Hand In Hand

Candles all raised high,
against the growing dark.
The fire in our eyes,
the fire in our hearts.
The passion of the hour,
may yet withstand the night.
And don't believe their lies,
that we are all alone.
Hand in hand we know,
that others feel the same.
And maybe then they'll share,
The love we've always known.

Candles all raised high,

against the growing dark.

The fire in our eyes,

the fire in our hearts.

The passion of the hour ((No comma))

may yet withstand the night.

And don't believe their lies,

that we are all alone.

Hand in hand we know((No comma))

that others feel the same.

And maybe then they'll share((No comma))

The love we've always known

------------
Up there in the red is what methinks needs to be changed grammatically. It may not be right but then again it might. Not the best critiquer in the world =P ((Actually probably the worst)) Overall this was good. It touched a deeper topic in a less deeper and more understanding way. Good job. I have nothing to say that is constructive, unfortunately.

Wow this was really powerful and I liked it a LOT.

The fire in our eyes,
the fire in hour hearts.

Is it supposed to say 'hour'? If so, okay, but I don't really get it if it is =).

Nice poem, I i share the same love XD

Candles all raised high,

against the growing dark.

I like these two verses because They show a powerful scene and it makes me want to read more. However while good in imagery, it kind of needs more and what i mean by that is that with powerful meaning you need powrful words. maybe you could say, "Candles cast up high" this sounds a little better because of the alliteration and just because! -- you don't have to use it though, just a sugestion

The fire in our eyes,

the fire in hour hearts.

The passion of the hour,

may yet withstand the night.

Our hearts? not hour hearts. I think you should say, "and the fire in our hearts instead of just that. I love it when you say, "the passion of the hour" Its really strong and builds the excitement to poem.

and don't believe their lies,

that we are all alone.

Hand in hand we know,

that others feel the same.

And maybe then they'll share,

The love we've always know.

this bit, to me, doesn't make sense, last word should be known instead of know.

That the others feel the same?

I think you should try to re-write this part a liitle, the flow is off and yeah, it just doesn't make sense. If the people are trying to lie to make the other people stray away from love why then would they want to feel it, unless they can't?


hope i helped


---Jon---

Hello! I think I've seen you around YWS, but I think this may be my first critique for you, so hopefully you'll find it constructive and everything! As always, if you have any questions, just ask. I'm a PM away.

First of all, listen to Lay. She's right about the grammar issue.

Now! Your poem! When I read your poem, I couldn't help but think of my Confirmation. Basically, I'm Catholic, and before anybody can be officially Catholic, they have to complete this Catholic education so they know exactly what they're going into. They can't claim ignorance, lol. Anyway, there's the Confirmation ceremony that recognizes those who want to be confirmed. Ours was an Easter vigil, and we entered the church with candles. My sister and I were getting confirmed at the same time, and we had the same sponsor, a blind man who was awesomely crazy and fun. Mind you, he was BLIND. But when we held the candles, he could see the little pinpricks of light. And I swear, that was the most amazing night ever.

So that's what I was thinking of when I was reading your poem. XD

No, but that's excellent because that means that I could connect my personal life. And that's what you want to do with your poetry, because it isn't enough to just say "I am mad / my life is sad." You actively have to get the reader interested in your poem. So that's awesome.

So already, you have a good basis. The thing that you might want to concentrate on (besides the spelling typos that Lay pointed out, ) is making that imagery stronger. So this is what the critique is going to be about, basically!

Candles all raised high, <-- Tell us who is raising the candles! It'll allow us to connect to this poem better. Or, maybe say, "We raise the candles high" so it sounds more active.

against the growing dark.
The fire in our eyes,
the fire in hour hearts.<-- I actually really like these lines, save for the typo. ;D

The passion of the hour, <-- I would like more information on this "passion." Already, it brings forth to my mind The Passion, but I'm not sure if you want to talk about this, so consider emphasizing it.

may yet withstand the night. <-- This is kind of awkward.

And don't believe their lies, <-- Your tense changes here... in the beginning, you say "we" and now you say "they." Be consistent! Unless you're referring to another "they." If you are, then be clear! Right now, it's a little confusing. So consider introducing who "they" is. It'll really strengthen your poem and give us good imagery!

that we are all alone.
Hand in hand we know,
that others feel the same. <-- This might just be a personal preference for me, but maybe you can talk about the warmth of holding hands or something? I don't know... it could be a nice touch!

And maybe then they'll share,
The love we've always know.

And yay! Powerful ending!

So this was a pretty awesome poem. Just clear up a couple of things and fix up the grammar and everything should be all right.

Hope that helps!

this is odd, ive gotten into the habit of critiqueing my critiquers
well, first off, i'd like peopple to comment more on the content behind it, rather than the superficious flaws...
and this is NOT a religious poem,
i am not a religious person (not christian, anyway)
if i were, calling myslef 'GOD' would be blasphemy, would it not?
thank for the critiques, anyway.

so typical not alone ahha

so this is my first time commenting on a poem of yours. so in turn id like to say i have no idea grammer or style wise but it was a good poem

I like the imagery here, as well as the idea. I like how you say "the passion of the hour may yet withstand the night." I feel you are saying the fire of their hearts dispell the darkness. And that when other people tell the lovers that they are alone, the lovers (hand in hand) know that the people who tell them such things have not met something so miraculous and great yet. But they know that one day, maybe, they will understand how they are feeling.

Thank you for this insight of your true person ^^ It was really beautiful.

thank you, thank you all,

I am glad that it meant so much to so many people, regardless of thats what I intended it to mean in the first place or not. I realize now that each person is free to interperet it whatever way they want.

Peace, all,
thank you for commenting,

God.

I IMMENSELY LOVE THIS POEM! Has to be my favorite so far! I love the simple yet complex theme. And the unique way that you said it. It made me want to write my own poetry! There was only ONE thing that kinda bugged me but I only want to point it out so that this review turns out helpful

"And don't believe their lies,

that we are all alone."

I think that this kinda interfered with the flow of the poem, maybe you shouldn't say "and"? I don't know! I'm not really a poet so you can just ignore me!
I can't wait to read more of your stuff!
Thanks a bunch!
~Isi

Love the poem. You made a few mistakes that Layleun spotted out. If I understood the message correctly I liked it, and, frankly, if I didn't IT'S JUST POETRY ISN'T IT?