant jack-in-the-box that popped out and hovered over top. Millie started to giggle, shutting up her radiant laugh with her hand, only to have her shoulders bouncing in delight.

Felix smirked and stepped back, once again in line with his siblings. Keyan seemed to be the only one drained of expression. His narrow jaw was clenched, but other than that he seemed pretty much like any other vampire. Though, he had dark, black circles around his eyes, darker than I’ve ever seen on a hungry vampire. “Keyan doesn’t drink blood.” Millie chirped at me. “I noticed you looking at his eyes, he doesn’t drink blood.” She repeated. “He doesn’t like it because he was bitten and not born a vampire. He knows we love him, so he only talks to us. Don’t be afraid if he seems like he’s going to chop off your head - he won’t. I promise.” Millie grinned, her hands behind her back. Standing next to her brothers, she was awfully tall.

“Why?” I changed my site back to him. He looked at me with his bright golden eyes that popped out of the swimming black. His lips were sealed shut and were as pale as his skin, like Millie’s. Felix seemed to be the only one with light lips that were visible against the white.

“When you’re bitten, Avril,” Felix started with his horse, seductive voice, “You tend to become very… afraid. Everything around you is in a new perspective as if you’re newly born. You’re senses increase, you don’t feel that thumping on your heart on your chest any longer. All you feel is the only kind of pain able to be inflicted on an immortal besides ripping off your limbs - thirst. Keyan here is the only person I’ve ever met that hates that feeling. He wants nothing to do with it, he doesn’t want to be “like the monster that killed him”, as he portrays it.” Felix was now in front of me, his lips very close to my face, intentionally breathing on me.
“Back away, now, Felix.” Lucifer commanded. I heard Drake and Dominic enter, close to each other. Drake came forward, ready to engage in the conversation.

“Oh, I was only having a little fun, friend.” He smiled, showing off his long, sharp daggers. I heard a rumble deep within Lucifer’s chest, then I heard a bunch of rumbling. Everyone was growling. I was in a room with six angry, fierce animals that wanted to kill each other.

“We play nice.” Felix laughed, looking down at me. Lucifer cleared his throat and gently pushed back Felix, a warning in this case. “Don’t touch me, boy.”

“Back away. Now.” Drake commanded, and at once Felix was back in the line of his siblings.

“You can use that trick now, Drake, but don’t get used to it.” With that, Felix turned around and the door opened, Cerise entering with a smile bright on her face. She ran up and hugged her lover, clueless of the events prior.

“Come on,” Lucifer whispered even though he knew everyone could here as if it was being screamed. “I’ll explain when we get outside.” I was already walking on leaves before I could respond.

“I understand Felix reading my mind, but Millie?” I huffed, breathing heavily in relief of being freed from the room.

“All the Ordeal’s have the same power. Millie and Felix are twins, Keyan doesn’t have a power though. Obviously because he was bitten, not born.” Lucifer stated.

“If they’re twins, why is Millie so different?” I asked.

“…because she’s part wolf.” Lucifer whispered in front of me.

“What?” I stopped, confused.

“In our world, Avril, there aren’t just vampires. There are wolves, dwarfs, witches, and mystical creatures. They all have their own world they belong to, just like we have Selene and Nathorus. Millie found a way into the wolves’ and was bit. She now portrays wolf characteristics. She’s dangerous, Avril. Dangerous.” Lucifer quickened his pace, I had to start taking long strides to keep up, trying my best not to fall over branches. That’s when it hit me.

“Am I safer out here or in the cottage?”

Wow! Day, this is awesome! I totally loved it! I will point out a few things that need fixing.

They all had multiple colored hair, Keyan’s was blonde and black, flopping straight around his face

This line needs some work. I thought it was funny when you used the word 'around'. It made his character a little hard to imagine. Maybe you should put in a little more detail here and there. Possibly put his hair short and jet black? Just a suggestion.

That whole first paragraph overwhelmed me with too much details.. Perhaps toning it down a bit and explain the details a little more as you go along..

And who's this 'I'? I hear a name mentioned once, but you give me no description of this character once so ever.

Also, give the reader more senses other than sight. Tell what the character tastes, feels, smells, and hears. It gives you much more to rely on.


Where are they? You don't tell us, even once, where they are.. You need more descriptions on the settings.

I understand that this is a clipping from a story, so there are bound to be some details left out..

I thought this was a great story, and it has great potential! Thanks for giving me the honor of critiquing it! I apologize if i was a tad bit harsh.

Yours truly,

Princess

Hey day tripper.

I think the piece focuses too heavily on the physical descriptions of the characters rather than the actual relationships of characters and/her the characterization of the novels. The narrator's voice is bland for a number of reasons.

Firstly, there is just too much physical description of characters. This is a problem as it does little to tell a story. The only thing it really does is that it acts as an attempt to help the audience create a better image of the characters. But there's so much of that it becomes rather jumbled and so the reader couldn't be bothered to care what they look like. Physical descriptions of characters are pretty much useless in my opinion. Why should I care what clothes and colour of hair, eyes and skin one has?

Secondly, the romance in the piece is weak to non-existent. It was basically them talking about some of the aspects of being a vampire and their powers. I'm pretty sure most of us know the surface features of a vampire, we do not need to be reminded of it.

Thirdly, there isn't anything to suggest the narrator is in danger and needs safety. Yeah there are these other creatures in the outside world and Millie now also a wolf, but why should I care about it?
Why is she worried about it? Elaborate.

I hope this brief critique has helped.

Andy.

I enjoyed this overall. I would have liked to see some more indirect characterization in the beggining instead of just telling us what they looked like. I wanted to know more about who they were through their actions as well. I would have liked some more sensory imagery other than sight as well, but I don;t feel like you need to tell us where they are. It adds o the mystery, and its not need if it is form a novel, becuase of course there would be more information involved with the rest of it. This has a lot of potential-just stay away from cliches and develop your characters and plot structure a little further.