The Artist Gets a Compliment

The picture looks like this:
it is flat and rectangular and
it depicts a man (clean-shaven) and a woman,
corset on, walking together in a swirl of leaves.
You cannot see their faces, but the critics
hail it as a modern masterpiece, saying that
Art has been achieved.

The woman, they argue, is a faceless slave
and the man much the same, except he doesn't know
since he walks with such authority that
he believes he has started a war so that leaves
tumble about like seagulls in a hurricane.
His hands are stuffed in his pockets and hers
curve around his arms
drawing him closer to her breasts
as he pulls away.

She wants him, she needs him, but it is clear that her lips,
unknown to the picture, do not know how to say this.
Instead, her face, tilted to his, waits for his word,
oblivious to the golden leaves that flurry around her
whispering her on.

And he notices nothing. He is
just a man, imprisoned by leaves, waiting for them to fall so that
life can go on. His indistinguishable face is turned to the sky
and his shoulders are so tense that
he might be crying (or holding back a scream).

And I wonder, as gold falls from above,
why pictures say so little.

Hey Oink Oink!

This was a lovely poem and I didn't see anything wrong. Usually I don't like poems that don't rhyme but this was beautiful and it deserves a gold star!

Favorite Part:

And he notices nothing. He is
just a man, imprisoned by leaves, waiting them to fall so that
life can go on. His indistinguishable face is turned to the sky
and his shoulders are so tense that
he might be crying (or holding back a scream).

And I wonder, as gold falls from above,
why pictures say so little.

Keep writing and great job!!

~Angel

Wow, I loved it. Great Job!

Hello Snoink!
I have to say, I really enjoyed this poem. There was something beautiful about it concealed between the words.


The picture looks like this:
it is flat and rectangular and
it depicts a man (clean-shaven) and a woman,
corset on, walking together in a swirl of leaves.
You cannot see their faces, but the critics
hail it as a modern masterpiece, saying that
Art has been achieved.

First verse - I like the fact that you started off very simply, stating that, "The picture looks like this." It shows the reader that you're not going to beat about the bush but are simply going to tell them straight-forwardly: this is what I have in my mind's eye. It brings the reader on a similar wave-length to the writer (or at least brings them to believe they are), and it automatically encourages empathy, even though they have no idea what the poem is going to be about.

'Clean-shaven' and 'corset on' - I like the fact that you have included tiny details like this abut each of the people depicted in the picture - you haven't described everything about them, but just included two aspects of them, visually. I liked it.

'hail it as a modern masterpiece' - I'm not sure. For me this would fit more into the rhythm if you ditched the 'modern,' but maybe that's just me bluntly missing the point. ^_^

The woman, they argue, is a faceless slave
and the man much the same, except he doesn't know
since he walks with such authority that
he believes he has started a war

Wow. This was really, really beautiful. The fact that the woman is 'a faceless slave' and ditto the man apart from the fact that he doesn't acknowledge it due to his attitidude. I don't know, it was just so insightful. It could be read as something simple and left at that; but there's so much meaning in between the lines, to coin a phrase. Wonderful.

so that the leaves
tumble about like seagulls in a hurricane.

This was a very nice image; and not an over-used, tired-to-death one like so many other images in poetry.

His hands are stuffed in his pockets and hers
curve around his arms
drawing him closer to her breasts
as he pulls away.

This is a very lonely, despairing effect you're conveying to the reader here, it demonstrates the sadness of the picture and the distance between the two characters despite their physical closeness.

She wants him, she needs him, but it is clear that her lips,
unknown to the picture, do not know how to say this.
Instead, her face, tilted to his, waits for his word,
oblivious to the golden leaves that flurry around her
whispering her on.

This was possibly the most emotional verse in the chapter; instead of concealing their feelings through description this outpour of feelings suddenly comes out; it hits the reader bang in the face and makes them sympathize, no - empathize with the woman in the painting. This was all beautifully, cleverly controlled.

And he notices nothing. He is
just a man, imprisoned by leaves, waiting them to fall so that
life can go on.

This was a truly heart-breaking image.

And I wonder, as gold falls from above,
why pictures say so little.

That, in turn, was a hauntingly beautiful line you chose to finish with. It contradicts the popular, annoying saying that, 'a picture says a thousand words,' and you choose to say that in fact, you can barely ever interpret pictures. You had to put the meaning of the picture into words for it to truly mean something; I like this fact.

I have been terribly unhelpful. *apologises* I genuinely couldn't find anything wrong with it.

Please keep writing poetry, it's a joy to read.

Sarah
xxx

Thanks for all your comments! I fixed a horrible typo, so it should be somewhat cleaner now...

Snoink!

Okay, well, I kinda stink at poetry. A lot. So I'm really not helpful here in the least... but I'll give it a shot? *Cringes*

One rewording suggestion:

The picture looks like this:
it is flat and rectangular and
it depicts a man (clean-shaven) and a woman,

It bothers me how you say 'it looks like this, it is...'. I just read that together, and even with a pause it sounds off to me. I'd suggest:

The picture looks like this:
Flat and rectangular,
with a man (clean-shaven) and a woman,

Just seems to flow into the poem a bit better, in my opinion.

And then at the end...

And I wonder, as gold falls from above,
why pictures say so little.

Who is 'I'? The fact that I don't know this person bothers me. Also, does gold fall in real life or in the picture? 'cause you just said it was still in the picture...

Is 'I' the artist?

Eh... I fail at poetry?

But the description of the art was beautiful.

~JFW1415

I loved all the imagery, but seeing as my brain is so small, the ending sentence, the bit that drew all the beautiful woven bits of string together...

...I didn't understand. *laughs*

It's nice, though. I like the way you kept going back to the leaves - it gave you an anchor to fall back on, something to, I dunno, compare both their emotions to. The way that both figures appear to "relate" to them differently...

...and I'm going off on another tangent. Well, whatever. Gold starz for you. ^_^

I really liked this poem, Snoink.
I wonder too why pictures say so little. But I think what pictures do is they capture one moment. Sure, lots of things can be going on in this picture. The picture itself only shows you what it is, it's really up to you to see it the way you want to see it. That is why they say a picture is worth a thousand words.
The picture itself doesn't show you a thousand words if you just look at it the way it shows itself, a thousand words are within it because you make those words come from it. Pictures speak the words that you already know. It's all you, not the picture. The picture presents it self, allowing you to find the pieces of it in your own mind. I think that we really create the story that goes with the picture if we make the image a live one.