friendship bracelet

The Friendship Bracelet around my wrist.
It's cutting off my circulation.
The words no and stop
mean nothing to you.
My words never seem to enter your head
because the shield of smoke encircles your face.
My hands are bare, and strong, and there.
You push them aside
and pretend that if I am not with you
I won't see what was happening.
But I know. I've known all along it was you.
With the hidden cans, the needles in the waste paper basket,
and the fans always blowing 'cause your room reeks of smoke.
Then when your parents arrive, instead of acting high,
you pretend to be sleeping and they never ask why.
And Then when ever I call you up, you always say you're were too busy.
Too busy for me? Your Best Friend Forever.
We used to say till the end but that might be sooner than expected.

I thought this was good. It was real feeling thrown out in a poetic format. Its almost like reading this, put me inside the characters head(whether it was you, or made up).
"You just do, do, do, do!"
This is something everyone once in while say's inside there head. Repetition.
The ending was gooood. Sounds like he said a few things that he didnt live up to.

"With the hidden cans,

and for the awful smell, you had those load fans."

This line i was a bit confused. Hidden cans of chew right?
And aweful smell of what? Load fans? Enlighten me because I'm not sure what that is.

Hello, Caroline.

The Friendship bracelet around my wrist

its cutting off my circulation.

The words noand stop

mean nothing to you.

Is there a reason why the "friendship" is capitalized? Also, it should be "it's", not "its", because "its" is the genitive form for "it" and "it's" is the short for "it is". And I know that it's what you meant.
Remember also to hit the space between "no" and "stop". I felt that you're just telling us the story, but you should also use your senses. Could you say this differently, showing us the meaning instead of telling it?

You just do, do, do, do!

No, no, no, no! I'm not a fan of this kind of repetition. It just gives me headaches. Besides that it doesn't look that nice. Again, it's the telling, not the showing.

My hands were bare, and strong, and there.

I somehow liked this line. It's nice how you describe the hands and then say they were there [for the other one, I suppose]. I can't explain it, but I liked it.

To busy for me? Your Best Friend Forever and till the end?

It's "too busy". I liked that you connected the last line with the first one, with the "Best Friend Forever" thing. However, I think you should really think what are you trying to say with this poem. When you give it a good thought, I think you'll find some deep, meaningful things that you just have to add to this poem, and thus, make it greater.

You don't want people to say to you all the time, "Your poem was okay, but it didn't change my world." Because unfortunately, even though with some good pieces in your poem, I'm going to say exactly that. Keep writing, though (and thinking what you write!). I'll see you.


Demeter xxx

Well, hello again! *pokes around to see the new edited version*

Hey, this was much better! Nice job! A few nit-picks, though:

To busy

It should be "too", with two o's.

We use to say

It should be "used", I think, because "use to say" sounds a bit off. Or is that the present tense? I've never seen it being used.

My words never seem to enter your head

because the force field of smoke encircles your face.

This is better. You can do it!


I liked the last line, again – although I also liked it before editing.

I thought this was really good. You can really see everything you described clearly. It all flowed smoothly except one part:

With the hidden cans, the needles in the waste paper basket,

Waste paper basket just seems like too much, maybe just Waste basket? Not really sure, but it was the only thing my head tripped over, haha.

I really thought this was lovely none-the-less, great work!

Wow! That was really good! You definetly got your message across and had a pure meaning. You really poured your heart into that piece and I connected with you like a reader is suppose to with the writer. You have a remarkable talent and your detail was vivid. I think in order to make the poem a little bit more better and explosive. You should include more feelings of disgust, pain, hate, and confusion in relation to the experience you went through. These emotions will explode off the page to the reader and stand out like a tiny light in the mist of darkness. Really good poem though!

I understand your poem a lot better now and the message is clear-cut and to the point in unique way. I like it much better then before. Good Job!

Seems like you've already had a lot of constructive criticism, and I agree the poem is very interesting. I'm not usually a fan of less subtle poetry from a personal perspective, but this was good, especially the structure.

However, there was one 'stanza' that I thought could be edited:

Then when your parents arrive. Instead of acting high,

you pretend to be sleeping and they never ask why.

And Then when ever I called you up you always said you were too busy.

The phrase 'Then when your parents arrive' seems to through the poem off a bit, maybe you could just remove the word 'when', it might make it a bit more fluent.

Then the sentence 'And Then when ever I called you up you always said you were too busy.' just seems to be another mouthful, maybe could be changed to 'And when I called you, you always claimed to be busy'.

Good work

Bonjour; je m'appelle Mnesomeye, and I will be tearing apart your poem today. *smirks*

(I don't mean any harm - but when I see something good, I just can't help myself...)

I'm going to try something different here. I usually review work this way - I quote something, and then I give it praise, or constructive critisism and a suggestion on how to make it better. However, this time my comments involve the entire piece. As in - if I quote something, I'll need a quote from an entirely different section to prove my point.

So what I'm going to do it this. I'm going to copy and paste your entire poem, and then write underneath. You'll see what I mean as I go.

The Friendship bracelet around my wrist.
Add a semi colon here - the friendship bracelet around my wrist;
Also, I think that if you've capitalised the word 'Friendship' for effect, then the word 'Bracelet' should be capitalised, too.

It's cutting off my circulation.
Powerful.

The words no and stop

mean nothing to you.

My words never seem to enter your head

because the force field of smoke encircles your face.
The word force field sticks out like an icicle for me. It really, really doesn't go. I've added a few suggestions to the example below:
because the fog/haze/shield of smoke encircles your face.

My hands were bare, and strong, and there.
Perfect - but due to the context that it's in, this needs to be in the present tense.
My hands are bare, and strong, and there.

You push them aside

and pretend that if I was not with you
and pretend that if I am not with you

then I wouldn't see what was happening.
I won't see what is happening. The 'then' is just sort of tagging along on this line.

But I knew. I knew all along it was you.
But I know. I've known all along it was you.

With the hidden cans, the needles in the waste paper basket,

and the fans always blowing 'cause your room smells of smoke.
This is good - you can leave it as is. But you might want to consider 'upgrading' the word smells. "Stinks" or "reeks" are both pretty good words, which pack more of a punch in the same number of letters.

Then when your parents arrive. Instead of acting high,
The full stop here is a little un-necessary, and ruins the pace you've got going.
Then, when your parents arrive, instead of acting high,

you pretend to be sleeping and they never ask why.

And Then when ever I called you up you always said you were too busy.
Is 'then' supposed to be capitalised? It looks a little mysterious to me. This appears to be part of the last phrase because it has 'and' at the front - therefore, I think it might fare better in the present tense.
And then whenever I call you up, you always say you're too busy.

To busy for me? Your Best Friend Forever.
This has already been mentioned, but that 'to' is supposed to be a "too". It's just a typo on your part - no sweat.

We used to say till the end but that might be sooner than expected.
I love that last line - chilling, and ties all the loose ends together with a double knot. *laughs*

Still - this is a really good poem, and please don't be offended by my thorough review. I only scrutinise things that appear perfect first time round - I want to iron every single kink out to give it the title of perfection that it deserves. *grins*