Pain

I know that I only write depressing poems, but I don't know how to write happy ones. Or ones that are fluttered with flowers. So sorry about that, but you wouldn't like my poems if they were lies would you?

Rolling around in my bed
Balled up in a circle
And clutching my head.

Confusion's filling me up
All of these thoughts are forcing their way to the top
I can't handle this.

Tears flowing down my face
Salt water burning my cuts
How is this happening.

Is this another episode
Something caught in my brain
Someone stop all of this.

I'm screaming so loud I shake the world
Momma's crying because she can't stop it
How can I ask her to when she's holding me crying?

Stop all this pain!
Dear Lord stop this pain!
I can't live with this anymore.

But my cries are not heard
Another day do I cry
This throbbing sensation is destroying me
Never will I be free.

From my pain.

Tell me what you think, because this one HAS to be perfect.

Why, there's nothing at all wrong with depressing poems. You've just got to do them convincingly!

The main problem I see with this poem is that it dwells on emotion and doesn't give the reader anything concrete. It's like when you're in a dream and you trip over a crack in the sidewalk, and you inexplicably fall into a deep dark hole. At least, that's always what happens in my dreams. It doesn't make sense; why am I falling into the hole? All I did was trip in the sidewalk. In real life I would only get the freaky, "I'm falling and I'm gonna die" feeling if I had stepped out of a plane with no parachute.

In a sad poem you've got to explain WHY the speaker is falling into an emotional deep dark hole--or better yet, lead the reader to the door of the plane and gently push. Set up the reader so he can really understand what's with all the sadness.

For example:

Confusion's filling me up
All of these thoughts are forcing their way to the top
I can't handle this.

To a reader, this stanza is like, "So?" While the speaker is probably trying to explain a painful and frustrating state of mind, the explanation is unsuccessful. It's hard to describe emotions. Try telling a four-year-old what it feels like to lose romantic love. Or, in this context, try telling a reader what it feels like to be confused and depressed and angry and pained because of whatever happened to cause those emotions.

It's very difficult to be persuasive when speaking in the abstract. If I say, "Deliciousness fills my mouth," you say, "Congratulations," and walk away. But if I say, "I'm eating some of my grandmother's pumpkin pie," you say, "Holy crow, that sounds really good, can I have a piece?" and your mouth waters and naturally, I hand you a piece of the pie. The latter scenario is much more effective in terms of conveying pie enjoyment. Similarly, giving your reader some context and SHOWING not TELLING him why the story is a poignant one will be much more effective in terms of conveying the emotions discussed here.

I'm screaming so loud I shake the world
Momma's crying because she can't stop it
How can I ask her to when she's holding me crying?

This stanza is an improvement because it brings us into the real world. It introduces human contact, human action. It happens outside the speaker's mind; it happens outside the abstract, yet it implies complex abstract emotion.

Here's a poem I think embodies a lot of what I'm talking about. It's a poem about grief in which the feelings of shock and sadness are expressed in a straightforward and very concrete way, yet the sense of almost unbearable pain comes through:

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W. H. Auden

Best of luck!
Colleen

Ok... I love depressed feelings poems! I write too. I mean if I feel this way how can I write happy poems if I'm sad? Anyway, this isn't about me! It's about you and this poem...
I liked it! But I agree on some things with Cade. It's confusing and a bit unbelievable by the reader unless he has been there. I read this poems very often and I'm really not a good reviewer because as I've felt some things on these poems I immediately get it. But a cheerful person can't know what you're talking about. The purpose of a poem is to transmit or tell a story to someone, to any kind of people. At least I think it is Anyway I liked it, but still think you should go with Cade advises

Nice tribute to Emily I also know some ppl that have cancer. Sometimes you just have to let it out. I agree as well with everyone above youre being to vague not that its a bad thing but some people may get confused throughout the poem. Other than that amazing job the emotion rings true. Keep it up!

You are telling and not showing. Poetry is not about telling people emotions. It's about showing them. You can't just tell people your sad you have find some way to convey your emotions through universal means. Poetry is universal, that's why it continues to exist. Adjectives, metaphors, similies, and other literary constructions are needed to make poems extend towards all people. Consider tone, and structure, why would you use a sing song rhyming pattern for a serious poem about a loss? You tell us you're sad, but you never say why, you never tell us how the sadness makes you feel (you can be sad, but for me sadness is that dull ache, that numbness to the world as if you were laying at the bottom of a swamp--the world somehow seems muddier, dirty, unclean). Really, this poem isn't perfect. It could use a lot of work NOT BECAUSE IT'S SAD, but because it lacks everything that makes a poem. Sure, you structured it somewhat like a poem, but you don't use any of it's elements.

Poetry is about concentration, concentrate everything you were feeling in that poem in a way that everyone will understand it specifically use images. If I told you "I'm really cool. I'm awesome. I'm nice. Everyone loves and needs me and I am a really confident person" would would get the same effect in a poem if I wrote
"Baby, I'm the Sun."
So use all that wordplay I know you have to your advantage, and keep moving forward or I'll step on your heels.

-YATTA!

OKay...thanks....