The light from the surrounding city gave the park trees phantom like shadows that changed with the fleeting breeze. I stared at the small white cross standing tall like a holy sentry among a sea of burnt low candles and rain ruined stuffed monkeys. Only one candle stood fresh and lit new. A passing breeze danced a quick dance with the bright flame. Gold letters that spelt the name “Kimberly Marie Ashdown” and the numbers “1989-2007” were ghostly illuminated by the dancing flame. My hand clamped tight around Zippo ® lighter that lit the single, simple, small blaze. Shifting my weight I looked over the now gloomy park.
It was only one month ago that my little sister died. The park that I was sitting in now had changed to a memorial for the very much missed girl. From my seat in the park I could barely hear the many voices of over excited high school students. I knew that it was Kimmy’s graduation and, as her big brother, I should be over there but I could not stand the memories.
“Why Kimmy?” I asked the memorial. The monkeys stared back at me with no expression as the candle flickered. There was no way that Kimmy would answer. She died April 30th 2007 because I could not be there for her. She had been walking through this very park toward my collage because I had borrowed her car. She was walking because of me. This is what I convinced myself of. The mugger chose her because of her Amber crombie &Fitch shirt, Hollister jeans and sidekick phone. He spilled her blood on this very spot because she cried out for me and I was not there for her. She could only reach her phone and call me in her dying moments to call me and whisper where she was.
I looked at the building that she should be graduating and tears spilt into my eyes.
“Everything has changed so much in one month Kimmy,” I confessed to the moving shadows and silent monkeys.
“Allen has a new girl. God, I can remember how much you loved him and would stay by him even though he was cheating on you. You were the only one that didn’t see it. Her name is Lacy or Macy or something like that. Allen doesn’t come to your grave much either. He’s not even here tonight,” I laughed, “I gave him a black eye. Maybe that’s why he’s not here.”
The smile faded from my face. Allen Webber did not deserve my little sister when she was alive. It was not even one week past her death when that new girl replaced Kimmy. There was not much that I could do though. I had tried to tell her when she was alive but she was as stubborn as anyone in the family.
“Mom and dad don’t talk now,” I informed one of the monkeys, “They are getting a divorce this summer. Right after I get an apartment. They can’t take not having their daughter. Remember how we would fight over the chair by the window? HA! Of all things to fight over too. It did have a great view though. Mom would make us play rock-paper-scissors like we were kids again. I should have let you have the seat the last time,” my gaze shifted to another monkey.
“You know how you were captain? Of the cheer squad? Yeah, they replaced you with that one girl that tried to overthrow your little reign. They were going straight to first place when you were alive. When she took over they got kicked out. The new girl was stealing moves from other schools. “
I looked at the starry sky. There was no way that my little sister could hear me from here.
“Kimmy,” I said with such sadness in my voice, “everyone can move on but me. Why? My grades were dropping, my girl friend broke up with me and I am not going to work anymore.”
I stopped speaking as tears ran down my face. I missed Kimmy with all of my soul. She kept my heart beating. My little sister was lost because of me. My head jerked up as someone put their hand on my shoulder. It was Kimmy!
“It is okay,” she said as she walked over to the single lit candle, “I am in a better place now. There is no pain where I am. All I feel is love. All I feel is joy. I watch you and know that the day you come here you will know the peace that I have. You must live on for me. You must.”
She moved and blew out the last candle. As she faded away with the smoke she took my worry, fear and pain with her back to the brilliant heavens.
