City Skies - Part One

Hay.
Just to let you all know this the first short story I've written in months. So its terrible...
Enjoy ^.^
***

"Roxy, get outta there!" I snapped irritably.

Roxys head shot up from a mound of snow. Her velvety black ears shifted to the side as she peered cautiously around the bend of lawn.

"Roxy!" Clapping my hands, I motioned for her to come.

Her chocolate eyes remained fixed on an approaching man. She stood there, her long fuzzy legs slightly bent in anticipation, she wagged her tail faintly, bobbing her head to sniff the crisp air. Bubba glared at her impatiently, his stubby legs planted gingerly in the snow. He breathed out loudly licking his lips. Roxy still didn't budge, her cheeks inflated as she began a loud and terribly annoying barking frenzy.

"Its not Jonny." I said flatly stepping towards her, "Now lets get going, Bubbas' freezing his nuts off." I chuckled, "Can't blame him, so close to the ground."

She stiffly padded out of the garden and towards me. Letting a muffled growl pass her teeth. Her long jagged claws lightly scraping the ice. We began to walk, the snow had come down heavy last night. And it was just perfect for snowballs. It squeaked and crunched contentedly under my shoes.

After several more stops we reached the edge of the park. It was a large dip in the ground, surrounded by thin trees and the depressing highway.
The sky was a drowned out white, quite boring. But the naked --leafless-- trees cracked around the edges of the park made it look almost as if the grey of the city was bleeding into the sky. The urgent tug of Bubbas leash reminded me to let him free. I bent down and unclipped the cheap metal clasp around his neck and watched him prance down behind Roxy, his sausage shaped body disappearing into the fluffy snow. There where a few other people in the park, chatting leisurely with each other. They never took their eyes away from their dogs though. Occasionally rushing forwards to break up a fight or shove them away from some chicken bones or something gross. I took one last look up at the sky, I pursed my lips as I tried to blink away my tears. It wasn't like me to cry, but sometimes it just boiled over. It hurt to swallow, and I really didn't want to face the people at the bottom of the hill. I sat down, my ass froze instantly but I couldn't care less. I checked for the dogs, quickly finding them both. Roxy stood tall amongst the rest, her tail held high in dominance as she monitored the other dogs play. Bubba on the other hand wasnt the least bit interested in the dogs, he stood over by the group of people, wagging his curled tail. He was mooching up for food.

"Fuck..." I closed my eyes a let my head fall onto my arms.

***
more coming soon

Hello Vivi. I believe I did said that I would help you out a bit to get you back on track.

Anyways, you need to make it more clear to the reader as to who's Roxy and Bubba. You can just simply state it that they are animals at the start, there's nothing wrong with giving the reader an indication as to where this is heading.

Now for the crunch. The reason as to why you think this piece isn't good is because there isn't any conflict here. It's just the narrator walking their pets and describing as to what she sees along the way. My homework for you is to think up of a conflict and tailor what you have right now into it. At least there will be an actual point in the piece if you do that.

What you have here is a good starting point for what could be a strong piece. You just need to expand your ideas out. For starters, why is the narrator walking with her pets? What does the narrator think of her pets? What about the city sky, how does that have influence on the narrator and what's happening?

Worry about answering those questions as well as including conflict in the piece. Then you can worry about making it better.

Good luck.
Andy.

Squall has a point. This piece is well-written, but there wasn't any real point in this short story.

There really isn't anything to say. It was a simple thing to read, but it has no interest and was bland because there was no reaosn behind it.

I apologise if I am being harsh, maybe you wrote this to practice, but try putting a plot into the story.

Have a nice day.
Azrael

Andy:

you need to make it more clear to the reader as to who's Roxy and Bubba

Yea that makes sense.
I will try to make that a little more clear.

My homework for you is to think up of a conflict and tailor what you have right now into it.

Homework?!
*shudders*
Can we call it something else?

Hmm, I'll give it a try =]

Okey, thanks Andy!

Light_Devil:

This piece is well-written, but there wasn't any real point in this short story.

Yea. I'm not really done yet. But I get what you're saying.

I apologise if I am being harsh, maybe you wrote this to practice, but try putting a plot into the story.

No, the reason I posted this hear was so I could get feedback from you guys.
I seriously expected worse
And I will be trying to put a plot in the somehow.
Thanks!

I thought that this was very cute! (But you know me. I think that everything is cute!)

My favorite part was this:

But the naked --leafless-- trees cracked around the edges of the park made it look almost as if the grey of the city was bleeding into the sky.

I thought that was a very descriptive line and it was the best sentence in the whole little story. I liked how you just let us try to figure out who Bubba and Roxy were. After I reached the part were it explained about her ears and eyes then I realized that Bubba and Roxy were dogs! Great job. I thought that was cool how you let us just stretch our imaginations. But you do need a plot for this story. I think that this would make a very good beginning-leading into- part of the story.

Thank you Whispering Rain
Im glad you liked it.
Yes, I am working on a plot.

Okay so this is good, but erm, Bubba + Roxy are dogs right? You need to let us know who is what and who is who because it was all very confusing.

Bubba is freezing her nuts off

HUH? Bubba? Her nuts? Then it's:

Can't blame him, so close to the ground

Bubba still? Er?

Also decide on the sex of the dogs. You change it way tooooo much.

Good effort though.

Ooh, my bad. Bubba is definitely a boy

Ahah, don't worry. Its not over yet, I just didn't feel like writing anymore today... so I stopped there for now.

thanks.