This whole entire thing is like a remake of Twilight. It's not okay for someone to copy someone else's story so completely. There's the letter, the internet look up, the vampire-having-to-be-invited-in-to-a-home, the beautiful-thing, the dream-thing, all of it is Stephanie Meyer's creation. It's totally okay to take an idea and make it your own... but you didn't. You just copied.
I really would like to help you with this but I didn't correct anything because I suggest a total dumping of this story. Really, unless you can make all these ideas your own, I really don't think this can go anywhere.
Please, don't take this review harshly. I just don't want people to read this and think you are just a copy-cat. Take my advise, and rewrite this to your own imagination. I know you have one. I read your Scars piece. You have your own mind. I know you can come up with something better.
Good Luck!
And if you ever need anything, just PM me.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life." ~ Joseph Conrad
"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life." ~ Red Auerbach
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
