Playing the Field - Chapter 1

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Hey people!
This is my first Romance ever attempted.
It was initially a practice for my story "Equals", which got totally carried away with.
So this developed into a full story?
Anyway, I already have a plot for another, and I shelving Equals in the mean time.
But I've also got other writing projects so that one won't start yet.
This is only PG-13 for mild lanuguage.
I do not do explicit, and I have a strict policy against using the F-word.
And I'm unbelivably immature, so this story focuses more on
The emotional aspects and not physical. Sorry if its a disaster!
I was cringing when I had to write any excessively sweet stuff.
Anyway. I hope you guys like it. First try. Ever. WHEEEEE!
Comments etc... are much appreciated, thanks!
[This time, my language is very basic, and I've got a lot of repetitive and less expressive words. Sorry!]
_______________________
The bus pulled out from behind me and out of the school compound as I stared at the huge building before me that was Everfield Academy. I had successfully applied for a transfer from a neighbourhood school to a prestigious and fairly posh academy, and there was no turning back now.

My hair was tied up in a messy ponytail, and I wore a Liverpool jersey and jeans. Yes, you heard right, Liverpool. I was a tomboy and a total football fanatic. Soccer was my previous extra-curricular activity, and I fully intended to continue the tradition.

I shuffled into the school, drawing stares as I tried to find the principal’s office. No luck, I was lost. Darn.

“Excuse me, but do you need any help?” My head whipped around and I came face to face with a boy. His brown hair was carefully ruffled, seeming to glow a bit under the glare of the light. His eyes were a rich green, sparkling like polished emeralds. He was muscular, that was obvious from the way his shirt clung to him delicately, molding with the shape of his chest, definitely an athlete. His lips- What the? Get a grip on yourself, girl! Stop drooling!

Suddenly aware that the boy’s face was close to mine, very close, very uncomfortably close. I stumbled backwards, but righted myself in time before I fell. I looked up at him; his lips were pursed, trying to hide his laugh and amusement. I glared at him, “Saw something funny?” I hissed.

“Ooh, someone’s got a temper! I’m assuming you’re new here and on your way to the principal’s office?” He was looking at me like I was some comedy exhibition. Jeez, barely an hour in your new school and you’ve already forgotten how to sarcasm and insult.

“Oh no, I’m here to admire the beautiful scenery!” I said with false sweetness, but the sarcasm intended was evident.

“Oh, have fun then. I’ll see you around. Of course, if you need a guide to show you around the ‘scenery’, it’s gonna cost you.” And before I could say anything, he sauntered off, hands in his pockets.

I was left fuming in the middle of a hall. A head popped out from one of the doors ahead of me. “Miss Elizabeth Pearson?” The lady enquired. I nodded, wiping the murderous look on my face and approached the room, the sign above the door in bold printed letters read “Principal’s Office”. Shoot. That boy must’ve thought I was an idiot for not seeing this huge sign.

I was motioned to sit upon entering the room, and offered coffee or tea, which both I declined politely. We talked about the usual stuff that had to be settled when you had just transferred to a new school.

“So, which extra-curricular activities do you plan to join?”

“Umm… I am considering football and chess.” The principal, Mrs Blair, blinked at me.

“That’s one of the more… interesting combinations I’ve come across.” Well, I can be the jock and the nerd at the same time. It’s not like I managed to come to this school as an airhead.

“I guess.” I mumbled.

School apparently ended early today and I was instructed to start my lessons on Monday. I was given the details to my new room and a secretary led me there, one of the many rooms in a building separated from and next to the school compound. Did I mention this was sort of a boarding school? After school, we wouldn’t go home. This was home for the time being, but we were free to roam after school hours, though there was a curfew.

The room was plain, as I inspected, but I noticed there was a double-decker bed. Oh joy, a room mate. Please don’t be an airhead, please don’t be an airhead. Even in good schools like Everfield, there would always be a population of ultra-rich kids who got in because of their parent’s money, not intelligence. The bed on the top was occupied, with lots of pink. I shuddered, pink was one of my least favourite colours. I was a ‘blue’ person. Pink was almost a confirmation that I was stuck with one of those empty-headed, snobby Beverley Hills type girl. Shoot.

I was wrong, and never more glad to be in my whole life. She was a girly person, but she wasn’t overbearing. In fact, I think we would get along. She was friendly, approachable looking; the kind you could tell all your secrets to. Her name was Miranda Whitley, built like a model and probably the ‘best catch’ in the school, chocolate brown eyes and shimmering golden hair. I looked hideous next to her. My jet black hair was wavy but tangled, and my eyes were a common shade of blue. Don’t get me wrong, I was built quite well, being an athlete, but I didn’t wear any makeup, skirts or dresses. Basically, looks weren’t exactly the priority on my list.

By the time I had my stuff unpacked, with Miranda’s help, it was time for lunch. I was led down to the dining hall, on the way we chatted and got to know more of each other. My impression of Miranda was excellent. She turned out to be the kind of girl with looks, brains, money and a family that loved her. Her world was perfect. On the other hand, though I was top in my school, I didn’t know where I stood with a school full of smart kids. I lived with my mother, who couldn’t care more about me, except when I’d finally move out. The only money I had was my scholarship fund which promised me a fixed amount every month, for my expenses and everything as I was considered in need of financial-aid.

With our lunches that made my mouth water, we settled at an empty table. Miranda was perfectly happy with sitting with me, she was eager to get acquainted.

“So Elizabeth, what extra-curricular activities are you planning to join?”

I swallowed my mouthful of lasagna, “Football and chess.”

“If you’re seriously thinking of football, I’d suggest you forget about chess. Coach Keel demands that football, besides our grades, be a top priority.”

“No problem. I would drop chess for football any day.” Taking a gulp of my lemonade, “So what extra curriculars are you taking?”

“I’m in the chess club and gymnastics.”

“Cool. I’ll challenge you to a chess match someday.”

She smiled mischievously, “Just to be fair, I ought to inform you that I am the captain of the chess team and that title doesn’t come around easy.”

I lightly punched her on the shoulder, “We’ll see about that, Captain Whitley. Prepare to be overthrown.” I laughed.

Suddenly, I heard a chorus of laughter behind us. We turned around to the table behind us. A group of boys sat there, looking at us. Jocks.
I spotted the green-eyed boy I had talked to that morning. He whispered to the boy next to him and they burst into deafening laughter. I was sure they were laughing at me. Idiots. If only I had a soccer ball with me. That boy would have a dent in his head right now, and hopefully medical leave for months.

I turned back, ignoring them, which was difficult as I could feel their stares aimed at me. “Who are they?” I asked Miranda, who had resumed eating after rolling her eyes at them.

“Those would be the jocks. Smart jocks. Specifically, the football team.”

My eyes widened, “Football?!”

Miranda dabbed at her mouth with a napkin, “Yup. You’d better get used to them if you’re really considering joining the team. Although, no girl has ever made it on the team, emphasis on ‘ever’, even though it’s co-ed. Do you think you’re good enough? We are the state champions, though it’s a hard-earned title.”

“I was a striker for my school team. Most of the positions were filled up by guys. The captain had to be a guy. Even though some of the girls played better.” I muttered the last sentence under my breath.

“What’s the name of that guy?” I discreetly pointed to the green-eyed boy.

“That, would be Alex Taylor. If I recall, he is the striker or the centre forward. He’s co-captain, and quite talented I heard.”

“Asshole.” I muttered, then cracking into an evil grin. Striker, eh? You’d better watch out Mr. Taylor, I’ll make sure you work for that position. Wait, if he’s centre forward, then I’d have to work with him. Aw, crap.

I hadn’t realized that Miranda had gone missing for awhile. When she came back, she was holding a paper in her hand, which she thrust at me. “Here. Details for the tryouts. It’s the start of the year, so they’re still looking for new players. I got it from Alex.”

I dropped the paper like it was a germ. I looked behind my shoulder. The uproarious laughter had long died down, and the football team was giving me funny looks.

“Could you tell me more about Alex?” I ground out.

“You got a crush on him?” Miranda smiled cheekily.

“Hardly. Unless hate is considered a crush.” I growled.

“Woah, girl. Hate is a strong word. What did the extraordinary Mr. Taylor do to deserve that look of death?”

I recounted my experience.

“Well. Alex is part of the popular crowd. The kind that has cheerleaders drooling all over them. In fact, the popular crowd is the usual jocks and cheerleaders. Alex is one of the… kings of the student population, if you could call him that. Practically every female has a crush on him. I’d even go so far as to say some of the teachers. Of course, I’m not one of them. I’m taken.”

I snorted, “King? I’d love to crown that idiot.” Standing up, we made our way out of the dining hall after clearing our trays, amidst the wolf whistles that we got from the football team which were ignored. I caught a swift peek at Alex, he was flirting with some cheerleader. Boys. Typical. But somehow, I felt angry when I saw him flirting. It was an unjustified anger of course, but I stomped out of the hall, my face like a thunderstorm. Funny. I usually wouldn’t care less if a boy flirted with one of those dense, pom-pom waving Barbie dolls.

“So who’re you going out with?” I asked cheerfully, trying to continue our friendly conversation and to put Alex Taylor out of my head. For now. I would have to face him sooner or later. Soccer tryouts were the day after tomorrow. I would practice at the field tomorrow. I had a special move that I was saving up for the right time, namely the tryouts.

“Sean Peterson. He’s a basketballer. Speaking of which, here he comes now!” Her features brightened up and she ran and jumped into the arms of tall boy. I guess he was tall to me. He was a head taller than Miranda, and Miranda was a head taller than me. Stupid dwarfish gene. “Sean, I’d like you to meet Elizabeth, she’s my new room mate.”

The hazel-eyed, blonde boy looked at me, “Hey Elizabeth. Sup?”

“You guys can call me Liz.”

“Sup, Liz?”

I smiled and he smiled back, flashing a dazzling set of pearly whites. “Everything’s cool. I’m trying out for football the day after tomorrow.”

“Awesome, a sports girl. If you want, Miranda and I can help you practice tomorrow. Miranda is that okay?”

I raised an eyebrow quizzically, “You didn’t tell me you played football Miranda.”

“Chill, Liz. I know the basics only. Sean tried out for the football team before. He didn’t make the cut so he joined basketball, which he actually turned out to be good at. I used to play with him, help him out and everything.”

“Sure! Thanks guys! Does after lunch tomorrow sound fine?”

They both nodded. Tomorrow was Saturday, so there would be no school. “Well, Sean and I are going to hang out, maybe watch a movie or something. You wanna come?”

“Nah, you kids have fun.” I winked conspiratorially at Miranda and walked back to our room.

I spent the rest of day reading a book and playing chess against myself. It was almost dinner time when Miranda returned. I was about to eat a bishop with my knight when she commented, “One more move and its checkmate.”

“Really?”

“Here, you just capture the queen with your rook and trap the king in a Caesar move.” She knocked the white queen off the chess board and the game ended.

Man, she’s good. “Wow.” That was all I could say.

She laughed, “Shall we head for dinner? I challenge you to a match after the meal!”

I complied and we headed to the dining hall again.

***
This time, Miranda and I were not alone. Sean came over and sat with us, and I got to know him better. His personality was similar to Miranda’s, and I took a liking to him. A group of unfamiliar boys then sat down with us, and I looked to Miranda for an answer, confused.

“Liz, meet the basketball team. Sean’s friends. I hope you don’t mind them sitting here.”

I shrugged and they all greeted me in unision, “Hey Liz! How do you like Everfield?”

“Awesome.” Then I hi-fived a few of them.

Eventually, I recognized some of them; Lance, Kyle and Tyler. They seemed to be the more friendly ones. We all chatted and joked around with each other. I was never really uncomfortable with guys, being a tomboy and all. From the corner of my eye, Alex Taylor stared at me for a moment, and then turned away. I had seem something in his eyes. Rage? Jealously? Or was I just imagining it?

Miranda and I then made our way back to our room to play chess, but on Sean’s request, moved to the lounge so that he could observe the match. Boys were not allowed in a girl’s room and vice versa.

“You got some nerve if you’re going to challenge my girlfriend.” He commented.

“Oh, I think I can handle it. As long as she doesn’t totally destroy my confidence.”

The match started with both of us at seemingly the same advantage, neither one of us having the upper hand, but after a few more moves, Miranda started to lead, trapping my bishop. Sean was sitting next to us commenting on our match like it was a football game, jazzing everything up with commentary such as “Elizabeth moves in for the kill, she attacks the knight. Miranda’s trapped, what is she going to do now? She’s moving her pawn and it’s a bloody battle as the pawns go head to head!”

I would roll my eyes and Miranda would playfully smack his head. “Sean, this is a chess game, one which requires silence, and not football style commentary.” He kept quiet, but the silence did not last long. It was a very amusing game. Sean’s basketball mates had joined in to observe us, followed by Miranda’s chess group, then the football team and some other curious onlookers. That had to be the weirdest game ever, everyone cheering Miranda on, hooting, chanting, and distracting us. Only the chess team knew to be quiet and would only occasionally cheer when Miranda made a good move. Even with practically everyone rooting for Miranda, I had put on a brave fight. I was determined not to make a fool of myself, noticing that Alex was looking at me, at my every move, not Miranda’s. When my rook got captured, I saw Alex smirk at me. My temperature shot up, indignation flared up inside of me, and I stuck my tongue out at him. That caused the football team to start teasing and make fun of Alex.

The game ended in a stalemate.

We shook hands and Miranda congratulated me, “You did excellent, Liz. Only a few people have managed to checkmate or stalemate me. The chess club is always open for you.”

I thanked her and the crowd began to disperse.

“Hey Liz, sorry we did not support you, but Miranda’s my girlfriend so-” Sean explained.

“Relax, Sean, I understand.” I reassured him.

“We would’ve cheered for Liz except Sean would beat us up for going against Miranda.” Kyle muttered, then got elbowed in the ribs by Sean.

“Oww, watch it dude.” He complained.

Miranda and I returned to the room after saying our goodbyes and went to sleep.

The next morning, I wore my sports shoes, track pants and a jersey, ready to practice after lunch.

We headed to the football field which was vacant at the moment. The basketball team had decided to tag along. Great. Just what my nerves need, an audience.

“Hey Sean, I’m going to warm up for awhile, so give me a moment.”

“Running?” He asked.

“Yup, twenty laps then some stretching.”

“I’ll run with you. We’ve got a big game in a week, better train. In fact, GUYS!” He shouted, motioning for the basketball team to come over.

“Sup, Sean?”

“Liz is gonna do twenty laps, we’ve got a game next week, might as well train. C’mon!”

They groaned, but did so anyway. “I hope you can keep up, Liz!” Lance kidded with me, and I smacked him on the back of his head lightly in a playful manner.

It turned out that I had absolutely no problems with keeping up. The boys were the ones trailing behind.

“What the hell. She’s freaking fast!” Tyler huffed.

I had finished my last lap while they had just started it. I sat down on the ground with Miranda, who was watching them, very amused.

“Goodness, Liz. You’re incredibly fast, you know that? I’ve never seen anyone outrun the basketball team. Until now.”

I chuckled, “I did some track and field previously. Nothing big.”

“You’re too modest. Look at them! They’re all red in the face from trying to keep up with you.”

Once the boys had caught their breath, I got slaps on the head and back, punches on my shoulder, as the basketball team complimented me on my endurance. I did some stretching, pulling and stretching my muscles, touching my toes with ease while some of the boys grunted and reached forward, desperately tying to grasp their foot, but not succeeding.

Coincidentally, Sean played goalkeeper before he joined basketball. It was just the person a striker needed to practice. Excellent. Miranda would substitute later. “Go easy on her, Sean!”

“Something tells me I shouldn’t.” He grinned at me, picking up one of the spare soccer balls on the field.

“Don’t.” I warned him. Then the practice began.
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"




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Erm. All my italics and bold words are all gone,
So uhh...readers bear in mind that she's thinking sometimes.
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"




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Gender Female
Points 4198
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First to review (I hope; I'm a bit slow when it comes to reviewing)~

The bus pulled out from behind me and out of the school compound as I stared at the huge building before me that was Everfield Academy.


I think you could benefit from describing Everfield Academy a little...? Is it huge, imposing, graceful, etc.?

I shuffled into the school, drawing stares as I tried to find the principal’s office. No luck, I was lost. Darn.


I like the narrator's voice here, but again I think you could describe the school a little more. Describe her entering the school, how the halls look, etc.

“Excuse me, but do you need any help?” My head whipped around and I came face to face with a boy. His brown hair was carefully ruffled, seeming to glow a bit under the glare of the light. His eyes were a rich green, sparkling like polished emeralds. He was muscular, that was obvious from the way his shirt clung to him delicately, molding with the shape of his chest, definitely an athlete. His lips- What the? Get a grip on yourself, girl! Stop drooling!


Wow...that was rather...sudden. Usually in romance stories you kind of want a build-up to the romantic feelings, instead of just throwing them in our face right hten and there. Unless he really is that hot...

his lips were pursed, trying to hide his laugh and amusement.


I don't think "pursed" is the right verb...and choose one, either "laugh" or "amusement"; don't use both together as they're redundant. They both mean the same thing.

Jeez, barely an hour in your new school and you’ve already forgotten how to sarcasm and insult.


"Sarcasm" isn't a verb...unless you meant "use sarcasm".

I was left fuming in the middle of a hall.


Er...I'm not quite sure your MC's feelings towards this boy. She was ready to come all over him when he was first introduced but now she's mad at him...? You might need to elaborate on her emotions a little because I'm confused...she seems to have mood swings.

“Miss Elizabeth Pearson?” The lady enquired.


"Inquired", but in a lot of places you can avoid dialogue tags and just use "said" or no tag at all.

I was motioned to sit upon entering the room


This is passive voice. Activate it: "She motioned me to sit..."

“So, which extra-curricular activities do you plan to join?”


Quibble: "Extracurricular" is one word. :)

“Umm… I am considering football and chess.” The principal, Mrs Blair, blinked at me.

“That’s one of the more… interesting combinations I’ve come across.” Well, I can be the jock and the nerd at the same time. It’s not like I managed to come to this school as an airhead.

“I guess.” I mumbled.


Your main character sounds interesting, and I like this subtle way you introduced her interests. But all the same, I think the conversation with the principal should be extended. Why did Elizabeth transfer, and how did she get into the school? And suchlike. You could also flesh out the principal's character by extending this scene.

I
was given the details to my new room


More passive voice...careful...

one of the many rooms in a building separated from and next to the school compound.


Feel up to a little more description here of the room and the building? I know description's hard, but when you're trying to set the mood of the school like this, it's important. I know the school is supposed to be prestigious but I have no idea how it looks...

Did I mention this was sort of a boarding school?


I can see how you're trying to develop your MC's voice, but this is a little...over-the-top. We already know this is a boarding school; there's no need to ask it in a question like this. It's almost like you're talking down to the audience and unless your MC is the kind of character who'd do that, don't...do it.

though there was a curfew.


When? :) Try to specify...the more details you use, the more real your setting will feel. Don't talk in vague generalities. (hypocrites must be shot)

I shuddered, pink was one of my least favourite colours. I was a ‘blue’ person. Pink was almost a confirmation that I was stuck with one of those empty-headed, snobby Beverley Hills type girl. Shoot.


I like this. Again, we're getting a feel for your MC's personality through her narration, and also the way she views the world--seeing pink as an example of valley-girl-ish-ness, for example. Nicely done (I really like the "I was a blue person" line. Short, simple, and to the point, and revealing of Elizabeth's personality.)

I was wrong, and never more glad to be in my whole life. She was a girly person, but she wasn’t overbearing. In fact, I think we would get along. She was friendly, approachable looking; the kind you could tell all your secrets to. Her name was Miranda Whitley, built like a model and probably the ‘best catch’ in the school, chocolate brown eyes and shimmering golden hair. I looked hideous next to her. My jet black hair was wavy but tangled, and my eyes were a common shade of blue. Don’t get me wrong, I was built quite well, being an athlete, but I didn’t wear any makeup, skirts or dresses. Basically, looks weren’t exactly the priority on my list.


Aaaackk...this paragraph has the feel of an infodump. You might want to actually show the scene where Miranda arrives and introduces herself; that might even further develop the contrast between Elizabeth's image of her roommate and what her roommate actually is (if that makes sense). Don't just dump all this information about Miranda--let her enter the room, say hello, let Elizabeth be flabbergasted because Miranda's nothing like she expected. An infodump like this just cheats the reader.

By the time I had my stuff unpacked, with Miranda’s help, it was time for lunch. I was led down to the dining hall, on the way we chatted and got to know more of each other. My impression of Miranda was excellent. She turned out to be the kind of girl with looks, brains, money and a family that loved her. Her world was perfect. On the other hand, though I was top in my school, I didn’t know where I stood with a school full of smart kids. I lived with my mother, who couldn’t care more about me, except when I’d finally move out. The only money I had was my scholarship fund which promised me a fixed amount every month, for my expenses and everything as I was considered in need of financial-aid.


Again, this ought to be covered in an actual scene instead of squished into a paragraph. Much of this can be incorporated into dialogue between Miranda and Elizabeth. It might extend the chapter a bit, but it's definitely needed right here...

With our lunches that made my mouth water, we settled at an empty table. Miranda was perfectly happy with sitting with me, she was eager to get acquainted.

“So Elizabeth, what extra-curricular activities are you planning to join?”

I swallowed my mouthful of lasagna, “Football and chess.”


Yes, this is how you should do it! Develop your characters through dialogue, not long rambling paragraphs! :)

“If you’re seriously thinking of football, I’d suggest you forget about chess. Coach Keel demands that football, besides our grades, be a top priority.”


By "football", do you mean "soccer" or..."football"? Because while I don't want to be sexist, it is considered a bit odd for girls to be playing US football and the girls here are discussing it so blithely, so...*trails off*

“No problem. I would drop chess for football any day.” Taking a gulp of my lemonade, “So what extra curriculars are you taking?”


You need an "I said" after the "lemonade,".

I lightly punched her on the shoulder, “We’ll see about that, Captain Whitley. Prepare to be overthrown.” I laughed.


Ha. Nice character moment.

If only I had a soccer ball with me. That boy would have a dent in his head right now, and hopefully medical leave for months.


More grin-inducing character moments, and also clarifying that Elizabeth's a soccer player. (I think...because you start talking about football in the next few paragraphs and I'm so confused...mind clarifying what you mean to this poor ignorant Yank?)

“Asshole.” I muttered, then cracking into an evil grin. Striker, eh? You’d better watch out Mr. Taylor, I’ll make sure you work for that position. Wait, if he’s centre forward, then I’d have to work with him. Aw, crap.


Okay, so she doesn't like him. That makes her physical attraction to him even more incongruous seeming...I don't know...you might want to further draw on the contrast between Alex's looks and his personality, because right now Elizabeth's checking out Alex seems so...jarring and random.

I hadn’t realized that Miranda had gone missing for awhile.


How do you not notice something like this? O_o It could be more elegantly handled as Miranda just getting up and leaving for a while...instead of Elizabeth being too obtuse to notice that Miranda suddenly disappears.

I caught a swift peek at Alex, he was flirting with some cheerleader


Replace the comma with a dash.

Boys. Typical. But somehow, I felt angry when I saw him flirting. It was an unjustified anger of course, but I stomped out of the hall, my face like a thunderstorm. Funny. I usually wouldn’t care less if a boy flirted with one of those dense, pom-pom waving Barbie dolls.


Um...I can see you're trying for an Alex/Elizabeth romance here, but right now it's so...I don't know, it seems a bit forced right now, and sudden. Try to drop the hints more subtly in upcoming chapters, because right now Elizabeth really has no reason to be even thinking of having feelings for Alex, besides his physical hotness. Right now, her feelings are jarring and awkward. Let them develop slowly.

I like the way you described the cheerleaders, though. Describes them to a tee. XD

He’s a basketballer.


Isn't "basketball player" more standard? But I have the feeling this takes place in England, so maybe...different terms are used? I'm not qualified to judge, since I'm American...

Stupid dwarfish gene.


Nice way of introducing that Elizabeth is short, and that she doesn't like it. There's a lot of personality in that simple statement. :)

“Awesome, a sports girl. If you want, Miranda and I can help you practice tomorrow. Miranda is that okay?”


Comma after "Miranda", but I must say I like the voice you've built for Sean. It's very distinct, and that's a good thing.

I raised an eyebrow quizzically, “You didn’t tell me you played football Miranda.”


Comma after "football".

His personality was similar to Miranda’s, and I took a liking to him.


This sentence is a tad awkwardly worded, and I feel it's telling, not showing. How exactly is Sean's personality similar to Miranda's? And so on and so forth.


“Awesome.” Then I hi-fived a few of them.


"High-fived", I think.

From the corner of my eye, Alex Taylor stared at me for a moment, and then turned away. I had seem something in his eyes. Rage? Jealously? Or was I just imagining it?


Again, lay easy on the romance hints. I'm not well-versed in romance but I know the guy and the girl need a reason to like each other, and currently Alex and Liz have none. So yeah. You don't want to put too much in your first chapter.

“You got some nerve if you’re going to challenge my girlfriend.” He commented.


I didn't notice if you made mistake elsewhere, but dialogue should be written as:

"You got some nerve if you're going to challenge my girlfriend," he commented.

Comma and lowercase. Remember that. :)

Sean was sitting next to us commenting on our match like it was a football game, jazzing everything up with commentary such as “Elizabeth moves in for the kill, she attacks the knight. Miranda’s trapped, what is she going to do now? She’s moving her pawn and it’s a bloody battle as the pawns go head to head!”


Ha ha, nice. I've got a good feel for Sean's personality and I like him so far. Keep up the good work.

“Hey Liz, sorry we did not support you, but Miranda’s my girlfriend so-” Sean explained.


"Did not" is a bit formal, particularly for a guy like Sean. It'd be more in character for him to say "didn't".

The next morning, I wore my sports shoes, track pants and a jersey, ready to practice after lunch.


"Put on" instead of "wore" would work better.

“I’ll run with you. We’ve got a big game in a week, better train. In fact, GUYS!” He shouted, motioning for the basketball team to come over.


I think a dash or an ellipsis would work better instead of a comma after the "In fact".

“I hope you can keep up, Liz!” Lance kidded with me, and I smacked him on the back of his head lightly in a playful manner.


This is random, but I like how you've established that Liz already has a rapport with the guys. Too often, "new transfer students" take the cliche route of the new student being left out and an outcast, so it's refreshing to see the new student making friends and being accepted. Kudos to you. :)

I did some stretching, pulling and stretching my muscles, touching my toes with ease while some of the boys grunted and reached forward, desperately tying to grasp their foot, but not succeeding.


Word of warning: Be a little careful when describing Liz's sports prowess, because overdo it and she'll seem too perfect, almost not human. Just something to keep in mind.

Coincidentally, Sean played goalkeeper before he joined basketball.


Okay, so "football" is "soccer". Forgive the ignorant American for thinking "NFL" instead of "FIFA".

“Don’t.” I warned him. Then the practice began.


This seems like a bit of a random place to cut off, and "then the practice began"? C'mon, you can think of a much better ending sentence then this, can't you? :D

Overall thoughts:

I liked this, quite a lot more than I should have for a high school romance. Mostly I think it's because you're very good at sketching characters. I have a strong feel for all the main characters so far--Liz, Sean, Miranda. Alex I'm a little more iffy on, but I can understand if you want to keep him a mysterious presence for now. Your other characters, however, are all very well-rounded and have distinct personalities. Liz, in particular, is fun to read and I'm loving how natural her voice sounds. You seem to know how to exploit first person narration for all that it's worth, which is a relief after reading quite a few first person stories taking the Twilight route and just using first person as third person with "I" instead of "she". The fact that you've developed a unique voice for Liz's narration is wonderful.

Caution about a few things--be careful with the Alex/Liz hints, because this early in the game (forgive my pun) they shouldn't have any reason to like each other. Keep the hints at the barest minimum if you must have them at all; then let them develop as the story progresses. It's not good to hint at the romance so early in the story because it feels contrived. Right now, just keep Alex and Liz as enemies, and let them become attracted to each other as the story goes on.

Also, I feel like you should create greater contrast between Alex's attractive appearance and his not-so-nice personality--it seemed you just brought up Alex's looks once and dropped it completely, which is a shame. You could incorporate his physical attractiveness into his character, and have Liz comment on how he's gorgeous but a jerk. Just seems like a fun and interesting aspect of the romance, having Liz be interested in him appearance-wise at first, but hate his personality, but gradually come to appreciate him for his true self and so on...something to keep in mind.

I was confused throughout the whole piece about the football-soccer thing too, but blame that on my own American-style idiocy. You might want to more firmly establish that the school's not in America, so as to avoid reader confusion.

All in all, very good job and I was surprisingly engrossed. I eagerly look forward to more, and I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. :)
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.




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I have to agree with Bickazer. Being Ameican, I thought football was actually tackle football. Plus, you used the word soccer some. It would help to just use football and don't use the word soccer at all. That would help.
Bickazer I think got most of the errors. So I say, good post! I can't wait to see where you take this :D
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Hey, most of the errors have been pointed out, so I will not go over them when you've seen them already. Sounds logical, doesn't it? :P
Okay, well I really liked the idea, and it had a bit of a Cecily Von Ziegesar-thing going on (if you don't know what she's written, go and find The It Girl books- excellent!). I liked your main character being fiesty and confident, as well as athletic and smart. Though she seems a little confused about how she feels in general throughout your story, I think that it would be a normal reaction for someone who's already trying tofight off her crush on Alex AND starting a new boarding school.
I think you could have made a better flow of how the scenes change, for example when they go from the dorm room to the dining hall or the playing field and the lounge. Maybe including some more descriptions, so we could get a better feel and impression of the place? Also, how she went from suspecting who her room mate was to actually finding out it was Miranda became a bit of a sharp jump. How did she enter the scene?
I liked they way you included Alex subtlely, even though we know that Elizabeth is really paying attention to him. But I found they way you did that very good! And it's cool the way she starts off her new school and fits in so easily- it's not something that happens to all new kids, so it was refreshing to see that happen here! Your dialogue I thought was very good overall, and the characters seem very friendly and nice.

Well done on your first try, and keep posting 'cus I liked it!
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Thanks for your comments people!
Actually, if I haven't pointed out yet,
The story is actually already done :)
So I decided to post this story first and see what I can improve on,
Because I'm planning on writing another.

Darn, I knew I had a lot of mistakes.
But anyway, I'll post the rest...daily?
And I'll edit the whole thing at one go,
So please bear with my football/soccer term-switching thing.

I was aiming for an American/Western setting,
And I'm not sure what it's about,
Because if you haven't noticed, I'm from Singapore, South east Asia!
So... everything's different and I'm completely relying on what I've read to help me out.

Uhh... so do I use soccer or football? Sorry XD
Because I'm talking about the one where you kick a ball around...
the one that FIFA world cup involves?
What's a tackle football :D

I've got a lot to learn about the American school life.
It fascinates me.

THanks for your help again! I guess I'll be posting the next chapter tomorrow.
Would appreciate your critiques!
Much much appreciated :D

Oh yeahh...sorry about the totally weird ending.
Since I'm done, I was looking through the story,
There was a more suitable part to cut off, but it was too long and I didn't want to annoy you guys.
Yeah. Plus, the ending of the story is abrupt. I'm going to need help there.
I'm still acting very immature about all this.
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
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The FIFA thing is called "soccer" in the US.

"Tackle football" is, um...lots of padding and helmets? And the Super Bowl? XD I'm at a loss to explain this...

But yeah, the term you want is "soccer", not "football". :) Hope I clarified a few things for you.

And you're from Singapore? That's cool, then, that you're trying something you don't have much experience with doing. And I would have never guessed it because besides the name-switching the story's depiction of American high school is quite accurate. Well, real high school kids curse a lot more, but...that aspect is neglected in nearly every high school romance story, so you don't need to include it.

Good job so far. I'm looking forward to reading more. :D
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Hey. I'm here to offer my humble opinion and insert a few comments for consideration when you get around to editing.

Your MC overreacts. Maybe you did that on purpose, but you told us that she's a tomboy. And the tomboys I know are generally LIKE boys, in both dress AND manner. Which means calm, easygoing, hard to ruffle. Right away she freaks at that Alex person. Tune the reaction and anger down a bit...


I noticed that you consistently did this:

"No." He said.


It should always look like this:

"No," he said.



Now I have a few bits of advise: Slow down. Not too much, mind you, but you switch from scene to scene too fast. I think your introduction could be better - give us some more info, let us know your MC and setting a little more before jumping into the story, you know?

Just one last thing. This one is about the dialogue. It felt unrealistic to me. I think you're tryig TOO hard to make them sound like teenagers. Our vocab and greetings don't always consist of, "Sup?"

Hope this helps a little. Keep writing.

KJ




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Oops ._.
Sorry about the horrible depiction of American High school life.
But I'll edit everything at one go.
For now I'll just take note of my errors first.
Thanks for your help guys/girls!
:D
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"




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The bus pulled out from behind me and out of the school compound as I stared at the huge building before me that was Everfield Academy

This is a little overcrowded and confusing. Try cutting out some unneccesary words and say something more like:
"The bus pulled out from behind me, leaving me staring in awe at the beast of a school that was Everfield Academy."
But make it you, you know? You don't have to describe the bus unless your character is staring at it, describe the school and how she feels at that moment. Short and sweet, here. Describe it as if you were there. What would be seeing, paying attention to, looking at? How would you feel?

Yes, you heard right, Liverpool. I was a tomboy and a total football fanatic. Soccer was my previous extra-curricular activity, and I fully intended to continue the tradition.

I'm not sure if I like this section or not. It's usually a bad thing when the MC speaks directly to the reader, it takes away from the overall effect of the piece and surprisingly makes it feel less personal. In first person, the reader is supposed to feel like they're the main character, and when things like this happen, it's a slap in the face that we aren't.
But you can keep the parts about soccer (I've read the previous posts, and if you're going for American, the term is soccer. Football is a sport involving Image that ball.)
Why don't you try having the MC reminded of Liverpool and soccer after thinking about her sweater, and then go into saying that she plays the sport.

I shuffled into the school, drawing stares as I tried to find the principal’s office. No luck, I was lost. Darn.

Draw this out, describe it. What is the school like? What are the people like so far? Are they staring with hostility, or curiousity? There are so many unanswered questions here. Draw us a picture.

His lips- What the? Get a grip on yourself, girl! Stop drooling!

Again, by doing this you're actually taking us out of the readers head. You could have her pause, shaker herself out a little and concentrate, and we'll get the picture. Simplicity does wonders for writing.

“Ooh, someone’s got a temper! I’m assuming you’re new here and on your way to the principal’s office?”

Assumptions are all fine and dandy, but this is a little much. She could be going anywhere, for all he knows. I think this would sound more realistic if he says something more like: "Ooh, somone's got a temper!" He laughed a little. "Are you new here?"
Do it however you want, it's your story, but try not to have 'all-knowing' characters. It gets boring.

“Oh, have fun then. I’ll see you around. Of course, if you need a guide to show you around the ‘scenery’, it’s gonna cost you.” And before I could say anything, he sauntered off, hands in his pockets.

It's rather hard to 'saunter' with your hands in your pockets. Saunter isn't just a word to describe walking, it's a very specific word to describe walking, so be sure you have it right. Take his hands out of his pockets, or just say walked.

I was left fuming in the middle of a hall

When did she get into a hall? Were she and this guy walking? Or was she already in a hall?
It's kind of a bad thing if your readers don't know this kind of stuff, so describe it. Make it very clear. You may know everything, but we don't, so decribe it all and make it clear.

Well, I can be the jock and the nerd at the same time.

Most people who play chess don't refer to themselves as 'nerds'. It tends to hold a negative connotation.

Did I mention this was sort of a boarding school? After school, we wouldn’t go home. This was home for the time being,

You don't need to describe it quite that much. Trust me. Just knowing that her room is on campus is enough to let the reader know that it's a boarding school. Most people know what it is. This is one of those moments when you don't have to describe everything.

but we were free to roam after school hours, though there was a curfew.

I think we could get a lot more out of this if you made this information dialogue between the secretary and the MC. It would also be more interesting.

Pink was almost a confirmation that I was stuck with one of those empty-headed, snobby Beverley Hills type girl.

girl should be made plural.

I was wrong, and never more glad to be in my whole life. She was a girly person, but she wasn’t overbearing. In fact, I think we would get along. She was friendly, approachable looking; the kind you could tell all your secrets to. Her name was Miranda Whitley, built like a model and probably the ‘best catch’ in the school, chocolate brown eyes and shimmering golden hair. I looked hideous next to her. My jet black hair was wavy but tangled, and my eyes were a common shade of blue. Don’t get me wrong, I was built quite well, being an athlete, but I didn’t wear any makeup, skirts or dresses. Basically, looks weren’t exactly the priority on my list.

Big time info-dump. You just made a turning point in the story boring and pointless. Show this, don't tell.

was led down to the dining hall, on the way we chatted and got to know more of each other.

Again, show, don't tell. Show us the conversation that way the reader also gets to know more about the characters.

who couldn’t care more about me

Got this phrase mixed up. It should be "who couldn't care less about me.


The only money I had was my scholarship fund which promised me a fixed amount every month, for my expenses and everything as I was considered in need of financial-aid.

Again, you're saying too much. You could have stopped at scholarship.
_____________________________
I'm going to stop there for now and come back later. But for now, here are some more general thoughts....

Characterization:
You need to work on this aspect of your story. The MC is the only character we really know at this point, and we still know close to nothing. We know of the existance of Miranda, but really, know absolutely nothing about her. Half of our judgement as a reader comes from character dialogue. Add more of this. Make you characters real.

Show vs. Tell:
You had a lot of issues here, from what I've read. It seems like you would rather tell, tell, tell, until your reader is ready to bitd the head off of the page. It gets boring. Show everything as if we were watching a movie. What is your character seeing, feeling? What do they smell? What do people look like? Does she feel out of place or already at home? What does the school look like? What does her room really look like? There is so many of those kinds of details that really paint the picture missing in this that you almost have empty words and a hollow story.

I don't want to be discouraging. What you have here is good, a very good base to start off of, but you need to expand. Work on characterization, try to paint a picture with colorful words and descriptions. Develop a voice and stick to it. With all of these things, you can only grow as a writer, and everything you write will just get better and better.

I'll come back and edit the rest when you try editing it a little as well. Don't rely on us to do it for you, I'm just trying to help you figure out how to do it yourself. :D Tell me when you have an edited version, and I'll help you out more, if you would like.

Good luck!
-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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The bus pulled out from behind me and out of the school compound as I stared at the huge building before me that was Everfield Academy

This is a little overcrowded and confusing. Try cutting out some unneccesary words and say something more like:
"The bus pulled out from behind me, leaving me staring in awe at the beast of a school that was Everfield Academy."
But make it you, you know? You don't have to describe the bus unless your character is staring at it, describe the school and how she feels at that moment. Short and sweet, here. Describe it as if you were there. What would be seeing, paying attention to, looking at? How would you feel?

Yes, you heard right, Liverpool. I was a tomboy and a total football fanatic. Soccer was my previous extra-curricular activity, and I fully intended to continue the tradition.

I'm not sure if I like this section or not. It's usually a bad thing when the MC speaks directly to the reader, it takes away from the overall effect of the piece and surprisingly makes it feel less personal. In first person, the reader is supposed to feel like they're the main character, and when things like this happen, it's a slap in the face that we aren't.
But you can keep the parts about soccer (I've read the previous posts, and if you're going for American, the term is soccer. Football is a sport involving Image that ball.)
Why don't you try having the MC reminded of Liverpool and soccer after thinking about her sweater, and then go into saying that she plays the sport.

I shuffled into the school, drawing stares as I tried to find the principal’s office. No luck, I was lost. Darn.

Draw this out, describe it. What is the school like? What are the people like so far? Are they staring with hostility, or curiousity? There are so many unanswered questions here. Draw us a picture.

His lips- What the? Get a grip on yourself, girl! Stop drooling!

Again, by doing this you're actually taking us out of the readers head. You could have her pause, shaker herself out a little and concentrate, and we'll get the picture. Simplicity does wonders for writing.

“Ooh, someone’s got a temper! I’m assuming you’re new here and on your way to the principal’s office?”

Assumptions are all fine and dandy, but this is a little much. She could be going anywhere, for all he knows. I think this would sound more realistic if he says something more like: "Ooh, somone's got a temper!" He laughed a little. "Are you new here?"
Do it however you want, it's your story, but try not to have 'all-knowing' characters. It gets boring.

“Oh, have fun then. I’ll see you around. Of course, if you need a guide to show you around the ‘scenery’, it’s gonna cost you.” And before I could say anything, he sauntered off, hands in his pockets.

It's rather hard to 'saunter' with your hands in your pockets. Saunter isn't just a word to describe walking, it's a very specific word to describe walking, so be sure you have it right. Take his hands out of his pockets, or just say walked.

I was left fuming in the middle of a hall

When did she get into a hall? Were she and this guy walking? Or was she already in a hall?
It's kind of a bad thing if your readers don't know this kind of stuff, so describe it. Make it very clear. You may know everything, but we don't, so decribe it all and make it clear.

Well, I can be the jock and the nerd at the same time.

Most people who play chess don't refer to themselves as 'nerds'. It tends to hold a negative connotation.

Did I mention this was sort of a boarding school? After school, we wouldn’t go home. This was home for the time being,

You don't need to describe it quite that much. Trust me. Just knowing that her room is on campus is enough to let the reader know that it's a boarding school. Most people know what it is. This is one of those moments when you don't have to describe everything.

but we were free to roam after school hours, though there was a curfew.

I think we could get a lot more out of this if you made this information dialogue between the secretary and the MC. It would also be more interesting.

Pink was almost a confirmation that I was stuck with one of those empty-headed, snobby Beverley Hills type girl.

girl should be made plural.

I was wrong, and never more glad to be in my whole life. She was a girly person, but she wasn’t overbearing. In fact, I think we would get along. She was friendly, approachable looking; the kind you could tell all your secrets to. Her name was Miranda Whitley, built like a model and probably the ‘best catch’ in the school, chocolate brown eyes and shimmering golden hair. I looked hideous next to her. My jet black hair was wavy but tangled, and my eyes were a common shade of blue. Don’t get me wrong, I was built quite well, being an athlete, but I didn’t wear any makeup, skirts or dresses. Basically, looks weren’t exactly the priority on my list.

Big time info-dump. You just made a turning point in the story boring and pointless. Show this, don't tell.

was led down to the dining hall, on the way we chatted and got to know more of each other.

Again, show, don't tell. Show us the conversation that way the reader also gets to know more about the characters.

who couldn’t care more about me

Got this phrase mixed up. It should be "who couldn't care less about me.


The only money I had was my scholarship fund which promised me a fixed amount every month, for my expenses and everything as I was considered in need of financial-aid.

Again, you're saying too much. You could have stopped at scholarship.
_____________________________
I'm going to stop there for now and come back later. But for now, here are some more general thoughts....

Characterization:
You need to work on this aspect of your story. The MC is the only character we really know at this point, and we still know close to nothing. We know of the existance of Miranda, but really, know absolutely nothing about her. Half of our judgement as a reader comes from character dialogue. Add more of this. Make you characters real.

Show vs. Tell:
You had a lot of issues here, from what I've read. It seems like you would rather tell, tell, tell, until your reader is ready to bitd the head off of the page. It gets boring. Show everything as if we were watching a movie. What is your character seeing, feeling? What do they smell? What do people look like? Does she feel out of place or already at home? What does the school look like? What does her room really look like? There is so many of those kinds of details that really paint the picture missing in this that you almost have empty words and a hollow story.

I don't want to be discouraging. What you have here is good, a very good base to start off of, but you need to expand. Work on characterization, try to paint a picture with colorful words and descriptions. Develop a voice and stick to it. With all of these things, you can only grow as a writer, and everything you write will just get better and better.

I'll come back and edit the rest when you try editing it a little as well. Don't rely on us to do it for you, I'm just trying to help you figure out how to do it yourself. :D Tell me when you have an edited version, and I'll help you out more, if you would like.

Good luck!
-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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Okay: Other people who posted pictures of footballs- it's ENGLISH football. Not American football. Translating to soccer. I think the story really nice. It's not your common romance story, that's for sure. I think it's pretty original too. Like it!! I think that one guy with a page long response got all the revising done for you.




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<Information Overload>
:smt101 :smt110 :shock: :smt118 :smt119 :smt120 :smt103 :smt104 :smt095 :thud: :smt108
We regret to inform you that the author has sustained brain damage from the onslaught of information. We apologise for the inconvenience caused.

---

KIDDING.
Thanks for your help people! Especially JC,
Though I won't be editing anytime soon,
Because I'm working on another writing project.
Since you guys love high school romances so much.
Must. Get. Over. My. Immaturity. Issues.
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"




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And what would that project be?




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Oboe: She said she was going for an American view in the story. Football has to be soccar, or it's English, not American. I understand the dfference between Football and Soccar in different countries. For what Meep is trying to do, it has to be soccar or the stroy is completely changed.

And Meep, good luck with you other project. When you come back to this, feel free to PM me, and I can help you edit and revise it, if you would like.
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett



Have a biscuit, Potter.
— Professor McGonagall