To Swallow a Swallow

Have you ever wanted to swallow a swallow,
curious if her melody and merriment
might down into your stomach follow?
I have - I tried to push her past my lips,
so certain I could consume her;
to consummate our fluttering blood, in drips,
was my desire.

Like a fool I forced her farther in,
wings lashed lips and claws tore tongue,
until the blood bathed our sultry skin.
My desperate darling cawed for release,
while I quenched, with her, my thickening thirst.
Through a seraph’s song I hoped for peace,
but a swallow makes ardor all the worse.

Haha. That's a really gross, but nice poem.

I like the image and metaphor you're trying to convey, and I think it works out nicely. Correct me if I'm wrong: You want to be happy, so you do all you can to be happy, but even then, you are still frustrated.

I'm guessing that's what this is about?

to consummate our fluttering blood, in drips,

This is the only line I didn't like. I stumbled over the word 'comsummate'. And besides, the line doesn't really make any sense, if you think about it. I understand what you're trying to convey, but it doesn't really... uh, work?

I fail at poetry. Excuse my ramblings. I just felt that I should tell you what I liked and didn't like about it. I'm not expert at poetry, so forgive me if this critiqued sucked to high heck.

-Jared

Ooooh. I like this! It was a bit gross, and I agree with BBB (man, I still want to say Jared). That line was a little bit tricky to understand.
What I got from this, was that you are trying to do something impossible. And despite that you know it is, you keep on trying. Sounds like us stubborn humans, does it not?
I liked it though. Good job!

Hi Suzanne! Since I'd heard so much about this poem from you, I figured I would try to review it.

Anyway, this is interesting matter for a poem. I rather like it, you portray the act of swallowing a swallow in such good form. I have to disagree with Bear on this one. I think that consummate works, because not only does it sound like consume, but it also references love, which you reference again with the word ardor at the end of the second part. So, in a way, both of these words tie the poem together, in my opinion.

Through a seraph’s song I hoped for peace,

but a swallow makes ardor all the worse.

My favorite lines of the poem. Just simply amazing.

So, I think this is a nice poem, Suzanne. I liked it a lot.

I like it but at the same time I hate it, I'm not sure why, maybe because of your word choice? I don't exactly know but I think it's too short, therefore hard to critique, maybe it's just me, something feels awkward in your poem, I'm sorry that I cannot put my finger on it, it's very disturbing but quite lovely at the same time, maybe your trying too hard? Or maybe I'm missing the entire point of it. I didn't even understand what you were exactly doing, eh if I could rate this on a scale of 1-10 it would probaby be a 4, since I don't exactly get it. Sorry for rambling best of luck!

-Max

Wow Suze, very sick and yet so beautiful.

I like how it goes past limits tastefully. Usually when poets write, they try not to put bad images into the readers heads, well some, I guess. It flowed well and I think the word consumate fits. I'm sorry if I couldn't be helpful, but this was a wonderful piece.

Keep writing,

~Angel

The image is whimsical and much to my taste. I think this poem could be improved by giving a bit more attention to meter.

This poem has no set meter, and it probably should not. The main issue here is when the stressed syllables crowd in awkward places in your line. This takes away the reader's attention from the poem and brings it to the difficulty. This is like in a play when something technical goes awry, like a mic buzzes. As much as the audience is forgiving and wants to forget about it, you should do your best to avoid these distractions.

For example: in your first line, you have two trochees and then two dactyls and then a trochee. This is the most natural way of reading it. All the important words are accented, and the line flows fairly fluidly. in the next line, we have a small problem. At the end of the line ("melody and merriment") it is not clear how to read it. We don't want to accent the and, but melody and merriment are natural dactyls. The and is the odd man out and throws off how we read merriment. This is nitpicking surely, but a lot of these small things contribute to an overall unease in reading. The second stanza is better at some points, but your caesuras confuse the reading and make it a bit more frustrating.

Good, really it is. If you did not revise it, it would be a whimsical piece nonetheless.

Oh Suuuz-

I love the cheery morbidity of this poem. It truly is fantastic, and a unique concept, or at least one I've never encountered before! Originality points for you. Although, the cheery morbid tone coupled with a bird reminds me of the Neutral Milk Hotel song "Little Birds", except they're coming out of his mouth ... *shifty recommendation!*

I really enjoy the construct of the poem, and cannot offer any amazing criticism. One thing I can say is in this part:

I have. I tried to push her past my lips,

"I have" seems like an awkwardly short sentence to have in a poem, so perhaps you could have a dash instead? "I have - I tried to push her past my lips", so the pause is more brief. It doesn't really matter so much though.

And I agree with Con on the best line:

Through a seraph’s song I hoped for peace,
but a swallow makes ardor all the worse

You wit you! I love it. On that note, I also love the title.

*throws praise like confetti and flees*

~ Clo

I liked what you wrote. I have a really good vocabulary but your poem was kind of hard for me to understand. One of the most important things as a writer is to make sure you connect with the reader and that they understand the message that you are trying to convey. I know there was a message to what you wrote but I did not understand it clearly. Your writing is good, don't get me wrong but I believe you could shed a little more light as to what you are trying to get across. I'll read it one more time to see if I get something different. Good luck and good stuff!

I liked it, though I must agree that it is a bit gross. The line (or part of a line, at least), "My desperate darling," is a bit odd. You are eating the poor thing, therefore showing it cruelty; calling it 'darling' seems like an oxymoron. If the swallow was indeed darling to you, why would you be eating it?

BUT, other than that, I really enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work!

Dude! XD

Okay, so Grif, Sgt Salt, and I critiqued this. Sort of. XD Um... yeah! I rated the film 13+ because there is totally talk about sort of sexual references of the oral variety (hey, you were asking for it!) but you're an adult, so you can deal with it. And there's also Grif making a Godzilla noise... and there's me making bird noises. Yep. And, somewhere in between, we comment on your poem and tell you what we think.

So! Hope this helps!

http://revver.com/video/1349455/affilia ... a-swallow/

Um... yeah. Hopefully this will brighten up your day.

This amused me. I love the rhyme, and I love the dark humour. I really loved the contrast in;
"until the blood bathed our sultry skin." I also love "my desperate darling". The ending is very effective, and, as a whole, it flows well. My only suggestion is that you put "her" before "release", as I think it sounds better.