I'll be gone, missing you

Ok... I write a lot of poems. Mostly in Portuguese but I also write in English because I think it has words that I can put more feelings into that in Portuguese. Anyway, I'm sorry if it's stinks (hope not!) but I did what i could and I've put my heart into these words! Comments are welcome (even the harsh ones)! i changed it. I mean I wrote a new one... Well they're both based on the same thing, but this one i turned to friendship instead of corrupted love. I wrote the first one by something my friend said about my "problems" but this one is based about her. So here it goes...
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She said "Life is unfair".
"Life isn't unfair, we're just fools
That don't enjoy it properly" I replied.
She laughed with her reasons,
and stayed with her thoughts
I, myself, in despair too,
for someone who did not care.

I lie very well
What can I do? It cheered her up
I hope I burn in hell...
I'm her friend, I want her happiness!
Soon she'll only see darkness;
I really love her, my best friend,
but I have to leave for good.
She might understand...
because she sees me hurt.
I close my eyes, trying to hide it,
Trying to end it.
I open them to a world I hate
Where she is my only mate.

*writewatiwant* wrote:Life is unfair

Bad way to start a poem. It doesn't matter if you speak in English or Portuguese - the fact of the matter is that complaining outright does you no favors, especially when you need to be distancing yourself away from such cliches. The beginning is the most important part of the piece. Give me a metaphor, a deep line, an anecdote, or something else.

Everything I do
Will always be wrong
I can't hurt
"Come on you're strong!"
They say
Why does it has to be their way?
To be free
It's practically dreaming
Me
I'll always come last
This world
It's moving too fast
I'm staying behind
Wrapped up in my mind
i can't seem to see
Everything I was meant to be
I can't seem to be able to
Love, to care
Or even dare!
I complain, but I'm a coward
I will never be able to stand
To scream
"I'm here! I hurt! I cry!"
No one would understand...

The wording was simplistic, but I'll let you off because if I understand correctly, Portuguese is your primary language. As for content...well, it's the same thing over and over again. I can't seem to find any new ideas bubbling up even though I read each line several times. Cliches are present everywhere ("Wrapped up in my mind", "No one understands"). It's typical teenage nonsense, is what it looks like right now. Please tell us exactly what's going on. Maybe give us an example. Even using some imagery and if you want to sprint for it, allegory will make this poem flow much better than it is now.

Ok... you're right! I mean, I am a teenage , but that's not an excuse. i completely agree with you. thanks I'll try to make it better!

I thought it was quite good lol umm I liked the story line and how you defined your relationship with your friend. Good job I hope to read it when youre done revising it.

I like how you did the emotions with 'breaking up' with your friend, i think it is something that most teenage girls can relate to. Also, I loved the vocabulary used!

*writewatiwant* wrote:She said "Life is unfair"
"Life isn't unfair, we're just fools
That don't enjoy it properly" I replied

The last line is too blunt. I don't mean to say that being blunt is always against your interests, but in this case the last line has to connect with the metaphorical image of fools traveling through the years in false solitude, not just a message blurted out at the end.

She laughed with her reasons
And stayed with her thoughts
I, myself, in despair too
For someone who did not care.
I lie very well

I commend your usage of simplicity in this stanza, for the last line here makes the narrator seem unsure of himself and windswept by those he constantly feeds to their own lies (that's a good thing).

What can i do? it cheered her up
I hope I burn in hell
I'm her friend, I want her happiness
Soon she'll only see darkness
I really love her, my best friend
But I have to leave for good
She might understand
Because she sees me hurt.
I close my eyes, trying to hide it
Trying to end it
I open them to a world I hate
Where she is my only mate

Not many comments here. I like the flow of this poem because it seems to naturally fly from one line to the next; however, your repetition of "my friend" and "my best friend" does nothing for the poem. I suiggest taking one of those lines out as the voice starts to sound as if it's complaining rather than self-reflecting.

This was a good revision, I applaud you for cleaning up the poem so well.