But Not Tonight

But Not Tonight
By Freak


Snuffing his cigarette out, Derek lay down on the damp earth underneath the swing set of the elementary school he had only attended three short years ago. Now he was in high school, and cruel world of judgment and harsh words. He didn't wear the right clothes or date the right girls. He just wasn't the right guy.

The first raindrops splattered his face, washing off his tear stained cheeks. His mind wandered to his mother. His only memories of her were her cries as his stepfather beat her late at night when he thought Derek was asleep. She was beautiful and she loved Derek until the day she jumped off the roof of their ten story apartment building. Derek had only been six.

His step dad abandoned him shortly after that and his real dad would have nothing to do with him. Finally his 18 year old sister, Jenny, stepped up and offered to take him.

She was always bringing different guys home and she ignored him most of the time. Derek had a turtle stuffed animal named George he would talk to all the time. George would listen and comfort and soak up all Derek’s tears as they fell down to George, tightly clutched in Derek’s lonely arms. Then when he was in the sixth grade one of his sister’s boyfriends ripped George’s head off and told Derek stuffed animals were for sissies. He cried a whole week after that.

Now he was a big ninth grader. He didn’t need George anymore. That’s what girls were for, even though they didn’t listen or comfort or soak up Derek’s tears.

Of course there were people who said they cared, like teachers and counselors. Derek knew they were all full of crap. They didn’t care his mom committed suicide, his dad would have nothing to do with him, and his sister ignored him. They thought they knew him, but oh boy, were they wrong.

Derek looked up at the full moon as the rain came down harder and harder, soaking through his flannel shirt and black hair. He wasn’t complaining, it felt good. It fed his soul; new life seeped into him and gave him strength. All the beautiful stars shone in the heaven above. He wanted to cry, not in woe, but happiness.

All those other nights he’d been in the same situation, looking up at the moon and stars, cursing them for their beauty and joy. He’d cried until he’d looked half dead, with tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes, but not tonight.

For once he almost seemed happy. How good it felt to be alive.

Tears brimmed his eyes and a smile slowly crept upon his face as he pulled himself up onto the swing above him. Higher and higher he went, almost touching the stars that led him. The wind zoomed pat his ears, whispering secrets he would forget come the next morning. Exhausted, he stopped pumping and sat breathing deeply.

Somehow he made it home and past the smoke-filled living room of his sister’s apartment, and climbed into his soft, warm bed. He wouldn’t take his life, at least not tonight. Something had intervened, and for that he was glad. Maybe, after all, he was better than the world told him he was.


Hope you enjoyed! I had fun writing it.

I will tell you first off that I am not very good at grammar editing, so I will leave that for someone else.
That was really good though! Good description and a good story line. Truthfully, I almost started crying.
I like this though. If you post anything else soon, please PM me!
Oh, I almost forgot. Welcome to YWS!

Freak wrote:Snuffing his cigarette out, Derek lay ((I think this is supposed to be 'lied'))down on the damp earth underneath the swing set of the elementary school he had [s]only[/s] attended three short years ago. Now he was in high school, and cruel world of judgment and harsh words. He didn't wear the right clothes or date the right girls. He just wasn't the right guy.

Good first paragraph

Freak wrote:She was always bringing different guys home and she ignored him most of the time. Derek had a turtle stuffed animal ((stuffed turtle)) named George ((who)) he would talk to all the time. George would listen and comfort and soak up all Derek’s tears as they fell down to George, ((this doesn't make sense to me)) tightly clutched in Derek’s lonely arms. Then when he was in the sixth grade one of his sister’s boyfriends ripped George’s head off and told Derek stuffed animals were for sissies. He cried a whole week after that.

Nice story. You have good style and technique, just a few minor grammatical errors.
I don't know how much you've seen of the site but if you go to the Contest's page in the Community area, there is a contest going on about stories inspired by music. You should go take a look at that and maybe even consider entering this.

-Carly

Thanks! I was just listening to my iPod last night and was listening to that song and I got this story line all of the sudden and BAM! It just came out on paper so perfect!

Tnme22, maybe I will consider entering! Thanks for letting me know (:

-Freak

Hello Freak.

Now he was in high school, and cruel world of judgment and harsh words.

"a" not "and".

He didn't wear the right clothes or date the right girls. He just wasn't the right guy.

Expand this idea out.

She was always bringing different guys home and she ignored him most of the time.

Rephrase this so that these two ideas are connected better.

The wind zoomed pat his ears, whispering secrets he would forget come the next morning.

You used two verbs here.

Overall impressions:

You write well, but the problem I have with the piece is that it is too simplistic for it to attract a larger audience. Yes, a child having to bear the burden of a parent's suicide is quite difficult, but is there anything more you can say about it? Are there not any good times that Derek experiences? What factors contributed to Derek's mum's suicide? Why does Derek care about her mum so much? How is high school so cruel? Expand. The piece's central theme: The sadness one goes through when they have lost a parent needs to be further explored. We get it that losing a parent is sad, but what we don't know is why it is.

I think you should also try to paint a cleaner and crisper picture of Derek. You have him smoking at the start and then him crying on a toy turtle during the flash back sequences. It feels detached in a sense that it's rather hard to picture him due to these contrasting descriptions. I don't really see the relevance of making him a smoker living in some apartment. Having him in his younger years seem to have more weight (and more relevant with the theme of the piece). I quite liked the turtle idea, but it was rather short and I didn't really see as to why you chose to include that in. Again, expand. Does it have some sort of sentimental to Derek? If so, in what way?

Good luck.

Andy.