Chapter Nine -- Ruby's Revenge

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Chapter Nine
Ruby’s Revenge

“Hurry” Mary panted “We must leave, immediately!”

She ran over to the Canaby sisters with her rag – sheik tunic flapping behind her. She stood behind the sisters and reached her right arm between Rose and Madeline’s neck and her left rested on Sarah’s shoulder.

“Aquos temporalis,” She yelled, deafening Rose and Madeline with her echoing voice.

A stream of light blue erupted from her hand and stopped a few feet in front of them. It started to pool in the air and swirl, almost like a spiraling vortex and she cut off the flow when it was big enough for a large boulder to fit in.

“Why, why so big Mary?” Rose faltered “Where does that lead too?”

“No time, just get in there!” Mary pushed them forward.

Sarah stopped her almost immediately with her power, her eyes glowing green.

“Don’t push me, or my sisters, again.” Sarah slowly said. “Where does that lead too?”

Mary’s eyes widened, and noticing that her power was getting the best of her, Sarah released.

“Mary, I’m sorry, I – I just, I’m sorry.” Sarah mumbled embarrassed, almost unbelieving of what she did.

“There is no time!” Mary yelled. “She will kill you if she has the chance, now move!”

The sisters were shocked that such a voice could come from her in such a way, their eyes widened. They started to walk towards the swirling blue, pool-like portal and Mary walked behind them, reassuring they got there.

Xander followed behind Mary, keeping out of the conflict, he never did well with it. However, if he wanted too, He could just change people’s minds or their feelings towards each other.
The three sisters trudged through the sandy desert ground not wanting to go into the portal.

“Xander, A little help here,” Mary ordered. “Change their minds”

“What?” Sarah shrieked, she turned and looked at Xander “You better not even tr…”

Xander stood with his legs opened in a strong stance, Sarah’s eyes widened. A glint of remorse sparked in his eyes and he reached out his arms, his palms opened all the way. A blue, similar to Madeline’s, came from his hands in rows of circles that found each of the Canaby sisters heads and made them glow blue.

“Now,” He Boomed “Walk into the portal.”

The sisters turned into a bunch of mindless drones and followed his order, and started walking closer to the portal.

They were almost there when a piercing shriek reverberated through the sky.
The portal slammed shut making a sonic boom and knocking the Canaby sisters, Mary, and Xander back in a blast of air.

With the blast, Xander’s power faded on them and they regained awareness and self-being. The blast knocked Mary unconscious and Xander lay helpless with a broken leg. The Canaby sisters lay side by side, bewildered of what happened.

Rose got up and put her Hand on her head, a little dizzy.

“What just happened, I … “ She said

A shrieking moan came from the sky and the sisters looked up, it was Ruby.

“Run, save yourselves!” Xander shouted, holding his leg tenderly

“No, we’re not going anywhere.” Sarah fumed

“No, you have to go, she’s too powerful.” Xander begged “save yourselves!”

Ruby was laughing with her twisted shrieks in the back ground, “You can hide but you can’t run.”

“This is it,” Sarah bellowed “We’re going to do what we should have done in the first place.”

Rose and Madeline stood petrified, cowering to the circling Ruby above.

“Listen,” Sarah said “ We must say the forbidden spell.”

“Sarah…” Madeline said warningly “We don’t know…”

“I don’t care anymore!” Sarah screamed “You hear that Ruby? You’re done!”

Ruby was mounting their fear by circling above them, she liked to torture her prey and kill them with fear in their very words. Ruby was very smart in this instance because she knew how to do it very well.

Sarah started the spell:

“I call upon thee
To give me the key
To end a witches life
Strip them from strife
To end their life”
A black, electrifying orb grew in between her hands and she opened them further as it grew.

“Ha,” Ruby squealed “Don’t hurt me Sarah, oh please don’t! She laughed maniacally.

Sarah’s eyes grew with anger and she thrust the Death Ball into the night, aiming right for Ruby’s twisted heart. Ruby shrieked and began to laugh as the orb came closer, she was still in the air, waiting for it arrogantly. Madeline, Rose, and Sarah looked up and saw Ruby thrust her right hand forward and open a portal. The portal looked like a jagged tooth, They looked inside and it seemed endless.
The Death Ball was absorbed through the portal and it closed, showing Ruby’s ugly face, her eyes black.

She laughed and it turned into a scream as she swooped towards the Canaby sisters.
They panicked and all they could think of was to hide their faces and duck down as if that would have saved them from her wrath. Xander, noticing that they were helpless, cast his power out to Ruby. Unsuspecting, she was hit by his blue, mind controlling rings, her head turned blue and she fell five feet to the ground off her staff.

She lay immobilized on the ground and the sisters, noticing she wasn’t moving, ran next to Xander.

“Hurry, go,” Xander panted in agony. “She is too strong, I can’t keep her long!”

“No,” Madeline shouted. “I’m not leaving you!”

“Yes you are, now go!” Xander shouted, weakening

He materialized their staffs beside him and he shouted, “Go!”

Reluctant to leave him, she looked over at Ruby and did something she thought she never could.

She started to tear up in fear and stress mixed with pain and she said,
“I call upon thee
To give me the key
To end a witches life
Strip them from strife
To end their life”

The big ball of electrifying blackness started to form in her hands and she cried as it did so.

“Madeline!” Rose screamed in disbelief. “You’ll be cursed if she dies!”

“Good.” Was Madeline’s cold response.

She walked over to Ruby’s limp body, her head still growing blue.

“Madeline, I can’t hold her!” Xander Yelled. “Get away from her!”

Madeline looked straight down at Ruby, everything was still. She took the Death Ball and raised it
above her head and slammed it down to Ruby. The seconds drew on like hours and Madeline noticed Ruby didn’t have a blue head. Ruby’s eyes opened and a vortex formed on her back as she lay on her stomach, the Death Ball was lost in the swirling vortex and the vortex slammed shut.

Ruby stood up with black eyes and clasp Madeline by the throat, squeezing it.

“Thought you could kill me, did you?” Ruby said squeezing harder, her nails starting to cut her neck. “You can think again you insufferable witch!”

Something came over Sarah and she caught fire, a green fire, That didn’t burn her.

“Let go of her, I’ll tell you once.” She bellowed

Ruby flung Madeline to the ground and welcomed the new threat.

Sarah became infuriated and turned into a wild beast, she out cast her arms and two streams of hot fire shot from them. The green fire surrounded Ruby and she let out a shriek of pain. She stretched her arms out too and made a T shape. In both of her arms were black orbs, she levitated and began to spin rapidly making a tornado –ing vortex that consumed the fire.

Ruby, still in the tornado, charged at Sarah. When Ruby hit her, instead of bouncing off and falling, she joined in the spin of the vortex, It turned into a green flamed fury, green fire ran through the tornado making it an inferno on the inside. Ruby stopped the vortex because the heat from Sarah’s flame was cooking her inside out.

Sarah flung to the ground and twisted her ankle; Ruby fell back and knocked her head against a rock, knocking her out.

Rose stood half-bent up against a large, tan boulder, frozen with fear of the intense battle. Xander fainted from the pain and Madeline, Sarah, Mary were of no more use. Rose had to end it once and for all. She crept slowly to where Ruby lay unconscious and she wasn’t about to kill her with the forbidden curse, she knew what horrible things came from it. Still afraid, she closed her eyes and opened them, her eyes red in search for a better way, a new spell. She searched for a few more seconds and then she closed them once more and opened them back up, she had found a new spell, or created one anyway.

She began,
“Misusage of power,
Surely deserves a drain.
Once to make people cower,
Forever you’ll live in pain.
Your powers no more
And for this will be
Eternal and everlasting
Your powers belong to me.”

She drew forth her hand and touched Ruby’s cold shoulder, A black twisting light ran up Rose’s arms and a swirling wind of black encased her, soaking her pale white skin in black. A moment passed and the power concentrated itself and slammed into Rose’s chest, she passed out and awoke some time later by Madeline, Mary, Sarah, And Xander’s voice.

It was afternoon and she put her palm up to her head and she said, “Where’s ruby?

“She’s over there,” Sarah laughed “Pathetic huh?”

She pointed and moved out of the way so Rose could see, she was in a multicolored force field that they all helped make. Rose heard Ruby’s muffled cries and shrieks that seemed to be filled with fear and pain. Rose smiled.

“You did it Rose, you got rid of her without actually getting rid of her, smart thinking.” Madeline said

“You guys did it, I wasn’t brave enough to face her when she was awake, and I could only face her when she was immobilized!” Rose Said.

“It was all of us.” Xander said. “We all did our part and we should all be proud.”

“And you took her power!” Mary said. “With it you should be able to do anything now.”

“I don’t want it, something this powerful is too powerful, I don’t want to turn into Ruby.” Rose said

“You won’t, you’ll do great things with it, I’m sure of it.” Mary reassured “Keep it.”

“I have a better idea, sisters over here.” Rose said

She walked her sisters about twenty feet from Mary and Xander and Bellowed to the heavens, “By the power of three.”

Her sisters copied her, “By the power of three!”

“Let this newly gained power be split!” Rose yelled

She took her sisters by the hands and they all looked up into sky. The portal opening power surged through all of them and they glowed black, and purple electrified above them, shooting into the sky. The wind picked up and storm clouds rolled in, they fainted and hit the ground.
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wisemann210 wrote:Chapter Nine
Ruby’s Revenge


“Hurry” Mary panted(,) “We must leave, immediately!” (scrap the comma)

She ran over to the Canaby sisters with her rag – sheik tunic flapping behind her.(Confusing much :) "She ran towards the the Canaby sisters with her rag-- (a break is two hyphens next to each other or hold down ALT and hit 22 on your number pad) her sheik tunic flapping behind her.) She stood behind the sisters and reached(stretched) her right arm between Rose and Madeline’s neck(;) [s]and[/s] her left rested on Sarah’s shoulder.

“Aquos temporalis,” She yelled, (nearly; right? they don't become deaf do they? )deafening Rose and Madeline with her echoing voice.

A stream of light blue (reversing sounds a tad better; blue light) erupted from her hand and stopped a few feet in front of them. It started to pool in the air and swirl, [s]almost like[/s](creating) a spiraling vortex; [s]and[/s] she cut off the flow [s]when it[/s] (as soon as it) was big enough for a large boulder to fit in.

“Why, why so big Mary?” Rose faltered(,) “Where does that lead too?”

“No time, just get in there!” Mary (rushed, pushing) [s]pushed[/s] them forward.

Sarah stopped her [s]almost[/s] immediately with her power, her eyes glowing green.

“Don’t push me, or my sisters, again (You don't necessarily have to have the commas in there...).” Sarah slowly said. “Where does that lead too?”

Mary’s eyes widened, and noticing that her power was getting the best of her, Sarah released (This may need rewording :).)

“Mary, I’m sorry, I – I just, I’m sorry.” Sarah mumbled embarrassed, almost unbelieving of what she did.

“There is no time!” Mary yelled.(comma, not period.) “She will kill you if she has the chance, now move!”

The sisters were shocked that such a voice could come from her in such a way, their eyes widened. They started to walk towards the swirling [s]blue, [/s]pool-like portal [s]and[/s] (;)Mary walked behind them, reassuring they got there.

Xander followed behind Mary, keeping out of the conflict, he never did well with it. However, if he wanted too, He (no capitals in the middle of a sentence) could [s]just [/s]change people’s minds or their feelings towards each other.
The three sisters trudged through the sandy desert ground not wanting to go into the portal. (Hmm... maybe convey a bit more emotion here; "The three sisters trudges solemnly through )

“Xander, A little help here,” Mary ordered[s].[/s] “Change their minds”

“What?” Sarah shrieked, she turned and looked at Xander “You better not even tr…(Use the dash; --or ▬; instead of the ellipsis)

Xander stood with his legs opened in a strong stance, [s]Sarah’s eyes widened[/s] (The sentence is about Xander, it has nothing to do with Sarah, s). A glint of remorse sparked in his eyes and he reached out his arms, his palms (outstretched) [s]opened all the way[/s]. A blue, (Dash; --/▬ ; instead of commas) similar to Madeline’s[s],[/s] (--)came from his hands in rows of circles that found each of the Canaby sisters heads and made them glow blue.

“Now,” He Boomed(comma, and watched your mid sentence capitals; if a narration is in between a part of dialog that is not a full pause; use commas; somewhat like you did; only no capitals when the sentence isn't closed (you also needn't use capitals if the sentence closure is a question mark) "Now," he boomed, "W...") “Walk into the portal.”

The sisters [s]turned[/s] (I like the word transformed here a little better; it's a bit clearer.) into a [s]bunch[/s] (trio) of mindless drones [s]and [/s] (comma; not and)followed his order, and started walking closer to the portal.

They were almost there when a piercing shriek reverberated through the sky.
The portal slammed shut [s]making[/s] (creating) a sonic boom [s]and knocking the Canaby sisters, Mary, and Xander back in a blast of air. [/s] (That knocked the Canaby sisters, along with Mary and Xander back in a single blast of air.)
[s]
With the blast, Xander’s power faded on them and they regained awareness and self-being. The blast knocked Mary unconscious and Xander lay helpless with a broken leg. The Canaby sisters lay side by side, bewildered of what happened. [/s] (The blast caused Xanders spell on the sisters to fade. They regained their awareness and self-being and lay sprawled on the ground, bewildered. Mary lay unconscious by Xander who suffered a broken leg.)

[s]Rose got up and put her Hand (no capitals in mid sentence) on her head, a little dizzy.[/s]
(Rose stood up, dizzily putting her hand to her head.)

“What just happened(?) I-I …" She said(Try to vary your verbs of speech; "she stammered")

[s]A shrieking moan came from the sky[/s](Another shriek came from the sky) and the sisters looked up, it was Ruby.

“Run, save yourselves!” Xander shouted, holding his leg tenderly(.)

“No, we’re not going anywhere.” Sarah fumed (Fumed doesn't sound right; "Sarah stated firmly.")

“No, you have to go, she’s too powerful.” Xander begged(,) “save yourselves!”(Okay... you used a period at the end of your break in your dialog; you should either use a comma instead or capitalize the S in save.)

Ruby was laughing (stick a dramatic word in there; evilly... ) with her twisted shrieks in the back ground(one word!), “You can hide but you can’t run.”(-cough-:P I thought the saying went, "You can run but you can't hide."? )

“This is it,” Sarah bellowed(,) “We’re going to do what we should have done in the first place.”

Rose and Madeline stood petrified, cowering to the circling Ruby above.

“Listen,” Sarah said(,) “ We must say the forbidden spell.”

“Sarah…” Madeline [s]said warningly[/s](warned)(,) “We don’t know…”

“I don’t care anymore!” Sarah screamed(,) “You hear that Ruby? You’re done!”

[s]Ruby was mounting their fear by circling above them, she liked to torture her prey and kill them with fear in their very words. Ruby was very smart in this instance because she knew how to do it very well.[/s] (Ruby circled above them, causing the fear inside of them to grow. She liked torturing her prey with their own fear. She knew how to do it perfectly from long times of experience.)

Sarah started the spell:

“I call upon thee
To give me the key
To end a witches life
Strip them from strife
To end their life”
A black, electrifying orb grew in between her hands and she opened them further as it grew.

“Ha,” Ruby squealed (,)“Don’t hurt me Sarah, oh please don’t!(") She laughed maniacally.

Sarah’s eyes [s]grew[/s](widened) with anger [s]and[/s] (as) she thrust the Death Ball into the night, aiming right for Ruby’s twisted heart. Ruby shrieked and began to laugh as the orb came closer,(.) She hung in the air waiting for it arrogantly. Madeline, Rose, and Sarah looked up and saw Ruby thrust her right hand forward and open a portal. [s]The portal looked like a jagged tooth, They looked inside and it seemed endless.[/s]
The Death Ball was absorbed through the (endless, jagged portal.) It closed, showing Ruby’s ugly face, her eyes black.

[s]She laughed and it[/s] (Her laugh) turned into a scream as she swooped towards the Canaby sisters.
They panicked (;)[s]and[/s] all they could think of was to hide their faces and duck down as if that would have saved them from her wrath. Xander, noticing that they were helpless, cast his power out to Ruby. Unsuspecting, she was hit by his blue, mind controlling rings,(.) Her head turned blue and she fell [s]five feet[/s] to the ground off her staff.

She lay immobilized on the ground and the sisters, noticing she wasn’t moving, ran [s]next[/s] to Xander.

“Hurry, go,” Xander panted in agony.(, not .) “She is too strong, I can’t keep her long!”

“No,” Madeline shouted.(,) “I’m not leaving you!”

“Yes you are, now go!” Xander shouted, weakening(.)

He materialized their staffs beside him and he shouted (once more), “Go!”

Reluctant to leave him, she looked over at Ruby and did something she thought she never could.

She started to tear up in fear and stress mixed with pain(;) and she said,
“I call upon thee
To give me the key
To end a witches life
Strip them from strife
To end their life”

The big ball of electrifying blackness started to form in her hands and she cried as it did so.

“Madeline!” Rose screamed in disbelief.(,) “You’ll be cursed if she dies!”

“Good.” Was Madeline’s cold response.

She walked over to Ruby’s limp body, her head still growing blue.

“Madeline, I can’t hold her!” Xander Yelled(caps :P; no period; comma,). “Get away from her!”

Madeline looked straight down at Ruby, everything was still. She took the Death Ball and raised it
above her head and slammed it down to Ruby. The seconds drew on like hours and Madeline noticed Ruby didn’t have a blue head. Ruby’s eyes opened and a vortex formed on her back as she lay on her stomach, the Death Ball was lost in the swirling vortex and the vortex slammed shut.

Ruby stood up with (fury in her) black eyes and clasp(ed) Madeline by the throat, squeezing it.

“Thought you could kill me, did you?” Ruby said squeezing harder, her nails starting to cut her neck. “You can think again you insufferable witch!” (Um.. doesn't insufferable mean... like, not being able to suffer?)

Something came over Sarah and she caught fire(.) It was a green fire, that didn’t burn her.

“Let go of her, I’ll tell you once.” She bellowed(.)

Ruby flung Madeline to the ground and welcomed the new threat. (Little note: This made me laugh... imagining it in real life :P, Madeline would have to be like really limp like after that, haha.)

[s]Sarah became infuriated and[/s] (Infuriated, Sarah) turned into a wild beast, she out cast (switch! "She cast out") her arms and two streams of hot fire shot from them. The green fire surrounded Ruby(.) [s]and she[/s] Ruby let out a shriek of pain. She stretched her arms out too and made a T shape (I'm confused... at this.). In both of her arms were black orbs, she levitated and began to spin rapidly making a tornado –ing vortex (spiraling vortex/tornado-like/ funnel like) that consumed the fire.

Ruby, still in the tornado, charged at Sarah. When Ruby hit her, instead of bouncing off and falling, she joined in the spin of the vortex,(.) It turned into a green flamed fury-- green fire ran through the tornado, making it an inferno on the inside. Ruby stopped the vortex because the heat from Sarah’s flame was cooking her inside out.

Sarah flung to the ground and twisted her ankle; Ruby fell back and knocked her head against a rock, knocking her out. (Did Sarah fling herself? Or Ruby? This is awkward... it's like they suddenly deliberately injure themselves)

Rose stood half-bent up against a large, tan boulder, frozen with fear of the intense battle (Ruby was frozen in fear?? Or the boulder?? but boulders... are always frozen, right.). Xander fainted from the pain; Madeline, Sarah and Mary were of no more use. Rose had to end it once and for all. She crept slowly to where Ruby lay unconscious. She wasn’t going to kill her with the forbidden curse; she knew what horrible things came from it. Still afraid, she closed her eyes and opened them, her eyes red in search for a better way, a new spell. She searched for a few more seconds and then she closed them once more and opened them back up, she had found a new spell, or created one anyway. (I sort of revised this a bit without bolding/striking, sorry!)

She began,
“Misusage (Misuse!) of power,
Surely deserves a drain.
Once to make people cower,
Forever you’ll live in pain.
Your powers no more
And for this will be
Eternal and everlasting
Your powers belong to me.”

She drew forth her hand and touched Ruby’s cold shoulder(.) A black, twisting light ran up Rose’s arms and a swirling wind of black encased her, soaking her pale white skin in black (Confusing! "A swirling cloud of black encased her (who? Ruby or Rose?), tinting her pale white skin in black). A moment passed;the power concentrated (maybe use... condensed) itself and slammed into Rose’s chest; she passed out.

(She awoke sometime later to find Madeline, Mary, Sarah and Xander standing nearby.)
It was afternoon and she put her palm up to her head and she said, “Where’s ruby?

“She’s over there,” Sarah laughed “Pathetic huh?”

She pointed and moved out of the way so Rose could see. (Ruby)was in a multicolored force field that they all helped make. Rose heard Ruby’s muffled cries and shrieks that seemed to be filled with fear and pain. Rose smiled.

“You did it Rose, you got rid of her without actually getting rid of her, smart thinking.” Madeline said(.)

“You guys did it, I wasn’t brave enough to face her when she was awake, and I could only face her when she was immobilized!” Rose Said.(no.caps.)

“It was all of us.” Xander said. “We all did our part and we should all be proud.”

“And you took her power!” Mary said. “With it you should be able to do anything now.”

“I don’t want it, something this powerful is too powerful, I don’t want to turn into Ruby.” Rose said

“You won’t, you’ll do great things with it, I’m sure of it.” Mary reassured “Keep it.”

“I have a better idea, sisters over here.” Rose said (,motioning for them to come.)

She walked her sisters about twenty feet from Mary and Xander and (oi! The caps) Bellowed to the heavens, “By the power of three.”

Her sisters copied her, “By the power of three!”

“Let this newly gained power be split!” Rose yelled

She took her sisters by the hands and they all looked up into sky. The portal opening power surged through all of them and they glowed black, and purple electrified above them, shooting into the sky. The wind picked up and storm clouds rolled in, they fainted and hit the ground.


Yay! You finally got it posted! I loved it! The action was perfect.... each chapter is like... filled with action. Not like my story at all :P, mine is wayyyyyy to monotone. Anyways, I really, really liked this chapter; the suspense was great... and, oh the commas. I noticed you put more... but, watch where you put them; it's like this:

Mary, Xander, Sarah, Rose walked over to where Ruby lay.
Whereas it should be:
Mary, Xander, Sarah, AND Rose, walked over to where Ruby lay.

And, watch the way you structure your sentences. You don't have to extend them so long; it's okay to have simple, short sentences versus compound sentences all the time.
It's like this:
The dog walked out onto the porch and strode over to his bowl and took a sip of his water.
This should be:
The dog walked out onto the porch, strode over to his bowl, and took a sip of his water.
OR:
The dog walked out onto the porch; he strode over to his bowl, and took a sip of his water.


And, the word and doesn't have to be used so much... It sounds awkward when you use it more than three times, except if you are naming things. Here's what i mean.

Julie grabbed her camera and turned the switch on and focused on the bird in the tree and pressed the shutter button.

Kind of like what I mentioned up there ^^.
Julie grabbed her camera. She turned the switch on and focused on the bird. When she was satisfied, she quickly pressed the shutter.

See, it helps to incorporate a little character feeling and whatnot and break up the sentence a little bit. Try to avoid using and more than once; try to make twice your limit in a sentence.

Jerry, Maddie, and Cindy piled into the car and left for the movies.

verse.

Jerry, Maddie, and Cindy got into the car and started it and left for the movies.


:roll: I hope I didn't just take you on a roller coaster of confusion.

Anyway, all of that to say just watch the grammar, but thats not an issue because it IS NaNo and nobody is revising yet :lol:.

This part was great; but 8 still rocks :D.

Keep writing! I can't wait for chapter 10!

June :)
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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“You can hide but you can’t run.”(-cough- I thought the saying went, "You can run but you can't hide."? )



Not with this story.. They can hide but they can't run from Ruby, she's too powerful. :wink:
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Oh, I see... That confused me a bit :P. I guess my brain was looking at this part as an individual not as a part of a novel :P. Silly me.
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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That's okay, And i see this was posted at 11:47 ? you late night owl you :D


---Jon---
:D
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:lol: well, of course, I am never in the bed at that time... or ever before 1:30. 1:30 is a stretch too... my bed time is like 3
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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springrain2693 once again has beat me to fixing grammatical errors.

But oh my what suspense!!!!!!!!!!! your great at action pack stories.
Such mind pictures, wow, great job!

She began,
“Misusage of power,
Surely deserves a drain.
Once to make people cower,
Forever you’ll live in pain.
Your powers no more
And for this will be
Eternal and everlasting
Your powers belong to me.”


My favorite spell... very fitting.

Can't wait to read more

I hope my reviews were helpful!
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