In the Dragonfly's Void ~ Chapter One

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I may rework the title...
This chapter is fairly short, but writing it seemed to last forever.
Serious critiques welcome! I may wind up posting the finished story in Advanced Critiques, after posting a few chapters on here. We'll see...
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He fell to the ground, visions swirling in front of his closed eyes.
“Water.” The Voice was back. That damned Voice. “I need water.” The words echoed endlessly through his head. He saw bubbles in hues of blue and black and red grow, merge, mix, separate, and pop.
“Where am I to find my water?” she asked.
The bubbles disappeared. He saw a dragonfly perch itself on the void. It buzzed its wings at him.
The void and the dragonfly were replaced by Maryse’s silhouette. Her figure was framed behind a steamy glass door.
“No…” he mumbled into the ground. “No…”
The fog began to clear, and he could see her in more detail.
He felt the pressure in his pants. He was powerless to stop it.
“Is this where I am to find my water, Jae?”
“No!”
“Then where am I to find my water? I need water.”
“This…is not your water.”
“Who’s water is it, then?”
“It’s…it’s mine!”
“If it is your water, then why do you object to seeing it?”
“No…”
“It is not your water, is it?”
He grimaced into the grass, the most movement he could achieve. “No, it’s not my water.”
“Well, I think it is worth viewing either way. Do you not agree, Jae? It is very pretty water. Perhaps not beautiful, but still quite pretty.”
His heart beat faster. Time slowed. He could almost see the droplets of water trickling down her soft skin. The dragonfly buzzed again, but the sound seemed to come from inside his ears.
“I don’t want to see…”
“What do you not want to see, Jae? This water? But I know you enjoy seeing it. It is very pretty water, Jae.”
He was torn. He did not have the courage to give leave Maryse. He could not imagine continuing life without seeing her, sharing in her bright smiles, and the ecstasy of her laughter.
But he did not want this vision. It wasn’t right.
The buzzing stopped. He had failed to notice it until it was gone.
“If this is not my water, will you search elsewhere until you find it?”
Maryse began to hum a tune. Her clear voice chimed in the silence of the dragonfly’s void. The vision of her, though still present, ceased to create any passion in him. His whole attention was balanced on her voice. There were very few rests, only enough for her to catch her breath. It was melodic, both sad and happy.
Her voice interrupted the song. “Will you?”
He was still entranced by the spell of Maryse’s tune. “Yes,” he answered.
Maryse, the dragonfly, and the void faded, as did the soft hum of her song.
Jae rolled onto his back, squinting up at the lush canopy high above him, and the bits of sun shining through it as the breeze shook the leaves, producing a soft rustling. To his left was a garden of flowers of every color he could imagine, and to his right tall, thick trees as far as he could see.
It was a beautiful day, accented by the gray bleakness weighing on Jae’s heart.
Am I a one eyed hunter of unicorns or a hunter of one eyed unicorns? The world may never know.




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Very creepy. I might be wrong, but I get the impression that by "water" she means she wants to have sex.
Anyway, I couldn't find any glaring errors.




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Just so everyone knows, the word count is now 1,684...I'm just going to post my progress on Adv. Critiques once I have 5000. Until then, feel free to tell me what you think of this chapter.
Am I a one eyed hunter of unicorns or a hunter of one eyed unicorns? The world may never know.




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I agree with Kyte about water sounding like it means sex. The story didn't make a whole lot of sense. I would enjoy it farther if you wrote more and explained a bit more about what is happening. I do like weird stuff though.




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tHIS STORY WAS EXTREMELY INTERESTING TO READ
aLTHOUGH I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT'S GOING ON (HA HA HA)
I AGREE WITH THE OTHER POSTS IT DOES SOUND LIKE ITS TALKING ABOUT SEX...
BUT THE IDEA IS DIFFERENT
I'VE READ NO OTHER STORY LIKE IT.
yOU USE SOME PRETTY GOOD DETAILS:

Jae rolled onto his back, squinting up at the lush canopy high above him, and the bits of sun shining through it as the breeze shook the leaves, producing a soft rustling.


tHIS QUOTE USES SOE NICE FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE!

NO COMPLAINTS AT ALL
CANT WAIT TO READ MORE

MUCH LOV3 :smt059


~* gR3ATN3SS iS m3ASUR3D bY yOU *~
~* gR3ATN3SS iS m3ASUR3D bY yOU *~
~*tAY StAR*~




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First off before the critique:
tay_star92 please turn your caps off.

Okay, so here goes.
The whole story was weird and confusing, and yet I love your writing style. I love how the surroundings were described. I think the same thing about water as the previous people here. I hope you continue this story, so m,aybe that it will make sence and cilck for me. It sounds interesting, its klike a puzzle I want to put all together. Keep up the good work, and good luck with future writing. If you ever need another review, I'll help you out.
As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.




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Hi there.

I think the problem with the piece is that there isn't much happening. About 3/4 of the piece is about Maryse encouraging the narrator to look at the water so that he could see his vision. The same idea is pretty much repeated throughout the piece except that it's worded differently each time.

I don't have a problem with the concept of the piece, you just need to expand your idea out more as there doesn't seem to be much point to it at the moment.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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You need to explain things more. Your writing style is good but through this whole thing I kept going, huh? You really need to explain things a little better. I like cool and weird things. The whole thing is just really confusing to me.




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I really liked the beggining, the imagery was awsome, but for the most part I'm with the rest on this one. It did sound alot like sex, and I didn't quite get what was happening. Even though I read it over a couple of times I lost track of who was saying what. I didn't really find it creepy though. Overall I think it was good.



the only theft here is of decency when carina decided to rob me of my pride and put me on a banana
— veeren