Chapter Eight -- Taking down Ruby

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Chapter Eight
Taking Down Ruby


“Madeline, are you absolutely sure Ruby is back” Sarah said in a serious, half-scared voice.

“Sarah, did you not just see me have the biggest premonition I’ve had in a long time?” Madeline ask. “I almost died having that premonition, I’m sure she is back!”

“Rose?” Sarah said, looking over to her to get an answer.
She didn’t even have to ask because Rose’s eyes were glowing red and already searching for the answer.

Her head jerked a little coming out of her search and she confirmed that, Ruby, was back. She also informed them that she would probably come for them and try to avenge herself.

“What are we going to do?” Sarah ask “Should we call Mary and Xander here?”

“I actually think that is a good idea.” Rose said “how do we get them here?”
A silence swept across the sky and the clouds cleared, leaving a pure light blue canvas of air. The winds that were blowing and the little rain droplets that fell, stopped. The Canaby sisters didn’t know what was going on.

A familiar voice called through the sky, echoing, “Like this.”

A hot streak of blue and a sharp streak of red poured down through the sky about five hundred feet from the Canaby sisters, leaving a trail behind them.

The two streaks went side by side and leveled out horizontally, coming straight for them. The Canaby sisters could hear a crack as the sudden change in movement came towards them.
The streaks of red and blue came barreling towards them and kicking up dust behind them as they soared close to the ground.

Shewoooooooooooosh, was the sound that the two streaks made as they past the Canaby sisters, almost knocking them off of their feet by the wind that slammed into them. The sisters watched the two streaks curve upwards and spiral down to the ground.

Two glowing auras stood in front of them and slowly the light diminished showing Mary and Xander.

“Mary, Xander!” Madeline squealed “How did you guys know where we were?”

“We’ve been following you.” Mary said “Do you guys think we, your guardians, would leave you guys alone?

“Wait, you guys have been following us and you didn’t help us when we were in trouble?” Sarah said “We almost died a couple of times!”

“Sarah, we had to let you do it for yourselves, we knew you guys could do it” Mary said reprovingly

“Well, help would have been nice.” Sarah said with her eyes looking down

“Anyway,” Rose cut in “We called you because we need your help, our cousin Ruby who we sent to the Realm of Nothingness, has escaped and is probably coming for us.”

With wide eyes Mary said, “How could you guys send her to the Realm of Nothingness!”

“We had too!” Sarah said “She was going to kill us!”

“No, you three don’t understand,” Mary said “When…”

“Fill her in Rose to make her understand” Sarah said

Without thought, Rose took Mary by the hands and a red glow gleamed out of their clasp. Mary’s eyes rolled back into her head and closed and Rose’s eyes glowed red. In their minds, they went back through time and replayed the event of that night when they sent Ruby to the Realm of Nothingness.
Xander had had enough and nudged Rose a little cutting off the information supply. Mary’s eyes regained normality and so did Rose’s.

“Why did you do that?” Rose said “I was trying to make her understand why we did what we did”

She reached for Mary’s hands once more and Xander pushed them away.

“No!” He said, his voice irritated a little “We already know what happened that night, We know what she did to your father, we know everything there is to know about you three!”

Rose stepped back and pieced herself like the last missing piece of the puzzle between her sisters.

Mary stepped closer and pushed Xander aside.

“Listen, please.” Mary told them “The night when you sent Ruby to the Realm of Nothingness your father’s power stayed behind right?”

“Well, yes.” Rose said

“What you guys don’t know is that when you send people to the Realm of Nothingness, they can’t get out.”

“We know that already and …” Rose tried to say

“You don’t know that when people get sent there, their powers are gone so they are helpless to get out, staying there forever.” Mary said “However when Ruby was sent there, even though the power to freeze things solid stayed behind, Her old power restored itself inside of the Realm of Nothingness. You guys didn’t know that she had another power, did you?”

“No.” Rose said “We thought she was powerless until she killed our father and took his power.”

“Well, your Father’s power was strong enough to weaken her old power enough that it didn’t register when passing through the portal.” Mary continued “That’s why she wasn’t left powerless and the reason why she got out! But since her old power restored itself in the Realm of Nothingness, It is more powerful than it ever was before.”

The three Canaby sisters stood astonished, regretful even.

“What was her old power?” Sarah ask.

“It was the power to open and close portals to where ever she wants.” Mary said “Now it is more powerful than you’ll ever know, if you want to take her down, it’s going to take all of us.

“So that’s how she got out!” Madeline said being overly obvious

“Yeah,” Mary said “That’s how she got out.”

“Do you know where she is?” Madeline ask.

“I don’t,” Mary said looking at Rose.

“Okay, I get it, hold on.” Rose said

She stood between her sisters and closed her eyes, red light shined through the little slits where her eyes weren’t shut all the way.

In her mind she searched, she searched over valleys and mountains, but nothing. She looked even harder this time and she saw a dark alley with a dim fire burning and blood. In her mind’s eye she looked around, almost as if she were there. In the shadows she saw a movement and walking into the fire’s light was Ruby.

Ruby’s thick black hair fell down to her back and her face was almost transparent white, she had on a dark blue tunic and her nails were sharp and pointed. As Rose watched she felt eerie as though Ruby could see her too.

Rose’s feeling was a good one because Ruby looked right at her and shouted, “Olilian” and before Rose could get back to normality, even though she wasn’t there, got blasted back on the ground by a ball of energy.

Madeline and Sarah along with Mary and Xander rushed to where she lay.

“What happened Rose?!” Madeline shrieked

Rose couldn’t talk because the energy ball knocked the wind out of her. She lay on the ground And tried to regain her breath, she was fine other than that.

The four of them looked at her with intense scrutiny as she lifted herself up and said, “She knows
where we are, We don’t have long.
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wisemann210 wrote:Chapter Eight
Taking Down Ruby


“Madeline, are you absolutely sure Ruby is back(?)” Sarah said in a serious, half-scared voice.

“Sarah, did you not just see me have the biggest premonition I’ve had in a long time?” Madeline ask.(asked, (no period here)) “I almost died having that premonition, I’m sure she is back!”

“Rose?” Sarah said, looking over to her to get an answer.
She didn’t even have to ask because Rose’s eyes were glowing red and already searching for the answer.

Her head jerked a little coming out of her search and she confirmed that, Ruby, was back(I don't like the way this sentence fits; try rewording; ). She also (take out also) informed them that she would probably come for them and try to avenge herself.

“What are we going to do?” Sarah ask (asked ) “Should we call Mary and Xander here?”

“I actually think that is a good idea.(comma, not period)” Rose said(comma!) “how do we get them here?”
A silence swept across the sky and the clouds cleared, leaving a pure light blue canvas of air. The winds that were blowing and the little rain droplets that fell, stopped. The Canaby sisters didn’t know what was going on.

A familiar voice called through the sky, echoing (I think a bit of description would rock here; "A familiar deep voice called through the sky, echoing;" Don't forget your semi colons!), “Like this.”

A hot streak of blue and a sharp streak of red poured down through the sky about five hundred feet from the Canaby sisters, leaving a trail behind them. (This confused me; consider rewording)

The two streaks went side by side and leveled out horizontally, coming straight for them. The Canaby sisters could hear (heard ) a crack as the sudden change in movement came towards them.
The streaks of red and blue ("The red and blue streaks" sounds a bit better) came barreling towards them and (comma, not and) kicking up dust behind them as they soared close to the ground.

Shewoooooooooooosh,(Italicize or quotation mark it; "Shwoosh! The two streaks made their way past the canaby sisters...") was the sound that the two streaks made as they past the Canaby sisters, almost knocking them off of their feet by the wind that slammed into them. The sisters watched the two streaks curve upwards and spiral down to the ground.

Two glowing auras stood in front of them and slowly the light diminished showing Mary and Xander.

“Mary,(exclamation point, not comma) Xander!” Madeline squealed “How did you guys know where we were?”

“We’ve been following you.” Mary said(comma) “Do you guys think we, your guardians, would leave you guys alone?

“Wait, you guys have been following us and you didn’t help us when we were in trouble?” Sarah said “We almost died a couple of times!”

“Sarah, we had to let you do it for yourselves, we knew you guys could do it” Mary said reprovingly

“Well, help would have been nice.” Sarah (you kind of use "said" a lot. Try substituting! "Sarah mumbled with her eyes down") said with her eyes looking down

“Anyway,” Rose cut in (comma)“We called you because we need your help, our cousin Ruby who we sent to the Realm of Nothingness, has escaped and is probably coming for us.”

With wide eyes Mary said, “How could you guys send her to the Realm of Nothingness!”

“We had too(to; not too)!” Sarah said “She was going to kill us!”

“No, you three don’t understand,” Mary said “When…”

“Fill her in Rose(comma ) to make her understand” Sarah said

Without thought, Rose took Mary by the hands and a red glow gleamed out of their clasp (I think this sentence needs to be reconstructed). Mary’s eyes rolled back into her head and closed and Rose’s eyes glowed red. In their minds, they went back through time and replayed the event of that night when they sent Ruby to the Realm of Nothingness.
Xander had had enough and nudged Rose a little cutting off the information supply (confusing, "Xander, who had enough, nudged Rose, cutting off the information supply). Mary’s eyes regained normality and so did Rose’s.

“Why did you do that?” Rose said “I was trying to make her understand why we did what we did”

She reached for Mary’s hands once more (comma, but (not and))and Xander pushed them away.

“No!” He said, his voice irritated a little("irritation apparent in his voice,") “We already know what happened that night, (no capitals in a sentence! or use a period! )We know what she did to your father, we know everything there is to know about you three!”

Rose stepped back and pieced (positioned; substitue with pieced))herself like the last missing piece of the puzzle between her sisters.

Mary stepped closer (forward) and pushed Xander aside.

“Listen, please.(comma instead?)” Mary told them “The night when you sent Ruby to the Realm of Nothingness your father’s power stayed behind right?”

“Well, yes.” Rose said

“What you guys don’t know is that when you send people to the Realm of Nothingness, they can’t get out.”

“We know that already and …” Rose tried to say

“You don’t know that when people get sent there, their powers are gone so they are helpless to get out, staying there forever.” Mary said “However when Ruby was sent there, even though the power to freeze things solid stayed behind, Her old power restored itself inside of the Realm of Nothingness. You guys didn’t know that she had another power, did you?”

“No.” Rose said “We thought she was powerless until she killed our father and took his power.”

“Well, your Father’s power was strong enough to weaken her old power enough that it didn’t register when passing through the portal.” Mary continued “That’s why she wasn’t left powerless and the reason why she got out! But since her old power restored itself in the Realm of Nothingness, It is more powerful than it ever was before.”

The three Canaby sisters stood astonished, regretful even.(The three Canaby sisters stood there astonished; twinges of regret surging through them.)

“What was her old power?” Sarah ask.

“It was the power to open and close portals to where ever she wants.” Mary said (you use "said" a lot with very few words to it; "Mary said wistfully") “Now it is more powerful than you’ll ever know,(and) if you want to take her down, it’s going to take all of us.

“So that’s how she got out!” Madeline said being overly obvious. (Madeline exclaimed the obvious.)

“Yeah,” Mary said “That’s how she got out.”

“Do you know where she is?” Madeline ask.(asked)

“I don’t,”(period; because she says nothing else after this) Mary said looking at Rose.

“Okay, I get it, hold on.” Rose said

She stood between her sisters and closed her eyes,(period; A) red light shined through the little slits where her eyes weren’t shut all the way.

In her mind she searched, she searched (repetition- no good ...she searched over mountains and valleys, but found nothing.)over valleys and mountains, but nothing. (Did she look again? )She looked even harder this time and she saw a dark alley with a dim fire burning and blood. In her mind’s eye she looked around, almost as if she were there. In the shadows she saw a movement and walking into the fire’s light was Ruby.

Ruby’s thick black hair fell down to her back and her face was almost transparent white, she had on a dark blue tunic and her nails were sharp and pointed. As Rose watched she felt eerie as though Ruby could see her too. (This needs to be reconstructed! )

Rose’s feeling was a good one because Ruby looked right at her and shouted, “Olilian” and before Rose could get back to normality, even though she wasn’t there, got blasted back on the ground by a ball of energy.(Reconstruct)

Madeline and Sarah along with Mary and Xander (Madeline and Sarah rushed to where she lay, followed by Mary and Xander.)rushed to where she lay.

“What happened Rose?!” (Only use an exclamation and question mark in informal speech; never in writing like this)Madeline shrieked

Rose couldn’t talk because the energy ball knocked the wind out of her. She lay on the ground And tried to regain her breath, she was fine other than that. (Reconstruct; Rose lay speechless on the ground. The energy ball had knocked the wind out of her, but she suffered no other injuries.)

The four of them looked at her with intense scrutiny as she lifted herself up and said, “She knows
where we are, (tsk tsk the capital W)We don’t have long.(you left out your other quotation mark :P.)


Aside from the few errors you made, I really really like it :) After I'm done with my nano I will definitely read and review your entire story :D

xJune
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Thank you june! You just made my day!

I will go back and correct those things and make it better!

I'm glad you like it and keep those points! haha

Is there a review i can do of yours?


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Because in the review above they fixed your grammatical errors I wont go over them, thus being redundant.

I skimmed the other chapters which were very entertaining, and I have got to say this story line is a wonderful idea. :D

this peticular chapter was very descriptive and captivating. you creat wonder mind pictures for your readers. Maybe you could be a little more throughro on certain parts though it seems like you leave some things unsaid.

:P All in all very good chapter! I usually don't like fantasy fiction, but your story some how... kept me interested, kudos to you!!!
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Thankyou rascalover! You made my day too!


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Heya! Can I make your day too? I'll try not to do grammar, since I think it's been done :)

Sarah said in a serious, half-scared voice.

Why so? What makes it scared, and what's more, what distinguishes it from just plain scared? Was there are a slight falter upon the tone, apprehension in the voice?

“Sarah, did you

It's picky, but the last line of dialogue began with a name too. It's a little close and too in-your-face with names. I'd leave the first one, but get rid o' this 'un.

did you not just see me have the biggest premonition I’ve had in a long time

There could be some emphasis on this line. It spells out to me that you can;t be bothered to tell us through character development--you must! It drags on. I would refine this to something more catchy, or at least effective: "That was the biggest premonition I've had for ages."

“I almost died having that premonition, I’m sure she is back!”

Similar diagnosis here. It's repetitive, and difficult to read. Why not: "It almost killed me, but I'm certain; she's back."

leaving a pure light blue canvas of air

1) Throw in some commas between all the adjectives. Or the ones that don't fit: "leaving a pure, light blue canvas of air."
2) The amount of adjectives is suffocating.

A silence swept across the sky

Because it was quiet, the clouds moved away?

A hot streak of blue and a sharp streak of red

Repetition can agreeably work within its limits. But "hot" and "sharp" are hardly related, and besides, do you get a hot blue? I didn't understand this part.

would leave you guys alone?"


From a first read, that's all I noticed. However, I didn't understand a lot of this--with the best will in the world.

Ruby, Rose, Mary, Madeline -- be sure to use more names. The pronouns had me confused at points.

Dialogue

There was a lot of it, and at times, I felt too much. The transition between everything filtered down to a few lines of speech--I couldn't understand what was going on. However, I'm guessing it's because I haven't read the other parts. Pacing is often great at high speeds, but you don't want to go so fast that the reader, at the end of the chapter, is shouting: "What just happened?"

Anyway, I felt a lot of it was boxed and robotic. I don't think this fitted:

“I actually think that is a good idea.”

Remove the adverb--ask yourself, what is it doing for the sentence? Perhaps it's unusual for Rose to agree with Sarah, but ye, get rid of it. :wink: Would it be to an advantage if you read out what you wrote? It always help to pick out little points. I'd reword it to: "I think that's a great idea, to be honest."

But then go on a bit more. Why are you characters saying this--define whose point of view, too; I couldn't quite place. Be sure to reinforce dialogue with narrative--do you say everything that you think? Are there ever any considerations before you agree? I'm sure there are.

Descriptions

Need more of 'em! As I've said, dialogue alone can go too fast. Be sure to explain any notable changes in the scenery, but not only that, but using all the senses. What can your characters smell? Taste in the air? Feel along the ground? These also help define the viewpoint, and bring the reader in. I don't like being a hundred miles away from the story when I'm gazing upon a book.

A lot of your descriptions have been like a weather show. The clouds did this and the sun did that. Something to be careful--remember that sight isn't the only sense.

As you can tell, I don't like confusion! A lot of that was critical stuff, but it was an interesting piece and I'll go on to read the rest.

Best of luck!
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you made my day too! I do agree with the scenery and that it needs to be more. Thank you so much!
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