Requiem I

Uhm, first of all, hello all. I joined quite a while ago, as you might notice, since back then I planned to share my story with you all, and see what other people of roughly my age could come up with etc. But well, my story wasn't very well thought out, not very well written and so forth, so all in all, I did not continue writing on it back then. Any attempt I did to "improve" it, only ended up making it worse. So, a bit disappointed of myself, I became a heapload inactive here. But, as you can see, tonight (6:23 AM here), things have changed. I have spent over half a year thinking my story over. I have talked to people (friends, relatives), and gathered some creative and constructive ideas. So, I won't say that my story is totally fleshed out anyways, but I have a much more solid idea of it now. And this is also reflected in the writing. My past attempt on my story, back then untitled, got criticized for having a forced dialogue, i.e., bad character developement. But I think that this time, the two characters that you will meet now, are much more real like in behaviour. Well, yea, as you see, my story is now called Requiem I, which means that it is the first part of a total of 3 (thus Requiem will be a trilogy). Why this title? You will not know until Requiem III, on purpose. It's the grand surprise so to say. Anyhow, I have talked enough now I guess, so... let us pass over to the text! I hope you enjoy this far more than the past, underdeveloped attempt. I also hope to become much more active now, giving reviews and continueing to weave Requiem's plot. Enjoy!

Ps: The text looks much prettier on Word, since I use a pretty font, and a dark crimson color for the text on a slightly gray background. If anyone's interested, I can try to find a way of sending the file to that person (or even better, those persons ^^)
Pps: Sorry for having the text be such a large chunk instead of nice pieces. It honestly looked better on word :/ I hope nobody minds.


Requiem I

Prologue: Forsaken


Snow was falling down from the pitch black skies. There were no stars nor clouds. Only an entirely black sky threatening to consume the small world beneath it. A young girl was cowering on the pale ground, she was crying and shivering. In a desperate attempt not to freeze, she wrapped her white feathered wings around her fragile, naked body. She looked up, and looked once more upon her cold prison through her tearstained eyes. She peered at the dark, foreboding and leafless trees that surrounded her. She could not see through the thick of trees that would reach seemingly endlessy into the distance. Then she looked up at the black sky, as if she was expecting a god to hear her cry, to see her misery. In vain. Disappointed, she lowered her face again. Her warm tears fell into the snow, and the Winter cried along with her.



Chapter I: A Guardian Angel


It was in the middle of the night. Alexya was alone in the apartment. It was a cheap, dirty place. The room was filled with packages and crates. She looked out of the window, observing the busy lights of the city that illuminated the dark. Rain was pouring in sheets, as if to drown the world. But she was happy, smiling with content. It would be the last day she would have to be in the shabby room that she was in. Her husband inherited a large mansion and all that belonged to it, along with a fortune of money. A far relative he had not even known about died, and in his will, he left everything to Nathan. Tomorrow they would move into that house, move away from the misery and poverty that marked the everyday life of most people, including them. Yes, tomorrow all would become much better.


She heard the sound of the door closing behind her, and she turned around, spotting a beautiful man clad in a white robe, and carrying two large, feathered wings on his back. He was radiating with a soft light, flooding the room with warmth and brightness. She gasped and stepped back, pushing herself against the window. She gazed at the strange man with fear. She wanted to scream, or say something, but she could not speak a word. The man approached her slowly, graciously. He was carrying a light, calming smile. Her fear started to fade, she felt safe near this man, even if she had never seen him before. "Greetings, Alexya, he said with a clear, mesmerizing voice, I am Cyriel. You don't have to fear me, for I come only with intentions to do good." She looked into his eyes. They were sparkling with an ice blue color. "You... what are you...? How did you get in here? I ... I don't understand..." He stepped next to her, and put a finger on her lips. "Shh... I am an angel, sent to aid this world. And you have to help me doing so." She looked up to Cyriel's face. "Help you? But... what can I do...? An angel?" He smiled at her, and put an arm around her shoulder, lowering his face to her height. "Yes. You may not be an angel, but you can very well affect the world of angels. I thought you knew...?" He frowned. "What do you mean? I... I never really believed in god and angels, but...?" He shook his head, cutting off her word. "No, it is not that. I know that your faith is lacking, but so is everyone else's. Not even all of us are truly convinced of god's existence anymore." Then he smiled again. "But that is not your business, forget it. I am here for something else, something you 'know'." "Something I know?" She had no idea what he was talking about. "Yes... truly, you forgot?" "Please tell me, what do you mean?!" Again, he put his finger on her lips to seal them. "Shh... It's alright. I can help you remember. You are married to this person, Nathan. But he was not your first man, was he? You have a daughter off someone else... someone he does not know about, is that correct?" She looked away from him, at the floor. "I... how did you?... It's best this way. I am afraid... afraid he would leave me like 'he' did..." Cyriel gently grabbed her chin, and raised her face to his again. "You do not even know his name? Or... not remember?" "He... he never told me... this is all not your business anyway! She is my daughter and I love her. Is it not that what counts?" The angel smirked and pulled her close, putting her back against his chest. She looked out of the window, Cyriel standing behind her. "Yes, I suppose that is important... but there is more to it. Do you know who that man was? 'What' he was?" "No... he was unearthly, beautiful and charming, but I do not know anything about him... sometimes I wish I met him again..."


The angel began stroking her neck. "The man you encountered that night, eleven years ago, was also an angel. His name is Azazel. He is of the Grigori caste, also named 'Watchers'." Cyriel could see her eyes widen in the reflection of the window, and fear once again began to take hold of her heart. "An... angel? But... but what about... Sharyn? Is she... an angel too now?" The angel put both his arms around her chest, gently hugging her. "How smart of you to think of her... No, she is not an angel. Far from it. Your daughter... is a Nephilim." She looked confused. "A Nephilim?" "Yes, a Nephilim. A creature, half angel, half human. A sinful breed, an abomination, an insult to all that god has ever forged. Already once have such beings walked the earth. Back then, the Deluge cleaned the dirt off the surface, and swiped these fiends off the face of the earth." Fear became panic, she tried to get free from his embrace, but he holded her tight. "Don't you touch her! Do to me what you want, but don't you dare touching my daughter!" He put his hand over her mouth, and dropped his head on top of hers. "Shhh... Your daughter is not here... but listen, dear, there is more to know..." She gave up trying to escape his iron grip, and was now looking out of the window again with fear and worry. A tear ran down her face. "You see... Nathan, is also a very special man. Not like Azazel, but special. And... the heavens can simply not tolerate your behavior anymore. I know that you are a mortal woman, unknowing and easy prey, but this cannot go on, I hope also you see this... We cannot allow you to breed more demons..." And one tear became many. He kissed her head from behind. "Shh... all will be well. Nobody will suffer. At least.... at least not you." She tried to speak again, but her words were muffled by his hand. She tried to remove it, but could not, she was utterly powerless against this angel. "You fear for the sake of your daughter... Sharyn, right? Well, let me reassure you..." He moved his face over her shoulder, right next to hers. She could see their faces next to each other in the window's reflection. "Sharyn... will suffer and die a horrible death, just like she deserves..., he said while holding her still, as she began struggling again, and you... you are going straight... to... hell." He smiled a last time, and removed her from his embrace. With the arm that is holding her mouth, he slammed her head against the wall adjacent to the wall with the window. As it collided with the wall, it splattered like a vase that fell on the floor, squirting blood into all directions. White feathers, stained with crimson blood. He released the remains of her head, and her body sank lifelessly to the ground, leaving her corpse in a sitting position. Cyriel kneeled down, and kissed what was left of her front, and then went to the door. He opened it, went out, and closed it again. Nobody ever noticed.

Snow was falling down from the pitch black skies. [s]There were no stars nor clouds. Only an entirely black sky threatening to consume the small world beneath it[/s]. A young girl was cowering on the pale ground, she was crying and shivering. In a desperate attempt not to freeze, she wrapped her white feathered wings around her fragile, naked body.

The lines I struck out were, I think, repetitive and pointless. You had already given us the necessary image. Keep them if you will, but I suggest this way to make the text more spare and to help flow.

She looked up, and looked once more upon her cold prison through her tearstained eyes. She peered at the dark, foreboding and leafless trees that surrounded her. She could not see through the thick of trees that would reach seemingly endlessy into the distance. Then she looked up at the black sky, as if she was expecting a god to hear her cry, to see her misery. In vain. Disappointed, she lowered her face again. Her warm tears fell into the snow, and the Winter cried along with her.

Note the repetition of 'looked up' and 'looked' - Such clutter. I suggest: 'She looked once more upon her cold prison, through tear stained eyes.'

'She could not see through the thick of trees that would reach seemingly endlessy into the distance.'

Awkward sentence. You have to learn to cut back.

'She couldn't see through the thick of trees that reached endlessly into the distance.'

*

Note: Double space between each character's dialogue. It is almost unreadable and looks amateurish, which is a shame.

*

I like the idea of the story but I think the execution is lacking. Pace yourself. Cut back on clunky description and space out the dialogue and paragraphs so its more readable. Your story deserves it.

Good luck.

You need to seperate the dialogue from everything else. Your paragraphs too. It makes it easier to read. One thing that I noticed about your story was that you used the same sentance structure throughout the story. She did this... She did that. You started alot of sentances with she. Change it up so its not as boring. It really helps.

You need to work on the showing. You do alot of telling in the stpry. Put in some more details also. The first chapter left me thinking, "What just happened?" It was really fast. Slow it down some.

I liked the whole story idea, and hope you continue.
I didn't notice any spelling mistakes, so your good there. So, good luck, and keep writing!

Thanks for the advice, both of you. I'm editing the text as we speak (or well, as I write here). You (Kaylyn) said that it was a rather short, and lacked details. I for my part don't really know where I would add a lot of details anymore. I described their movements between nearly every sentence, and no other action is really happening meanwhile. Perhaps you have a suggestion? Also, you said I would do "alot of telling". How am I doing this, and why exactly is this bad? (Since I thought details were vital?)

Thanks in advance.

Oh, okay I meant that you do a lot of showing instead of telling.
Telling: She had shiny hair. She was wearing a yellow dress. She had a great personality.
Showing: Her hair cascaded down her back, shimmering like a waterfall. The bright colors she wore matched her happy personality.
See the difference? If not just PM me.
Later I'll try to do a line by line for you.
So good luck writing.

Hey Ashgan - quite a long introduction you have there! It doesn't really matter how pretty the font is on Word, since any story you have published will have the font determined by the editor. Well! I really don't like the massive blocks of texts, so I suggest you break them down, but since I know you had the font in mine, I'll ignore that as I review. ^^

Snow was falling down from the pitch black skies. There were no stars nor clouds. Only an entirely black sky threatening to consume the small world beneath it.

Twice you describe the sky as black here, and "pitch black" is such a used term for the sky - how about try to find some creative way of phrasing the sky description, to rid yourself of any unnecessary repetitiveness?

A young girl was cowering on the pale ground, she was crying and shivering.

This is a comma splice, or the comma isn't necessary as they really are two separate sentences. Instead, consider the use of "and" or a semi-colon, or separating the sentences completely.

Then she looked up at the black sky, as if she was expecting a god to hear her cry,

You fall back to using "black sky" again here - repetitive phrasing. Try to be mad experimental and creative with your words - try a lot of descriptions, and then delete the ones you don't like and keep the one you do.

She heard the sound of the door closing behind her, and she turned around, spotting a beautiful man clad in a white robe, and carrying two large, feathered wings on his back.

-The first comma should be the end of a sentence, to make this phrasing flow better. "She turned around, spotting"
- How is he beautiful? You can tell us he is beautiful - or you could show us, and let us know in what way.

"Shh... I am an angel, sent to aid this world. And you have to help me doing so."

Why did he shush her? Is there someone else in the building?

Not even all of us are truly convinced of god's existence anymore."

Could you describe this to us before he walks into the room? I didn't know this girl was a believer at all, and it seems strange for him to suddenly tell us...

The angel began stroking her neck.

That's very affectionate. Why did he feel he could make such an intimate gesture?

And then the angel busts in and says
Cyriel is massively cool, but his entrance is peculiar. He just walks into the room as she sits there and contemplates her life. That entrance is very abrupt and rather - boring. Normal people walk into rooms and say hello. It's dull for an angel to walk into a room and say hello. I imagine an angel wouldn't follow normal human conventions - and entrances/introductions are very important. Try to spice it up a little! Make it more of a remarkable experience for the Alexya, one that takes place in more of an extraordinary fashion than this man walking into the room suddenly.

Ellipses
Watch them! Anyone who has received a review from me before knows I very much dislike them - personal taste - but they truly are not necessary. The writing carries the same effect without them, and they only make the writing more boring and languid. Try to write without them, unless they're completely necessary.

Slooooow Dooooown
You don't need to tell a story abruptly, all at once. Stories usually take time to develop, chapter by chapter. This chapter had an angel walk in and tell her a lot of information about her child and then walk out. Too much information for a first chapter! Think about it - does the reader even truly know your main character? I only know her name. So all of this information is an info dump, and it's too much to fast. One thing to remember about the beginning of novels: boring is good. And not actually boring.

I really love angel and demon stories. I just do! So I like the story behind this. You just have some kinks to work out! PM me if you have any questions!

~ Clo

You seem to have a good idea going here. I like the use of real angel names, and the mention of the nephillim. Very obscure reference! I love it.

The flow of your story, though, I think needs some work. It moves too fast. We barely even know who Alexya is when suddenly there's an angel standing in the room with her, who then proceeds to reveal what appear to be some very important plot points. You need to take your time, write more about Alexya, her feelings, behavior, lifestyle, etc. Maybe start at an earlier point in the chronology of the story. Earlier that day, even. The point is that you're jumping into too much too fast. Don't make it so easy on the reader. Give it some time, create an atmosphere of normality, realism; emphasize the mundaneness of regular, everyday life for Alexya. Then, when you finally do introduce Cyriel, it will be all the more powerful.

Keep at it bro!

Hello Ash.

It was in the middle of the night.

Describe the night more.

It was a cheap, dirty place.

How? Describe.

She looked out of the window, observing the busy lights of the city that illuminated the dark.

Is it not obvious that the lights of the city would illuminate the dark?

Rain was pouring in sheets, as if to drown the world.

Sorry, but rain exists in the form of millions of water droplets, not sheets.

But she was happy, smiling with content. It would be the last day she would have to be in the shabby room that she was in.

Thanks for ruining a key plot point man. Why tell us that so suddenly? Build some suspense leading up to this.

Her husband inherited a large mansion and all that belonged to it, along with a fortune of money.

The wording here is clunky. Try "Her husband inherited a large mansion along with a large sum of money".

A far relative he had not even known about died, and in his will, he left everything to Nathan.

This is redundant. Obviously that's how wills work, we do not need to be educated like morons about it.

Tomorrow they would move into that house, move away from the misery and poverty that marked the everyday life of most people, including them.

Is this a true representation of each individual person in the area?

She heard the sound of the door closing behind her, and she turned around, spotting a beautiful man clad in a white robe, and carrying two large, feathered wings on his back.

Again, show don't tell. Describe the beautiful man.

He was carrying a light, calming smile.

This is just a cliche way to describe a smile.

Her fear started to fade, she felt safe near this man, even if she had never seen him before.

Fear starting to fade is quite a vague way to describe fear vanishing from someone. And why would the woman feel safe near the man?

"Greetings, Alexya, he said with a clear, mesmerizing voice, I am Cyriel. You don't have to fear me, for I come only with intentions to do good."

Mesmerizing how? And don't you think the dialogue is kind of blatant?

You... what are you...? How did you get in here? I ... I don't understand..." He stepped next to her, and put a finger on her lips. "Shh... I am an angel, sent to aid this world. And you have to help me doing so." She looked up to Cyriel's face. "Help you? But... what can I do...? An angel?" He smiled at her, and put an arm around her shoulder, lowering his face to her height. "Yes. You may not be an angel, but you can very well affect the world of angels. I thought you knew...?"

The dialogue here is too blatant. Would a person randomly tell someone as to who they are in real life in just a snap of a finger?

It's alright. I can help you remember. You are married to this person, Nathan. But he was not your first man, was he? You have a daughter off someone else... someone he does not know about, is that correct?" She looked away from him, at the floor. "I... how did you?... It's best this way. I am afraid... afraid he would leave me like 'he' did..." Cyriel gently grabbed her chin, and raised her face to his again. "You do not even know his name? Or... not remember?" "He... he never told me... this is all not your business anyway! She is my daughter and I love her. Is it not that what counts?" The angel smirked and pulled her close, putting her back against his chest. She looked out of the window, Cyriel standing behind her. "Yes, I suppose that is important... but there is more to it. Do you know who that man was? 'What' he was?" "No... he was unearthly, beautiful and charming, but I do not know anything about him... sometimes I wish I met him again..."

Dude, a majority of people in our society today would probably slam the door on this guy for talking nonsense.

A Nephilim?" "Yes, a Nephilim. A creature, half angel, half human. A sinful breed, an abomination, an insult to all that god has ever forged. Already once have such beings walked the earth.

Well duh.

Overall impressions:

Subtlety would benefit your piece greatly. I find it highly unrealistic that a person would go up to a person's door and go "Oh sup, I'm an angel." Wouldn't he want to gain the trust of the woman first before revealing his secret? Giving away your identity so soon would allow for a risk of exposing his identity, thus stirring up quite a controversy. The dialogue is just too blatant. It's basically stating stuff that we as the audience already knows and explict communication of what the "angel" wants. The problem with that is that it leaves very little for the audience to search since the story itself is pretty much handed to them on a silver plate.

Some of your narrative points needs addressing. A beautiful woman who's branded a threat to the world and some mysterious dude? Heard it a million times buddy.

You also need to know how to space your dialogue. For each line of dialouge, there should be a space in between. This is to help the audience distinguish as to who's talking and makes it easier to read.

Lastly, read this outloud. Work out the flaws that I've pointed out with my line to lines and continue editing it. Your goal is to make this piece fluent and clear in its expression.

Good luck.

Andy.

Hello there!

I usually don't read fantasy but your Prologue was very promising. It seemed realistic, and that's one quality I like when I read a story, no matter what genre it is. Your opening sentence was very good, I couldn't stop reading it and even better it sounded great when read aloud which is always a plus.

Off to Chapter 1

It was in the middle of the night. Alexya was alone in the apartment. It was a cheap, dirty place. The room was filled with packages and crates. She looked out of the window, observing the busy lights of the city that illuminated the dark. Rain was pouring in sheets, as if to drown the world. But she was happy, smiling with content. It would be the last day she would have to be in the shabby room that she was in. Her husband inherited a large mansion and all that belonged to it, along with a fortune of money. A far relative he had not even known about died, and in his will, he left everything to Nathan. Tomorrow they would move into that house, move away from the misery and poverty that marked the everyday life of most people, including them. Yes, tomorrow all would become much better.

I really liked this chunk here, and the only advice that I have is merge some of your short sentences with the medium sized ones because otherwise they seem like they're just hanging there, you know?

She heard the sound of the door closing behind her, and she turned around, spotting a beautiful man clad in a white robe, and carrying two large, feathered wings on his back. He was radiating with a soft light, flooding the room with warmth and brightness.

Okay, I spot a problem, and sorry if it was mentioned before because I didn't read the other critiques before but one thing that you must do, is make a statement or a good entrance. This was all seeming so realistic and then bam! Here this guy comes. Make sure you use transition. That's like saying:

"The old woman took her bags out of the cart and placed it in her trunk. After she closed the trunk and locked it, she walked around to the driver's side and then she was hit by a car."

I want more sensory details. Did she hear footsteps? Did she think it was her husband?
Oh and don't just say beautiful, describe why he is. I've read one fantasy novel before and I can at least say that description of everything is important.

She wanted to scream, or say something, but she could not speak a word. The man approached her slowly, graciously. He was carrying a light, calming smile. Her fear started to fade, she felt safe near this man, even if she had never seen him before. "Greetings, Alexya, he said with a clear, mesmerizing voice, I am Cyriel.

Why did she go from being scared to calm? Elaborate just a little.

Whoa whoa whoa! Stop your horses! Everything is moving too fast. I know the feeling when you just want to write the story and get all the good parts in but people don't like that and if you just throw it on them like that then they'll easily get overwhelmed and stop reading. Take the time to smell the roses.

Okay, you write really really well and this has so much potential but you're just zipping through this. Maybe give some flashbacks or something to help the reader feel more in tune with what's going on.

I liked this a lot and I would enjoy it more if you took your time. I'll get to your next chapter later, okay?

Ta,

~Angel