Love

Love shows through your eyes and burns through my heart
It’s a feeling hard to deny
Bold and happy
It’s there
Lifts all souls up to heaven and sings
Heaven opens to angels
Light shines down on Earth from above
Brilliant radiance is all seen
Warmth from no-where shines through fear
Comfort the heart
Warm the soul
Dare I?
Feel the lightness of an angel
Connected by love to a world of wonders
Known by many before
Beginnings lies ahead
Thy Home carries love
Only brought by wants
Wishes
Share the everlasting
Joyous, content
Let nothing earthly
Penetrate the good before you
For times after
It is far more eloquent than you
Beauty rains forever
Upon the love so dear
Hold fast
And always keep it near
If you tend to lose it
You might well choose it
Come and gather at the ball
Sway away within the hall
For before the times end
And goodness
Along with ignorance
Is but a calling card
For this journey
The Creator bequeath you
The greatest adventure
To live
Love
And accept
That alone
Is what lay before
You
But words are the communication
So what truly lays
Before your eyes?

I wrote this when I was 11 or 12. I decided to post it because it's pretty good, not my best, but okay. I voted yes for my poll.

Wow, I really like this, especially since you wrote it when you were so young. I like how the rhyming scheme is random, it adds to the mood of the poem. Good job and keep writing!

~Jamie

Please review. I need critiques on my poetry.

In desperate need of reviews... please?

SeleneForeverDream wrote:Love shows through your eyes and burns through my heart
It’s a feeling hard to deny
Bold and happy

I'm disappointed; I expected an analogy to the sun or some other fiery entity, considering you've used the line "burns through my heart". Since you didn't tie it tangibly to any other part of the piece nearby, this line is cliched because the "burns" now means...nothing, really. It's just a fanciful expression and good poets should stay away from those unless they can help the reader relate to that image of burning love. You have not done so. Take out the "burns through my heart" or include a reference to something that is, well, burning, if you want this to sound original.

It’s there

That's clear by now. This line is unnecessary.

Lifts all souls up to heaven and sings
Heaven opens to angels
Light shines down on Earth from above
Brilliant radiance is all seen
Warmth from no-where shines through fear

Warmth comes from nothing? I thought you said that warmth comes from love. Your metaphors don't match, which can be very confusing for a reader trying to delve into the poem past the superficial level. Connect them, or this poem won't make much sense.

Comfort the heart
Warm the soul
Dare I?
Feel the lightness of an angel
Connected by love to a world of wonders
Known by many before
Beginnings lies ahead
Thy Home carries love

The archaic language near the end is not needed. Why use "Thy"? Does it stand any purpose? It only remotely works if you're referring to the House of God or something, and even in that case, you don't need to resort to old English.

Only brought by wants
Wishes
Share the everlasting
Joyous, content
Let nothing earthly
Penetrate the good before you
For times after
It is far more eloquent than you
Beauty rains forever
Upon the love so dear
Hold fast
And always keep it near

The idea and fluidity of the words is good here, but the line breaks are disjointed. In some places, whole phrases are split into two or three pieces, while in others, a phrase is left largely alone. This not only makes the poem seem like it has been strung out to its maximum extent but also distorts the meaning. We apply weight to words that shouldn't have any, and don't apply weight to words that should.

If you tend to lose it
You might well choose it

If you lose something, you choose it? This theme does not match with what you were trying to say above.

Come and gather at the ball
Sway away within the hall
For before the times end
And goodness
Along with ignorance
Is but a calling card
For this journey
The Creator bequeath you
The greatest adventure
To live
Love

Ah, so the narrator is still in the House of God. Very well. I do not see why you are using colloquialism in some places, almost spontaneously, while holding up romanticized English language in others. For example "calling card" is woefully out of place in such stanza that's supposed to be about the immaterial - heaven, wonder, love, joy, etc. We don't want to be dragged back to Earth until the end of the piece.

And accept
That alone
Is what lay before
You
But words are the communication
So what truly lays
Before your eyes?

Again, the way the stanza has been split up randomly saps away any profound meaning this section could have had (I was able to catch your theme somewhere in this last section, but the line breaks made it elaborately difficult for me to do so). Focus on clearing up your lines, not just in this stanza, but in general. The idea of this poem, the theme, is nothing to complain about but I feel that it is too ephemeral to last long - clouds, vague concepts of love, all of these aren't tied together by any concrete visualization, and so they are lost. Compare them; use analogies that the reader can reflect to. Using Heaven and other vaporous analogies does not do favors for this poem. Other than that, the piece is well done.

Hope that helped.

You wrote this when you were 11 or 12?
God, it doesn't seem like that!
This poem has a deep emotion and it really touches my heart.
I really enjoyed this.