WhiteFire

[b] So as I was there thinking as i was about to get ran over by a red truck in popular Los Angeles, California.
So many things went through my head the first was I was trying to think of a good excuse on why I was going to survive the crask of the 16 wheeler truck but yet I was remembering what was more important is that I was alone, all alone trying to stop the mortals world from rotting and dying faliing all together.
Besides the fact that I was about to get ran over and that the driver would get hurt more than me with the amazingly abnormal strength Im with and the way to pale appearance I had that night but more im portant than that I was thinking about my father Jacob over at the 2nd dimension in the city Whitefire quietly watching over his only daughter like the creeping shadow of the night and how everynight he would tell me how much I am alike with my mother Rosella that gave her life trying to save me and accomplished but gave her immortal like to the council of the great law she had not been aware of .
Well lets see whitefire my great city, so far away from it but yet I felt it so close.
I left the life of a princess in whitefire to come here to save this rotting world and fight alone against our enemies from blackfire trying to destroy the world to use their space.
According to my father Jacob great immortal king of whitefire born as a everything.
Warlock, Vampire, Shapeshifter and some other things that he wouldnt tell me.
Well I inherited all those traits from my dear father and from my mom former queen Rosella may she rest in peace.
She the great witchess and vampiress with the heart of a warrior gave her life for me renouncing her powers to me at my birth my dad yet will not tell me why she is not here anymore except that to always carry a memory of her in my heart.
I left my comfort to help this world out and left by orders of King Jacob as in Whitefires all residents fight for good but come with the abilities of great monsters.
One week has here I am in Los Angeles trying to figure if I am able to do all this me Princess Isabelle
camoflauging here as a "human" but as time dreads on very slowly as I am blinded by the bright light of the16 wheeler truck wondering if I can do this what is upcoming for me.
as in the first week of highschool im attending I have already fallen in love with a human which is strictly forbiden by my father.
Currently as I am coming to know all my problems the truck is beeping but I am still just standingstill 3 seconds away.
Oh crap....welcome to my journey .

JujuMayuDreamer14 wrote:So as I was there thinking as i was about to get ran over by a red truck in popular Los Angeles, California.(This confuses me much; drop the "As" after the thinking. Try "In the middle of popular Los Angeled, Ca...")
So many things went through my head(;) [s]the first was[/s] (First,) I was trying to think of a good excuse on (for, not on) why I was going to survive the crask (crash) of the 16 wheeler truck(comma!,) but [s]yet[/s] (at the same time, ) I was remembering [s]what was more important is[/s] that I was alone,(. not,) (All) [s]all[/s] alone trying to stop the mortals world from rotting and dying faliing (failing or falling.) all together.

Besides the fact that [s]I was about to get ran over [/s] (I was about to be run over,) and that the driver would get hurt more than me with the amazingly abnormal strength Im (I'm) with (very confusing! "Besides the fact that I was about to get run over and the driver would be hurt more than me since I possessed an amazing strength and a way too pale appearance?") and the way to pale appearance I had that night (. But more importantly, I was thinking about my father, Jacob. He was over at the second dimension in the Whitefire city, quietly watching over his only daughter like a creeping shadow in the night. He used to tell me how much I am like my mother, Rosella, who gave up her life trying to save me. She succeeded, but in doing so she gave her immortality up to the Council of the Great Law that she had not been aware of. ) [s]but more im portant than that I was thinking about my father Jacob over at the 2nd dimension in the city Whitefire quietly watching over his only daughter like the creeping shadow of the night and how everynight he would tell me how much I am alike with my mother Rosella that gave her life trying to save me and accomplished but gave her immortal like to the council of the great law she had not been aware of .[/s]
Well lets see whitefire my great city, so far away from it but yet I felt it so close. (Although I was so far away from the great Whitefire city, I felt so close to it.)
I left the life of a princess in whitefire to come here to save this rotting world and fight alone against our enemies from blackfire trying to destroy the world to use their space.(I gave up the life of a princess in Whitefire to come here and save this rotting world, and fight alone against our enemies of Blackfire. The enemies were trying to destroy the world and use its space.)
[s]According to my father Jacob great immortal king of whitefire born as a everything.[/s] (That's what my father, the great, immortal king Jacob had told me. He had been born as everything; a Warlock, Vampire, Shapeshifter, and some other things he refused to tell me. )
Warlock, Vampire, Shapeshifter and some other things that he wouldnt tell me.
Well I inherited all those traits from my dear father and from my mom former queen Rosella may she rest in peace. (I inherited most of these traits from my parents.)
She the great witchess and vampiress with the heart of a warrior gave her life for me renouncing her powers to me at my birth my dad yet will not tell me why she is not here anymore except that to always carry a memory of her in my heart. (My mother, the former Queen Rosella-- who was also a Witch and Vampiress with the heart of a warrior-- gave her life for me when she renounced her powers to me at my birth. My father will not tell me anything about her and why she is not here anymore. He only tells me to always carry a memory of her in my heart.)
[s]I left my comfort to help this world out and left by orders of King Jacob as in Whitefires all residents fight for good but come with the abilities of great monsters.[/s] (You kind of stated something similar to that already!)
[s]One week has here I am in Los Angeles trying to figure if I am able to do all this me Princess Isabelle
camoflauging here as a "human" but as time dreads on very slowly as I am blinded by the bright light of the16 wheeler truck wondering if I can do this what is upcoming for me.[/s] (One week has passed since I came to Los Angeles, and I am still trying to figure out if I can do all of this. I walked the streets, camouflaged as a human deep in thought when I was temporarily blinded by the bright lights if the truck. )


as in the first week of highschool im attending I have already fallen in love with a human which is strictly forbiden by my father. (Everything passed through my head; the life I left behind, the troubles I faced, and even beginning highschool-- I had already fallen in love with a human although my father had forbid that entirely. )
Currently as I am coming to know all my problems the truck is beeping but I am still just standingstill 3 seconds away. (I was trying to sort out all of my problems in those milliseconds; the troubles spinning through my head, the truck beeping, people shouting at me to move. Yes I just stood there; still.) (Only three second until...)
Oh crap....welcome to my journey .

I think it was decent. It holds potential for a good story, but it was extremely confusing! You seemed to jump around from one event to another a little too fast . I would like to read the story though! Take care and keep practicing!

Well I'm not going to sit here and pick out all your gramatical errors. You need a little work like everyone else. This story seemed like a first draft, you need to start looking over your work after you write it so you can get it perfect. As for the story, it was interesting, I felt compelled to find out more, i'm sure the rest of it would be pretty good.

Good job.

Well, the story line sounds interesting. First of all this

"Besides the fact that I was about to get ran over and that the driver would get hurt more than mewith the amazingly abnormal strength Im with and the way to pale appearance I had that night but more im portant than that I was thinking about my father Jacob over at the 2nd dimension in the city Whitefire quietly watching over his only daughter like the creeping shadow of the night and how everynight he would tell me how much I am alike with my mother Rosella that gave her life trying to save me and accomplished but gave her immortal like to the council of the great law she had not been aware of."

Is just one long sentence the way you have it. You need to look over your writing. I know, I miss a lot of mistakes in my own writing, but when I read it out loud I get a lot of them so read it out loud and see if what you are saying makes sense.

Like everyone else there are a few errors in your writing. I really do like the back ground though, and the fact he's about to get hit by a truck and flashing back is a very good start. All in all I really like the piece and there's nothing fatally wrong so congrats =D Just read it over, check for mistakes, and keep getting better.