Midsummer Night's Dream Part 2 (Edited)

*Revision is finished See post further down.*
*Now on a time limit. Must finish by January 12, so speedy reveiw are appreciated!*

This isn't quite a short as my first scene, but I couldn't bear to split one scene in two. I'll introduce you to a couple more characters and we'll get started.

Egeus: Hermia’s wildly overprotective father. Very loud spoken and blustering.

Theseus: The principal and Flute’s father. He tends to be a bit bumbling but is very chivalrous.

Hypolyta: The secretary, Theseus’s wife, and flutes mother. She is the driving force behind everything her husband does and is exceedingly proper.

Demetrius: A surfer/cool dude at school. Has a limited vocabulary and trouble voicing whatever he has to say.

Helena: An over dramatic acting student, who is constantly making wide hand gestures and over emphasizing words and there meanings.

Hermia: A very shallow, chatty girl. She tends to giggle a lot and say stupid things.

Lysander: A politician, from the tips of his highly polished shoes to his charming smile. He is eloquent and thinks highly of himself. He is genuinely in love with Hermia and tends to overlook her faults, and lose his mastery of language when speaking about her.


Act 1, Scene 1

Scene is set in the classroom. This is the first day of school back from summer. The principal is sitting on one of the students desks while his secretary is sitting very composed at the teacher’s desk. She is tiding things without really realizing that she’s doing it. The principal is rather disheveled but happy, he has a kindly face.

Theseus: So is everything ready for the party? Oh I do hope it is! I want to welcome my new staff with a bang and the students do so enjoy a good shindig.

Hypolyta: Yes sir, everything’s quite ready. We have food, drink, and entertainment.

Theseus: I feel for sure that I have forgotten something… What have I forgotten…? The invitations! No one has been invited!

Hypolyta: I made them up last night and sent them off to the correct people. As you asked.

Theseus: Oh Libby, you are a life saver!

Hypolyta: Last names at work sweetie.

Theseus: Oh! Of course! I forgot.

Hypolyta: I know you did. You always do.

At this point Egeus enters, pulling Hermia and Lysander in either arm. Demetrius is trailing behind them quietly carting a surf board. Hermia is talking furiously trying to make her father understand that this is all a mistake. Lysander is struggling to get away, but stands up straight as soon as he realizes that the principal is there. Hermia also becomes quiet. There is a moment of awkward silence until Egeus speaks.

Hermia: Daddy! This is all just a misunderstanding! Won’t you let go of me and Lysander! Nothing happened we were just talking! Oh daddy! You can be so silly sometimes! Just let us go and I’ll tell you all about it!

Egeus: Are you the new principal of this school?

Theseus: Yes, yes I am indeed. And you are?

Egeus: I am the father of this child here (he give Hermia a little shake), and I had better let you know right now that she needs a lot of watching, which I expect the school to be able to do.

Theseus: (a little taken aback) Well! We’ll certainly try Mr…

Egeus: Egeus.

Theseus: Egeus, but why is it that you have brought these boys in to me as well as your daughter?

Egeus: It goes like this. My daughter here, Hermia, has taken it into her head that she is old enough to date, against my wishes. Now I consider myself to be a very lenient man, and so with a few minor restraints I permitted her to practice this dating. But now it seems that on the very first day of this massive privilege I have given her she has decided to kiss this little rat here, against my express wishes! I will not have it sir!

Lysander looks very offended, and Theseus takes pity on him.

Hypolyta: Sit down, all of you. Now boy, what is your name?

Egeus sits down at the remaining desk, releasing Hermia and Lysander. Lysander promptly takes a step away from him and glances around for a chair, seeing that there is none he gingerly dusts off an area of floor with a handkerchief from his pocket and sits down. Hermia plops down beside him. Demetrius sits beside her.

Lysander: I am Lysander, and I am not a rat! On the contrary I am a respected member of this school and am currently running for…

Egeus: You will answer what was asked of you only boy!

Hypolyta: I think, Mr.Egeus, that this is Mr.Theseus’s interview. And, I must admit, the boy does not look like much of a trouble maker to me.

Egeus: Oh, he’s sneaky this one, looks respectable and all that until wham! He’s got you putting up signs with his picture and, “Vote Lysander!” on them all over the hallways. He’s a worm, he is.

Theseus: Very well, I will take your word for it. (Lysander opens his mouth but Theseus turns to him and gives him a very obvious wink. Lysander closes his mouth, confused.) But what is this other boy here for then?

Egeus: This wonderful young man, Demetrius, has my permission to date my daughter, he has filled out the form perfectly and I have decided that he will be the boy that she will date throughout high school.

Theseus: Okay then… Hermia, what do you have to say to this?

Hermia: This is all just a big mistake! I like told Daddy that Lysander isn’t bad! He’s just being silly! I should be able to pick who I date, and I want to date Lysander! Not silly old Demetrius!

Hypolyta: Lysander may not be a bad kid in your eyes, but your father would rather you date Demetrius. Why won’t you agree to his wishes?

Hermia: Oh! I don’t know! I just don’t want to date somebody I don’t like! Demetrius is fine, but it’s Lysander that I have a crush on! What you think can’t change that daddy!

Egeus: What did you say!

Hypolyta: Sit down Mr.Egeus!

Theseus: Thank you Mrs.Thseus. She’s perfectly right you know. But I have found in my experience that it is better to humor the parents in these kinds of situations, after all, the parents pay the tuition! Isn’t that right Lib- Mrs.Theseus?

Hypolyta: Quite right Mr.Theseus.

Theseus: Right then! That settles it. Hermia, with in these halls you will date Demetrius!
At this pronouncement both Hermia and Lysander start talking loudly and quickly.

Lysander: But that’s not democratic! I’m the one who has her heart!

Hermia: But I can’t! I’d rather not go to school than date Demetrius! I want Lysander!

Hypolyta: Enough! Mr.Theseus, your pronouncement seems to have taken them quite the wrong way. Perhaps we could give them a little time to come to grips with the idea? Maybe a day of dating whomever she wishes, and then having to conform to her father’s?

Theseus: What a remarkable idea! Yes, yes, of course! We’ll do that. You have one day Hermia. Then you must date Demetrius.

Demetrius: Dudette, why do you like even need the day! I love you like as much as he like ever could! Why will you like not date me!

Lysander: Demetrius, you have won the provincial election, her father, but not the federal, her. Leave it at that and let me claim the presidency over Hermia’s rapturous heart. (Hermia giggles)

Egeus: See! He’s doing it again! Hermia, you will obey me and date Demetrius, not this thing that has crawled out of some dark hole!

Lysander: Sir! I request that you control your anger and retain your civility! (to Theseus) Why is it that she must represent Demetrius’s vice president when she has chosen to be mine? I am no less worthy! In fact he has already filled that position, with Helena, who he so rudely let go without letting pass a full term.

Theseus: Oh, I heard something about that! You’re absolutely right Lysander! Mr.Egeus and
Demetrius, will you please follow me to my office? There are some things I think I need to talk to both of you about before we finish this. Toodle Loo!

Theseus, Hypolyta, Egeus, and Demetrius all get up and leave the room, Lysander and Hermia standing as well. Egeus glowers at the two of them then leaves obediently on the heels of Theseus. Hermia starts to pout and Lysander notices.

Lysander: My crusade of beauty, what’s wrong?

Hermia: Isn’t it obvious! My daddy won’t let me see you anymore! I’ll have to date Demetrius!

Lysander: Oh, no, you have it all wrong! You see, all adversaries find weak points in their opponent’s campaigns. It’s hard to do, but if you exploit them enough you can win. And that’s what we’ll do! In the end, we’ll stand victorious, with the flag at our backs and our supporters at our front with cheers and signs being waved! And then when we let freedom ring from every loudspeaker in this place, then we will have our time in office! Hey, that’s good! I should write that one down.

Lysander pulls out a notebook and starts scribbling.

Hermia: Oh Lysander! You put it so beautifully! Won’t you say it again, so I can understand?

Lysander: No, my Hermia, I can’t wear it out, I might need it for a speech one day. Listen, if overall we can’t convince you father in this round of voting, my parents have been begging me to transfer to another school where I can better expand my talents. Won’t you come with me? Your father won’t be able to find out, because you’ll still be going to school but we will be together. Now my love, I have to go. The bell will ring soon, but will you meet me after school in this classroom? I have business I need to deal with and it would strengthen my platform.

Hermia: Oh Lysander! You’re so romantic! Of course I’ll meet you there! But will I be able to find it again? Never mind! I’ll just get Helena to bring me!

Lysander: Speak of the devil, here she comes!

Helena enters, distraught and wringing her hands.

Hermia: Helena! We were just talking about you!

Helena: You were? What about? Oh never mind. It does not matter! Listen carefully; have you seen my fine Demetrius? I was watching him like any devoted beau when I saw your father come in and talk to him. They hurried into the sunset of the halls with a swiftness that I could not follow. Do you know where they have gone? Oh of course you do! Any time Demetrius is away from me I can find him at your side, the picture of a contented man. Why can I not inspire such contentment in him? Why is that he glows when he looks upon your radiant faced yet glowers at the mere sight of mine?

Hermia: I don’t know! He bugs me most of the time! I do send him to you, but he won’t go!

Helena: You send him away and he won’t go! I only my pennies in the fountain of wishes would draw him closer into my adoring arms! But it is not to be. I am nothing in his eyes, the emptiness of a black hole, and yet you are the rising sun of his life. If only it could be me!

Hermia: You can have him! I have my own Lysander!

She moves closer to him and snuggles to prove a point. He looks profoundly stiff for a moment, and then relaxes slightly.

Hermia: I have an idea! Lysander and I are planning on switching schools! Then Demetrius won’t see me anymore and he’ll want you!

Lysander: It’s true; we plan to leave tomorrow, if the principal has not retracted his faulty law.

Hermia: We’re meeting here after school! Helena, could you bring me here? I’m scared I’ll get lost! (the bell rings) Oh! The bell! Good bye Lysander! Good luck getting Demetrius, Helena!

Hermia hugs Lysander, with the same stiff results. They both exit opposite sides. Helena turns to face the audience.

Helena: Why is it that some are so much happier in this world! Throughout the school I am seen as desirable, boys flock to greet me in the halls, and girls gather to learn my secrets, or at least to my mind I think they do, but none of it matters if Demetrius hates me and he does! He spurns even the sight of my name on a poster, acting as if he does not even notice. Yet when it come to Hermia he glows, and hangs on to anything that she has even brushed with her finger tip, treasuring it more than gold. Alas! The paths of lovers are always crossed, no matter how I love him he will never love me. Fie to you Cupid, fie to the god of love who twists and tangles the path of love so! Before this year Demetrius was mine, heart and soul to love and hold, but a simple introduction to Hermia, and he spins full circle, leaving me alone and confused. I know what I shall do! I shall tell Demetrius of Hermia’s plot, and he shall love me yet again for showing him that I out the interests of his heart in front of those of mine. As a plan it may be foolhardy, but when it comes to Demetrius, I am a fool, as are all in love!

Hermia leaves the stage, determinedly.


That's it for the first scene. Any criticism is great, especially out of character lines or bad grammar. I tend to suck at that. Thanks!

Since you asked specifically for help with grammar, I thought I'd write my crit within your script; I find it easier to make suggestions that way

cooldude19967 wrote:Egeus: Hermia’s wildly overprotective father. Very loud spoken -- do you mean "out-spoken"? and blustering.

Theseus: The principal and Flute’s father. He tends to be a bit bumbling but is very chivalrous.

Hypolyta: The secretary, Theseus’s wife, and Flute's mother. She is the driving force behind everything her husband does and is exceedingly proper.

Demetrius: A surfer/cool dude at school. Has a limited vocabulary and trouble voicing whatever he has to say.

Helena: An overdramatic acting student[s],[/s] who is constantly making wide hand gestures and over emphasizing words and [s]there[/s] -- their meanings.

Hermia: A very shallow, chatty girl. She tends to giggle a lot and say stupid things.

Lysander: A politician[s],[/s] from the tips of his highly polished shoes to his charming smile. He is eloquent and thinks highly of himself. He is genuinely in love with Hermia and tends to overlook her faults[s],[/s] and lose his mastery of language when speaking about her.

This might just be a personal thing, but I prefer to keep character descriptions as brief as possible -- usually just their age, their relationship to other characters, and possibly a predominant characteristic. Since scripts are written with the intention that they will be performed, audiences will not get the chance to read character descriptions, so I feel that it's important to show the characters' personalities and idiosyncrasies through their actions and individual voices, rather than in the character description.

Act 1, Scene 1

Scene is set in the classroom. This is the first day of school back from summer. The principal is sitting -- when writing stage directions, I usually try to avoid using the verb "to be", as I feel it makes said directions less, well, direct. In this case, I would say, "The principal sits..." on one of the student's desks while his secretary is sitting -- ditto previous comment , very composed at the teacher’s desk. She is tidying things without really realizing that she’s doing it. The principal is rather disheveled, but happy[s],[/s]; he has a kindly face.

Theseus: So, is everything ready for the party? Oh, I do hope it is! I want to welcome my new staff with a bang, and the students do so enjoy a good shindig.

Hypolyta: Yes, sir, everything’s quite ready. We have food, drink, and entertainment.

Theseus: I feel for sure that I have forgotten something… What have I forgotten…? The invitations! No one has been invited!

Hypolyta: I made them up last night and sent them off to the correct people. As you asked.

Theseus: Oh, Libby, you are a life saver!

Hypolyta: Last names at work, sweetie.

Theseus: Oh! Of course! I forgot.

Hypolyta: I know you did. You always do.

Aww. The exchange between Theseus and Hypolyta is so sweet Just wondering, though ... I've always seen her name spelt "Hippolyta" -- is there any reason you've changed it? Not that you can't; I was just wondering.

At this point, Egeus enters, pulling Hermia and Lysander in either arm. Demetrius is trailing behind them quietly, carting a surf board -- surfboard. Hermia is talking furiously, trying to make her father understand that this is all a mistake. Lysander is struggling to get away, but stands up straight as soon as he realizes that the principal is there. Hermia also becomes quiet. There is a moment of awkward silence until Egeus speaks.

Hermia: Daddy! This is all just a misunderstanding! Won’t you let go of me and Lysander! -- I find this line a little forced; perhaps "Won't you let go of us?" would sound more natural? Nothing happened -- we were just talking! Oh, Daddy! You can be so silly sometimes! Just let us go and I’ll tell you all about it!

Egeus: Are you the new principal of this school?

Theseus: Yes, yes, I am indeed. And you are?

Egeus: I am the father of this child here (he gives Hermia a little shake), and I had better let you know right now that she needs a lot of watching, which I expect the school to be able to do.

Theseus: (a little taken aback) Well! We’ll certainly try Mr…

Egeus: Egeus.

Theseus: Egeus, but why is it that you have brought these boys in to me as well as your daughter?

Egeus: It goes like this. My daughter here, Hermia, has taken it into her head that she is old enough to date, against my wishes. Now, I consider myself to be a very lenient man, and so with a few minor restraints, I permitted her to practice this dating. But now it seems that on the very first day of this massive privilege I have given her, she has decided to kiss this little rat here[s],[/s] against my express wishes! I will not have it, sir!

Lysander looks very offended, and Theseus takes pity on him. -- remember to italicise all stage directions!

Hypolyta: Sit down, all of you. Now, boy, what is your name?

Egeus sits down at the remaining desk, releasing Hermia and Lysander. Lysander promptly takes a step away from him and glances around for a chair[s],[/s]. Seeing that there is none, he gingerly dusts off an area of floor with a handkerchief from his pocket and sits down. Hermia plops down beside him. Demetrius sits beside her.

Lysander: I am Lysander, and I am not a rat! On the contrary, I am a respected member of this school and am currently running for…

Egeus: You will answer what was asked of you only, boy!

Hypolyta: I think, Mr.Egeus, -- make sure to leave a space between a person's title and surname in order to avoid the text looking cramped -- "Mr. Egeus" that this is Mr.Theseus’s interview. And, I must admit, the boy does not look like much of a trouble maker -- troublemaker to me.

Egeus: Oh, he’s sneaky, this one[s],[/s] -- looks respectable and all that until wham! He’s got you putting up signs with his picture and, “Vote Lysander!” on them all over the hallways. He’s a worm, he is.

Theseus: Very well[s],[/s]; I will take your word for it. (Lysander opens his mouth, but Theseus turns to him and gives him a very obvious wink. Lysander closes his mouth, confused.) But what is this other boy here for, then?

Egeus: This wonderful young man, Demetrius, has my permission to date my daughter[s],[/s]. He has filled out the form perfectly and I have decided that he will be the boy that she will date throughout high school.

:lol: "Filled out the form perfectly?" That's so funny! I can just imagine Egeus being so proud of himself as he says this...

Theseus: Okay, then… Hermia, what do you have to say to this?

Hermia: This is all just a big mistake! I, like, told Daddy that Lysander isn’t bad! He’s just being silly! I should be able to pick who I date, and I want to date Lysander! Not silly old Demetrius!

Hypolyta: Lysander may not be a bad kid in your eyes, but your father would rather you date Demetrius. Why won’t you agree to his wishes?

Hermia: Oh! I don’t know! I just don’t want to date somebody I don’t like! Demetrius is fine, but it’s Lysander that I have a crush on! What you think can’t change that, Daddy!

Egeus: What did you say[s]![/s]?

Hypolyta: Sit down, Mr.Egeus!

Theseus: Thank you, Mrs.Thseus -- Theseus. She’s perfectly right, you know. Who does "she" refer to? I'm a bit confused here. But I have found in my experience that it is better to humor the parents in these kinds of situations[s],[/s] -- after all, the parents pay the tuition! Isn’t that right Lib- Mrs.Theseus?

Hypolyta: Quite right, Mr.Theseus.

Theseus: Right then! That settles it. Hermia, with in these halls, you will date Demetrius!

At this pronouncement both Hermia and Lysander start talking loudly and quickly. -- italics!

Lysander: But that’s not democratic! I’m the one who has her heart!

Hermia: But I can’t! I’d rather not go to school than date Demetrius! I want Lysander!

Hypolyta: Enough! Mr.Theseus, your pronouncement seems to have taken them quite the wrong way. -- This phrasing comes across as a little awkward to me. Perhaps, "Mr. Theseus, they seem to have taken your pronouncement in quite the wrong way."? Perhaps we could give them a little time to come to grips with the idea? Maybe a day of dating whomever she wishes, and then having to conform to her father’s?

Theseus: What a remarkable idea! Yes, yes, of course! We’ll do that. You have one day, Hermia. Then you must date Demetrius.

Demetrius: Dudette, why do you, like, even need the day! I love you, like, as much as he, like, ever could! Why will you, like, not date me!

Demetrius' voice is fantastic

Lysander: Demetrius, you have won the provincial election, her father, but not the federal, her. Leave it at that and let me claim the presidency over Hermia’s rapturous heart. (Hermia giggles)

Egeus: See! He’s doing it again! Hermia, you will obey me and date Demetrius, not this thing that has crawled out of some dark hole!

Lysander: Sir! I request that you control your anger and retain your civility! (to Theseus) Why is it that she must represent Demetrius’s vice president when she has chosen to be mine? I am no less worthy! In fact, he has already filled that position[s],[/s] with Helena, who he so rudely let go without letting pass a full term.

I see where you're going with Lysander's political vocabulary -- it does fit his character -- but I have to say that I do find it a bit full on, and honestly, I've known several high school students who were very active in school politics, student body council, etc., but none of them slipped this much political jargon into everyday talk. Unless they were talking about politics

Theseus: Oh, I heard something about that! You’re absolutely right, Lysander! Mr.Egeus and Demetrius, will you please follow me to my office? There are some things I think I need to talk to both of you about before we finish this. Toodle Loo! -- Toodle-oo!

Theseus, Hypolyta, Egeus, and Demetrius all get up and leave the room, Lysander and Hermia standing as well. Egeus glowers at the two of them then leaves obediently on the heels of Theseus. Hermia starts to pout and Lysander notices. -- remember italics

Lysander: My crusade of beauty, what’s wrong?

Hermia: Isn’t it obvious[s]![/s]? My daddy won’t let me see you anymore! I’ll have to date Demetrius!

Lysander: Oh, no, you have it all wrong! You see, all adversaries find weak points in their opponent’s campaigns. It’s hard to do, but if you exploit them enough, you can win. And that’s what we’ll do! In the end, we’ll stand victorious, with the flag at our backs and our supporters at our front with cheers and signs being waved! And then when we let freedom ring from every loudspeaker in this place[s],[/s] -- then we will have our time in office! Hey, that’s good! I should write that one down.

Lysander pulls out a notebook and starts scribbling.

Hermia: Oh Lysander! You put it so beautifully! Won’t you say it again, so I can understand?

That's such a cute line!

Lysander: No, my Hermia, I can’t wear it out[s],[/s]; I might need it for a speech one day. Listen, if overall we can’t convince your father in this round of voting, my parents have been begging me to transfer to another school where I can better expand my talents. Won’t you come with me? Your father won’t be able to find out, because you’ll still be going to school, but we will be together. Now, my love, I have to go. The bell will ring soon, but will you meet me after school in this classroom? I have business I need to deal with and it would strengthen my platform.

Hermia: Oh, Lysander! You’re so romantic! Of course I’ll meet you there! But will I be able to find it again? Never mind! I’ll just get Helena to bring me!

Lysander: Speak of the devil, here she comes!

Helena enters, distraught and wringing her hands.

Hermia: Helena! We were just talking about you!

Helena: You were? What about? Oh, never mind. It does not matter! Listen carefully[s];[/s]: have you seen my fine Demetrius? I was watching him like any devoted beau when I saw your father come in and talk to him. They hurried into the sunset of the halls with a swiftness that I could not follow. Do you know where they have gone? Oh, of course you do! Any time Demetrius is away from me, I can find him at your side, the picture of a contented man. Why can I not inspire such contentment in him? Why is it that he glows when he looks upon your radiant face[s]d[/s], yet glowers at the mere sight of mine?

Hermia: I don’t know! He bugs me most of the time! I do send him to you, but he won’t go!

Helena: You send him away and he won’t go! I only wish my pennies in the fountain of wishes would draw him closer into my adoring arms! But it is not to be. I am nothing in his eyes, the emptiness of a black hole, and yet you are the rising sun of his life. If only it could be me!

I like the echoes of Shakespeare's Helena's "Call you me fair? that fair again unsay." monologue here!

Hermia: You can have him! I have my own Lysander!

She moves closer to him and snuggles to prove a point. He looks profoundly stiff for a moment, and then relaxes slightly.

Hermia: I have an idea! Lysander and I are planning on switching schools! Then Demetrius won’t see me anymore and he’ll want you!

Lysander: It’s true; we plan to leave tomorrow, if the principal has not retracted his faulty law.

Hermia: We’re meeting here after school! Helena, could you bring me here? I’m scared I’ll get lost! (The bell rings.) Oh! The bell! Good bye, Lysander! Good luck getting Demetrius, Helena!

Hermia hugs Lysander, with the same stiff results. They both exit opposite sides. Helena turns to face the audience. -- italics!

Helena: Why is it that some are so much happier in this world[s]![/s]? Throughout the school I am seen as desirable[s],[/s]; boys flock to greet me in the halls, and girls gather to learn my secrets[s],[/s] -- or at least, to my mind, I think they do[s],[/s] -- but none of it matters if Demetrius hates me, and he does! He spurns even the sight of my name on a poster, acting as if he does not even notice. Yet when it come to Hermia, he glows[s],[/s] and hangs on to anything that she has even brushed with her finger tip -- fingertip, treasuring it more than gold. Alas! The paths of lovers are always crossed[s],[/s]. No matter how I love him, he will never love me. Fie to you, Cupid, fie to the god of love who twists and tangles the path of love so! Before this year, Demetrius was mine, heart and soul to love and hold, but a simple introduction to Hermia, and he spins full circle, leaving me alone and confused. I know what I shall do! I shall tell Demetrius of Hermia’s plot, and he shall love me yet again for showing him that I carry out the interests of his heart in front of those of mine. As a plan, it may be foolhardy, but when it comes to Demetrius, I am a fool, as are all in love!

You know, honestly, I'm not sure why I have trouble with Lysander's voice, and not with Helena's melodramatic one. But while overblown, this does work for me and helps to establish Helena's character.

[s]Hermia[/s] -- Helena leaves the stage[s],[/s] determinedly.

Nice continuation. I think you were right not to cut this scene in half -- the flow is good, and it works well as an expository scene.

I reckon out of all the subplots in A Midsummer Night's Dream, this one is the hardest to "update", and I admire your slant on the conflict. I think making Egeus only allowing Hermia to date his chosen people is plausible; however, I have trouble swallowing the idea that a modern school would force two of its students to date, especially if one was unwilling. A tricky situation, I know, but ... yeah. It just didn't sit well with me. Also, even if Hermia managed to change schools without her father noticing (how would this be achieved??), couldn't Demetrius just go crying back to Egeus, who would find out anyway?

Like I said, it's a difficult scenario to apply to a contemporary setting. However, despite my nitpicks, I think you're handling it quite well. Now I'm really looking forward to seeing how the Mechanicals fit in! Great job!

Thank you so much for that reveiw. I seenow that I have some huge grammer problems through out the script, and someof them were repeated so often in only this section that I will be able to catch them myself now when editing before I put it on the site. I also have trouble with Lysanders voice, I've changed his character a couple of times now and it doesn't seem to fit. I'm trying to make all of my characters overdone in their specific fields, but I agree, I've never heard anyone speak remotely close to his speach. It's also to close to Oberon's voice for comfort with me, I just am having a lot of trouble fixing it. I think that you have no trouble with Helena's voice because some people do speak that way, occasionally. I know that I slip into it when makeing fun of somthing with my firends. And yes, it was a hard scene to modernize, fortunatly some friends gave me a tip or two that I think will help, if only a little. Sorry about the stage sirections not being italicised, that's how I have it on word, but when I copy it over it deleats all of that, and I have to do it again, so I somtimes miss a line or two. Thanks again for your reveiw, I appreciate it.

I must admit, I didn't read the entire script. What you have going is very interesting, but I do have some tips.
one: watch the grammar and (I know this might sound sort of harsh, but don't take it that way--I'm all for characterization) but try to tone down the dialogue a tad for Oberon, because--fact: If this is ever produced onstage, nobody will EVER understand a thing he's said because, fact: his language is sophisticated to the pint of being unintellible. It took me awhile to figure out what the heck he said on paper, then it'd go right over the audience's heads and out the window if somebody performed it.
Number two: tone down the other--adult--characters' dialogue. Sophisticated language is a major plus in literature, but in plays, well, you need it to be simply stated. Supposing it is ever acted out, it needs to be very easily understood. You don't want the audience to have to strain their brains to decode the characters' language. Very important. If it just stays on paper, it's fine, but if its acted out, well, you have to fix it.
Also, some mispellings and stuff stood out fairly oddly. Not too many, but just spend a few minutes to proof it. 'kay?
PS: if you toned down the whole script, and made every a little simpler, then and made just a few changes to Oberons, for the sake of lucidness, they would still contrast the others.
I really admire your bravery to write a script. They're cold and detail-less, dank and action-to-action, plot piece to plot piece, and it is all in the dialogue. You did a really good job. Keep up the good work!

Thank you for you input. I think your right about Oberon, even I have trouble with his lines, and I should tone it down. You've given me the drive to actually accept that it really is needed. I'm not quite so sure on the adults, as a whole, but going over I have noticed a couple of lines which you are definitely right about. I do edit, and edit a lot, but as I have said before I am notoriously bad at it and miss a lot. I'll try to do a better job next time. Thanks again for your post, I appreciate it.

Here's an edited version, with Lysander's total character makeover. Tell me what you think.

Egeus: Hermia’s wildly overprotective father. Very out-spoken and blustering.

Theseus: The principal and Flute’s father. He tends to be a bit bumbling but is very chivalrous.

Hypolyta: The secretary, Theseus’s wife, and Flute's mother. She is the driving force behind everything her husband does and is exceedingly proper.

Demetrius: A skater/cool dude at school. Has a limited vocabulary and trouble voicing whatever he has to say.

Helena: An overdramatic acting student, who is constantly making wide hand gestures and over emphasizing words and there meanings.

Hermia: A very shallow, chatty girl. She tends to giggle a lot and say stupid things.

Lysander: A gamer, who plays anything from World of War Craft to Mario. He seems to think that Hermia likes his gameing abilities more than she likes him and is slighty awkward on the occassions that he realises that she actully is a girl.


Act 1, Scene 1

Scene is set in the classroom. This is the first day of school back from summer. The principal sits on one of the student’s desks while his secretary is sits very composed at the teacher’s desk. She is tidying things without really realizing that she’s doing it. The principal is rather disheveled, but happy. He has a kindly face.

Theseus: So, is everything ready for the party? Oh I do so hope it is! I want to welcome my new staff with a bang and the students do so enjoy a good shindig.

Hippolyta: Yes, sir, everything’s quite ready. We have food, drink, and entertainment.

Theseus: I feel for sure that I have forgotten something… What have I forgotten…? The invitations! No one has been invited!

Hippolyta: I made them up last night and sent them off to the correct people. As you asked.

Theseus: Oh, Libby, you are a life saver!

Hippolyta: Last names at work, sweetie.

Theseus: Oh! Of course! I forgot.

Hippolyta: I know you did. You always do.

At this point, Egeus enters, pulling Hermia and Lysander in either arm. Demetrius is trailing behind them quietly, carrying a skateboard in one arm. Hermia is talking furiously, trying to make her father understand that this is all a mistake. Lysander is struggling to get away, holding a game boy in one hand, which he seems to try to be playing.

Hermia: Daddy! This is all just a misunderstanding! Won’t you let go of us! Nothing happened --we were just talking! Oh, Daddy! You can be so silly sometimes! Just let us go and I’ll tell you all about it!

Lysander: Hey come on! I can’t stop now; I’m almost at level 29! Let go! No don’t do that! I’ll lose everything! I haven’t saved!

Egeus gets annoyed, grabs the game boy and snaps it shut, which startles Lysander into a slack jawed, disbelieving silence. Hermia also becomes quiet. There is a moment of awkward silence until Egeus speaks.


Egeus: Are you the new principal of this school?

Theseus: Yes, yes, I am indeed. And you are?

Egeus: I am the father of this child here (He gives Hermia a little shake), and I had better let you know right now that she needs a lot of watching, which I expect the school to be able to do.

Theseus: (A little taken aback) Well! We’ll certainly try Mr…

Egeus: Egeus.

Theseus: Egeus, but why have you brought these boys in to me as well as your daughter? Do you feel they need watching too?

Egeus: All children need watching but that’s not why I’ve brought them. My daughter here, Hermia, has decided that she is old enough to date, against my wishes. Now, I consider myself to be a lenient man, and so with a few minor restraints, I said she would be allowed to date. But now it seems that on the very first day of this privilege I have given her, she has decided to kiss this little basement dweller here against my wishes! I will not have it, sir!

Lysander: He shut my game boy! You saw it Sir! I was almost at the next level!

Hippolyta: That has little to do with this matter. Sit down, all of you. Now, boy, what is your name?
Egeus sits down at the remaining desk, releasing Hermia and Lysander. Lysander promptly takes a step away from him and snatches his game boy back. Seeing that there are no seats left he sits on the floor. The others do the same.

Lysander: I’m Lysander, but you can call me Leroy Jenkins. That’s my screen name.

Theseus: (Confused) Your… screen name? What things these young folk come up with!

Egeus: See! He won’t even use his real name! On the run from the law no doubt. Hardly suitable for my daughter!

Theseus: (Shrugging) Well, if that’s how you feel that’s how you feel. But what is this other boy here for, then?

Egeus: This wonderful young man, Demetrius, has my permission to date Hermia. He has filled out the forms perfectly and seems to be a nice young man.

While saying this he turns to a bag that he has slung over his shoulder to take out the forms he mentioned. They are very think and messy, and the top one has “Dating Permission” printed on it in big letters. He shoves theses forms at the principal, who seems too stunned to take them, as if they are evidence, but Hippolyta neatly steps in and gathers from his hands seconds before they are dropped.

Hippolyta: Hermia, what do you have to say to this?

Hermia: This is all just a big mistake! I, like, told Daddy that Lysander isn’t bad! He’s just being silly! I should be able to pick who I date, and I want to date Lysander! Not silly old Demetrius!

Hippolyta: Lysander may not be a bad young man in your eyes, but your father would rather you date Demetrius. Why won’t you listen to him?

Hermia: Oh! I don’t know! I just don’t want to date somebody I don’t like! Demetrius is fine, but it’s Lysander that I have a crush on! What you think can’t change that, Daddy!

Egeus: What did you say?

Hippolyta: Sit down, Mr. Egeus!

Theseus: Thank you, Mrs. Theseus. The girl is perfectly right you know. But I have found in my experience that it is better to humor the parents in these kinds of situations -- after all, the parents pay the tuition! Isn’t that right Lib- Mrs. Theseus?

Hippolyta: Quite right, Mr. Theseus.

Theseus: Right then! That settles it. Hermia, with in this you will not date Lysander!

At this pronouncement both Hermia and Lysander start talking loudly and quickly.

Lysander: Uh, wait no! I’ve already won her! This Legendary Rose of Virtue is mine! I wouldn’t trade her ever, even for that new Helm of Invisibility…

Hermia: (Bursting into tears) But I can’t! I’d rather not go to school than date Demetrius! I want my Lysander!

Hippolyta: Enough! Mr. Theseus, they seem to have taken your pronouncement in quite the wrong way. Perhaps we could give them a little time to come to grips with the idea? Maybe a day of dating whomever she wishes to get it out of her system?

Theseus: What a remarkable idea! Yes, yes, of course! We’ll do that. You have one day to date Lysander, Hermia. One day.

Demetrius: Dudette, why do you, like, even need the day! I love you, like, as much as he, like, ever could! Why will you, like, not date me!

Lysander: Demetrius, Give it up! I’ve won her fairly in combat a hundred times over (shaking his game boy at him) and besides, she adds about 20 points to my luck. I haven’t rolled a one in anything since I met her. (Hermia giggles)

Egeus: See! He’s doing it again! Hermia, you will obey me and date Demetrius, not this thing that has crawled out of some dark hole!

Lysander: Some dark hole! But I always play for the good guys! And why should he get to claim my prize anyways? He already won the heart of someone else, and then decided he didn’t want her!

Theseus: Oh, I heard something about that! You’re absolutely right, Lysander! Mr. Egeus and Demetrius, will you please follow me to my office? There are some things I think I need to talk to both of you about before we finish with this matter. Toodle-oo!

Theseus, Hippolyta, Egeus, and Demetrius all get up and leave the room, Lysander and Hermia standing as well. Egeus glowers at the two of them then leaves obediently on the heels of Theseus. Hermia starts to pout and Lysander notices.

Lysander: My lovely Elfin Queen, what’s wrong?

Hermia: Isn’t it obvious? My daddy won’t let me see you anymore! I’ll have to date Demetrius! This is horrible! I don’t want to date him! Oh why won’t daddy see it my way! This is so unfair!

Lysander: No Hermia! Don’t talk like that! We could be much worse off! Like Taretha the human, and War Chief Thrall, the orc. No matter what they did their love could not prevail, and the lovely Taretha died. But the thing is, they tried, and if they didn’t let a little thing like differences in species, or the fact that they were at war, then we can to!

Hermia: Oh Lysander! You put it so beautifully! Won’t you say it again, so I can understand?

Lysander: Look, what I’m trying to say is that we can get through this! Look, incase this really doesn’t work out and I can’t see you again will you come to my house after school? I’ve got a really sick new gaming system and I just know you’ll love it. Will you meet me in this classroom? We can walk to my house.

Hermia: Oh Lysander! You’re so romantic! Of course I’ll meet you here! But will I be able to find it again? I’m not very good with directions! There was this one time when I tried to show Josie, she’s the new girl where her classroom was and I got us both lost! (giggle) Oh wait! Never mind! I’ll just get Helena to bring me!

Lysander: Speak of the devil, here she comes!

Helena enters, distraught.

Hermia: Helena! We were just talking about you! Isn’t it funny that you came just then! (giggle) It’s like you knew it! Are you a psychic? Oh I bet you are! You would be a good psychic! (giggle)

Helena: You were talking about me? What about? Oh, never mind. It does not matter! Listen carefully; have you seen my fine Demetrius? I was watching him like any devoted flame when I saw your father come in and talk to him. They hurried into the sunset of the halls with a swiftness that I could not follow. Do you know where they have gone? Oh, of course you do! Any time Demetrius is away from me, I can find him at your side, the picture of a contented man. Why can I not inspire such contentment in him? Why is it that he glows when he looks upon your radiant face yet glowers at the mere sight of mine?

Hermia: I don’t know! He bugs me most of the time! I do send him to you, but he won’t go! It’s like he’s glue to me or something!

Helena: You send him away and he won’t go! If only my pennies in the fountain of wishes would draw him closer into my adoring arms! But it is not to be. I am nothing in his eyes, the emptiness of a black hole, and yet you are the rising sun of his life. If only it could be me!

Hermia: You can have him! I have my own Lysander! I don’t want any other boy! Most of them are so boring!

She moves closer to him and snuggles to prove a point. He looks awkward for a moment, and then relaxes slightly.

Hermia: I have an idea! Lysander and I are planning on going over to his house after school today! You can tell Demetrius and maybe he’ll love you more than me!

Lysander: Hermia! We don’t want Demetrius to know! Then he’ll come to and want to play my game. This invitation is for you only.

Hermia: Oh! Oops! I guess that’s a bad idea! Too bad, it might have worked! Don’t tell Demtrius though now! Ok? Anyways, we’re meeting here after school! Helena, could you bring me here? I’m scared I’ll get lost! Like that time… (The bell rings) Oh! The bell! Goodbye Lysander! I’ve got to go to class! Good luck getting Demetrius, Helena!

Hermia hugs Lysander, who looks awkward again. They both exit opposite sides, Lysander flipping open his game boy as he walks off stage. Helena turns to face the audience.

Helena: Why is it that some are so much happier in this world? Others think I look pretty, some say beautiful even, I can act, I can sing, I can dance -- but none of it matters if Demetrius hates me, and he does! He spurns anything that has even the slightest reminder of me, of what he did to me when he ripped my heart in two. Yet when it comes to Hermia, he glows and hangs on to anything that she has even brushed with her fingertip, treasuring it more than gold. Alas! The paths of lovers are always crossed. No matter how I love him he will never love me. Fie to you, Cupid, fie to the god of love who twists and tangles the path of love so! Before this year, Demetrius was mine, heart and soul to love and hold, but a simple introduction to Hermia, and he spins full circle, leaving me alone and confused. I know what I shall do! I shall tell Demetrius of Hermia’s plot, and he shall love me yet again for showing him that I carry out the interests of his heart in front of those of mine. As a plan, it may be foolhardy, but when it comes to Demetrius, I am a fool, as are all in love!

Helena leaves the stage determinedly.


Again, any critisim is great, especially out of character lines or bad grammer. I tend to suck at that. Thanks!

Wow, Cooldude, this is where I praise you. I have found absolutely nothing wrong with this. I just was left astounded. I could never write something nearly as wonderful as the thing you have spun here. I have indeed read Shakespeare’s original piece and I like the way you are spinning yours

But, to try to be more helpful than of giving simple praise, I have decided to do the character thing again =)

Egeus: The overprotective father. He’s seems like a pretty prominent figure in Hermia’s life, but I feel like you could give him just a tad bit more life, you know? Make him more original.

Theseus & Hypolyta: I love them! They are such a sweet and innocent couple, they are just adorable. I wouldn’t change one thing about them.

Demetrius: I kind of viewed him as the village idiot, no offense to you of course I don’t know what it was about him but he just… let’s just say I didn’t favor him as much as I favored the other characters. I like what you did with him but I still don’t like him. He’s kind of like the evil one in the story, at least that’s how I viewed it.

Helena: I really feel for her and it’s exactly like in Shakespeare’s piece with the twisted love triangle thing. I thought she was good but she didn’t really have a huge part so I can’t really say much about her.

Hermia: She was good. I really have no complaints about her. She was a simple character to understand and it was nice to have her in there.

Lysander: Well, I saved the best for last because he’s my favorite! I mean, the way he talked just made me laugh so hard and he was just a total sweetie. Right now, I’m rooting for Lysander!

Well, plot wise, I liked it. I understand now that the previous piece of yours that I read, those were like the fairies and these people are the normal on in Shakespeare’s one. Very cool story you have. When I have more time, I’ll go read the rest you have

First off: Sorry this so late! Had some issues on my end of the world that soon blossomed into yet more issues. Dragged me way for a bit. In any case, her we go!

I was actually looking for this before you gave me the link. i remembered your first post and was searching for part two, but the YWS search hates my soul. Members can vouch that it'll omit things from my results for no apparent reason than to spite me.

Theseus: (a little taken aback) Well! We’ll certainly try Mr…

Good dialogue! I loved their earlier exchange. It was really sweet. Just wondering, though. How many kids are going to this highschool? Even if it's a small school, say, 300 kids, it'd still be difficult to keep a close eye on one of them. It can be done, of course and without too much difficulty. it just might annoy the teachers a bit, who ten have teachers unions to back them up if they say it's interfering with their teaching. However, you know your characters better than I, so you alone know if you have a teacher so picky as all that. there aren't too many of those types out there, so you should be safe.

Hippolyta: That has little to do with this matter. Sit down, all of you. Now, boy, what is your name?
Egeus sits down at the remaining desk, releasing Hermia and Lysander. Lysander promptly takes a step away from him and snatches his game boy back. Seeing that there are no seats left he sits on the floor. The others do the same.

Nit-pik: double space between Hippolyta's dialogue and Egeus's action. otherwise it looks like Hippolyta is narrating.

Theseus: What a remarkable idea! Yes, yes, of course! We’ll do that. You have one day to date Lysander, Hermia. One day.

Where'd her dad go? Isn't he the one saying that she will not date Lysander, no matter what? I just think it's cute that he seems to have poofed away while Libby and Theseus decided to let her date Lysander for a day. Also, Demetrius's dialogue is awesome.

Helena: You were talking about me? What about? Oh, never mind. It does not matter! Listen carefully; have you seen my fine Demetrius? I was watching him like any devoted flame when I saw your father come in and talk to him. They hurried into the sunset of the halls with a swiftness that I could not follow. Do you know where they have gone? Oh, of course you do! Any time Demetrius is away from me, I can find him at your side, the picture of a contented man. Why can I not inspire such contentment in him? Why is it that he glows when he looks upon your radiant face yet glowers at the mere sight of mine?

*snorts* Lol, just like Shakespeare. Gotta love it.

Characters were great, and I love Demetrius's dialogue. Nothing too noteworthy in this chapter save what was mentioned above. Your spacing gets a little iffy in some parts where it's confusing as to who's saying what. Is this the narrator or a character?

On characters, Helena and Demetrius seem perfect for each other. They both go over the top in their dialogue, Demetrius being an absolute surfer dude and Helena being the (slightly obsessed) drama queen. I can already imagine what their conversations will be like. Can't wait to read them for myself. Hermia and Lysander seem a little more vague, character-wise. Perhaps in later chapters their characters will show through a bit more. As it is, Hermia is blonde in the stereotypical sense (which is okay) and Lysander... like video games. With Hermia, you could probably leave her as is and it would be okay. With Lysander, I think it was because he didn't get to shine through so much in this chapter. He didn't get to say or do a lot, so he's still more of an unknown.

See you in the next chapter. If I don't get to it soon, nudge me with a PM and I'll get on it. School just started again, so got a swamp load of work to do. But that's no excuse for not critting. See you around.

Merci. Spacing issues are just because when I paste from Microsoft to here it automatically deleats all of my spaces and I have to put them in again. I somtimes miss some. Same with any stage directions that are not in italics. Thanks for pointing out Egeus's disapearence to me, that was really out of character and I did not mean for it to happen. I've been told Lysander is a weak character, he's gone through about three major chararters changes, and I'm a bit sick at the idea of doing anouher one (sigh). I think I'll leave him as is and just try to give more depth to him. It's funny, I started out just trying to make a bunch of steryotypes, and have ended up being told they were too steryotypical and to change them. I ended up thinking up a different background and really developing every one of them, except for the main character Flute! Oh, and no problem about taking a while. I've waited for a month on some of my other posts and still got nothing, I can wait an extra day.

You don't need to put them all in this chapter. Character changes aren't all that good, either. Don't change him, strengthen him. Give him more opportunities to say something in response. That exchange between him and Hermia -- where he talks in reference to video games -- that was great! Build on that! Give him more chances to talk so we can get a feel for how he thinks and just himself in general. And spread it out over the course of a few chapters.

Hey dude! June here again!

*claps* The one thing I love about reading stories on YWS that are somewhat old is I don't have to wait for the next part. This shall be a short review since bedtime for me is rather close... at 5:31 am.

So! This chapter was good! I don't know why I didn't notice in the previous chapter that the all have... Greek names? This makes me want to know a lot more about the setting, dear. I want to know what year, what country, and why this is set the way it is. Curiosity only, my dear, that's not saying that it can't work if I don't know. I'm just... rather nosy xD.

Okay! so, I noticed you've changed Lysanders character quite a few times. However, he fits the description of Demetrius more than he fits his own-- he doesn't seem like a politician at all. How he mentioned that about not being a rat (which made me laugh) made him seem like the type of person who has issues voicing opinion. Just remember to keep your characters in line with their personalities. If you have a full character sheet, it helps to print it out or write it down (printing saves years of times) and keep it besides your keyboard as you write so that its available for easy reference and you don't have to go scrolling through pages for it. Alternatively, you can make a list of and save it in a separate document that you can easily access when the time comes.

I noticed the demons that lurk between YWS and MS word have prevented you from italicizing some of the staging. If it's italicized where you're keeping your final copy-- good. if not, go italicize it .

In the previous chapter, I pointedly said that they don't sound much like highschool kids, but I realized that they are most likely not in America and most likely not in present day. I'm okay with figuring out stuff in a story, but you may want to write all of that out when you open the setting in the first chapter, mmkay deary?


Hmm... they have that slight Shakespearean touch to their speech. I like it , but be careful about having dialogue drag too long. Like Helenas last dialogue string was a little bit too long.


On the whole, it was a great chapter. Just remember to stage things enough, effectively, and in places where it will not confuse the reader.

One reason why I don't do scripts is, knowing me, I would most likely mix the characters up, haha. Great job on keeping them in order.

Hmmm... chapter three sounds like it would be tasty to review before bed, haha.

Great job! I loved it... and I'm hooked!


Keep it up!

June
aka Grammar Freak.

The setting is meant to be a modern day North American school, so I obviously failed at portraying that. You mention that my character's speech is not current, how so? I can't really see it, but you obviously noticed it right off. It was set like this because it originated from a school project of mine, act 2 scene two I think (it's had a major rewrite since) , and I just started adding on other scenes. Lysander's personality is not a politician, did you read the copy that was further down? Not much was changed, but Lysander got a major rewrite. It's all italicized on my copy. Thanks for the input, I appreciate it.