What are you?

This is actually based on stuff that's been going on inside my head for over a week now (actually, several months, but it's become more intense recently). Constructive criticism would be nice, I couldn't be prouder of how I have manifested a significant part of my current mental state, but there's nothing wrong with pursuing perfection (so long as it isn't at the expense of others, of course).

Enjoy!

What are you?


If there were a bunch of roses,
numbering one dozen,
eleven red,
you would be white.

But if in that bunch of roses,
was a thirteenth rose,
and it was white,
would I be able to tell which you were,
by the viciousness of your thorns?

Perhaps you are a bright star,
hanging in the sky,
a beacon to lost heroes,
a redeemer to doubtful villains.

If I were lost in despair,
you would find me,
but if I were lost in pride,
you would only give me more,
and the false day would outshine your star.

Perhaps you are a black hole,
undetectable by sight,
an imprisoner of light,
an executioner of worlds!

If I were to come too close,
you would have me in chains,
but, though my old world would be destroyed,
you would provide a new world,
you take, but you also give.

Perhaps you are insignificant,
a speck of cosmic dust,
floating in the coldness between worlds,
gravitating towards one world,
yet destined to become part of another.

Perhaps you are an angel,
a messenger sent from a better world,
delivering truth,
delivering happiness.

If my world were to be shattered,
you would share your world with me,
but if you saw my world,
you would only retreat to your world,
and you would never suffer my world again.

Perhaps you are a demon,
a succubus, a hedonistic devil,
slowly, quenching your thirst,
slowly, embittering my mouth.

Perhaps you are a mere mortal,
an ordinary human,
living in an ordinary world,
claiming to love someone,
yet destined to fall for another.

Why is it that you are white,
when the others are red?
Why is it that I don't see your thorns,
yet know they are there?
This cannot be mere lust,
yet how can it be love?

I am your friend,
You are my anomaly.

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EDIT:
Thanks for your compliments and criticisms. I've changed the second "insignificant" to tie in more with the previous two stanzas (in a similar way to how the first "insignificant" ties in with the two stanzas before it), let me know if you think it is an improvement or not.
I'm not sure what to change "friend" to. I will consider any suggestions, but if I find anything which is more appropriate, I will change it.

As always, any more criticism (or compliments ) would be appreciated.

Once again, thanks for your comments!

Wow, this was really powerful and I enjoyed it =)

Couldn't see anything wrong with it tbh.

Perhaps you are a demon,

a succubus, a hedonistic devil,

slowly, quenching your thirst,

slowly, embittering my mouth.



Perhaps you are insignificant,

an ordinary human,

living in an ordinary world,

claiming to love someone,

yet destined to fall for another.

My favourite lines ^_^

i rather loved this


Perhaps you are insignificant,

an ordinary human,

living in an ordinary world,


Perhaps you are insignificant,

a speck of cosmic dust,

floating in the coldness between worlds,


i think you should change one of the "insignificant"s because its a little jarring, but thats really the only thing i could find to change. I love the imagery of the roses and then all the big spacey stuff, its a great contrast of traditional symbols of love and then more abstract almost science fictioney ones.

I really liked it. I know i said that already XD

its clear you've put a lot of thought into it.

I love the last line, though I think you could try changing the "i am your friend" to something a little less obvious or blunt. But im not helpful enough to suggest what you could change it to.


^^

WOW hhahaha havnt been touched by a poem like that in a while...amazing read!

oh mon dieu. this is really amazing.

i loved the imagery. i think it is really beautiful. you go from roses to stars to black holes to cosmic dust (nice astronomy, by the way) to angels to demons to humans. i love how they're mostly opposites too, like maybe you're this! or this! and i get that feeling of somebody that you cannot figure out.

my favorite part: If my world were to be shattered,
you would share your world with me,
but if you saw my world,
you would only retreat to your world,
and you would never suffer my world again.

amazing.
i don't like the title though, it seems a little boring. are you writing about love? it sounds like it. it sounds like you're saying, "i love you, each and every one of you, i love you all". anyway, great work. (:

I really love the imagery in this poem. It is truly amazing. I really enjoyed the way you moved from from a rose (capturing its beauty, I must say) to the "cosmic dust" and space and then toward angels and demons. As I think you're writing about love, I love the way you take love over a lot of things.
Besides that, what exactly is the theme, if not love. Or is it a little private?
No matter, , loved it!

My favorite lines as I love the sense of it. (Sorry can't explain myself better)

"Perhaps you are an angel,

a messenger sent from a better world,

delivering truth,

delivering happiness.

Perhaps you are a demon,

a succubus, a hedonistic devil,

slowly, quenching your thirst,

slowly, embittering my mouth."

This is great!!!!

It's been a long time (No offense towards the other writers. I'm actually including myself.) since I read such a great poem.

If there were a bunch of roses,
numbering one dozen,
eleven red,
you would be white.

But if in that bunch of roses,
was a thirteenth rose,
and it was white,
would I be able to tell which you were,
by the viciousness of your thorns?

and

Why is it that you are white,
when the others are red?
Why is it that I don't see your thorns,
yet know they are there?
This cannot be mere lust,
yet how can it be love?

I am your friend,
You are my anomaly.

The entire idea about the white rose with the other red roses is well thought out.
To me, I see it as a symbol. Where everyone is trying to be someone else, just better, or just living ordinary lives, going on with everyday work, those are the red roses.
The white rose is the 'outsider' and more powerful, but also trying to hide the past.

Why is it that I don't see your thorns,
yet know they are there?

Really good.

All in all it is an outstanding poem.

Wow. I really liked it, and it's so true. I loved the last lines, "I am your friend, You are my anamoly." Oh, how I can relate. Deeply touched. Amazing job!