Fallen

The thunder comes crashing down
shes pierced by the sound
The rain falls
and she cries
lays awake late at night
hiding behind her lily whit lies
it's days like this she wonder's why
you try to resist her pull
but your falling into her world
she exists everywhere
but you wont find her here
she will rise above the earth
proud and defiant
someday she'll stand against the currents
she flies through the sky
but the moonlight never quite pierce's her eyes
her laughter flows like the wind
The darkness is slowly closing her in
she whispers one last prayer
hoping someone will hear
what else is there left to fear
where will I go from here...

Hello anyone who reads this lol I wrote this yesterday and finished it today so what do you think? I'm feeling iffy about it
Arashi

i liked it it's well strutured and the words flow right. i think that's what i have too say. hum... just one question: trough all your poem you onlymention her. what did u mean in the end when u say I? call me slow but i just dont see it. anyway great poem

Lol haha I should have said "where will I go from here?" sorry my bad I wanted it to be her silent unheard plea thanks for the comment you rock!

Hi, Arashi , It’s lovely to meet you! To begin I have a bit of a line by line and then I’ll make more general comments. ^^ Here we go:


"The thunder comes crashing down You need some punctuation here, I’d suggest a comma, possibly a dash considering your next line.

shes pierced by the sound “She’s” Also: You need to punctuate.

The rain falls

and she cries Why are these two lines split? You would do much better to keep them together and continue on from there. You also need to punctuate.

lays awake late at night You HAVE to punctuate for this to make sense.

hiding behind her lily whit lies “white” I’m not sure why her lies are “lily white” is it because of innocence? This isn’t connecting exactly with the “pierced” imagery from earlier.

it's days like this she wonder's why “wonders” without the apostrophe.

you try to resist her pull Use a full stop here.

but your falling into her world “You’re” I would suggest losing the “but” as well.

she exists everywhere I would suggest placing a dash before and after this line.

but you wont find her here I think you should love the “but” here and “wont” is actually “won’t”. There’s a problem in your placing here. You’ve said “you’re falling into her world” but now you use “here” which jars. I’d suggest taking this line out completely, in the end.

she will rise above the earth why, why will she? Why have we suddenly slipped into a icky “goddess” type thing. It’s too much for what you’ve started with.

proud and defiant

someday she'll stand against the currents

she flies through the sky

but the moonlight never quite pierce's her eyes

her laughter flows like the wind

The darkness is slowly closing her in

she whispers one last prayer

hoping someone will hear

what else is there left to fear

where will I go from here..."

Okay, I had to stop the line by line because it can all be said at once. Your attempt at rhyme toward the end is poor and ineffectual and I would suggest nixing it all together. You lose the thread of your poem, I think. To begin with there’s it at least a strength in what you’re writing, it’s solid. The further you go, however, the less solid it gets; we lose all footing as you rant about this girl and how amazing she’s going to be or whatever. You need to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it, here. It needs to be consistent.

I’m not actually sure what you intend from this poem. You use first person in the last line (You should nix the ellipses and have a single full stop here) which is at odds with the second person you use throughout the rest of the poem. I’d suggest taking that out completely. There’s little plot to the poem itself, although you begin it as narrative poetry. As I’ve said, you lose what purpose you had when you begin ranting about the woman’s traits.

The ranting about the woman is especially grating, considering it’s a sense of “oh wow look at her!” with no purpose. She’s just some randomly amazing woman, when she begins with the usual angst. The best I can tell you at this point is to pay attention to what you want to say and move on from there, this poem screams of a confused intention and the idea that you just let it go without altering the pointless elements.

Finally, I cannot stress too much to you, at all, how important punctuation is to your poem right now. Without it I can’t tell where you start or end, there’s just great confusion for me. As it is your lines run together and I lose the thread of what you’re intending to say. You need to remember that poems tend to be read the same way as fiction does, we need the punctuation to take our cues from.

I hope I don’t seem too harsh, I definitely think you have a base to work with here, you’ve got good emotion and the progression of thunder to girl was good. I stress to you that poetry is often subjective, but I hope you’ll still pay attention to what I’ve suggested.

Good luck with this, I think you can alter it quite well!

*Hearts* Le Penguin.