Kisses in the Rain, Sunsets on the Water

Kisses in the rain
Soft lips gaining purchase, trying
To never part
A forbidden love
One that many would scorn
Not that it stopped them

Two people
Brought together by the system
That would eventually pull them apart
In the end he couldn’t handle it
And walked away into the sunset
Leaving her to face the dark alone

Two souls
As different as black and white
Yet intertwined by an unbreakable force
One that had toppled empires, that exists in
Children’s stories,
That gives every tale a happily ever after
Love

Sunsets on the shining water
Mountains rising in the distance
Two lovers stare at the fading beauty
She grasps a flower, some token
From a forbidden love
It is the only thing she had left

That flower is dead now
Faded, shriveled, forgotten by
All that once knew it
Except its owner
She still has its broken petals
Stashed away in her memory
In there, they aren’t dead

Kisses in the rain and sunsets
On the shining waters
Is all she has left now
Until her next flower appears
To ease the pain in her broken heart
And bring back the petals in her mind
And make them whole again

I liked this poem! Probably because I can relate to it, but no really, this poem is fluent and has great discriptive attributes needed in good poetry..

Overall, I really liked this, but I do have a few suggestions.

1) More punctuation, please. It makes the piece a lot easier to read. Just punctuate it as you would in prose.

2) I'd advise against capitalizing the beginning of every line. I used to do that, but I learned from someone on here that it disrupts the flow and confuses the reader. After you add the proper punctuation, capitalize only the first word of each line. It will make the piece look and flow better.

3)

Two souls

As different as black and white

Yet intertwined by an unbreakable force

One that had toppled empires, that exists in

Children’s stories,

That gives every tale a happily ever after

Love

The way this is worded right now is kind of confusing. Perhaps you could do:

Yet intertwined by an unbreakable force
that has toppled empires,
one that exists in children's stories
that give every tale a happily ever after.
Love.

Or something else that suits your original intent better.

Aside from that, lovely job. I especially liked the last two stanzas. Keep writing!

Interesting. I probably would leave out the last part. Because the whole poem is about true love and "I devote my heart to you...etc." Last part says "Oh, so your gone, but thats okey dokey because I'll find someone else like you" What you want is to say "my heart is broken, whatever shall I do" and use that awesome poetry style you have to say it.

I liked it. You took the words out of my head, because I have been thinking about forbidden love for a while. It was pretty.

Sunsets on the shining water
Mountains rising in the distance
Two lovers stare at the fading beauty
She grasps a flower, some token
From a forbidden love
It is the only thing she had left

I think that was the best part of the poem. It was beautiful and it flowed nicely.
Good job, and gold star!

This poem is terrific! I was wondering what and if the flower resembled something?

Sincerely,

Dustin Drake =D

Amazing. Your poem is incredible. I like the imagery and descriptive details of the forces of the earth you used to bring your poem alive. It made me feel like I was in a foreign place but all so familiar. Your poem is really good. I think that maybe you could embellish a little bit more on the emotions that the two individuals shared with one another to kind of pull the reader in more. Other then that, it was pretty good. What I try to do myself as a writer and poet is to make my emotions become alive and my pain the hurt of the reader. I want the reader to be so ensnared by my writing that they would feel like being no other place in the world except in front of a computer or trembling between the pages of a good book. Awesome! Good Job! Way to go!