Deeply Cut!

Her cackle would light up my day,
So did the shine in her eye.
I never thought our relationship
Would be ruined for a guy.

When everyone else turned their backs
Her single finger wiped off my tear.
Even over the phone, she worked her magic
And vanished each and every fear.

He swept her away, she readily went
And I roamed aimlessly trying to fit in.
I realized that she was my only friend,
She was the only won I had to win.

All those sleepovers and prank calls
Played over and over in my mind.
How couldn’t she ever see me?
I guess it’s true – love is blind.

While I was lost in the vain memories,
She created new ones with her guy.
I never told her how I fought my tears,
Always hid my pain behind a lie.

I forgave her for everything she did;
For every single of my groan but
Nothing can ever heal the pain
Of the wound that is deeply cut.

Hello again, fun4eva. Haven't seen you in a while!

Okay. I think this was an all right one, but I really feel like I've heard all of this before. There are quite a bit clichéed and worn out things, like

a bunch of lies.

and

My heart was shattered into pieces

I know that you've probably really felt bad and everything, but telling about it with used lines just makes it seem blah, like whatever, which I know that it isn't. The situation you've gone through must have felt horrible, but the thing is, you've got to make us feel that, too. Make our hearts "shatter into pieces" by really getting into the subject and showing the emotions. Right now, you didn't quite succeed in that.

So, if you like, you can PM me after you've edited the poem a bit and I can review it again. Use all the senses you have when you're editing it.

See you!

Demeter xxx

Hum... interesting. It really hurts when a friend lets you off like that, doesn't it?
Anyway, I liked it. it flow well and rhymes were good. I didn't find any grammar mistakes (but I'm not english so something could have slipped) and I agree in some aspects with Demeter. Good poem over all, but you can make it better. Keep writing!

While I understand the feeling, I have to agree with Demeter. I rather liked the first two lines, but a lot of it was cliche and/or just plain blah. I didn't really care. Make me care. Add interesting imagery, show how tight you were before, how he swept her away, how she hurt you. Make this unique, and it could be really awesome. I'd suggest ditching the rhyme, it makes you do some odd things with words. Keep writing!

It was nicely written and great to read, but I have to say the topic is too cliche, people, well, they wont care about what you're writing about. You have to make the reader feel what you felt, make 'em feel the pain. You could make the wording so the topic isn't exactly clear, write about the feelings exhibited, use imagery and really explain how much you loved your best friend. I liked your writing and I think that would come out beautifully.

I agree as well its been said and done but I feel like you can add something more to this poem? dunno nice read though keep at it

Wow. I thought that this was a very good peice and it sums up every guys feelings of a girl when he watches her fall and someone catches her before they do. This was very deep and inspiring. Riddle me this though. How did you write this and you are a girl....I could do that, but still. You acted as if you were the real guy. You maded it seem as if these were your feelings. Not someones that you were pretending to be. Again, very well written and great job. Keep writing!

Wow! That is an amazing piece. You guys and gal's on here have some serious talent. I'm so happy to be apart of this society and get to fellowship with such awesome writers. Way to go!

Thank you everyone!
Sure, I'll work on everything that you've said and I appreciate it...thanks again...I'll edit it soon!

Nit-pick time!

Her cackle would light up my day

Cackle makes me think of and unfriendly laugh. Why don’t you go with something like “chortle”?

Would be ruined for a guy.

Did you mean “by” instead of “for”?

She was the only won I had to win

.
I think it’s “one”.

How couldn’t she ever see me?

That “how” is out of place. Is it supposed to be “even”?

For every single of my groan but

I don’t know what you where trying to say, But I just got rid of “of my”.

Rhythm Issues:

Her [s]single[/s] finger wiped [s]off[/s] my tear.

And I roamed [s]aimlessly[/s] trying to fit in.

She was the only won [s]I had[/s] to win.

While I was lost in [s]the vain[/s] memories,

[s]Always[/s] Or hid my pain behind a lie.

Of the wound that [s]i[/s]'s deeply cut.

Other Things:

Even over the phone, she worked her magic

That bit doesn’t sound right to me.

Over all, this is a very good poem! Even though the “betrayal” poem is a little over used, I still liked it. Keep up the good work!:)
-Y

Wow, that was an amazingly emotional poem. Especially for someone who is just 14.

When everyone else turned their backs
Her single finger wiped off my tear.
Even over the phone, she worked her magic
And vanished each and every fear.

He swept her away, she readily went
And I roamed aimlessly trying to fit in.
I realized that she was my only friend,
She was the only won I had to win.

I forgave her for everything she did;
For every single of my groan but
Nothing can ever heal the pain
Of the wound that is deeply cut.

Those are my favorite stanzas, they're the ones that really make the poem in my opinion. The rhyming is perfect, and the story is very well told.