Wings Of The Chosen: Book Of Seals

Wings of the Chosen:
Book of Seals

Chapter One:

You know the saying “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”?
Well it doesn’t help if that girl is from hell and just to let you know she really was from there.
Well not her whole life, well she wasn’t really “alive” but…she kind of was.
Ugh! You’ll just have to read on to figure out what I’m tying to say.
My name is Sam.
I’m your pretty average teenager, although my black hair was unnaturally curly.
Not too short, not too tall; not that buff, not too skinny.
Average, oh I really wish that were true.
Anyway one year ago, a couple of days before Christmas break and only a few days until my eighteenth birthday,
I woke up, surrounded by darkness.
My room didn’t have any windows.
I just sat there doing nothing,
I always do that to prepare for my day; I sit there and just empty my mind of all the stress that I will probably have.
I can tell you’re exhilarated right now, but trust me it gets better.
I got up and switched on the lights.
Every inch of the walls were covered with posters of my favorite bands.
Dashboard Confessional, Boys like Girls, etc.
I like music; good music not the lame stuff they keep on playing on the radio after you’ve heard it fifty times in a row.
I scratched my head and gave a yawn. I hate mornings.
I went over to my dresser and got some clothes; nothing special a black t-shirt, jeans and a grey hoodie.
I don’t really care how I dress because I’m not one of those people who care about the way I look and I don’t really care about my grades either.
I just live life.
“Sam, hurry up or you’ll be late to school!”
That was my mom calling from downstairs.
I gave another sigh, I do that a lot.
I walked down stairs to find my mom waiting by the door; a small woman wearing a lime yellow dress shirt and a brown skirt.
She was a social worker and had to dress like that incase you were wondering.
She smiled at me with her bright green eyes,
“Happy birthday sweetie.” She said to



We walked outside and I saw it and shook my head at that bright yellow truck.
My mom had a thing for yellow.
You could tell it was old but it still looked better than it should considering how old it was.
Unfortunately I was grounded from my own car because I came home one minute late from my curfew; she was weird like that.
My mom was already walking towards the car when I asked her.
“Why do we even have this ugly thing?”
“Because we don’t have the money for a new one and it gets great gas mileage. Besides I’ve had this car since I was your age.”
“Yeah back when they invented the wheel.” I muttered so she wouldn’t hear me.
When we got into the car my mom started talking the usual way she did while I was staring out the window.
Saying what she had to do, when her favorite shows were coming on, and wishing someone would rub her feat
I loved my mom to death, but she had no earthly idea how to start a conversation.
“It seems like yesterday when I came home with you from the hospital…”
She started to sniffle.
Great here come the crocodile tears.
I quickly put in my headphones and turned on my IPod; desperately trying to tune her out. I could still she kept on going on about embarrassing stories from when I was a baby.
I turned the volume all the way up but still I could hear her ramble on.
She kept on talking about the time when I was younger; I would be watching Charlie and The Chocolate Factory and dance along to the Umpa Lumpa songs just wearing diapers.
Surprisingly the urge not to go to school was decreasing less and less.



The agonizing drive over was finally over, but the agonizing day at school had just begun.
This was a B-School though it had the worst reputation for behavior.
I had three girls in my homeroom that were pregnant all by the same guy.
Also there were three guys that would sell people cigarettes in the third floor bathroom in the main building during study hall.
How do I know this? Well let’s just say that no one can keep a secret.
I got to my locker and opened it. It was messy from top to bottom with crumpled up pieces of paper, candy wrappers and other pieces of trash.
I sighed; I shared my locker with my friend Abe.
Abe was not much of an organizer.
Then I saw his coming towards me; blonde hair with a blue Hawaiian shirt with a white undershirt and khaki shorts.
I know what you’re thinking; surfer dude.
Well the fact is he was a skater dude; I hung around weird people.
“Sup dude.” He doesn’t have the most extensive vocabulary.
I opened my locker “Nothing much.”
“So when are you having the birthday party?”
“Not having one.”
“Dude why not?”
“Well, besides the fact that only you and my mom would show up, I don’t want one this year.”
“But dude, I can get pretty much all the school to come out!”
Great another one of his hair brained schemes.
The last time we tried one, we tepeed someone’s house. Though after we were done that someone’s dad came running out with a shotgun.
Lucky for us we were able to outrun him.
Since then I haven’t been so keen on trusting his ideas.
What he came up with this time I had no idea.
But just to humor him I asked him how.
“They’ll go because the most popular girl in school will be going.”
I stopped fumbling through my locker and stared at him in unbelief.
“Don’t even Abe, like she would talk to us.”
“Well maybe not to you but we’re already going out.”
This wasn’t like Abe making up crap like this and frankly I was just plain annoyed.
“Whatever Abe I’ll catch you later.”
I closed my locker and left for my first period.
As I walked away I could hear him yell after me “I’m not making this up man!”
I just shook my head and continued to walk away.


What I have so far.
Just wanted some critiquing
When I post more the beginning sentances will make sense.
Should I make the capter longer?

The idea is good and all, but it isn't written in a story format. It just seems like someone's schedule and their remarks. Also you could add a little more of a plot in there that connects to the main idea, a girl from hell. But that's just my criticism.

I like it. It could actually go far. A prologue would be kind of nice. It would actually make the story better. Otherwise I love your idea! Keep going 'cause I want to know what happens next!

Hao_Nguyen wrote:The idea is good and all, but it isn't written in a story format. It just seems like someone's schedule and their remarks. Also you could add a little more of a plot in there that connects to the main idea, a girl from hell. But that's just my criticism.

So how should I change that?

oboemagic_1414 wrote:I like it. It could actually go far. A prologue would be kind of nice. It would actually make the story better. Otherwise I love your idea! Keep going 'cause I want to know what happens next!

I'll try to get the prolouge in.

P.S. If this is a more serious story, and it sounds like it is, then "buff" is not a good word choice.

Another thing-
Fluidity is praised in writing. Fluidity would be praised in this writing. It sounds maybe a bit frantic. Like you had to finish this story in 5 minutes. Use eloquency and nice transactions to make it smoother. Question: Is this "girl from hell" going to be good or bad? Biblical phrases could also make this story more deep and maybe mysterious like I'm sure you were intending.

Well, so far this is just ordinary life of any teenage. Try a paragraph form. Just for me it's easier to fallow. The beginning is really weird and I didn't really get it. But other wise I really like it. It got my attention and I would really like to read more. Also just a little note get a little more sensory imagery in there. It makes it come even more to life.

Here is the prolouge I came up with.
Hate it like it?
Tips?


Prologue:

In the beginning God created heaven and the angels therein.
In an attempt to over throw God and gain his power the angel Lucifer deceived others to his cause and waged was on the all mighty

And there was a war in heaven; Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought with his angels,
And prevailed not; neither was there a place found any more in heaven
And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.
Revelation 12:7-9

From the day that Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden fruit the world was doomed to end and Satan’s wrath would be dealt to the earth through his forces.

And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword

And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.
And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, a measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine

And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.
Revelation 6: 4-8

And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet color, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication:
And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH.
Revelation 17: 4-5

But the side of God would have its heroes as well.
And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and true, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but him himself.
Revelation 19: 11-12

The Archangel Michael will lead the earth against the devil and his forces for the day of reckoning is nigh.

Beautiful. It will really benefit this piece.

Book of Seals? You mean like those cute blubber animals that perform tricks at Sea World? I'm sorry, but that's what first came to mind and why I checked this story. It made my laugh.

SeleneForeverDream wrote:Book of Seals? You mean like those cute blubber animals that perform tricks at Sea World? I'm sorry, but that's what first came to mind and why I checked this story. It made my laugh.

No seals like a family creast.
I was thinking of changing the title.
But to what I don't know

sorry I haven't posted in a while; school, going to visit family for thanksgiving I haven't had much time to write but I have some of chapter 2.
Well here it is.

Chapter 2

I guess I was not totally mad at Abe for it, but I didn’t like it that he would flat out lie to me like that.
The girl he was referring to was Jezebel Baylon.
Wow was she…hot!
She was also a filthy slut but still she was hot.
Hormones; what can you do?
I got to my first period which was American history.
My history teacher, Mr. Ramos; was an old, Hispanic, fat man who yelled and spat.
He was cool though. He knew a lot of things about politics, government all that crap that no one really cares about.
Luckily he let me get away with sleeping so I really didn’t have to worry about working,
His classroom was covered I pictures of the founding fathers, copies of the constitution and history stuff.
The lights in the back in the room didn’t work so it was dark enough for me to sleep.
That’s exactly what I did.


So the period went by quickly and I was able to wake up 3 minutes before the bell rang.
I was at the edge of my seat ready to leave when I hear, “Sam could you come here please?”
Great! Mr. Ramos was going to make me late for his annual “Try hard and succeed in life” pep talk.
I get them about five times a day; granted three of them are given by my mom.
The bell then rang and everyone except me left.
I really didn’t want to hear about how to achieve in life so I tried to get out of staying.
“I’m going to be late.”
“I’ll write you a pass.”
I rolled my eyes and walked over to his desk at the front of the room.
“Sam I know you don’t like history but…”
Here is comes.
“How do expect to succeed in life if you can’t pass one history class?”
I really didn’t want to get into an argument about how I didn’t care so I just went along with it.
“I don’t know.”
“Well you better start figuring out because we have our exams coming up and if you don’t pass I’m going to have to flunk you.”
He pulled out a pen and note pad.
So I was going to have to cram the day before the test big deal.
“And to make sure you are going to study I am assigning you a tutor.”
He scratched down his signature and the reason I was late.
“She is my top student and if she can’t help you then you deserve to be flunked.”
He tore the paper from the pad and handed it to me.
I took it and left to my next class.

Okay, sorry about my last post. I think you really should change the title, because people view your work based on how interesting your title and description is. I understand why you wanted this as your title, but it might be better if you change it.

So about your second chapter, you should really post it separately from your first, because it's a review, not your second chapter. Also, your format consists of no paragraphs. It looks more like a poem than a story.

Your writing seems a bit informal and that is affecting how the reader views your character. So what if she was a slut? You don't need to say it because your characters reflect how the writer views the world, as well. Being frank in your writing is always encouraged, but then you come up to the too-much-information-alert. At that point it's not okay.

Your story here is just a bit predictable. So he's going to fall in love with who-ever his tutor may be and it's going to go from there. Add some spice to your writing!

Truthfully, I don't think this should be your next chapter, or maybe you should add more. I much prefer your previous chapter, but that's just my opinion. I liked your ideas in chapter one, but chapter two seems a bit too vague on what's going on, where, and there's no description. Use those 5 senses and by the time you add in all that needed detail, you'll have yourself a whole chapter!

I caught a lot more mistakes in this one than in your first chapter, but I'm sure if you checked it over you would catch them. Sorry if I'm a little harsh, but your story has potential.