The Chains that Bind Us

The young badger looked down at his bloodied footpaws that hung beneath the bench he was seated on, observing the great scratches on the chains that held his footpaws to the others. Sever them, and he would be able to escape with his oar partner. He thought of the file concealed in his tunic and his aching footclaws, the tools with which he was scratching the chains. A hare sat next to him, pulling the oar with the last of his energy, and the badger grasped it and helped too, pushing once every five or so seconds.

The newest slaver on the ship materialized out of the gloom when the door opened. The badger guessed they were in a storm, because the day couldn't be any older than thirteen hours. The slaver was a handsome creature of his species, a cinnamon furred pine marten with a black chest, paws, and ears, and sparkling ice-blue eyes. He wielded a leather whip in one paw, and did not prefer the task of causing beasts pain, rather did it faced with pain of death if he refused.

The whip cracked across the young badger's back, and he bent it under the lash. 'Row faster, ye' stupid spineless beasts!' was the marten's order, smacking the whip across the hare's and the badger's backs. The badger rowed harder, throwing the hare completely out of step. He winked at the longeared creature, allowing it to relax. As long as onebeast of the oar partners were rowing, the slavers would let them be.

The cinnamon marten passed the team, and moved onto another pair of creatures. The badger gritted his teeth...then a massive wave tipped the boat on its side.

One blow of the badger's heavy paw destroyed the chain holding him and the hare with the other slaves. Another wave created a hole in the bottom of the craft, and it began filling up with water to drown the other innocent slaves who had never harmed a beast in their lives. But the badger knew if he and his partner didn't get out soon, nobeast would.

Another formidable hole in the side of the boat was a result of the young badger's paw. He pulled the hare and himself out into the waves, tore off a piece of the boat to float on. The marten slaver was desperately seeking an avenue of escape. He grabbed onto the badger's footpaw and came out into the wild waves that smashed into him, knocking him senseless, the hare as well. The badger's eyes stayed open a moment longer.

Then it was dark.

interesting

The young badger looked down at his bloodied footpaws that hung beneath the bench he was seated on, observing the great scratches on the chains that held his footpaws to the others. Sever them, and he would be able to escape with his oar partner. He thought of the file concealed in his tunic and his aching footclaws, the tools with which he was scratching the chains. A hare sat next to him, pulling the oar with the last of his energy, and the badger grasped it and helped too, pushing once every five or so seconds.

He thought of the file concealed in his tunic and his aching footclaws, the tools with which he was scratching the chains.

I would spice this sentence up a bit.

"He thought of only the file that was concealed in his tunic and held in his aching footclaws, the tool(I thought there was only one?) with which he was scratching the chains. The tool to his freedom."

A hare sat next to him, pulling the oar with the last of his energy, and the badger grasped it and helped too, pushing once every five or so seconds.

Also you could spice this up a bit too. You could use for example..." A hare sat besides him, rowing the oar with the last of his energy, and the bager also held it, and pushed every five seconds or so."
Numbers in a book, are written out (Ususally).

The newest slaver on the ship materialized out of the gloom when the door opened. The badger guessed they were in a storm, because the day couldn't be any older than thirteen hours. The slaver was a handsome creature of his species, a cinnamon furred pine marten with a black chest, paws, and ears, and sparkling ice-blue eyes. He wielded a leather whip in one paw, and did not prefer the task of causing beasts pain, rather did it faced with pain of death if he refused.

The slaver was a handsome creature of his species, a cinnamon furred pine marten with a black chest, paws, and ears, and sparkling ice-blue eyes. He wielded a leather whip in one paw, and did not prefer the task of causing beasts pain, rather did it faced with pain of death if he refused.

did you really need " and did not prefer the task of causing beasts pain, rather did it faced with pain of death if he refused."
Is it important later on in the story?

The whip cracked across the young badger's back, and he bent it under the lash. 'Row faster, ye' stupid spineless beasts!' was the marten's order, smacking the whip across the hare's and the badger's backs. The badger rowed harder, throwing the hare completely out of step. He winked at the longeared creature, allowing it to relax. As long as onebeast of the oar partners were rowing, the slavers would let them be.

Once again I think you should spice it up a bit. "The whip cracked across the young badger's back, and he bent it under the lash."
example= The whip cracked across the young badger's back, it made him flinch in pain and bend under the lash.

The cinnamon marten passed the team, and moved onto another pair of creatures. The badger gritted his teeth...then a massive wave tipped the boat on its side.

Make your sentences more interesting.
The badger gritted his teeth at what he saw coming. A massive wave tipped the boat on its side.

One blow of the badger's heavy paw destroyed the chain holding him and the hare with the other slaves. Another wave created a hole in the bottom of the craft, and it began filling up with water to drown the other innocent slaves who had never harmed a beast in their lives. But the badger knew if he and his partner didn't get out soon, nobeast would.

Another wave created a hole in the bottom of the craft, and it began filling up with water to drown the other innocent slaves who had never harmed a beast in their lives.

"...and it began to fill up with the ocean water which would drown the other innocent slaces, those who had never harmed another beast in their entire lives."

" But the badger knew if he and his partner didn't get out soon, nobeast would."
NEVER start a sentence with "But".

Another wave created a hole in the bottom of the craft, and it began filling up with water to drown the other innocent slaves who had never harmed a beast in their lives. But the badger knew if he and his partner didn't get out soon, nobeast would.

Another wave created a hole in the bottom of the craft, and it began to fill up with the ocean water which would drown the other innocent slaces, those who had never harmed another beast in their entire lives; however the badger knew if he and his partner didn't get out soon, no beast would. (I fix some stuff up ^_^)

Another formidable hole in the side of the boat was a result of the young badger's paw. He pulled the hare and himself out into the waves, tore off a piece of the boat to float on. The marten slaver was desperately seeking an avenue of escape. He grabbed onto the badger's footpaw and came out into the wild waves that smashed into him, knocking him senseless, the hare as well. The badger's eyes stayed open a moment longer.

Then it was dark.

"Another formidable hole in the side of the boat was a result of the young badger's paw."
Can you rre-write this. It doesn't make sense.

The badger's eyes stayed open a moment longer.

Then it was dark.

"The bager's eyes stayed open fir a moment longer, then he was swallowed up by darkness."





This was intersting, but in order for a story to be good, a few questions must be answered.
1. who are the characters, why should I care about them?
2. what is happening? why?


Also you should describe the characters a little bit more, or maybe you will do that in later chapters. Also you should add more detail to your story.

(Example)" The cat ran. The small red cat ran quickly down the road." you know stuff like that.

If you do this I will defently re-review it ^_^ Also PM me once you added more

Sounds a lot like the Redwall books
They were all the rage in my day (you can smell the sarcasm)
I won't try to compete with the above poster
It was interesting, but not that interesting.
Maybe it's just the fact that the characters are animals.


Remember, its easier to relate to a human,
but an animal is more unique.

Please PM me if you continue, I'd like to see where this is going.

Great Story, reminds me of Gary Killworth which I used to read when I was younger.

I'm new to posting on forums and don't know how to quote (is there a special way to quote? Or do people just write Quote: and do the indents manually)

One thing I will say is that a wave breaking a hole in a boat is not believable. Boats are designed to take that sort of beating, and a big wave would have simply carried the boat, unless it was a very poorly made boat. Perhaps you should change it so they hit a rock. Make the boat tip on its side, then the big wave sends it smashing into a submerged rock.

Saying "Innocent slaves who had never harmed a beast in their lives" is a redundancy. (ie: your saying the same thing twice) Instead leave out either "innocent", or "who had never harmed a beast in their lives."

Instead of telling the reader that the slaver didn't like causing the beasts pain, you could show it via the way he whips them by using words such as hesitantly or unwillingly. Just saying what he thinks is also writing from his point of view. All characters should be portrayed only from the point of view of the protagonist(s). Doing so will make the reader become more attatched to them, as they will be seeing things from their perspective, instead of just looking down on the situation as a spectator.

On the posetive side, I loved the imagery in the sentence; "The newest slaver on the ship materialised out of the gloom when the door opened." It really sets the atmosphere and puts a picture in your head.

I don't see any reason why animals should be harder to relate to than humans, provided that they act like humans, which you have done. The special physical attributes of the different animals will help make the story interesting, just make sure you give each character their personalities and characteristics based on the nature of what animal they are.

I hope this; my first review has been helpful

J Dog