Introduction

AN: So, this is a first draft, I don't doubt that I accidentally left out a word, messed up on grammar or spelling, but that's why I'm posting it. ^_^

Introduction

The fog was clearing as it always did, and he was there waiting for me, as he always was. I could see myself walking over to where he stood, but it felt more like floating, gliding even. He greeted me with a smile and a bow, I smiled back knowing it was no use to ask him not to. Bowing was his custom, and I was not about to try and interfere with it. And just like always we walked together, and talked together, things about his world, things about mine. It was a pleasant tradition, something I had grown to expect whenever I fell asleep. But it was nearing the dawn in my dream world, which meant dawn was nearing in my own world. We had found our way back to where we had begun, just like every night, and as I was about to say good-bye, something different happened. He stopped me.

“Darcy, be ready.”

“Be ready for what?” He sounded grim, and I wasn’t sure as to why. I took him in as a whole. He was taller by several inches then I, a solid figure with broad shoulders and strong arms. His skin carried a dull tan, and I wasn’t sure where the credit was deserved. Was he a laborer, or was he exotic? He wouldn’t tell me. His crimson eyes would frighten most, but after years of companionship, they were a comfort. He was always dressed in beeches and tunic, his dark hair was kept at bay by a leather thong. Moving my eyes back to his face I began to pout, and head back towards the lake that almost appeared out of nowhere. There I studied my own reflection, I always looked so different in my dreams. Streaming chocolate locks encompassed my back and shoulders, my pale skin was graced with a milky glow. My eyes were deep midnight orbs, I almost preferred them to my real eyes. Moving to the side I couldn’t help but admire the violet dress I had appeared in that night, I considered it a vast improvement from the sunny yellow I had worn the last time we met. Looking back over my shoulder I frowned, and head back up the steady slope. I didn’t have much time left. Taking his arm, I forced him to look at me.

“Why won’t you tell me what’s on your mind? We’ve never kept secrets.” Turning to face me, he gently loosened my grasp. Resting his large hands on my slender shoulders made me feel so small next to him. Raising my chin to meet his eyes didn’t help.

“Things are changing, Little One. I just want you to be prepared.” He was heading towards the door to my conscious, and I had no choice but to follow him.

“How do you expect me to be prepared, if you won’t tell me what I’m preparing for?” I demanded. Grabbing onto his sleeve in one more attempt I pleaded with him. “Why can’t you just tell me?”

Sighing, I knew he wanted to. I could see the strain on his face, the distress in his eyes. "What you can do to prepare, is to be strong.” Cupping my face in his hand, he smiled for me. I felt I owed it to him to smile back. The sun was coming over the horizon, and the door was widening.
“I promise, I’ll be strong. I won’t let you down.”
“I know you won’t.” His voice was fading away from me, and I was being pulled back into what most would cal the real world. What made a world real anyway? And what determined the realness? What made my world so different from his, and what made it possible for us connect, could it possibly be that our worlds were actually connected?
As I began to come around to the world of my reality, and I remembered that I had once again forgotten to ask for his name.
Damn it.

Hey Thealyn!

Here's my crit key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words I've inserted that I think work better
Blue = What I want to say but not in red
Let's do this thing!

Thealyn Rosewolf wrote:AN: So, this is a first draft, I don't doubt that I accidentally left out a word, messed up on grammar or spelling, but that's why I'm posting it. ^_^

Introduction

The fog was clearing as it always did, and he was there waiting for me, as he always was. I could see myself walking over to where he stood, but it felt more like floating, gliding even. He greeted me with a smile and a bow; I smiled back knowing it was no use to ask him not to. Bowing was his custom, and I was not about to try and interfere with it. And just like always insert comma we walked together, and talked together, things about his world, things about mine. It was a pleasant tradition, something I had grown to expect whenever I fell asleep. But it was nearing the dawn in my dream world, which meant dawn was nearing in my own world. We had found our way back to where we had begun, just like every night, and as I was about to say good-bye, something different happened. He stopped me. At first I was a bit divided about this intro, but the more I read the more I liked because it had a dream like quality to it. Maybe if you could make it seem a bit more surreal by describing the landscape or something that makes it different from her world, I think that could make it even better

“Darcy, be ready.”

“Be ready for what?” He sounded grim, [s]and I wasn’t sure as to why[/s]. I took him in as a whole. He was taller by several inches then I, a solid figure with broad shoulders and strong arms. His skin carried a dull tan, and I wasn’t sure where the credit was deserved. Was he a laborer, or was he exotic? He wouldn’t tell me. His crimson eyes would frighten most, but after years of companionship, they were a comfort to me. He was always dressed in breeches and tunic, his dark hair was kept at bay by a leather thong. Moving my eyes back to his face insert comma I began to pout, and headed back towards the lake that almost appeared out of nowhere. This part was a bit too abrupt. Slow the transition a little more There I studied my own reflection, I always looked so different in my dreams. Streaming chocolate locks encompassed my back and shoulders, my pale skin was graced with a milky glow. My eyes were deep midnight orbs, I almost preferred them to my real eyes. Moving to the side I couldn’t help but admire the violet dress I had appeared in that night, I considered it a vast improvement from the sunny yellow I had worn the last time we met. Looking back over my shoulder I frowned, and headed back up the steady slope. I didn’t have much time left. Taking his arm, I forced him to look at me. I was confused to as to why she walks to the river and back. It felt as though you were just using the water to describe what she looked like, which felt out of place. I would cut out that entire part and just keep going with this secret that he needs to tell her because the lake is a bit distracting

“Why won’t you tell me what’s on your mind? We’ve never kept secrets.” Turning to face me, he gently loosened my grasp. Resting his large hands on my slender shoulders made me feel so small next to him. Raising my chin to meet his eyes didn’t help.

“Things are changing, Little One. I just want you to be prepared.” He was heading towards the door to my conscious, and I had no choice but to follow him.

“How do you expect me to be prepared, if you won’t tell me what I’m preparing for?” I demanded. Grabbing onto his sleeve in one more attempt I pleaded with him. “Why can’t you just tell me?”

Sighing, I knew he wanted to. I could see the strain on his face, the distress in his eyes. "What you can do to prepare, is to be strong.” Cupping my face in his hand, he smiled for me. I felt I owed it to him to smile back. The sun was coming over the horizon, and the door was widening.
“I promise, I’ll be strong. I won’t let you down.”
“I know you won’t.” His voice was fading away from me, and I was being pulled back into what most would cal the real world. What made a world real anyway? And what determined the realness? What made my world so different from his, and what made it possible for us connect, could it possibly be that our worlds were actually connected?
As I began to come around to the world of my reality, and I remembered that I had once again forgotten to ask for his name.
Damn it.

Haha loved the ending!!!! It took on a whole new voice which I liked a lot better.

Overall: Cute introduction! I like the dream idea and how she has it every night.

Stuff to work on:

Wait, who is talking? : At times it was hard to follow your dialogue because you don't say who is saying what. I would insert dialogue tags like "I said" or "He said" just to clear up the confusion

Dreamy: I would make the first part more surreal. Just go all out on the dreamy quality of it all. Make everything much more unbelievable. Use description of the surroundings to help you and maybe describe the tone of his voice and the feel of his touch. Or even just tell us that even though you talk with him, you don't remember what you talk about. Something to make it more surreal.

Other than that, well done!

PM me if you have any questions!
-scasha

Then I studied my reflection,

That should be a semicolon.

Moving to the side I could help but admire

Moving to the side, I couldn't help...

That's about all I found grammatically.Overall, it gives me an impression of Tel-aren-rhihod from The Wheel of Time.

oooh this was goood... especially the beginning, nice way of deswcribing you are in a dream, and such, the next paragraph was ok, not as good as the first, good stuff

Wow, this is a very interesting piece! I like the beginning and the ending a lot, but one thing I noticed is that you have very big paragraphs so it gets hard to read. Breaking it up would help.

Thealyn Rosewolf wrote: The fog was clearing as it always did, and he was there waiting for me, as he always was. I could see myself walking over to where he stood, Stop. You could see yourself? Does that mean that you were looking down on yourself, or what? but it felt more like floating, gliding even. He greeted me with a smile and a bow, Use a period or a semicolon instead of a comma. I smiled back knowing it was no use to ask him not to. Bowing was his custom, and I was not about to try and to interfere with it. And just like always we walked together, and talked together, things about his world, things about mine. Is it just me, or does the comma placement there make that sentence sound a little... strange? It was a pleasant tradition, something I had grown to expect whenever I fell asleep. But it was nearing the dawn in my dream world, which meant dawn was nearing in my own world. We had found our way back to where we had begun, just like every night, and but as I was about to say good-bye, something different happened. He stopped me.

Ok, look at the paragraph below. You start with a bold statement, and then your character asks a question about it. Then you describe what the man looks like. Maybe you should say more about what Darcy's reaction to "Be ready" instead of describing looks. That can come later, or earlier.

“Darcy, be ready.”

“Be ready for what?” He sounded grim, and I wasn’t sure as to why. I took him in as a whole. He was taller by several inches then I, a solid figure with broad shoulders and strong arms. His skin carried a dull tan, and I wasn’t sure where the credit was deserved. Was he a laborer, or was he exotic? He wouldn’t tell me. His crimson eyes would frighten most, but after years of companionship, they were a comfort. He was always dressed in beeches and tunic, his dark hair was kept at bay by a leather thong. Moving my eyes back to his face I began to pout, and head back towards the lake that almost appeared out of nowhere. There I studied my own reflection, I always looked so different in my dreams. Streaming chocolate locks encompassed my back and shoulders, my pale skin was graced with a milky glow. My eyes were deep midnight orbs, I almost preferred them to my real eyes. Moving to the side I couldn’t help but admire the violet dress I had appeared in that night, I considered it a vast improvement from the sunny yellow I had worn the last time we met. Looking back over my shoulder I frowned, and head back up the steady slope. I didn’t have much time left. Taking his arm, I forced him to look at me.

“Why won’t you tell me what’s on your mind? We’ve never kept secrets.” Turning to face me, he wasn't already facing you? he gently loosened my grasp. Resting his large hands on my slender shoulders made me feel so small next to him. Raising my chin to meet his eyes didn’t help.

“Things are changing, Little One. I just want you to be prepared.” He was heading towards the door to my conscious, and I had no choice but to follow him. Door? What door? Or is this a metaphor?

“How do you expect me to be prepared, if you won’t tell me what I’m preparing for?” I demanded. Grabbing onto his sleeve in one more attempt I pleaded with him. That sentence didn't sound right. “Why can’t you just tell me?”

Sighing, I knew he wanted to. Who sighed? You or him? I could see the strain on his face, the distress in his eyes. "What you can do to prepare, is to be strong.” Cupping my face in his hand, he smiled for me. I felt I owed it to him to smile back. The sun was coming over the horizon, and the door was widening.
“I promise, I’ll be strong. I won’t let you down.”
“I know you won’t.” His voice was fading away from me, and I was being pulled back into what most would call. the real world. What made a world real anyway? And what determined the realness? What made my world so different from his, and what made it possible for us connect, could it possibly be that our worlds were actually connected?
As I began to come around to the world of my reality, and I remembered that I had once again forgotten to ask for his name.
Damn it. Ha, this is an amazing ending. Hilarious!

I wanted to thank everyone for reviewing my Intro. Everyone has been a big help, so again, thank you.

I did want to just let everyone know one more time that this a first draft, and right now I'm just trying to write the story-serious editing will come later, but I do appreciate all of your ideas, and your questions, and for pointing out where things aren't very clear.

Cocoboy-about the door, it was supposed to be a metaphor. If I decide to change it, I'll put in a short description.

Thanks again everyone!!!

~Thealyn

P.S. Chapter One will be coming soon.

Okay, good story. I liked it a lot. I especially liked how it was a dream

Some editing::

--Looking back over my shoulder I frowned, and head back up the steady slope.
~Shouldn't this be headed*?

--Grabbing onto his sleeve in one more attempt I pleaded with him.
~Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't it make more sense if you say 'in one more to plead with him?'

--Resting his large hands on my slender shoulders made me feel so small next to him.
~'He rested his large hands on my slender shoulders, making me feel smaller then I was.' ....maybe?

--Raising my chin to meet his eyes didn’t help.
~Didn't help what?

--What made my world so different from his, and what made it possible for us connect, could it possibly be that our worlds were actually connected?
~I would change it to: 'What made my world so different from his, and what made it possible for us to connect? Could it be that our worlds were connected in some way?' The second possible/y is too much to me..


All in all, I really like it. I think it has some good potential. Hope to read more

I'll probably just be repeating some stuff, but I"ll give you a review anyways

I could see myself walking over to where he stood, but it felt more like floating, gliding even.

With this sentence I could see how people got lost. It takes a very open minded reader to realize you are dreaming. I am going to commend you on your excellent use of grammatical pretense. In the beginning sentence you mentioned fog; an intent reader will easily notice that the "fog" could also symbolize the beginning of a dream, not actually the real thing. You opened the story up perfectly.

He greeted me with a smile and a bow, I smiled back knowing it was no use to ask him not to.

I myself would change the comma after; "He greeted me with a smile and a bow..." to a period. In my own incomprehensible mind, it flows better.

And just like always we walked together, and talked together, things about his world, things about mine.

Never ever, ever, ever, ever start a sentence with "And" or "But" unless you are in dialog. Take it out and viola, your sentence still works! Oh, and also take out the comma after; "...walked together...".

It was a pleasant tradition, something I had grown to expect whenever I fell asleep, but it was nearing [s]the[/s] dawn in my dream world, which meant dawn was nearing in my own world.

Okay, there is a very simple fix to this one. The bold text in the quote is stuff I changed, and the strike through text is stuff I think should be taken out.

He was always dressed in beeches and tunic, his dark hair was kept at bay by a leather thong.

Just simply make it "breeches"

? What made my world so different from his, and what made it possible for us connect? Could it possibly be that our worlds were actually connected?

As I began to come around to the world of my reality, and I remembered that I had once again forgotten to ask for his name.
Damn it.

Excellent ending! It made me giggle