THEM

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THEM

Chapter One – Wrong turn



The bird plummeted to its death.

“Nice shot. Nearly blew its bloody wing off!” praised Mark.

“Thanks.” replied Tom, handing the air rifle to his friend.

“Woo! My turn, I can’t wait to try this baby out.”

“Ye, ye, just don’t break it. So what’s next, you genna try and shoot one of those flying nuisances.”
Tom asked as he rustled through his bag.
“Why are there nuisances?”

“They shit everywhere. Have we got any spicy Doritos?”

“Bottom pocket.”

A loud bang echoed through the woods, followed by the frantic flapping of wings.

“You get one,” mumbled Tom, as he munched on the crisps.

“No, this sucks, let’s go deeper, if we’re lucky we might find a rabbit or two and if god loves us, maybe a fox.”

“As long as it’s light and we have food, it’s fine by me.”

“It’s settled then”, and together they packed up and trudged deeper into the woods.



The hare nibbled on a piece of dead leaf. Its ears kept pricking at the sound of twigs snapping. However, the more anxious it got, the more it ate. Watching the rabbit eat was like watching paint dry, and when it had finished, the hare moved onto the next piece. Tom and Mark studied it from afar, waiting for the right moment. Of course, they could shoot now, but they did not want to risk it until they were certain they could not miss. It was not a game, if they blew their chance, there would not be a second, and the hare probably wouldn’t be stopping to see the look on their faces. Mark slowly edged closer, careful not to step on any twigs. He was about twenty metres or so from the hare, when something caught his attention to the west. Mark lowered the gun and squinted into the distance. Tom noticed this and followed his gaze.
“What is it?” mouthed Tom, trying his best not to alert the Hare.

Mark shook his head, and made his way towards the mysterious object. They both heard a loud scatter behind them. Mark was not that bothered and was still fixed on whatever was up ahead.

“Shit” Tom whispered

“What is it”

“Rabbits gone,” replied tom, his voice normal now as there was no need to whisper anymore.

“Oh well, I’m more interested in that” mark said, pointing ahead.

The curious boy jogged several paces, his lanky legs making the several to about fifty. He shielded his eyes from the blazing sun to get a better look and made a low grunt.

“What is it” Asked tom, as he caught up with his friend.

“ I don’t-“

“OH SHIT!” shouted Tom

Mark didn’t even bother asking and simply followed his gaze.
A corpse hung from a rotting oak tree, swinging back and forth like a pendulum. The head looked like a red football, which was crying. Blood trickled down the bark, turning it an odd brownish colour. The boys would have simply found it a little cool and creepy if it had not been for the fact, that they could see the rotting bark through two small black holes. The man’s face was fine apart from the fact that instead of two eyes, there was just a bloody mess.

“Who is he?” asked Mark, his face screwed up in disgust.

“Don’t know, all I know is that it’s time to go.”

“Right there with you this time”.

The boys staggered through the woods, exhausted and drunk with fatigue. They came to a small clearing and slumped themselves on the ground; their chest puffing up and down like a pump. Tall, intimidating great oaks surrounded them, north, east, south and west, like a cage.

“I’m so tired we’ve been walking for ages,” moaned Tom.

“Admit it”

“Admit what?”

“We’re lost.”

------------------------------------------------
" its just us and them."




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I'm just going to jump right in, because I'm excited!

“Thanks,” replied Tom, handing the air rifle to his friend.
A comma instead of a period here, since you're adding "replied" afterwards. It only ends in a period if you're describing an action the person who spoke took. For example, "Thanks." Tom handed the air rifle to his friend. You see?

So what’s next, you genna try and shoot one of those flying nuisances?
I like the slang here, although it might bug someone else. That's just me. But I do believe this is a question, yes? If it is, it requires a question mark.
Since it is a question, and although he "asked" afterward, you still put in a question mark rather than a comma.

“Why are they nuisances?”
"they" seems to work better here, since you're talking about the birds.

“You get one?” mumbled Tom, as he munched on the crisps.
See, here, since it's a question, end in a question mark, even though it says he "mumbled."

“No, this sucks, let’s go deeper, if we’re lucky we might find a rabbit or two and if god loves us, maybe a fox.”
Seems to me like a veery long sentence. You might want to shorten that up a bit, if only to keep your readers sane.

“It’s settled then”,
You might want to scoot that comma over, between the quotation marks.

the hare probably wouldn’t be stopping to see the look on their faces
I liked this part. It made me laugh. :D

Mark was not that bothered and was still fixed on whatever was up ahead.
Forgive me, I'm being a bit picky here. I just think it would flow better if you said something like, "Mark wasn't bothered, still fixed on whatever was up ahead." Or something like that. That way it doesn't seem like your sentence isn't in two seperate parts, but flows together as one idea.

“Shit,” Tom whispered.
Comma and period here.

“What is it?
Question mark???

“Rabbits gone,” replied tom,
Might want to capitalize Tom.

“Oh well, I’m more interested in that,Mark said, pointing ahead.
Comma and capitalize, please.

The curious boy jogged several paces, his lanky legs making the several to about fifty.
Just thought you'd like to know: I had to read this multiple times before I understood it. Now, that's not always a bad thing, but most commercial readers prefer not to have to think too much. :wink:

“What is it?asked Tom, as he caught up with his friend.

“OH SHIT!” shouted Tom.
In case you can't see the bolded period, there's supposed to be one there.

A corpse hung from a rotting oak tree, swinging back and forth like a pendulum. The head looked like a red football, which was crying. Blood trickled down the bark, turning it an odd brownish colour.
Ew. Rather vivid there. Great imagery, but ew.

They came to a small clearing and slumped themselves on the ground; their chests puffing up and down like pumps.
I assume they each have their own chest. :P Weird image.
I love your use of a semicolon, since semicolons are just the most amazing thing in the world, but I'm not sure you used it quite right. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe you use a semicolon to connect two independent clauses that have the same idea. Or something like that. It's my opinion that a comma would work just great there. Unless, of course, you wanted to say, "...on the ground; their chests puffed up and down like pumps." Or something of that nature.

“I’m so tired, we’ve been walking for ages,” moaned Tom.

“Admit it.
There's a little bolded period here.


Okay, summing it all up:
I'm afraid I was a bit picky on this one. My apologies.
I usually do the sandwich approach, (you know, compliments, things to fix, compliments again) but I decided to shake things up a little today.
To my point. You've done a bang-up job again, my friend! I can tell a lot about the guys' personalities just from the way they speak. I could picture everything that was going on, from the twitching hare, to the swinging corpse, to the cage of trees. In fact, you described that so well, I knew they were lost before they knew they were lost.
Rewinding to the beginning, the first sentence was a definite catcher. You caught my attention, as you will plenty of other youth who have a strange attraction towards violence in books. Even those who won't admit it.

Hmmm, that's pretty much it. PM me when you write more!
Thanks for the read,
--Anna
"Man needs music, literature, and painting--all those oases of perfection that make up art--to compensate for the rudeness and materialism of life." -Fernando Botero




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nice ^_^


A corpse hung from a rotting oak tree, swinging back and forth like a pendulum. The head looked like a red football, which was crying. Blood trickled down the bark, turning it an odd brownish colour. The boys would have simply found it a little cool and creepy if it had not been for the fact, that they could see the rotting bark through two small black holes. The man’s face was fine apart from the fact that instead of two eyes, there was just a bloody mess.


FAVORITE PART ^_^

I am really interested. Anyways you are my second regular reading/reviewing. Besides Cheshire Cat's awsome story "Blithe Bereavement" ITS AWSOME >_< SO I can't wait for chapter 2. ^_^
check out my deviantart account ^_^
http://maki121.deviantart.com/




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Thanks very much agian all, and Anna, if you hadn't been so picky i would have missed loads of silly grammer areas, so thanks.




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Hello, Kevzta. :)

The bird plummeted to its death.

I think you can expand this into a paragraph, give us more of an introduction. :)

The hare nibbled on a piece of dead leaf. Its ears kept pricking at the sound of twigs snapping. However, the more anxious it got, the more it ate. Watching the rabbit eat was like watching paint dry, and when it had finished, the hare moved onto the next piece. Tom and Mark studied it from afar, waiting for the right moment. Of course, they could shoot now, but they did not want to risk it until they were certain they could not miss. It was not a game, if they blew their chance, there would not be a second, and the hare probably wouldn’t be stopping to see the look on their faces. Mark slowly edged closer, careful not to step on any twigs. He was about twenty metres or so from the hare, when something caught his attention to the west. Mark lowered the gun and squinted into the distance. Tom noticed this and followed his gaze.

This is a little weird; you went from no description to a complete paragraph of describing the rabbit.

The boys staggered through the woods, exhausted and drunk with fatigue. They came to a small clearing and slumped themselves on the ground; their chest puffing up and down like a pump. Tall, intimidating great oaks surrounded them, north, east, south and west, like a cage.

This doesn't make sense; to me it sounds like they know what they're doing. They know how to hunt, what to do/not to do, so how did they get lost?

Well, It was pretty interesting to read. I think you should add more details, give us a bit of background. The corpse on the tree doesn't really hit me as a reader, because it happened so suddenly. :)
Otherwise, please keep writing. :D:D:D PM me if you need anything. :D

:smt051
*Seraph*
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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Well, Anna Graham got all the things I was going to say for the grammar.

Put a little more sensory images in your story. All I have really read is with sight. You have five sense us them. What kind of season is it? What kind of smells are in the air? What do the boys hear? All of those things can draw your read farther into your story and make them fell more like they are there in your story.

In general put a little more detail into it. I like these kind of murder mysteries. Well, that's just what I think this is, and well you need to put more details in it.



Everything has to be taken on trust; truth is only that which is taken to be true. It's the currency of living. There may be nothing behind it, but it doesn't make any difference so long as it is honoured. One acts on assumptions. What do you assume?
— Player (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)