In Tribute to Harry Crosby: The Mad Queen's Forever Fever

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(Note: PLEASE READ. Have noticed, on this site, that certain members continue to perpetuated a dogmatic institution and impression upon poetry without knowledge of WHY, thus it's dogmatism. Do NOT tell me to capitalize the beginning of every line and do NOT justify such blatant sheeplike behavior with "But, that's what my teacher told me to do" or "But, that IS correct form". Correct form? ... So ... dumb.)



I sun I
in curled lips
watched passions die
to steambent drips
round an engine,
like a Christ.
Perpetual motion
dies to vice

versa Versailles
amongst the men
I had dreamt
round times bend.
I had welt
a golden friend
couldn’t caress
nor court the end

Sun I Sun
upon dials of blood
vials of filth
and bathes of mud,
I would watch
the ticks fry
lonesome together,
drunk but dry.

“Cold”, they’d call me
though I reigned fire
from smoke filled towers
and hellbent pyres
eversearching,
to I they fly,
burnt but torching
in Icarus’s eye

I Sun I
wrapped in hivemind
turned back the bodies
encased in fine pine
refused the mummies
embalmed in fresh lye
and swallowed their pupils
to show them they’re blind

with life death
fear and fame,
cursed language
existence mundane.
To fire and light
the taste of butane
is mockery,
ghostly, and manmade

Sun I Sun
dissections deception
bled smoke to the most
meaningless chatter,
parasitic host
to secular perception.
Clogged throats, hungry for air
they toke and they
toke, scraped and bare.

So spun the noose
knit in steel
braided in ruse
cold and real
stitched in carbon
and hearts that feel
naked, without meal.

I Sun I
when passion’s lips
blow a steam Christ kiss
it drips to engines than tick
perpetual vice grips
crying, “motion can’t die, cause time don’t slip.”

Versa friends in men
amongst Versaille’s alley ends
who’d tripped round unhappy bends,
dreamt time’s golden hen,
welding holes in carbon, realities end
ditched the corpse to date her friend

Sun I sun.
Vials of blood held high in limelight
bathed in ticks to burn that wick
to the core, past the veins
leaving a lonesome corpse, tried and hanged

cold in fire, charred at home
let the liar smoke to the bone
amongst the towering pyres he’d built
drier and drier, the cavities crumble then wilt (in search)
of the eyes they had torched (since birth)

Sun I sun
turned the hivemind, back
to the fleshy wrappings, veiny trappings
stretched round some marrow easel (red with fever)
pupils coloring the canvas vibrant grays,
a cheap charade swallowed by the blind parade

to mimic the entropic wolves
held at bay by a god of fear
and martyrdom’s fame
and now they cry “My Son,
I am chained! With these
mundane butane shadows of eternity
I’ve made”

a

Sun (I sun)
bled deception into smoke’s dissection
the parasitic clatter of infectious chatter
set fire to soul, “But ablaze we soar higher!”
claimed a host of blood caked throats
choking down their daily dose in tokes of
sunparched air

so spin the nooses in all (all in) our heads
in reels of ruse, in bed (im
bedded) with our granite cocks and carbon truths
Ra’s steelspun glocks
turned skyward, set loose

and like a bullet to a bird’s head,
birdbrained from shitfed
leechlike laxitives,
from our asses we bled
like ashes to ashes, a lung and a drum
those circular retnas had only begun
to notice feet travel where they are, from
ashes to ashes we all fall
down –
- drowned

by I sun I sun I sun
glowed brightest in humanities nicotine stained gums
the will to fill our inhale-ex drill
twas a practice test, meshed in pills grilled
on a pseudofed stake, gambled (and lost)
we waged a war for peace and suicide
because all fire burns to die (a self-sustained cost)

…and upon the cross…

I Sun
Sun I
I Sun

“My only son, what have I done?”




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Points 4038
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Pwetty pwease?
You know how dumb the average guy is, right? Well, mathematically, by definition, half of them are even dumber than that.
JR ‘Bob’ Dobbs

TW's Red Cross Blue Shield. A CRITIQUE FOR EVERY YWSIAN!




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It seems like you have some talent as a writer, but this poem does not do you justice. I thought some imagery was very good but it was erratic at times and in general, not a joy to read, which in the end, is what you aim for. The purpose of poetry isn't to flaunt your literary skills but to use them in a way to make the poem more poighnant for the reader .
And I understand where you are coming from with the note in the beginning but it makes you sound like an arrogant fool. (NO hard feelings)




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 4038
Reviews 25
Could you please be a little more specific as to where or how I failed at connected metaphor, imagery, or the general theme?

I consider aesthetics to be whether or not it connects, considering many a piss-poor poet have found my sour tongue distasteful in their throat for it's acidity, and hardly hte quality.
You know how dumb the average guy is, right? Well, mathematically, by definition, half of them are even dumber than that.
JR ‘Bob’ Dobbs

TW's Red Cross Blue Shield. A CRITIQUE FOR EVERY YWSIAN!



A person is more than their experiences, stacked up like stones... Our best moments are the foundations we use to reach for the sky.
— Yumi and the Nightmare Painter by Brandon Sanderson