The Masquerade- Pt. 1

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The Masquerade: Part 1

Melanie poised herself on Adam’s arm as they walked up to the entrance of the ballroom. The soft lights and the orchestral music of the masquerade greeted them as they walked through the door. The costumes of the other party-goers, both human and enchanted alike, swirled about in an assorted collage of strangeness as they danced, drank, and mingled with one another; enjoying all that the Mid-Fall Masquerade had to offer.

A girl in a tidy white dress and an equally minimal white mask came up to Melanie and Adam. Two elegant fans were in her hands.

“Welcome to the party,” she said, her voice a timid near whisper in the face of the party music. She handed them the fans. “Your names are on the fans.”

Melanie and Adam flipped open their fans. Melanies was fire-red and had the word Phoenix printed on it in gold lettering. Adam’s was purple and displayed the word Magpie, also in gold lettering.

“Two birds of a feather,” the girl in the white dress said. “Go on in now, the party’s only just begun.”

“Thank you,” Melanie said. She effected a superior smile as Adam led her into the party throng. He held up his fan.

“They had to give me purple,” he said.

“Purple goes with your suit though,” Melanie said.

“Purple and green don’t go together.”

“Yes, they do. Now keep an eye out for Chloe. She’s with Ben.”

“Sure.”

Melanie rolled her eyes. Adam would do no such thing. He was already looking at the other girls who had showed up, casting appraising looks up and down their costumed bodies. Melanie wasn’t going to gripe at him about it though. She was doing the same thing, and for the same reason he was. Just because her relationship was with Chloe didn’t mean she couldn’t look for her own viewing pleasure.

A girl in a revealing dress waved at Melanie from across the room. At first Melanie thought it might be Chloe, but then she saw that this girl had red hair, not brown. It was Renise Pancor, whose family was hosting the masquerade this year.

“Hello, Phoenix,” Renise said as she walked up to Melanie and Adam. Her green eyes shone warm behind her mask.

“Hello,” Melanie said. “And who are you this evening?”

“Oh, sorry.” Renise flipped her fan open with a sheepish grin. The word Doe was written on it.

“Well, hello then, Doe,” Melanie replied. She shook hands with Renise.

“I thought you’d show up with Dolphin.” When Melanie gave an inquiring look Renise smiled and shook her head. “I’m sorry, that’s the name on her fan tonight. Forgive me, I get so nervous at parties.”

“It’s all right. And, she and I decided to at least show up traditional.”

Renise gave a genuine laugh. “That’ll throw them.” She turned to Adam. “And why’d you agree to this?” Her left eye, the one away from Melanie, winked at him.

“Oh, I’ll do anything for a date.” He gave a big smile and shrugged his shoulders. Renise smiled back.

“I’ll leave you two alone now,” she said. Melanie gave Renise a quick peck on the cheek. Renise laughed and patted her on the shoulder. “Calm down there. Dolphin’s around here somewhere. Have fun.” Renise laughed and walked off into the crowd.

“What would Chloe say?” Adam asked with a smile. Melanie laughed and gave his butt a playful squeeze.

“Just keeping my options open, tight ass,” she said with a smirk.

Another girl waved at Melanie. It was Chloe. Melanie smiled and waved back. Chloe dragged Ben Masters, the boy she had brought along, through the crowd behind her. Melanie thought that she looked beautiful in her tight, deep indigo dress. The two girls embraced and enjoyed a quick kiss on the lips. The two guys simply shook hands.

‘You look wonderful tonight,” Chloe said, running her gloved hand down Melanie’s arm.

“You don’t look so bad yourself, Dolphin.”

“Aw, how’d you know?”

“Renise told me.”

Chloe laughed. “What’s yours?”

“Phoenix.” Melanie flashed her fan.

“Fun. So, what do you think of my cover?”

“Who, Ben?” Chloe nodded with an eager smile. “He’s nice enough. How’d you get him to agree to it?”

“Ugh. He’s a friend of the family. His father’s a minister. He thinks he can change me.”

“Are you letting him think that?” Melanie asked. Chloe gave a mischievous smile.

“I had to find a guy somehow. I’m not lucky like you.”

“Adam and I have been friends for a while. He’s cool with it.”

Melanie turned to Adam and tugged on his shirt sleeve. “Me and Clo are gonna check out the punch bowl. You mind?”

Adam shook his head. Melanie and Chloe took each other’s hand and walked off.


The beginning of what will hopefully be an interesting work. Look for characters from previous stories of mine to make appearances! Part 2 soon, I hope.
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Hey Conrad Rice!

The costumes of the other party-goers, both human and enchanted alike, swirled about in an assorted collage of strangeness as they danced, drank, and mingled with one another; enjoying all that the Mid-Fall Masquerade had to offer.


It's a masquerade, I need some details about these costumes being worn!


A girl in a tidy white dress and an equally minimal white mask came up to Melanie and Adam. Two elegant fans were in her hands.


Spice this sentence up a little, change some words around, and add some details!
My example isn't too great, but you get the idea...

Melanie and Adam were greeted by a girl, blandly dressed in all white, with a mask to match. The two elegant fans she held struggled to bring life to her plainness.


A girl in a revealing dress waved at Melanie from across the room.

Hmm, maybe something like this...

Melanie spotted a girl in a quite revealing dress, waving at her.

Her left eye, the one away from Melanie, winked at him.

I think 'She winked' might be enough! Lol.


Well, I really enjoyed this! All my corrections are merely suggestions. I like how you used the suspense technique to keep the reader clueless.
I can't wait for the second part, keep up the good work!


-unraveled




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Just a few quick notes.

I think how you said "human and enchanted alike" in the first paragraph was good, so we know what we're dealing with, however I think you need to stress it a little more throughout the rest of the chapter. Also, I know this is weird, but what is the sexual orientation of the girls? Because its not clear. I got confused reading this. So many different people and their animal names and I didn't really know what was going on. Was that what you were going for? Because if so...I'm not sure I liked it.

Nothing too specific, but if you want me to elaborate on anything PM me. Thanks.

I agree with everything the person above me said too.
"There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is -- in fact -- a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate." -House




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Hey Conrad!

The costumes of the other party-goers, both human and enchanted alike, swirled about in an assorted collage of strangeness as they danced, drank, and mingled with one another; enjoying all that the Mid-Fall Masquerade had to offer.

I absolutely love the concept of a masquerade - when they're in movies and books they're so extravagant and exciting. So it was sad when you give us only this short intro description. What are the colors, the costumes, the hairstyles, the accessories? What about the movement, and the makeup and the entire atmosphere of the room? All these things are exciting to read about, and I bet you could spin out some beautiful descriptions here that will just make an amazing intro to this story - which is entitled Masquerade.

She handed them the fans. “Your names are on the fans.”
Melanie and Adam flipped open their fans

I know there really are no synonyms for fan - but this does sound kinda weird, each sentence ending with fan, all in a row. Maybe rearrange the sentences so they're not all at the end, or maybe call it a "papery accessory", or whatever other description you can think of at one point?

Me and Clo are gonna check out the punch bowl. You mind?”

=D

I have one issue with this piece, and that is the number of characters. I have nothing really to use to distinguish all of them, and on top of that you give them second nicknames, so I'm never entirely sure who you're talking about. I was able to form vague ideas, but they were vague and other names flew by me and my collection of personalities was fleeting.

I think you need to focus a little more on characterization. Right now I feel like I have a lot of names and nicknames, and some connections between the names, but really nothing else. You could focus more on each character, give them a few sentences in description.

I feel sad to say this, because I usually enjoy your writings so much! But the name issue left me lost in this piece. I'm sorry. :( I hope I've been helpful in detailing it.

PM me with questions.

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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Conrad -

I enjoyed this, as I usually enjoy your writing. I like how you contrasted the elegance of the masquerade party with the sarcastic irreverence of Melanie and Chloe. I think Clo has a point when she says that you've introduced a lot of characters and watered them down as a result, but I don't think that it's really a big deal, seeing as I'm sure you'll enhance each of the characters as this story progresses.

[my dear Watson]

The only thing I have to point out is the lack of small details. I've got a good general picture of the scene, but I don't know what kind of music is playing, if the dancers are waltzing or grinding, or even a general description of Chloe or Melanie. All I know is that I've met two hot girls in revealing dresses. You know what that shows? It shows you're a hormonal teenage boy. Go a little deeper than that. Get past your own fantasies and indulge the reader a little. Pay attention to the little things and everything will look a million times more extravagent.

“I’ll leave you two alone now,” she said. Melanie gave Renise a quick peck on the cheek. Renise laughed and patted her on the shoulder. “Calm down there. Dolphin’s around here somewhere. Have fun.” Renise laughed and walked off into the crowd.


This is just bad. It's the equivalent of Renise saying, "Hold on there, tiger. You'll get the goods soon, you just gotta be patient." It's tactless, corny, and unrealistic. Please change it or delete it or whatever. Also, the dialogue is halting. They four sentences spoken don't have any connecting words.

Anyway. I look forward to more. Specifically, I'm looking forward to some plot! :wink:

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado



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